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Deeply sad I will not have a daughter.

Dreamer_D

Dreamer_D

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
28,244
I love my sons, they are wonderful and I am so blessed to have them. Please do not think me ungrateful for the beautiful, healthy, happy children I have. My feelings have nothing to do with the kids I do have, but everything to do with a feeling of loss about all the experiences I am unlikely to have.

Ever since I had my second son, who is most likely our last child, I have been feeling a deep sadness about not having a daughter in my life.I am a daughter, obviously, and only child, and am very close with my mother. And it makes me tear up to think I will not get to have that type of relationship with a daughter, and share in her life the way that my mom has shared in mine. I think of how she was present at the births of both our kids, how she helped with my wedding. I just don't think I will have that type of relationship with my future daughters-in-law (if I have them).

I know having a daughter would not guarantee those future experiences that I am mourning the loss of now, but I still cannot help but feel sad. I am trying to process these feelings and let go of those hopes I had, but it is hard. I console myself by thinking that raising boys will likely be much simpler for me, as their mom... they won't hate me when they are 13 like a daughter would ;)) , but that still does not completely remove the sense of loss.

I wonder if anyone else has had similar feelings?
 
DD-we're still figuring out next steps to grow our family and are definitely not done yet so I am not in the same place, but I can empathize with where you are coming from as I would be deeply sad not to have more children and/or not to have a daughter. HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!!!

FWIW-I will say that several wise individuals on PS and IRL have counseled me that if you feel a strong urge for another child maybe that is for a reason and that when they were really done having children they felt a deep peace about it...
 
Thanks Bella. A part of me does think we will have another child, but we will only do that if we really want another BOY, we would not do it hoping for a girl because I really believe we would have all boys no matter how many kids we had!

I think if money was not an issue we would have another one, maybe in 3 years. But we live somewhere really expensive -- you can relate I am sure -- and so it would likely have a big impact on the lifestyle our other kids would enjoy if we had a third. We'll figure it out, I think we will know how we feel in a few years.

Having kids is such an interesting experience. No matter what you have to let go of some hopes and expectations you have. But that is hard sometimes!
 
this may sound weird but if I *knew* I could have a girl I would go for it. I totally wanted boys!!! Now I would love a girl but lately I have been feeling every bit my age! Also it means a bigger house if we add another kiddo! I would love a girl though! I never had nieces so it would be fun to buy PINK clothes, dresses, etc ;)) but then again I hear boys love their mommas! :bigsmile: so overall I have a slight ache for a girl but not super strong one
 
:-) Yes, definitely only another child if you would be happy with a BOY too:-) I guess what I mean is that if you really don't have peace with this still in a few years maybe you aren't done yet...our friends were in a similar situation (and live in a slightly larger but still pretty small 2 bedroom apt in our neighborhood) they just had their third child, another boy, last week. They were sort of hoping for a girl but are thrilled and I think feel like they are done now.

I totally understand re the challenges of living in an expensive area (we live in NYC and have an approx. 875 sf 2 bedroom co-op and are looking at monthly daycare charges of $1500-$2700 unless we can get B into a subsidized program at DH's school for the spring semester) but our biggest challenge is maternity leave b/c three months with no income is a kick in the a#$ when you are the only one working...if we adopt again I think we'll try to adopt two children at once b/c of the mat leave situation (and if we get pregnant I am totally hoping for twins:-)
 
I think your feelings are justified. I'm pretty saddened about the possibility of never having a little boy (I have two girls). I've had years (infant through 4 of my second daughter, they're 25 mo apart) that I was staunchly against ever TTC again. Here I am, lurking away in the TTC thread and plodding my way through pre-ttc tasks. :wink2:

I think that if you're feeling a sense of loss, then maybe (at least for now) it would be a good idea to rethink how you view your family. There's nothing wrong with saying "maybe someday we'll try just one more time..." and leaving it at that for now. ::)
 
My sister has 3 boys so I know what you are feeling. I have one daughter and I made sure I included my sister when we went out shopping and anything girly. Since her eldest son got married a few years back she was luckly that she is able to have a very close relationship with her DIL. (In fact my her DIL is closer to her than her own neurotic mother). Now my sister is a doting grandmother.

And now I really miss my DD who is away at college. It has been a tremendous adjustment and I have been keeping myself as busy as possible.

Also, my best friend and her husband never had kids , but they treat my DD as if she was part of their family. They visited her at college last weekend and are taking her to NYC on her winter break to take in a show. Last June as a grdauation present they took her to Bermuda.

So if you do not have a daughter of your own, and you need that connection, don't worry. Somehow, someday you will find it.
 
Dreamer, I just want to tell you that I understand and it doesn't mean that you are ungrateful in the least. I do feel like it's common to be sad about missing out on some experiences when you have kids of one gender. It doesn't mean your life is imcomplete, it can just be hard to accept at times.

As the girls in the preggo thread know, I've been struggling with accepting the fact that I'm having a girl (and you probably remember my wanting a boy). I'm not sure if this will be our only, but even if it isn't there are obviously no guarantees. So I wonder if I'll miss out on all the boy things I was looking forward to.

I wish I could help--you already know how lucky you are to have healthy, beautiful boys--but just wanted to let you know that I understand. It's nice to have a place to talk about this without being judged.
 
I totally understand where you are coming from and it is a common feeling. You might want to look at the in-gender forums that have areas that deal specifically with these issues.

It is not a case of being ungrateful for the beautiful, healthy children that you have, it is a case of mourning the experiences that you will not have. I know that I wanted a daughter for the reasons you gave, not because I wanted to buy frilly dresses - I see the relationship I have with my mother and the relationship my MIL has with her 4 sons and they are such different types of interaction. I always said that I would be totally happy with 2 girls, but sad to have two boys as we'd never have more than two!

I too wanted the wedding shopping and the grandchildren - Daisy will no doubt decide to become a nun or something and deprive me of both, but at least the possibility is there for that kind of relationship.

Big hugs to you - it's a tough one.
 
I empathize with you. We were trying for a while to have Lily. I didn't think we'd have any children after JT, but I was very saddened by the idea of never having a daughter. I'm not going to tell you that having a girl is no big deal because it is. There is the frilly dress shopping, the desire to show her your sparklies and paint her toenails. There is the thought of the friendship that the two of you will share when she's an adult. Those are things I feared I would miss out on too.

So, my first suggestion is to really look into your heart and see if your family feels finished. After that, I'd encourage relationships with nieces, daughters-in-law etc. MY Fil always wanted a daughter but my husband was an only child. It took a couple years to get used to each other, but I know that he considers me a daughter and I fill that void for him. There is nothing to be ashamed of in wanting a special bond with another girl/woman. But, you may be able to find it somewhere besides your womb. Hugs to you.
 
Oh Dreamer... you have no idea the bond between mothers and sons-- it is crazy fierce, nothing can break it and will give much richness, love and satisfaction throughout your life... mother in laws to the women they wed not withstanding.. you are the one in these boys hearts, yes when they marry they may yield to your daughter in-law's family, but nothing and no one can come between you - they will always be there

but I do understand your yearning for a baby girl - let me tell you, having reared a darling little she devil - they ain't easy - it's not picnic.. they fight you tooth and claw through teenage years as they establish their own identity-- took daughter and me thirty years, but that baby girl was perched on my hip for two years solid after she was born- we are close now, but its a relationship hard won and will tax you to the max.

You know Dreamer, so many of my friends and colleagues in your generation, at least three I can think of - have third children five or so years after the first two - seems like a generational epidemic - don't count it out, you may get your little girl yet.
 
My godson just got married a week and a half ago. The posting by gardengloves reminded me of it. He is the younger son (of two boys) one of my closest friends had. He picked a song with which to dance with her that really took her by surprise. She had been expecting some classic wedding song, and instead he came up with a Celtic song she had never before heard that said, in essence, "I would be nothing without you". She had to prepare carefully for that dance, so that she didn't ruin her beautifully applied makeup! I wish I could post a photo of the two of them without ruining her anonymity! He is so tall and handsome and she is so tiny and young looking...she still looks like a teenage girl herself! It was wonderful to see her baby son, about to turn 30, simply idolizing her!

But she and I talked a lot over the days of the wedding. She told me of the things she was missing in her life and I told her of the things I was missing in mine.

She had gotten over not having a daughter (once a big loss for her). And I had never minded not having had a son. But she had grown up with her extended family close by and she felt bad that her children didn't have extended family in their lives. Neither of her siblings is ever going to have children and so her children will not have cousins. To her, that is a real loss.

My daughter has first cousins, since my brother has two wonderful daughters. My loss is the daughter I had hoped to have, the one I could leave silverware and jewelry to, that would "carry on" the family line with my mother's silverware and Georg Jensen silver jewelry from the World War II era. I have a daughter who cuts up Tiffany necklaces and designer handbags. I don't think that it is in the cards for me to be leaving her my jewelry!

So...I understand your loss if you don't want to pursue having a daughter, DD! But remember, you can adopt a girl from certain foreign countries!

Deb/AGBF
:read:
 
Well, tagging on to what AGBF said, I know of numerous families with 2-4 boys who adopted girls from China! China is pretty hard to adopt from now, but there are other places!

I am very blessed to have a son and two daughters (and the youngest daughter was adopted from China). I really wanted both sexes and was so very happy that our first two children gave us that. I do want to dispel this notion of girls being so horrible when teens, though! Mine certainly were not! The older one was a little hard headed and did occasionally talk back, but overall she was a great student and daughter during those years. Now that she is in her mid-20's, married, and expecting her own baby girl, we have soooo much to look forward to! Helping her with her wedding and nursery have been a delight! There is no question that I would have adopted a daughter had I not given birth to one! And of course, we did end up adopting a second daughter later on! And she is turning 16 this month and is as sweet as she can be! So you just can't generalize about how kids will be when they are teens because that depends on tons of factors!

So Dreamer, my advice is, if you want a daughter, don't give up that dream!!!! Sure, kids cost money, but I wouldn't take all the riches in the world for having my girls! I think the biggest decision would be whether to take the chance of having another baby and ending up with 3 boys and be in the same position or whether to go ahead and just start saving to adopt.
 
Dreamer, what you describe is very honest and many of us can relate. I'll be honest and say I don't really understand the intense *want* for one gender over another in the beginning - BUT I do very much understand it when it comes to the point / realization that there will be none of a particular gender (ie there is finality). I'll have 2 daughters, and also feel the mourning you do from time to time as this is definitely our last one. We weren't even sure we'd have a #2! All my life I imagined a son, even knew the outfits he'd wear, his name, and imagined myself going to sporting events and being that annoying mom to future girlfriends (no one will be good enough!).
But then it was another girl! I'm ok with it, I love the idea of same sex siblings since I myself have a sister I am very close to and you are right about mother daughter relationships as well (we all love our daddy's, but we go to our moms for everything)..but still there is a sense of loss because of the finality (will never say the word "my son."). So it's a valid emotion and one we (those who will not have one of each), will have to process and confront. Sometimes I even catch myself wondering if I should have tried to sway it more back when TTC which is crazy!!! I know for me I'm hoping this sense of something missing will change once #2 is here, but it sounds like that might not be the case, so better to accept it and try to work through it positively. One thing I'm worried about is that I won't bond with #2 as well as I did with #1 (she's already got a closet full of hand me downs poor thing) - but in any case, she'll be here in 2 wks, so we'll see!

I think it's a start to talk about it here, you are definitely not alone and just talking it out is part of the acceptance process. You may have more chidren so the door isn't closed (although trying for a particular gender is not a good reason to have more - but people have no issue asking me this question all the time!) and you do have the most beautiful boys! Want to exchange one for one of mine? :D
 
Thank you all for the heartfelt and thoughtful replies!

Bella you could be right abotu not being done. I definitely don't feel like our family is complete and as exhausting as two have been, I am not running for the hills at the notion of a third. We will play it by ear and see how the coming years go.

tammy That is exactly how we are thinking of it. No permanent birth control decisions yet ::) Good luck in TTC your third!

soo cool I think part of it is that I am an only child and so there are no cousins near me to steal ;)) Of course, I am aunty to some of my childhood freinds' kids... too bad they live in other cities. This is the trouble with modern life in some ways, we move away/around for career and it is harder to keep those connection.

NEL I did not know you were having a girl! Ain't that just fate messing with you, eh? Right now it is hard to process because you have not met her yet, but once she is here your sense of apprehension or loss will diminish a bit. You will get to know her as an individual and she will sort of transcend her gender and you will learn to love raising a little girl I am sure. And who knows what the future holds, for all of us I guess. My younger son is such a squishy little pudge pot and so sweet it is not even funny. For me, even though we wanted a girl, those aspects of my son's disposition do compensate. Maybe you will have a wild hellion tom boy daughter!

Pandora Knowing what I do about Daisy, she will most definitely become a nun to mess with you ;))

SS Such a touching turn of phrase, that I may have to find the connection with another woman somewhere other than my womb. I will remember that.

gardengloves Oh I hope that my boys love me like that. My husband is very close with his mother, he talks to her every day. She has three boys, and I know even now she is sad not to have a daughter and to have missed out on that relationship :blackeye: I think she hoped to be that close with her DILs, including me, but for whatever reason it has not turned out like she wanted I think. Her boys all chose wives quite different than her, despite their love and adoration of their mom. Funny that.

AGBF and DS I always thought about adoption as a younger woman, and now I am not sure it is the route for us. But we are not closed to it by any means, and I know that if we decide not to have another biological child, or even if we do, and find in the future we still long for a daughter, then it is something that we would certainly consider and revisit. DS My jokes about teenage girls are based mostly on my own teen years ;)) I was a high achieving, wild, mouthy, moody wonder.

Janine haha, I have thought about trading with one of my friends who ended up with two girls, especially when our older son is being a handful ;)) You will love and bond with your new baby, don't worry one little bit. Being a mom to a newborn the second time around is such a treat. You are so much more experienced and relaxed you just enjoy them so much more than you were able to with the older one. And newborns are just so loving and they adore their mummies so much. Ryder just stares and stares at me, you can feel the love. It is a wonderful succor when your older child is telling you to go away ;)) Two kids is harder, but a new baby does help ease some of the stings a toddler/preschooler can cause for sure. You are going to melt for your new daughter, don't you worry.
 
I think what you are feeling is 100% normal. I have many friends who have all boys who have expressed the same feelings. One already has three boys so going for a fourth child is not as realistic. I think most of us imagine what our lives will be like and when life takes its own course (which it usually does) there is a sense of loss and acceptance needs to happen. My advice is not to deny or minimize those feelings. You are the right to feel sad and it does not take away from the love you have for your boys. Feel them, accept them, and then surrender them.
 
Dreamer, I totally understand your feelings. You had a vision of having that mother daughter relationship that you have now with your mom. I also would love to have that one day too. I also agree with the other posters to give it some time and you might want to give it a go one more time when your ready. For me, I have such a great relationship with my mom so I know how you feel. I feel I would miss out on that as well if I never have a little girl. But I try to put it into perspective that I have a good friend who is pregnant with a little girl that I can dote on and something just feels natural about me saying "me and my boys!" My DH always makes a joke and says that there is only room for one princess in this household - aka ME! ha ha! But anyways, my point is that you shouldn't feel bad about feeling the way you do. I always thought I would have one of each. But right now, I just want one more baby period, even two if that is the way it works out. I hope that one day I can have a great relationship with my DIL's if I don't end up having a daughter. One thing I will say is that little boys love their mommas and we know that first hand!
 
Dreamer:

I love you for posting this as I feel the same way. I am one of three girls...my best friend is my mother who I speak to every day if not more. My sisters and I grew up sharing every detail of our life together, and we still do. The friendship and bond that I have with them is priceless.

My boys are the light of my life and I couldn't imagine life without them but I mourn the loss of not being able to share the joys of being a girl with them. My boys understand that their mom is a girly-girl and they try to do things with me (shop, eat at nice restaurants, tea service at NM....) but it's not the same. My older sister also has two boys and my younger sister has two girls and is expecting a boy early next year. I often look in my closet and wonder....who is going to be able to appreciate this? My clothes, my shoes, my handbags....my jewelry. Who am I going to leave it to?

My husband is awesome. He understands the "gap" it leaves in my life and he does his best to do things with me that aren't always sports related....but it's not the same.

I think that this is all perfectly normal. Surround yourself with your girlfriends and make sure that you are getting "me" time. It really does help.

xo

Roppongi
 
I like this thread, that everyone is understanding about it. I once posted in the past that if I could choose gender, I would choose girl, and got reamed for not just "loving what I was given." That I was being selfish. I don't think it's selfish to wish for a particular gender, especially if you already have one or the other. I ache for a little girl, but my husbands entire family is incapable of making girls...so the likelihood of me having one is slim to nil. It's a depressing though to know I won't ever have my pair, as much as I absolutely love and enjoy my little boy.
 
Dreamer, I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I can only imagine how you are feeling since I have been blessed with one of each but I *know* I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. And I would be equally as disappointed had I born another girl instead of a boy the second time around. I have always wanted to experience what it is to parent both sexes and I expect that I would have chosen to have another child if I had not gotten one of each with our first two... I LOVE having a daughter and (so far, only two months in) I LOVE having a boy but the experience is very very different. I sincerely hope you find peace in your heart whether you choose to have another baby or not.

Sending support, Mrs
 
MonkeyPie|1317850513|3034094 said:
I like this thread, that everyone is understanding about it. I once posted in the past that if I could choose gender, I would choose girl, and got reamed for not just "loving what I was given." That I was being selfish. I don't think it's selfish to wish for a particular gender, especially if you already have one or the other. I ache for a little girl, but my husbands entire family is incapable of making girls...so the likelihood of me having one is slim to nil. It's a depressing though to know I won't ever have my pair, as much as I absolutely love and enjoy my little boy.
Click to expand...

MonkeyPie-

I'm sorry that you got a negative response when you posted about this subject. Sometimes the way you word something is what makes the thread veer in a negative direction; sometimes it's one poster or a couple of posters who happen to be around at the time that decide to bring up a topic that make the topic go a bad way rather than a good way; sometimes someone is just having a bad day or has a headache or isn't feeling well and snaps when (s)he usually wouldn't. And sometimes (I think) there's a full moon!

Whatever the case, I am glad you were here to revisit the issue with Dreamer! I agree with you and her that it is an important one!

Deb/AGBF
:read:
 
Just chiming in to say I understand too, Dreamer. I've always, always wanted a girl. When I got pregnant, I tried hard to make myself okay with the thought of having a boy. I thought it had worked until I started shaking in the ultrasound room when the tech asked if I wanted to know the gender. My heart was beating so fast he had to give me a few moments to calm down. But I was so relieved and happy when I saw the three lines!! That moment made me realize how important having a girl was to me, as much as I had tried to convince myself otherwise.

Now that I'm thinking of ttc #2, I feel a sense of relief that we already have our DD. I would love another girl, but if we had a boy, I would be fine with that too. I think that if we had a boy first, I would be very anxious about having another boy and never having the chance to have the girl I've always dreamed of. That would make me very sad and it would really take some time to come to terms with that.
 
We have 2 grown kids and I wish I had another. We live in an expensive are, too, but in hindsight two kids could have shared a room. We could have taken a few less vacations. I don't think it would have cost much more and I would have enjoyed the hustle and bustle of a busier household.

I totally understand your sadness. Let's keep our fingers crossed for some lovely daughter-in-laws!
 
While I obviously love my son to pieces, I know I would be sad if we stopped here, or if a #2 turned out to be a boy too and I didn't have a daughter. I don't think I'd have been as sad at not having a son, but I don't know. My reasons are the same as yours - I love my relationship with my mom and I know it is different than the relationship between my mom and my brother, or between my mom and my brother's wife.

I told my son that if I never have a girl, he'd better have just as good taste in women as his dad... ;))
 
In my heart of hearts, I wish I would have had a third... boy or girl they are so amazing, and I cannot tell you enough how great they are when you are my age and they are adults.

We are fortunate to have so many intergenerational friends - so many of our young friends who have two sons say... I am a mother of sons, it will never change, but you never know
 
I'm starting to wonder if some small part of gender preference has to do with your own childhood and your own bond with your mom/dad. I have a boy and was ELATED to know he was a he. We plan to have another one, and if it's a girl, awesome. If it's a boy, awesome. If I had had 2 girls, I would have been so so so sad. I always wanted a boy. Having said that, my relationship with my mom is so so. My relationship with my dad is the best you could ask for. Hmmmmm.....I never thought about it before reading this thread. I guess I always figured it was more forward thinking. Such as, I can't wait to dress her up in cute clothes and put bows in her hair and have special salon days with her.
 
I know two families that have either 3 or 4 boys respectively for children. I do know for at least one (4 boys) that she wanted a daughter and that's why they kept trying. I did prefer to have at least 1 daughter, and got two. My husband, especially for the second I know was hoping for a son (which didn't happen). A year after having her, he took me out to dinner and proposed adopting a boy from another country! The most children I wanted was 2 (I know my limits!). And I was in shock and said why didn't you say any of this before? And he said he didn't feel like this until we had our second kid.

So, It can happen the other away around too. My husband was involved in little league, boy scouts, soap box derby, all kinds of stuff but his Dad was a no show to his activities. He had all these visions of having a little boy and doing all the things his Dad didn't do when he was a kid, like throwing a ball around, taking him fishing and canoeing. I know he can do all of that with our girls, but it's not quite the same.

Hugs Dreamer. There are no invalid feelings. Maybe you will have a niece or a granddaughter that becomes part of your life and you can be that awesome aunt or grandmother.
 
Hugs - yeah, I've had thoughts similar to yours. I have two boys, am an only child, and my mom is gone (she left for Europe over 10 years ago and after being there five years, quit communicating with anyone and we are only to presume... :( ), so I have no close female family member - just a long-time best friend, who ALSO is an only child, has two boys, and has a mom who isn't around!

I would like a girl but cannot go through another pregnancy, so the best substitute I've found is volunteering in school. One thing I've discovered is little girls are as WILD and active as boys! lol

Hopefully you find over time, that you'll feel comfortable with your family as is. It would be nice to have a girl (one time my son let me paint a couple of of his toe nails and my husband FLIPPED OUT!!! hahaha) but there are wonderful things to do with boys too! They also like to color, paint and bake cookies ;)
 
Lanie|1317992063|3035257 said:
I'm starting to wonder if some small part of gender preference has to do with your own childhood and your own bond with your mom/dad. I have a boy and was ELATED to know he was a he. We plan to have another one, and if it's a girl, awesome. If it's a boy, awesome. If I had had 2 girls, I would have been so so so sad. I always wanted a boy. Having said that, my relationship with my mom is so so. My relationship with my dad is the best you could ask for. Hmmmmm.....I never thought about it before reading this thread. I guess I always figured it was more forward thinking. Such as, I can't wait to dress her up in cute clothes and put bows in her hair and have special salon days with her.
Click to expand...

I am sure it does, but the way that it does is different for for everyone. This sentiment reminds me of the quotation from Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, "happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." For everyone's childhood has had something missing from from it, something he wants to redo. I think that even for those of us who have happy memories of some things we did with our mothers, the desire to do them again with our daughters is the desire to do them right this time. I know that there were things I really wanted to make sure I did with my daughter that my mother, who was a very loving woman, had not done with me! Having a girl was, in part, about having the chance for a "redo".I wanted to mother my children in the way I wished I had been mothered.

Deb/AGBF
:read:
 
As far as the desire stemming from a relationship that was or wasn't there for you as a kid, I'm not sure. For some people, it probably does. In my own experiences, my mom was a wonderful woman until I was about 10. Then she pretty much lost her mind on many levels and I became the mom. I was the one who nursed the sick little ones. I made sure homework was done and meals were on the table and I stayed home if one of them was sick. As they got older, I was the one who took them shopping for their homecoming and prom dresses, did their hair and makeup and took pics of them getting in the car. Although I know that is totally messed up, I enjoyed being "the mom." So, maybe for me, I wanted to recreate that kind of relationship with my own daughter. I was never unhappy to have a son. I know I'd have been unhappy if I never got a boy too. I just really wanted some of each. lol
 
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