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Dear fmil please send me your list of 50 guests.....

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ksprincess

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Sigh,

What do I do? I asked my FMIL to send me a list of 50 guests, not including family, to invite to our wedding. Yesterday I got her list in the mail and it included 115!! Plus 36 family members, which I did not know about because FI could only think of 15 when I tried to get him to write out his list.... But seriously, 115?
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and that is a conservative guess because she wrote a whole lot of "and family" and I don''t know how many kids these people may have. Not to mention I don''t want any non-related kids under the age of 12. I think she took 50 people to mean 50 addresses even though she still gave me 64 addresses all together! What do I do? She sent a note on the back saying 75% of these people wont come which if that works out her number is under 50. But what if more people come!? Our guest list is at like 350 people now with only half of her list entered (I stopped putting it in when I realized how ridiculous it was getting), without my Dad''s guests, and is spiraling out of control.
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If I add all her guests we will reach 400....


Plus, she plans on holding a seperate reception in Michigan for us.
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We don''t have the same FMIL by any chance do we? I''m facing the same problem, we said 50, she came back with 80 and keeps adding more. I''m sorry you''re going through this. From all the advice I got about my dilemma, I would suggest having your FI talk to his mom and then figure out who to cut ot ask them to contribute for every person that''s over our budgeted about. That''s what we''re going to do, against FI''s will because I refuse to pay for her guests when the amount allotted is more than fair.
 
I agree that FI should talk to her about cutting back her guests, but I already now that she will say that 75% of them aren''t going to come (so I shouldn''t worry) and that she just wants them to have an invitation.

How risky is it to assume that most won''t attend? Has anyone else sent out invites with this assumption?
 
Even if 75% of them don''t come, that is not the issue. This is YOUR wedding and if you said 50 guests then 50 guests it will be. If 75% of them won''t come then why send an invitation? She can send an invitation to the reception in Michigan if she wants these people to have an invitation so badly.

I agree that you need to have your FI talk with his mother and tell her that even if 75% of them don''t come there is still a possibility (no matter how small) that ALL of them may come and you just can''t risk that. This is what I did with my own mother. I didn''t invite extended family to the wedding and she really wanted to send an invite to all of them. She said, "They won''t come anyway." and i said, "but that is not a guarantee and I don''t want them at my wedding so we''re not inviting them at all." You just have to be firm, especially since she is not paying for these guests to be there.
 
Exactly, how can she guarantee that 75% won''t come? Will she be paying for the invites and postage as well, (sort of like sending small chunks of cash to people you don''t know)...but the big thing is that you gave her a number! Did she have a wedding at some point? I''m curious about people''s responses because my fmil gave me a list of 120 people to invite and our capacity is 250. She was relieved "to have come in at under 50%" which was what she assumed the groom''s family got. I sort of want to send everyone I know a copy of Amy Vanderbilt''s Wedding etiquette book. But then that would be rude...

Can we all sign some sort of treaty that we will let our future (perhaps unborn) daughters in law have their own weddings?
 
oof. That is absurd. Did you actually mean for her to give you 25 addresses? Do not let it spiral out of control because then you''ll just have one big headache. Stick to your original plan. I personally think with 115 people, it is ok to assume 75% will not make it.
 
Date: 1/23/2008 10:28:27 AM
Author: swimmer
Exactly, how can she guarantee that 75% won''t come? Will she be paying for the invites and postage as well, (sort of like sending small chunks of cash to people you don''t know)...but the big thing is that you gave her a number! Did she have a wedding at some point? I''m curious about people''s responses because my fmil gave me a list of 120 people to invite and our capacity is 250. She was relieved ''to have come in at under 50%'' which was what she assumed the groom''s family got. I sort of want to send everyone I know a copy of Amy Vanderbilt''s Wedding etiquette book. But then that would be rude...

Can we all sign some sort of treaty that we will let our future (perhaps unborn) daughters in law have their own weddings?
Haha. YES. That is a great idea.
 
Well, you know that WE cant do anything, YOU and your FI have to tell her very directly that her list needs to be reduced to 50 bodies, period. And no kids under 12. Period. If she''s having a separate reception for you in MI, then that''s really perfect because you can tell her to feel free to invite all the other people to that party.
 
Date: 1/23/2008 9:43:28 AM
Author:ksprincess
Sigh,

What do I do? I asked my FMIL to send me a list of 50 guests, not including family, to invite to our wedding. Yesterday I got her list in the mail and it included 115!! Plus 36 family members, which I did not know about because FI could only think of 15 when I tried to get him to write out his list.... But seriously, 115?
20.gif
and that is a conservative guess because she wrote a whole lot of ''and family'' and I don''t know how many kids these people may have. Not to mention I don''t want any non-related kids under the age of 12. I think she took 50 people to mean 50 addresses even though she still gave me 64 addresses all together! What do I do? She sent a note on the back saying 75% of these people wont come which if that works out her number is under 50. But what if more people come!? Our guest list is at like 350 people now with only half of her list entered (I stopped putting it in when I realized how ridiculous it was getting), without my Dad''s guests, and is spiraling out of control.
32.gif
If I add all her guests we will reach 400....


Plus, she plans on holding a seperate reception in Michigan for us.
40.gif
Woah woah woah. If she wants 4000 people at a wedding, she needs to get her vows renewed or something. This is not her wedding! "And family", indeed. That''s ludicrous. Especially the whole kids under 12 thing; with all those "and family"''s, you''re going to have a regular daycare up in there.
 
I never understood why a parent should have guest of their own to invite. We didn''t invite any of our parents'' friends/co-workers. It was a simple choice for us because our families are both large. We didn''t have many of our own friends invited, only the closest.

So, it''s YOUR wedding. If she can''t stand the thought of Frieda not getting an invite, then she''s gonna have to deal with it. Don''t stress about it. If she doesn''t cut down her list, just tell her the first 50 will be the ones you invite.
 
I guess I'm in the minority here, but I really don't think you have much to worry over as far as all of them coming. Let's say she did say to invite 115 people. I bet that probably 50 or fewer will attend. I mean, here's the way I think about it:

Let's say you receive an invitation to the wedding of one of your friend's sons, and you met the son a few random times, and he's marrying a girl you don't know, and the wedding isn't in a location that is exactly a hop, skip, and a jump from you home. You are probably going to RSVP "no" and just send a gift or something. You are even MORE likely to RSVP "no" if you have kids, and the reception is adult only.

So, I don't think it'll be a huge issue.

I was in a similar situation myself. Thanks to our parents, we invited 350-400 people (and that was being somewhat conservative.), and our hall was designed for 200. I was nervous at first, but it all worked out just fine. I think we ended up with about 220 (which ended up working although it did entail some last min seating chart changes) We knew in advance that quite a few from both sides of the guest list wouldn't attend, but we invited them anyway because they were family/important family friends/whatever/it was important to our parents. And surely enough, many of them RSVP'd "no." The ones that came were ones who I grew up knowing well/people from the area. But certainly none of the "guests that were invited b/c our parents say so" from out of town came all that way just for some kids their friends are related to. They thought it was sweet that they were asked, thanked us for the invite, and some even sent along gifts.

I think you should have your fiance talk to her and suggest that she be a little more conservative or AT LEAST find out how many of the names on the list are children under 12 so that you can be sure to indicate on your invitations that it is an adult only reception. Also find out the likelyhood of all those people actually coming.

Now, you DO have to set a limit somewhere, but I wouldn't stress if you are inviting more people than what your venue can hold.

What # of guests were you actually planning for BTW? If it's like 100, then you may be in trouble, but if it's like 200ish, I wouldn't stress too much.

I know it can get real crazy, especially when deciding who to include, but I think having to revamp the guest list a few times is pretty normal.
 
I always handle things so quickly..Just called FMIL and talked to her. We agreed to keep most of her list of friends...i.e. the ones I don''t know on a seperate "Michigan Reception" invite list, and just add the family!
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Guest list is still way bigger than I would like, 300+ but Fancy605 has given me hope that I will hopefully only get 200-250!

My FMIL really is a nice women, she just has no clue about etiquette, but she sinced my hesitancy and volunteered to cut the list down, without me actually having to ask her.
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GREAT News!! I''m so glad you worked it out quickly and easily!
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May all of your problems in life work out equally easily!
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