Dealing with pressuring parents

[pannini]

So my parents mean well. They do. I am trying to distract them from constantly asking "when are you getting married?" because well, I know we will be getting engaged, we talk about rings and are commissioning a job by Leon Mege, we are talking about who to be in our party, etc. We just haven''t done a proposal and we don''t have an official statement saying that we are officially engaged. Why? Because we aren''t yet! But the parents, the aunts and uncles, etc. they all ask and say "well what''s wrong with him? You''ve been together for so long now, is he just getting comfortable? Maybe you should find someone who will marry you. You''re getting too old to be living with your boyfriend still."

My stepdad late 60s, Chinese, and very nosy.... said to me the other day "I was watching ''He''s Just Not That Into You'' and I immediately thought of you and Steve when I saw the story about Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck''s characters. Maybe Steve needs to watch it so he can see you are waiting to get married."

OH. MY. GAWD! Lol.

These nagging comments really are meant to be looking out for my well-being, I know it. It''s the Asian parents putting pressure on their Asian American daughter.

So, my fellow ladies, how do you fend them off so they won''t nag you, but at the same time leaving them the impression that the boyfriend is not a deadbeat? He''s not, I assure you!

I really am in a bind here. Especially when I want to maintain the surprise in announcing our engagement when the time comes around. That''s the whole fun of it! ARGH. I seriously lose sleep over this problem.
And then the issue comes when we DO announce our engagement, they will all think it''s because they''ve been pressuring us, and not because we''ve been doing it on our own free will.

I feel like I''m in the Joy Luck Club.

 

[misskitty]

Are they aware that a ring is in the works? I know that it might spoil some of the surprise of the actual announcement, but if you can semi-appease them with something like "We''re having a custom ring made, and that takes time. We''ll let you know as soon as it happens." that might help? At the very least, it''ll help diffuse the idea that your boyfriend is a deadbeat.

 

[Squirrly]

lol, wanna trade dads? mine refuses to believe i am going to get engaged and will not believe so until he sees the ring on my hand.

i don''t know if you''ve tried this but perhaps explaining to your dad that your FF recognizes how unique and beautiful of a woman you are and is set on finding a ring worthy enough to give to his special girl

try stuff like that and throw in how excited you are that he cares so much to go to all that trouble for you ect ect

then maybe you can convince your dad that this guy of yours really does appreciate you

and not have to say one word about anything specific

 

[pannini]

misskitty- thanks so much for your tip. it seems like that would make things so much easier, but then they will keep asking me what''s happening, more often!

squirrly- yeah sure, we can trade dads, anytime! ha! anyway, like i said to misskitty, it''s gonna take something else rather than commenting on a ring in the works, that will just spread rumors, and everyone will assume we''re engaged when we aren''t (yet). plus, it takes our intentions of keeping it a surprise. our family likes to talk. within a day everyone will know we''re working on a ring!

 

[Bjedifish]

BOO!!! To nagging parents!!!

I feel your pain!! I swear when I was 25 I was too young to get married (according to her!)

but the minuet I turned 27, it was like, OMG I have no grankids!! I am now 29 and she is freaking out, not to mention freaking me out!!

I literally had to flat out say to her that she wasn''t making the situation any better and we will get engaged when we darn well please. She has backed off since then, but I totally lost sleep over it too. Finally, we are at the point where she doesn''t ask me every time we get together, and thank goodness, because you''re right; what a shame it would be if the surprise and elation of that special announcement (finally! )

were gone! Good luck, I know it''ll all turn out fine!

Laura

 

[Indylady]

Jeez Louise I know where you are coming from!!


My parents, their friends, aunts, uncles, basically everyone and their best friend, seem to think its ok to ask me when I''m going to get engaged or married. EEK!

I''ve literally lost sleep over it too..Personally, I just keep reminding myself they mean well, and try to explain to them in a sensible conversation how much I really care about what they think, and how when they ''think out loud'' or ask me some of the same things over and over it can really get to me. Or, you could do it with a little more subtlety:

Mom: How are you?
Me: I could sleep well at all last night!
Mom: Oh no, how come?
Me: I had a dream where you kept asking me when we were going to get engaged. This is the second one I''ve had!
Mom: Oh dear..

Also, I try to remind them that rushing into a MARRIAGE is not a good idea at all! You''re preparing yourself for lifetime commitment, not just a party! I know that they know this, but remind them that your priority is to have an amazing relationship; just because a couple gets married faster than you and your boyfriend doesn''t mean they are happier!

If nothing works, bubble baths and fancy face masks always make things seem a little brighter.

 

[trillionaire]

Can you give them a really broad timeframe? Such as, I think he is planning something for the holidays! I''m really excited, but I really need you all to ease up a little on the marriage talk so that he can plan the surprise! I assume since the ring is in the works, he will be proposing before then, so that might buy you the time you need.

 

[Bdiddy26]

I feel your pain I''m in the same boat, both sides of our family and all of our friends are doing it. He thinks it is me and everytime anyone says anything he gets pissed off at me. It''s happening so much now that I don''t like going places with him because he just turns into a big crab ass the whole time

I wish I could help but sadly I have no advice, sorry.

 

[pannini]

These tips are so helpful, thanks everyone! I will definitely try to be subtle and tell em that it''s something that needs to be a surprise, and they need to layoff or else it will feel like I''m giving in to their pressure rather than my own free will. Also, just knowing others are out there who feel the same way I do makes me feel just a little more sane!

Thank you and hugs!

 

[lilmissrugger]

Ooh, this is an aggravating situation! It stinks to have people who won''t let up, and unfortunately, what I''ve heard from friends in a similar situation, no matter what you say, they will STILL bug you till you get the ring. I''d just start ignoring them (I know, easier said then done) and focusing on relaxing after every meeting. Those bubblebaths and masks sound great!!

 

[pannini]

haha maybe I should just tell everyone we broke up!

 

[Erin]

I''ll be 34 next month. My Mom is obsessed with it. She will put me in a bad mood because she wants to know what his problem is, maybe I should just leave, well have you tried talking to him about it...

I don''t feel the rush. She says she wants me to be happy, but when she mentioned she wouldn''t care if we just got pregnant and worried about marriage later I knew that the reasoning for all of this was grandchildren. My parents are happily married, in their mid 50s with a lesbian daughter and an engaged son across the country.

I would love for them to be grandparents. They''d be the buy em everything and take em anytime kind. My mom is a teacher about to retire and my dad adores babies and is really unbelievable with them. I know he used to come home every day on his lunch hour to spend time with me prior to school age.

I have no advice. I just answer yep. Yep. I know mom. I know. I don''t know. I understand.
Because if I don''t answer that way, I''ll end up saying something I''ll regret like "Get a life of your own!" Okay, that was a little harsh but it''s too much sometimes.

 

[pannini]

That''s hilarious. that sounds like my answers, "yep. nope. maybe. sure. i know. i know. i know."