Dealing with insecurity

[krispi]

Do any of you ever have times when you know in your head that you shouldn''t feel a certain way, but you can''t help but feel it anyway? How do you deal with it? Is there a way to make your feelings match what you know in your head to be true?

In my case, I think a lot of it stems from my fears of turning 30 later this year. Up until pretty recently, I''d always figured I''d be married with kids by this point. The fact that neither has happened tends to make me freak out a bit and panic that I won''t be able to achieve those things while I still have a biological chance. I know that''s not logical - I know plenty of people who married and had children in their 30''s - but I still can''t seem to help but feel this way.

I think it also finds its way into my relationship. We''ve been together a little over a year, everything''s going pretty great, and he''s not ready to settle down just yet. I understand his reasons - and actually agree with them - there are some other things in his life he needs to concentrate on right now: new job, finances, uncertain housing situation, etc. So I''m particularly careful not to put relationship pressure on top of all those things. But what to do with myself when I start to panic and get upset inside, especially when I know I shouldn''t?

I''m a smart girl, financially independent, good job, own my own house, and have a great circle of friends. I feel like I should be able to conquer these irrational emotions. But lately, it just seems to be getting worse and happening more often. Of course, all my friends tell me 30 is nothing to be worried about, and I agree with them on an intellectual level. So... how do I stop worrying? Anyone have any tactics that have worked for them?

 

[Patchee]

Hi Krispi,

How old is your boyfriend? If he is anything 30 or above in age you would think he should have at least housing situated.

I am 30 as well. I just got engaged on Christmas to someone who is almost 40 - both secure and ready for the step but before hand even with my great relationship I felt insecure at times thinking is *this* ever going to happen, be me. . . I seriously think it is an age thing. At 20 -something I did not care to find out or hope to see what was next - I just lived my life but once 30 came around you actually start thinking about settling down, the future and the like. It's a normal, scary, emotional, secure then not secure feeling all wrapped into one.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/17/2008 2:28:15 PM
Author: Patchee

How old is your boyfriend? If he is anything 30 or above in age you would think he should have at least housing situated.

Just to throw this out there, that''s not necessarily the case. Depending on cost of living where they are (here in SoCal, it''s nearly impossible to find a one bedroom CONDO for less than 400 - 500K if you want to be in an OK area) and what he''s been doing (if he just finished grad school, for example, or something along those lines), he could be in a transitional time even if he''s already hit the dreaded 3-0.

As far as the insecurity thing goes, everyone experiences it. Maybe try bringing it uup with your boyfriend and seeing if you can find out when he will be ready?

I wish you the best of luck--these times are never easy to go through.

 

[krispi]

Thanks for the reassurance! I just hate being so worked up over something I should know isn''t that big of a deal. I guess it''s one of the curses of being a girl, huh?

Just to clarify things, the BF isn''t a moocher by any standards. He actually works really hard and has a lot of ambition. He''s lived on his own and supported himself since high school, and even put himself through 3 degrees. He just finished grad school and is temporarily staying with the parents for a few months until he gets a few other things figured out. He''s working on paying off some things from school and contemplating taking a new job offer that would materialize around late spring. Once those things are ironed out, I''m sure he''ll get his own place again - I can tell it''s driving him crazy in the meantime.

When we''ve talked about the future, he has said that he wants to be with me, but that he has to get these things taken care of first. I do understand and support that - he wants to feel like he''s supporting himself and not taking advantage of me. I wish that I could just relax and kick back in the meantime instead of getting antsy and worrying so much about the "big 3-0".

 

[bensbride]

I can kind of understand what you mean. I''m 27 and my BF and all his friends, which I''m so honored to say are now MY friends too, are 22-23. All of his closest friends are married or engaged or soon to be engaged. My best friend is married with a 3 year old. Its easy to look at yourself and panic because you''re getting close to your "scary age" as they called it on SATC. I feel that biological clock feeling, too. The BF once asked me how long I would ideally like to be married before we started trying to have a child. He would like to wait 2-3 years and I would like to wait maybe a year. I just feel like I want kids before I''m 35, but then I scold myself for setting goals like that. Its so easy to do, though. Especially because I''m a Labor and Delivery and NICU nurse and work with newborns all the time. Sometimes little teenage mommas look at me and ask if I have kids. When I say no they give me this little pity look and I go have a laugh about it later. That''s when I look at my life and am proud and grateful for all the things I have accomplished....an education, a house, a car, a stable job. Its funny how those things are sometimes seen as hinderances for women when they should be celebrated. I don''t know why we start feeling the "old maid" thing so early in life...we''re really still just young pups!

 

[Delster]

BF and I were just talking about this today! We know someone who got engaged recently and is insisting the wedding must take place at a particular time, come what may, even though they can''t find a hotel that''s available for the reception. It''s not that there''s a specific date that''s special to them, their non-negotiable ''date'' is ''any weekend in months X or Y''. We think the reason is that the bride wants to be married before she turns 30... she turns 30 in ''month Z''...

I am 28. I will not be married before I am 30. I have had hissy fits where I''ve felt like since I''ll be over 30 well then that means I''ll be an old, wrinkly, rather sad bride. Is this rational? NO! Is it true? NO! I look at all the beautiful radiant 30+ brides on this site who are proof of the stupidity of my little blips. Like you say, rationally, intellecutally, I know this. But do I still get wobbly moments? YES! I know I''m a ninny, and most of the time I manage to cop myself on. I can''t really say how I do that other than to kind of ride it out. It''s a funny kind of deep seated angst that isn''t responsive to anything rational I say to myself in my head

 

[bee*]

I can understand those irrational niggles also. In my case it was turning 26 (yep that''s my scary age!!). Well I''ve turned it and life is no different. I would have a word with your boyfriend just so he understands if you get upset. So many people are getting married over thirty now and not starting families until they''re well into their thirties. Look back on your twenties as the time that you enjoyed being independent, having fun etc. You can then enter your thirties knowing that you have your marriage and kids to follow. It can be difficult seeing other people getting married and engaged around you when that''s what you''d like for yourself too but it will come to you. Your bf sounds like he''s doing the sensible thing by trying to pay off some of the loans before you two start living together.

 

[Sha]

I know how you feel. I always wanted to be married and have at least one child before I was 30 too. I''m 31 right now...turning 32 later this year. Just got married last year, but we won''t start trying for a child until I''m 32, which is a bit later than I would have wanted. (By the way, I don''t think you''re irrational for wanting children before 35) But what can you do? Sometimes you just don''t meet the right person in time. Be thankful that at LEAST you met someone that you''d like to spend your life with. There are so many women out there - 30''s and over - who are looking and haven''t found that special someone.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Absolutely normal! It happens to us all.

I felt similarly when I was approaching 29. My bf woke me up on my bday and gave me a big bday kiss and bday wishes and gave me a beautiful watch. It was really special ... To thank him, I started crying and nothing he did could console me.

I just felt awful. I was still completing my Master''s degree and not yet married etc ... I just didn''t feel like I was adhering to the societal plan that had been laid out for me by who knows who. It was crazy but I felt it for real and was upset. When I was younger, I thought I was going to get married by 26 and everything else in my life would be in place as well ... Not so. After that meltdown, I was okay. I realized that I was just where I wanted to be and really okay with that. Now that I look back, I can''t even imagine why I would have wanted to be married at 26 ... Life has been great and now that my bf and I are progressing towards marriage ... it now feels like the perfect time.

You and your bf sound as though you have your heads screwed on properly and you are making good choices. Will everyday be perfect, no, but from what you have described, life sounds pretty darn good. Good for you for achieving personal goals. Try to reflect on your accomplishments and enjoy the good times you have with your bf and this normal bout of insecurity should pass. If not, make sure to discuss it with your bf. It''s always nice to have a shoulder to lean or someone we care about to support us to reaffirm that we are okay.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/17/2008 2:10:35 PM
Author:krispi

Do any of you ever have times when you know in your head that you shouldn't feel a certain way, but you can't help but feel it anyway? How do you deal with it? Is there a way to make your feelings match what you know in your head to be true?

In my case, I think a lot of it stems from my fears of turning 30 later this year. Up until pretty recently, I'd always figured I'd be married with kids by this point. The fact that neither has happened tends to make me freak out a bit and panic that I won't be able to achieve those things while I still have a biological chance. I know that's not logical - I know plenty of people who married and had children in their 30's - but I still can't seem to help but feel this way.

I think it also finds its way into my relationship. We've been together a little over a year, everything's going pretty great, and he's not ready to settle down just yet. I understand his reasons - and actually agree with them - there are some other things in his life he needs to concentrate on right now: new job, finances, uncertain housing situation, etc. So I'm particularly careful not to put relationship pressure on top of all those things. But what to do with myself when I start to panic and get upset inside, especially when I know I shouldn't?

I'm a smart girl, financially independent, good job, own my own house, and have a great circle of friends. I feel like I should be able to conquer these irrational emotions. But lately, it just seems to be getting worse and happening more often. Of course, all my friends tell me 30 is nothing to be worried about, and I agree with them on an intellectual level. So... how do I stop worrying? Anyone have any tactics that have worked for them?

I read your post and was just nodding my head. I go through this A LOT and sympathize.

First of all - RELAX! You're human and have a right to your feelings. Even if they're "irrational," you still shouldn't shut them off. Let them be. Look at them.

In my case, I am going to be 40 in a couple of months. 30 did not bother me, but 40 does....only because I have seen a lot of women around me go downhill at 40. This is not rational for me to think about - I look like I am in my late 20s, am still in good shape even after having a child (I wear a size 6 or and take good care of myself, and I have a young attitude. Meanwhile, I have a good job, a great kid and an equally great boyfriend that I have been dating 2 years. I am also divorced, and even in spite of that, I still want to settle down and am getting antsy. My boyfriend has been divorced for only a few months longer than I have been (3 years), but his experience with marriage was different. He tells me that he loves me constantly and treats me like a queen, and he has said that he would like to get married again....but is very scared and cautious. I was only married for 4 years; he was married for 20 (and with his ex for 4 years before that). So, the majority of his life was spent with this one woman, in a relationship that soured and soured bad, with lots of repercussions. For example, he has two teenagers that he has had almost sole custody of since his divorce. Without elaborating, his ex has A LOT of issues (psych, substance, a complete lack of maturity) and can barely take care of herself, nevermind two kids. He tells me often, also, that he intended on staying married forever, did not want to be divorced and stayed with her for probably 15 years longer than was sane....he hoped things would get better and he got out when it became obvious that it wouldn't.

As you can imagine, having two kids in his house 24/7 and my having one in my house 50% of the time affects and impacts our relationship. He also spent the last year caring for a terminally ill mother that just passed away. And if that wasn't enough, his daughter is ADD/ADHD and was recently diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar. My boyfriend took her for an evaluation after he noticed that she was having tantrums, school problems and mood swings like her mother - and they found a biological cause for it. Unfortunately, his ex thinks there is nothing wrong with herself and refuses any treatment that doesn't involve going to a bar. His daughter's medication is not stabilized as yet, so there are some days where being around her are hell. Like you, I'm careful with not putting any pressure to "go forward" onto him, because he's got enough. These things are resolving and settling slowly....and sometimes, it's too slow for me. I call my best friend often to whine about, "This is NOT where I wanted my life to be at 40" and "Why is it that I meet the perfect man for me after spending most of my life being with losers....and there are all these roadblocks to our relationship going forward?" She reminds me that a) good things come to those who wait and b) that I have to have patience with this particular man, because his issues didn't crop up overnight and won't go away overnight, either. A good girlfriend - or this board - is a great place to vent/get perspective.

How else do I deal? For one, I have a great counselor that I started seeing when I got divorced and just kept going to. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND counseling to everyone - even if you don't think you "need" it. It's good to have an impartial, non-emotional party to bounce things off of. For example, she reminds me that I married my ex without fully thinking of the impact of my actions. She said to me recently, "Now you're seeing what would be in your life daily if you rushed into daily life with this man. Wouldn't it be better to wait until some things clear up? Think about where rushing without fully considering the situation got you before (in a crappy marriage and divorced)." Sometimes, we need to be informed of the obvious. She also tells me what I told you above: Recognize your feelings and try to figure out why they're there.

I also take the tact of a good friend of mine who is in AA. Her mantra is "One Day At A Time." I would badly, badly like to be engaged and living with my man, and I force myself to look at "Just Today." You can drive yourself nuts projecting into the future. I am also working on letting go of the "Holy Sh*t, I'm almost 40!" freak-out. Rather than concentrate on that, it's been very helpful for me to look at examples of actresses and people I know who are 40 and over and who are not living like "old ladies." My best friend pointed out that Halle Berry, who I just think is stunning and an incredible woman/actress, is just now pregnant for the first time at 41 -- and her boyfriend is a gorgeous model! She also reminded me that 40 now is not what 40 was 20 years ago - which is true. My mother at 40 was more what I imagine myself as at 50 or older.....

Think about the people around you who were over 30 when their lives got to where you want yours to be.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Delster]

For all the ladies approaching 30 and feeling nervous - I heard this today and it made me smile and feel more embracing of the idea!

The Last Half Birthday

Krispi, hope you''re doing OK!

 

[HollyS]

What are you worried about, again?

Let''s see:

You''re not quite yet 30. How very lovely; that is such a great age. Old enough to have acquired some wisdom, not too old to enjoy being young.

You are financially independent. Fantastic! Very few women under 30, unmarried or married, seem to have a true handle on their finances. Many are paying off the credit cards and student loans from their college years; or they''re financially strapped because they''ve started their families.

You own your own home. Wonderful! Most women under 30 do not own their own home; many married women under 30 do not own a home with their spouse. You must be doing very well for yourself, which brings me to. . .

You have a good job. Obviously it pays nicely, and you are able to own a home and put money aside for your future. Many women under 30 are just getting their feet wet, and really struggling to make ends meet, as are many couples in that age group.

You have a great social circle. That must be nice, especially if you live where there are many entertainment/lifestyle choices to share with your friends.

You have a relationship that''s going pretty well. Terrific! When I was on the verge of 30, the well had run dry! Available, unmarried males can be scarce at that age. I found men were on they''re first marriage, or the unattached ones were unattached for a reason!

You live in an age that allows strong possibilities for bearing children well into your 40s. How wonderful is that! You don''t have to panic about your biological clock for awhile yet; and moms who have babies in their 30s will tell you they are much calmer and organized than they would have been in their 20s. Your 30s will be a near perfect age for being a mom.

Count your blessings my dear; live with a thankful heart for all that you have; the best is yet to come and it will. Somewhere in this coming decade of your life, you will look back on this and ask yourself, "What was I so worried about?". Indeed.

 

[krispi]

Thanks for all the reassurance, everyone! It really helps to know I''m not the only one who feels this way. I''ve never really been the best at being patient, but I''m working on it.

In the meantime, I''m also going to try to work on our communication. I think that will help me feel better too. It''s amazing sometimes how, despite everything that we have in common, we''re really worlds apart in how we try to talk to each other.