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Dealing with controlling female supervisor?

Begonia

Begonia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 2, 2011
Messages
3,577
I have a new female supervisor. She used to be a coworker on another watch but she worked on my days/hours off, in the same location. She's younger than me, mid 40's and has been with the company 24 years. I'm mid 50's and been with the company 9 years.
I'm tall and lean, she's short and fat (more on that later).

She won't be a permanent supervisor, but substitutes up and will be doing so over Xmas. When I started in this location 4 years ago, I should have had a work partner, but the cheap b@$tards never brought one in, leaving me overworked. I also largely had to train myself, and figure everything out alone. My regular supervisor has predominantly left me to it, as I've been called consistent, mature and reliable. Ok.

This female supervisor comes in and immediately reorganizes my work space. I'm already clean and tidy so she's just moving things where she prefers them, including blocking my locker. She's only there for the day or possibly two, so not like she's going to be there a while. Hmmm.

She watches me like a hawk and comments on my process with everything I do. I'm all for cheats and hacks that make life simpler and will change if I see that it's more efficient, but this is mostly potato potahto. It almost seems competitive. New supervisors start pretty hot, meaning they're all Gung ho. Crap employees for years, turn into these keen, inflexible supervisors. Go figure. She's one of those. A micromanager, that puts me on the defensive at times by coming at me aggressively.

We wear uniforms. Dastardly things with a naval feel, as I work in the mariner industry. I've been told that as awful as they are, I look pretty good in them. Ok. I do clean and press them myself and try to look smart, even though uniforms strip you of your individuality and identity in a lot of ways. Sometimes when I'm bent over, I'll turn around and she's eying me up. I've been told she is very jealous of thin women. Hmmm.
I can feel some resentment for sure.

She's a trigger for me. Her supervisory style is very much like another supervisor 5 years ago (since retired) who bullied and harassed me. I called it the punitive/honeymoon cycle where she would be all over me critically and accusing, then a period of suck up friendliness, and then wham! Aggression again. This one has a similar version altho technically not bullying and harassment. Yet. She has a chaos energy and other casuals that come work with us get flustered and make errors as they're frazzled. I can relate as she's always undermining our decisions.

I'm all for supervision where necessary, redirection as needed. This doesn't seem to be that. I'm not sure how to handle this. I've been to HR to start a file as I simply cannot be bullied and harassed again. I've stood my ground last shift and things got very tense.
I let the last bully erode my boundaries and learned very hard, damaging and painful lessons.

Long story...I'd sure appreciate any and all feedback. I've read the gray rock method and will attempt some of that to see how it works. I work hard at putting my force fields up when she's around and she works equally hard trying to penetrate them. Okay back to gray rock.
 
How long is she there? Personally, I would take some sick or vacation time and come back when she is gone if that is an option. Being around her sounds miserable!
 
You've already been to HR to start a file on this temp supervisor? Yet you say "technically not bullying and harassment"?

From your post it seems like you are acting defensive/reactive to this person based on what you think may come next or what you are imagining/inferring from her actions -- can't she just be watching you do your work, not watching you because you are thinner?

Of course a new higher up will make changes and will take note of work routines. Even if her actions and changes don't make sense to you, unless they are unsafe or cause your productivity to appreciably slow down, to my way of thinking, you need to roll with it.

This seems to be a personality clash -- if she is not harassing/bullying you and if her actions are confined to reorganizing work space and work routines (legitimate exercise of her responsibilities), and you continue to be too triggered by your past to be able to work with her in a civil manner, I agree it may be best for you to take as much time off as you can afford in order to keep your peace of mind and your job until her temp position ends.
 
I’d rather have a shitty female supervisor giving me the stink eye than a male supervisor sexually harassing me every day as has been the case in nearly every job I’ve ever worked. Not to say that this woman isn’t tedious and negative, but it’s the lesser of two evils in my eyes.

I’ve also dealt with a ton of drama between women at various jobs. Usually I just had to either charm them until things were copacetic or in some cases they left the job altogether because they weren’t able to assimilate. That’s really all I want to say about it. Some people are going to try to get under your skin. Don’t let them. Be confident in what you do and your value add as an employee and eventually things will sort themselves out.

This short/fat, tall/thin stuff is a little odd… I think I’d forget allllll about that if I were you. You have no idea what she’s thinking when it comes to your appearance. Don’t assume she’s envious; she might feel quite the opposite.
 
Honestly, you sound a bit judgmental and hostile to her. You gossip about her weight and that she's "jealous" of thinner women, so automatically you assume she's jealous of you? And is that why you think she's being uptight? Maybe she just wants to prove herself as a supervisor and thinks these changes will make her look good. And starting an HR complaint when she hasn't done anything wrong? That's a bit weird. Have you tried talking to her? That would be the first step. Escalate from there. Right now, as you say she is your trigger, and likely everything she does will set you off. I think some introspection is needed here.

And FFS can we stop calling women jealous just because they don't get along with someone else? I saw that in another thread too. Not all people get along, calling women jealous is an outdated sexist trope.
 
monarch64 said:
This short/fat, tall/thin stuff is a little odd… I think I’d forget allllll about that if I were you. You have no idea what she’s thinking when it comes to your appearance. Don’t assume she’s envious; she might feel quite the opposite.
Click to expand...

yes, this

Begonia said:
I'm tall and lean, she's short and fat (more on that later).


We wear uniforms. Dastardly things with a naval feel, as I work in the mariner industry. I've been told that as awful as they are, I look pretty good in them. Ok. I do clean and press them myself and try to look smart, even though uniforms strip you of your individuality and identity in a lot of ways. Sometimes when I'm bent over, I'll turn around and she's eying me up. I've been told she is very jealous of thin women. Hmmm.
I can feel some resentment for sure.
Click to expand...

Address everything else but leave this road of thought un taken, even though it already sounds like you and co-workers are discussing it. It won’t help you with your other points.

I hope it smooths out for you soon.
 
Reading it over, it does sound like I'm putting emphasis on the weight thing so early in the post. That was poorly placed and worded as I read it thru. It was suggested to me from a close friend coworker, and so I brought it forward. My filter wasn't working there, sadly.

I think I'm worried and unsure more than anything about why we struggle to get along her and I, and had heard some stuff from others. No, I don't gossip about her. Some others have talked and I've been present but I didn't add anything. Our workspace is small so...i can't leave. I work in a union environment and there is a lot of talk, all the time, sadly. Everywhere.

I've been to HR as I'm on a RTW plan and was off for depression. HR and my doctor are keen to keep on track with how I'm doing and any stressors I may be facing. This is something I brought up then, as it is stressing me. There are some parallels in her supervisory style that gets me in knots. HR has told me that she is being sent for some "soft skills" training. Ok.
Yes, I am very defensive about it, I don't deny that. I've been here before and I know where it ended up. I was counseled to set firm boundaries after that harassing supervisor.

I know I am struggling with being back emotionally. I sustained a work place injury and lost my Worksafe Tribunal, contributing to the depression. The adjustment back has not been easy. Little support from coworkers as it's been a grueling few years for everyone, they have their own stuff going on. I do see a counselor and will run some of this by her.

Anyway, I'll think about some of these comments. Thank you.
 
Sorry she’s giving you a hard time.

I think you did the right thing to start a file about it at HR. Now you can just add to it if needed and know that you’re not going to totally be at her mercy.

Since others have said she has some kind of issue with thin women and you catch her looking at you when bent over… Well, I know none of us are there and you’re also having to sum up an ongoing situation in a few paras, but what crossed my mind is that it’s always possible for a female boss to sexually harass too.

In any case, it sounds like HR agrees with you that she’s a problem since she is being sent for “soft skills” training.

Hopefully, she’ll calm down in her new role and/or be out of your part of the workplace soon. Good luck!
 
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It sounds like you already had a number of stressors relating to your employment, and now an additional stressor (temp supervisor).

If you haven't already, reach out to your doctor who's treating your depression to ask for specific recommendations/referrals to deal with this new stressor.

Also check out your medical insurance to see if it includes EAP (employee assistance program) -- if yes, see if you can schedule an assessment / short-term counseling / follow-up services.

Meanwhile, if you know the expected duration of this new temp, use a calendar at home and put a big happy face on each date when you get home from work.

If there is overt/obvious bad behavior by the temp supervisor, update HR but otherwise try not to assume/ruminate/perseverate about work place happenings -- get the work done, be professional, be civil, and go home.

Plan little daily rewards for yourself: something special in your lunch, a new audio book in your car, favorite shows at night -- whatever will give you enough of a lift to get you through each day and each week, until temp supervisor's tenure is over.

I hope the time passes quickly and uneventfully for you -- good luck.
 
Did you say you work in a union environment? As in you are protected by a union contract? If so. I wouldn’t give her behavior a second thought. I’d be busy reading my contract so that I could know my rights, if and when, the actual harassment begins.
But I do think you sound like you are suffering from PTSD—which is a good time to take some time off and see a therapist. As you can already read, posting for advice here can result in some very accusatory comments against you. I don’t know that everyone responding here has the best Intentions, some may just be looking for amusement or looking to dissect your every comment to turn it against you…
 
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If your permanent supervisor is happy with your work and the way you do it, I would suggest that you tell the short term temp that she should bring up any concerns she has with your permanent supervisor and until such time as your permanent supervisor tells you changes need to be made, you'll carry on as usual in order to avoid confusion and disruption to workflow.
 
dear @Begonia
im dismayed to read of your troubles with this new tempoary supervisor

she's on a power trip
you are good at your job bit she quite likely feels intimidated or inferiour to you
its not fare, it sux
wouldnt it be nice if woman actually suported other woman in the work place rather than stomp on their sisters in order to climb the corporate ladder
ive been there, it can get very unpleasent

good on you for going to HR
take care of yourself, your own head space
 
Since she is just temporary I would do my best do not let her get to me and just do my job. Within a few weeks she will be out of your hair hopefully. I wouldn't waste my vacation time on her unless you were already planning to take off. Sorry you are dealing with this but my advice is to hang in there since she is just(hopefully) temporarily in your work life.
 
@Begonia, I anything I’m about to say is not helpful, please ignore it. I hope the next few weeks go by quickly and this situation is behind you soon. The company you work for has acknowledged this woman has a problem. The fact that this information was shared with you shows that you are a valued employee. I know this isn‘t easy because you have to work with and communicate with your supervisor. Please take good care of yourself and try to remind yourself that this is a temporary problem.

Please ignore the advice that isn’t helpful to you and remember there are people here that do have good intentions and want only the best for you.
 
I always found it best to nip this type of issue in the bud and talk it out. Way too often we continue to let a situation like this go on so that we build an internal case against the person. When in some instances in a quick discussion you can find that maybe the other person has a reason… not an excuse for behaving badly.

You don’t know where this person is at. Maybe she wanted the permanent position and is upset she didn’t get it so she is overcompensating to prove her worth/ability. Maybe she has stressors at home that this just added to…. Ask and you may find out and be in a place to develop some empathy and relieve some of your own stress about the situation. Conflict is hard, resolving it is even harder. But it’s a much faster way to get to the root of the problem by working through it.

ETA- looks like you’ve got a lot going on also, so this added stress might be hard for you to navigate as well. More so if you’re uncomfortable with conflict.

Just my $2 worth
~ M ~
 
Some thoughtful responses here... :think: I would try to talk to her first, maybe just offer a coffee & say you'd like to clear the air.

Often, we imagine/suspect the worst when in fact it could be quite far from the truth. I've suffered similar issues at work from both sides of the situation and agree jealousy around looks/performance can actually be a tangible issue, but I would never ASSUME that is the case!

If she is temporary - I'd try not to let it bother you, just be polite & professional and let it all pass.
 
monarch64 said:
I’d rather have a shitty female supervisor giving me the stink eye than a male supervisor sexually harassing me every day as has been the case in nearly every job I’ve ever worked. Not to say that this woman isn’t tedious and negative, but it’s the lesser of two evils in my eyes.

I’ve also dealt with a ton of drama between women at various jobs. Usually I just had to either charm them until things were copacetic or in some cases they left the job altogether because they weren’t able to assimilate. That’s really all I want to say about it. Some people are going to try to get under your skin. Don’t let them. Be confident in what you do and your value add as an employee and eventually things will sort themselves out.

This short/fat, tall/thin stuff is a little odd… I think I’d forget allllll about that if I were you. You have no idea what she’s thinking when it comes to your appearance. Don’t assume she’s envious; she might feel quite the opposite.
Click to expand...

I agree with what you said @monarch64. I have worked with many male bosses without problem, but this year we have a real micromanaging woman. No one gets along with her. But, women do have to work pretty hard to achieve what a man less qualified have to go through to reach the same status.
Try to be chill and to smile and be as friendly as you can be.
And monarch, please don't call me misogynistic again!!!!!! We are on the same side!!
 
I saw this thread earlier and refrained from commenting, because I did not want to stir the pot. But then somebody bumped it with another very sexist comment so here I am. I find the title incredibly sexist and misogynistic. Why not just talk about your crappy boss; why does it have to be your crappy “female” boss? Most people complaining about their bosses who happen to be male would most likely skip the gender mention. It’s really bothersome and reminds me of similar tropes about women who are unsmiling or shrill. It’s gross people. Would you say “my gay boss” or “my black boss” and think that was okay? I don’t think so.
 
babs23r said:
I agree with what you said @monarch64. I have worked with many male bosses without problem, but this year we have a real micromanaging woman. No one gets along with her. But, women do have to work pretty hard to achieve what a man less qualified have to go through to reach the same status.
Try to be chill and to smile and be as friendly as you can be.
And monarch, please don't call me misogynistic again!!!!!! We are on the same side!!
Click to expand...

Hi @babs23r , I have also dealt with female supervisors or co-workers who are micromanagers and I know we’re on the same side. I’m not sure where I called you “misogynistic” as I don’t see it in this thread, but please address it elsewhere if I did; I’m happy to carry on the discussion and come to an understanding. Last, your “try to be chill and smile and be as friendly as you can be” absolutely reeks of a man saying things like “you should smile more, you’d look prettier.” If you can’t or won’t see that, idk that there’s room for further discussion between us.
 
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