death/weddings/dilemas

[supergirl10]

Thanks for those of you who are taking the time to read this. I know a few of you have had a few deaths recently and I was hoping for everyone''s opinions on this matter ...

FI&I have a dilema and i need some objective opinions. To cut a looonnng story down. His nana has weeks and when we were visiting, her sister (FI''s great aunt) told us (and i quote) "that we should have a wedding ceremony by her bedside but just not tell her that it isn''t the real one"!

After she said it I was just kind of in shock like ... wow ok.

So ... my dilema is - im not sure how much his nana has acutally said vs. what her sister just thought was "right thing to say to us". I also don''t think his nana is that selfish that she would want me to give up my dreams of a pretty dress, all our family and friends, photographer etc. just so we could have a ceremony for her. (i hope i didn''t sound like a total b*tch there).

When she first found out she was ill (like when she had no timeline), she said a few time that she wished we could get married this year. I explained to her that 1) we didn''t have the money to do it now and 2) (most importantly) my uni and studies are extremely busy and really important and i didn''t want anything to take the focus away from that!

Some history - our fathers were best friends growing up so I have essentially known his Nana since i was a child. Also he is not super close to his nana, mainly due to some of the things she has put his grandfather through (i''m only mentioning that so give a better history of why he is hesitating ... no more). FI just said before, if it was one of our parents there would be no questions, but he is still a little hestiant.

So i talked to my mum and she suggested an informal "committment ceremony" just with nana, grandad and us (my parents would be their to take pics etc but that was mostly just cos they are closer than his). I put that idea to him but he still isn''t really interested he thinks it is all a bit dramatic and over the top (like something from a movie)!

Also i am conscious of the fact that his great aunt may have repeated the particulars of our converstaion to his Nana, and if she knows that we have been told her wish and choose to ignore it well that would just be really really heartless of both of us.

So what i need despareately from my PS friends is:
1) opinons - what would you do in this situation as the grandaughter and law to be NOT the grandaughter
2) what do you think of the informal committment cereomony or do you have other suggestions

 

[bee*]

I think that an informal commitment ceremony would be a nice thing to do for her if she really wants to witness the two of you getting married. I wouldn''t wear a wedding dress but I''d pick a nice pretty dress out and just keep it low key. It can be hard though if your FI doesn''t want to go through with it. Is there any way he can have a word with her and just say that he''s not that comfortable with the whole thing?

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I think it would be a nice gesture on your part to have a simple, informal ceremony for your fi''s grandma, especially since she watched the both of you grow up.

I understand that your fi might not be into it, but if she really has only a few weeks to live, he may regret not doing it by the time your real wedding happens, i think others would feel it was a nice gesture too.

 

[Pandora II]

I''ll disagree here and say that you should go with your original plans unless this is something that you both truly want to do.

 

[mayachel]

I think a commitment ceremony, or union blessing of sorts would be a nice gesture. Low key, no huge dress etc... I''d imagine that at the end of life, if one is feeling scared of letting go, because of all the things they feel they will be missing out on that they were looking forward to is huge. Grandchildren, that you know are about to be wed...and ya just aren''t going to make it? rough.

 

[Kelli]

I feel for you AND your FI in this situation. My fiancee would probably feel the same way yours does, and to be honest, I would too. It does seem a little over the top, but if your nana really wants this, it may be worth doing anyway. But your FI needs to be ok with it, and he should be the one to take responsibilty for finding out if this is really what his nana wants. You shouldn''t have to take the word of her sister if you could speak directly to her about it. So sorry you''re going through this.

 

[Kelli]

Oh I forgot to add, I don''t think you should lie to her about whether or not it''s the real wedding. That seems a little patronizing to me.

 

[supergirl10]

Thanks to bee, hawian, keli, may and pandora for replying to this for me.

I see that the majority of you felt that a simple ceremony that was just symbolic would be appropriate, that is the conclusion that i have made also.

I haven''t brought it up with FI again, (i can''t remember who), but someone suggested that he might regret it if we didn''t do it and that is what i am worried about which is why i feel so strongly about it (and something i should def bring up with him.)

I really was just thinking a pretty dress and hair ? one/small bunch of flowers(for me), nice attire for him, and some simple vows off net (no minister). Then a tiny cake/ little afternoon tea afterwards?

Also i should just confirm that neither of us have any intention of decieving her or tricking her into thinking this is our real wedding i only mentioned it to give you all an idea of how i may have been feeling about the sisters "little chat with me".

Besides the fact that that is just a decietful thing to do, she is unwell but not that unwell and i am sure she would not be fooled. I could chat to her about it, but i really don''t want to dob her sister in for mentioning it to me so i dont think i will have a chat and ask her how she feels about it or what she wants.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/19/2009 2:22:15 AM
Author: supergirl10



I really was just thinking a pretty dress and hair ? one/small bunch of flowers(for me), nice attire for him, and some simple vows off net (no minister). Then a tiny cake/ little afternoon tea afterwards?

Yep that sounds perfect. I think that would be lovely.

 

[doodle]

Ultimately, I think this one''s more your FI''s call than yours, and it''d be his place to find out what her wishes are and whether or not he wishes to comply (not to leave you entirely out of the decision-making! You just seem like you''re willing to go along with whatever he feels is best on this one, so I assumed, ha!). I think if anyone is to discuss the issue with his nana, he needs to be the one to do so. Should he feel comfortable with the whole thing, I think your ideas sounded really lovely and would be a nice way to make her feel included.

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m glad that you found a solution. Will be very nice to have a special moment with grandma.