Destination Wedding - Dos and Don''ts, Deciding

[luvthemstrawberries]

My FI and I have been engaged for over 6 months now, but haven't been able to do much planning yet due to various circumstances. We're starting to be able to plan now though!

We've been at a lot of family functions lately, and it's kind of turned us both off to inviting most of our extended families to our wedding, especially the ceremony. Certain ones are cordial to us but don't truly support us, and others are basically supportive but just not our favorite people to be around. And our thing all along has been that we only want people there who are there because they love us and support us. I regard the ceremony as very sacred, and I just don't know how I feel about saying my vows in front of people I know are there just because they're "supposed to be," not because they want to be. There are people in my extended family who do love and support us, and would come, but if I invited them, I'd have to invite everyone else - basically if you dip into the cousin/uncle/aunt section at all, you have to invite them all.

Anyway, without further rambling, we're now discussing heading off somewhere with just our parents and maybe my little brother. Coming back and having a reception/celebration is still up in the air. There's a small part of me that wants the local wedding with all the family, but I just don't know that I'd truly enjoy it in the end. I think it'd be a lot of hassle as far as who's "supposed" to be invited (with my parents), showers, etc. and just ending up with a lot more "social" things being right.

So I'd just like some general advice from anyone who's been involved with the destination weddings. Ours may be a few hours away in the state, or it may be in another country - haven't decided yet. But I'm curious about a couple things...
- If you have a reception/celebration when you come home, do you still have a shower before the wedding? I know my mom will be wondering this. I think I read recently that Freke might have been having a celebration-type thing before she left for Vegas? I can't remember.
- Leading off of that question, do you register if you're going away for a wedding? Other people wouldn't be invited to the wedding itself, but they would be to the celebration afterwards, and the shower before, if those were to take place. I do understand if those didn't take place, there'd be no registering. I think I read that Katamari was having her "EPP" then a casual dinner thing back home, and was curious what she did also.
- Does having a celebration when you come home end up adding more expense than the original local wedding would have been? I guess it depends on what things you do at the destination wedding and if the celebration back home is more casual.

Any experience/advice with DWs would be appreciated. Or if you read anything above and would like to reflect on things I said, please feel free. We're kind of just sitting right now as we try to decide which way we'd like to go with things, and I feel pretty mixed up. Haha, I never anticipated making these decisions!

 

[zipzapgirl]

We did a DW in Italy for about 50 people. Our reasons for doing the DW were that no more than 10% of the guests lived anywhere near each other (=flight or 10+ hr. drive) and doing it in my hometown would have put us up to 300 people in a heartbeat. We chose a paradise location and invited most everyone who showed an interest. My mom is hosting a post-wedding party for us for family and my oldest childhood friends in a few weeks (6 weeks after wedding). It was completely the right decision for us because we let the guest list (our trickiest issue!) cull itself, got to spend time with everyone while we were in Italy, and really got to do our kind of wedding.

We registered and the general rule was that people who were coming to the wedding, and very close family who did not come, sent gifts. The non-attendees didn''t. A couple of people who came did not give gifts or gave something quite small as they considered the trip there to be the gift. We didn''t have a shower since everyone was so spread out in the first place. This all didn''t matter so much to us one way or another, but it could be a consideration if you really need to set up your home.

Personally, I think doing the post-DW-party takes the pressure off a bit and makes it a little bit less expensive, but it''s entirely how you decide to go about it. Also, it depends on your region and the general catering prices, if you''re going to go that route.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We are having a DW and it is the single most brilliant decision that we made! We also had some serious reservations about some of our extended family (including an Aunt that I haven''t spoken to in YEARS!) and I knew that if I had a hometown celebration it would have been world war III if I didn''t invite them.

We started spreading the word about our DW LONG before we even got engaged. I remember that it was one of the most frustrating things about being a LIW when FI (back then he was just my BF) would tell people to save money and vacation days because we were getting married this summer and we weren''t even engaged! However, as soon as we got engaged, we picked a place within a month and gave a deposit to secure our group package.

While I am sad that a few close friends won''t be able to make it due to the economy, I am so incredibly surprised and happy about the 40 guests that are coming and I am even more excited about being able to spend more than just a few hours thanking them for coming to our special day. That said, we REALLY wanted everyone who wanted to come, to be able to come and not worry about gifts. We didn''t register at any B&M stores and those people who have asked that really do want to buy us a wedding present, are directed to our wedding website where they can donate to an orphanage we adopted in the DR.

We have really spread the word that we aren''t registering for gifts and that we don''t really need anything, but would like to have everyone participate in the showers and parties. I am having one big Bridal Shower (two of my friends are hosting it) and we are serving lunch and playing games, but I honestly don''t expect to receive any presents. And another 2 friends are hosting my bachelorette and that one looks like it will be a lingerie shower, but again, I am making sure that everyone knows that I just want them to come out and spend time with me. Finally, FI & I are hosting a pre-departure party the week before we all leave so that all of our guests have a chance to meet before the trip so that if someone arrives at the gate early, they will know other people there and not have everyone standing around by themselves until we arrive.

We aren''t having a separate reception as we didn''t choose a DW to save money. In fact, we are spending about the same amount as we would have in a hometown reception. We are just focusing our money on the fewer people who will be there. And then my FI would have a heart attack if I wanted to have a separate reception, because he would KNOW that I am going to spend more money!

I hope that helped and Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and Good Luck on your planning!

 

[sonnyjane]

I won''t answer all the reception questions because we didn''t end up having one after returning, but we did elope to Hawaii. I didn''t want to register because, well, to be honest, it seems pretty tacky to register and hope that a bunch of people that aren''t invited to the wedding will buy you gifts! Instead, my mother encouraged me to send out wedding announcements after the fact. I had VERY low expectations, and was doing it more as an etiquette move to announce our marriage formally. I printed up very nice cards that had several color pictures from the wedding ceremony and sent them to close friends and family, and many ended up sending monetary gifts.

Regarding our DW, the cost was not any less than it would have been if we would have had a larger ceremony at home, but we stayed for a week, so for us it was an incorporated wedding/honeymoon, so you might want to examine that cost if you''re budgeting. And finally, I will say that the close friends and family route for a wedding is not for everyone, as I understand there are probably just as many brides that dream of a lavish wedding as do an intimate one, but for us it was absolutely the best choice, and our wedding involved not one iota of planning-related stress.

Good luck with your planning!

 

[FrekeChild]

- If you have a reception/celebration when you come home, do you still have a shower before the wedding? I know my mom will be wondering this. I think I read recently that Freke might have been having a celebration-type thing before she left for Vegas? I can''t remember.
- Leading off of that question, do you register if you''re going away for a wedding? Other people wouldn''t be invited to the wedding itself, but they would be to the celebration afterwards, and the shower before, if those were to take place. I do understand if those didn''t take place, there''d be no registering. I think I read that Katamari was having her "EPP" then a casual dinner thing back home, and was curious what she did also.
- Does having a celebration when you come home end up adding more expense than the original local wedding would have been? I guess it depends on what things you do at the destination wedding and if the celebration back home is more casual.

Yeah, we''re having an "engagement party" on the fourth of July. Wedding isn''t until January. It''s been kind of odd, but we''re just going with it, and if anyone questions why we''re doing what we''re doing, I blame my dad.

We registered as well, and good thing, because EVERYONE keeps asking where we''re registered.

As for a celebration...we are going to go cheap--as in catered by a local deli, very casual, etc. So I think the more casual things end up being, the cheaper usually. More people unfortunately, but what can you do?

Does that help at all?

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

zipzagirl - Wow, I bet it was absolutely beautiful in Italy. Sounds like yall had a great time - I''m glad it worked out exactly how you wanted! So it sounds like basically only those invited to the wedding even considered gifts? Did the ones invited to the post-wedding part bring any?

wannabeMrsH - Hahaha, WW3 made me laugh. Yeah mine''s not quite that bad, it''s just that I don''t anticipate everyone really getting along. My family tends to get in its little cliques when it gets together. Pretty uneventful, and I think the reception would turn out that very same way. People really wouldn''t even mingle much. And I don''t anticipate much dancing/party time either by most of them. I sort of like your ideas about the showers though - sounds like fun ideas just for everyone to come and get together. Thank you for your information - I think your wedding is going to be awesome!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 6/15/2009 5:47:04 PM
Author: sonnyjane
I won''t answer all the reception questions because we didn''t end up having one after returning, but we did elope to Hawaii. I didn''t want to register because, well, to be honest, it seems pretty tacky to register and hope that a bunch of people that aren''t invited to the wedding will buy you gifts! Instead, my mother encouraged me to send out wedding announcements after the fact. I had VERY low expectations, and was doing it more as an etiquette move to announce our marriage formally. I printed up very nice cards that had several color pictures from the wedding ceremony and sent them to close friends and family, and many ended up sending monetary gifts.

Regarding our DW, the cost was not any less than it would have been if we would have had a larger ceremony at home, but we stayed for a week, so for us it was an incorporated wedding/honeymoon, so you might want to examine that cost if you''re budgeting. And finally, I will say that the close friends and family route for a wedding is not for everyone, as I understand there are probably just as many brides that dream of a lavish wedding as do an intimate one, but for us it was absolutely the best choice, and our wedding involved not one iota of planning-related stress.

Good luck with your planning!

That''s what I was asking about - I certainly wouldn''t register if I was only having a destination wedding with my parents as the only invited guests. It''d be different if I was inviting a bunch of people and no one chose to come. But if I didn''t invite anyone, I certainly wouldn''t register and ask for gifts.

I''m not searching for a way to make sure I can register - I''m really just curious how it works for DWs and if people every do register or have showers with them. That''s why I was curious about the post-wedding party - you could register for gifts then possibly, but it''s the only time I could think of. Or have a shower, but it didn''t make sense to have a shower and invite people to that when they''re not invited to the wedding, so you''d need an after-wedding party they''d be invited to in order to have a shower.

Just curious though - I think your announcements were a good idea - my mom would probably want us to do that too if we didn''t do anything else. I''m glad your wedding was so great for you guys!! That''s exactly how I want to feel when we''re done - like we made the best decision possible for us and the wedding we should have.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 6/15/2009 5:54:24 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Yeah, we''re having an ''engagement party'' on the fourth of July. Wedding isn''t until January. It''s been kind of odd, but we''re just going with it, and if anyone questions why we''re doing what we''re doing, I blame my dad.

We registered as well, and good thing, because EVERYONE keeps asking where we''re registered.

As for a celebration...we are going to go cheap--as in catered by a local deli, very casual, etc. So I think the more casual things end up being, the cheaper usually. More people unfortunately, but what can you do?

Does that help at all?

Yes that helps - thank you Freke! I think an engagement party would be a good alternative to the usual showers. If I remember correctly, you were terming your party as sort of a send-off party, is that right? And you were inviting people who weren''t actually invited to Vegas with you, but you were making that known?

It would make sense to me to register if you''re having that sort of party. I''m not sure of the etiquette, but with engagement parties that accompany normal local weddings, are people sometimes invited to those that aren''t invited to the wedding?

Hehe when we first starting wedding discussions, we wanted to do a backyard sort of thing, and have pizza and subs from our favorite local places as the food - seriously. Maybe a party like this would be a great time to have that.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I read through a couple of other posts and I wanted to point out another difference. For our DW, we sent out 150 save the date cards and we are sending out 150 formal invitations. So EVERYONE is INVITED to our wedding. However, only 40 people have chosen to come (we still have another 4-6 that MIGHT make it, but it''s doubtful).

I point that out because it seems like you would purposely only invite a few people to your wedding, whereas, I would have been thrilled with anyone coming (I just knew that the wedding guest list would definitely cull itself with a DW).

I used my DW as a way AROUND the family drama. I still sent my evil aunt a Save The Date and I am sending her an invitation, but I am extremely relieved that she isn''t coming and I don''t expect presents since I didn''t register for them.

We are very socially active and we want to have the opportunity to celebrate with as many people as possible, but we recognize that not everyone is in a position to make our "Dream Wedding". We are sending invitations because we really want people to feel a part of our celebration, not because we are hoping for presents.

Does that make sense?

 

[katamari]

Glad to hear you are considering joining the DW and post-party club! I, personally, think it is a fabulous decision, and I am so glad that we decided to do it this way. Yes, we call it the EPP, as you know, but it is essentially the same thing you are looking into. And, we ultimately decided that we only wanted our immediate family witnessing our marriage and wanted to celebrate our relationship with a much broader group. I know it is not the normative way to think about weddings, but I (and it sounds like you, too) see the marriage ceremony and reception as two entirely different things and wanted them separate long before we came up with these concrete plans.

To answer your questions:

1. I think you can have a shower, it is up to you. I am kind-of having one, despite lots of kicking and screaming. However, my mom is only inviting about 20 very close family members. I do, though, think you could have a full-on shower, if you wanted to (as long as everyone you invited was also invited to the post-party).

2. We registered regularly (I guess). We suggested 2 charities and included ways to make donations on our website, but we also registered at Crate and Barrel, Macy''s, and Target. We did not ask for anywhere near the things they suggest you do (the whole 3 gifts per invited person thing) and did not ask for formal china, crystal, silver since (a) we don''t want it and (b) agreed that it didn''t seem fitting given the situation.

When I first started the whole process, I did feel really bad about the whole gift situation (especially after both moms completely shot down the idea of including a message to all guests to NOT get us a gift). I think I may even have some threads about my hesitation over it. But, the more I thought about it, the reason I give people gifts for weddings is not because I witnessed their ceremony, but because I want them to give them a token of support for and celebration of their relationship and marriage. Once I started thinking of it this way, I got less and less weird about the whole registration thing. Of course our guests'' presence is a gift enough, but for anyone I was inviting, I would want to get them something, so who am I to openly deny them the opportunity to do the same, KWIM? It should be up to them if they choose to or not to.

3. Ah, the budgeting. This is where it can get tricky. I do think it is beyond easy to spend as much as a wedding at home would cost or it is also beyond easy to do it on the wedding-relative-cheap. We are, for instance, spending ~$20K on the whole shebang, which could, in OH, easily buy a very nice, just-shy-of-formal wedding. However, for our $20K (well, our parents'' $20K), we are taking 7 of us to Ecuador for 8 days (FI will be there 6 additional days--this includes all flights and lodging) and hosting an after party for ~200 people (238 were invited, but we really expect around 175 to show).

Our after party is costing about $8K--which seems like a lot for essentially a backyard BBQ, but it is still much cheaper than most of my family members''/friends'' weddings in the same area. We are having on FI''s parents property (they are blessed with the space and extremely beautiful scenery) but the tent/chair/plate/glassware/etc. rental is about $3K of that. Another $2K for food (we are doing a southern BBQ from FI uncle''s restaurant, and his is giving it to us at cost, it would be more around $3K if we were charged full price). The remaining is split among decorations (completely flowerless to keep cost down--we are using paper cranes and lanterns instead), photography, hired help (emcee, service staff), transportation for guests to and from the hotel, and misc. expenses.

As for invites, we ultimately couldn''t have everyone there, but are still inviting a lot of people--about 175 family or family friends and about 60 of our friends.

If you want to know anything else about the process, I would be more than happy to share. I am beyond pleased with our decision and do not find myself regretting it in the least.

 

[SapphireLover]

Can I point out from another (spoil sport) point of view?

A friend of mine has been asked to be a BM in a wedding. Turns out it is going to be a destination wedding. The plans have also changed from a European wedding (we are in the UK so that is a cheaper option) to a Caribbean wedding at an even closer date, meaning less time to save up money for it. Its now looking like she will have to pay for her (horrid) BM dress too.

Friend is having nightmares as it is really expensive, she needs loads of spending money, plus still has to organise a Bacholerette party and is expected to buy a present.

My advice on having a DW is
- Only have it if you know that the people you want to come can definitely afford it. When you think about that, think about ALL the costs eg are you choosing a luxury hotel for everybody to stay where to have a coke costs $8? How much does it cost to get to the airport for most of your friends etc. My friends have been to DW and have felt obliged to stay at $$$ hotels, even if there is a cheaper one nearby as they are made to feel like spoil sports not being with the wedding party.
- How much spending money will they need? If you are asking them to come out for 4 or 7 days etc, then think about ALL the costs.
- Will you put on other events during the time you are out there, even if its just a beach bbq or a beer and nachos night.

I am a bit of a misery when it comes to DW. I think that weddings cost enough when you are just a guest at a normal wedding (present, cost of hotel for the night, hen do and stag do etc) that asking people to spend hundreds, often thousands of pounds or dollars, is a bit much.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

wannaBMrsH - Makes total sense! Thank you for the information. I do hope I haven''t made it sound like I''m only looking for a way to invite people so I can get gifts. If I did, I apologize - I want to clarify that I would never, ever do that. Haha and even if I wanted to, my Mom wouldn''t ever let it get past her!

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you didn''t think that. I know what it is to be tacky and rude in situations like this (both from my mom teaching me etiquette, and from being on the receiving end of the ignorant rudeness).

I totally hear you on wanting people to celebrate with you and have as many there as possible. It''s not that we don''t want people celebrating with us, because we do. But for some of the gorgous places we wanted to get married, we just weren''t willing to put forward so much money for a situation where we basically knew what would happen - if we invited everyone, certain family members who could afford it would be able to come, but there are others (who wouldn''t be able to afford it) who I''d honestly much rather have there before some others. Anyway, without too much detail, not much of our family would be able to come to a true DW, which is why we considered just a celebration back home after the fact. Then we could still see everyone and share in celebration with them. I mainly was just curious about registering and showers in regards to finding out if people even do that with DWs, or if it depends on if they have post-wedding parties, or what.

I''m glad you were able to avoid your evil aunt

but will still have a wonderful wedding with many people - it sounds like it''ll be so much fun!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

katamari - Thanks so much for your response! I was hoping you''d chime in. You put into words precisely how we feel about the ceremony vs. the reception.

Haha is the kicking and screaming about the shower on your mom''s part? Just wondering who didn''t like the idea. My mom has never seemed very into the idea of a his-and-hers shower or anything, which is what I''d always thought would be more fun. She has even told me that if I had a shower (this was before the DW talk) all my great-aunts and all these family members I don''t know WILL be invited, because she "just wouldn''t have a shower and not invite them." This is all based on having the big traditional wedding, and inviting all the women in the family, etc. - which apparently extends out to my distant family. They''re people she knew growing up, but I don''t know and have mostly not even met. Those are the types of situations I don''t really want to do, and I figure if you only invite people to showers that you''re inviting to the wedding (aka post-wedding party in this case) and the party is kept fairly small (under 100 - our family only out to first cousins is pretty good sized already) then there''d be no justification to extend shower invitations, of all things, out to distant family members. I guess she''d see me as being stubborn about this, but I just don''t see the point in inviting people you dont'' even know to things like this, even post-DW celebrations.

Thanks for the info about registering - it makes a lot of sense when you explain your thought processes that way. I do the same thing - I always buy a gift for someone getting married as a token of my support - trying to buy something they need or want, which is the point of registering (supposed to be the point, at least). Not just because. I certainly wouldn''t register for china and expensive things - I have no need for that anyway. If I registered at all, it''d be for things I need at home. Haha, no TVs on our registry.

Yeah around here, $20K would easily get you a very formal church/country club wedding. That''s awesome that you guys can cover everything involved in your trip for the EPP, and no one has to worry about a thing except being there. Your post-wedding party sounds like something we''ve discussed as well. Just a backyard event where people can come and celebrate. We''d have our favorite comfort foods and hang out I guess. Are you going to have dancing at yours, sort of like a laid-back version of a reception? And a cake? I defininitely was wanting photography if I was to have a traditional wedding, and I''d still like to find a way to incorporate a great photographer into whatever we do - I guess you can either have them at both events, or just pick one?

 

[zipzapgirl]

Date: 6/15/2009 7:50:00 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries
zipzagirl - Wow, I bet it was absolutely beautiful in Italy. Sounds like yall had a great time - I''m glad it worked out exactly how you wanted! So it sounds like basically only those invited to the wedding even considered gifts? Did the ones invited to the post-wedding part bring any?

wannabeMrsH - Hahaha, WW3 made me laugh. Yeah mine''s not quite that bad, it''s just that I don''t anticipate everyone really getting along. My family tends to get in its little cliques when it gets together. Pretty uneventful, and I think the reception would turn out that very same way. People really wouldn''t even mingle much. And I don''t anticipate much dancing/party time either by most of them. I sort of like your ideas about the showers though - sounds like fun ideas just for everyone to come and get together. Thank you for your information - I think your wedding is going to be awesome!

We took the easy route of inviting all of the family and cousins we might invite to a big wedding. So we avoided the painful and political guest list chop

The post-wedding party is 50 people, which is 35 family who couldn''t make it and 15 close friends from childhood. Only 4 people will be there who actually came to the wedding. The party hasn''t happened yet, but I have been asked a lot about registry info and have talked with my mom quite a bit about it, so I believe they will probably all be bringing gifts. We didn''t have a shower, so this is a bit like a wedding reception/shower event anyway.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

sapphirelover - I hear you on the issues with asking people to spend money. In our case, it'd only be our parents, so we'd definitely make sure before we planned everything that they were ok with it. Heck, we're even still considering a "destination wedding" in state - just drive off to the mountains a few hours away with our parents, go somewhere really beautiful for the ceremony, have a nice dinner with them, and that be it. That'd be very inexpensive. And I wouldn't have a bridal party at all - I still wouldn't even if I had a traditional wedding here at home - that's something I'd decided a long time ago.

Just a thought on my part - your friend shouldn't be expected to buy a present in her situation. At least I don't think so. When she's spending that much money to show up at a wedding in the Caribbean, plus if she's throwing a party, I think she should feel that she's adequately giving of herself enough. And if someone tells her otherwise, she needs to speak up about the costs. I realize it's eqituette to give presents, but no one should ever be looked down on for not giving one in circumstances like these when she's already spending so much money. For myself, if I had decided to invite more people than just parents, I certainly wouldn't expect people to give gifts - that's insane to expect people to spend that much $.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 6/16/2009 9:43:54 AM
Author: zipzapgirl

We took the easy route of inviting all of the family and cousins we might invite to a big wedding. So we avoided the painful and political guest list chop

The post-wedding party is 50 people, which is 35 family who couldn't make it and 15 close friends from childhood. Only 4 people will be there who actually came to the wedding. The party hasn't happened yet, but I have been asked a lot about registry info and have talked with my mom quite a bit about it, so I believe they will probably all be bringing gifts. We didn't have a shower, so this is a bit like a wedding reception/shower event anyway.

Ah, I hear ya. I prefer to avoid drama myself too.

I can only imagine what my family's going to say if they hear I'm not having a wedding they can all come to. Maybe I can appease them by showing a slideshow of ceremony photos at the post-wedding party or something to that effect.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 6/16/2009 9:45:45 AM
Author: luvthemstrawberries
sapphirelover - I hear you on the issues with asking people to spend money. In our case, it''d only be our parents, so we''d definitely make sure before we planned everything that they were ok with it. Heck, we''re even still considering a ''destination wedding'' in state - just drive off to the mountains a few hours away with our parents, go somewhere really beautiful for the ceremony, have a nice dinner with them, and that be it. That''d be very inexpensive. And I wouldn''t have a bridal party at all - I still wouldn''t even if I had a traditional wedding here at home - that''s something I''d decided a long time ago.

Just a thought on my part - your friend shouldn''t be expected to buy a present in her situation. At least I don''t think so. When she''s spending that much money to show up at a wedding in the Caribbean, plus if she''s throwing a party, I think she should feel that she''s adequately giving of herself enough. And if someone tells her otherwise, she needs to speak up about the costs. I realize it''s eqituette to give presents, but no one should ever be looked down on for not giving one in circumstances like these when she''s already spending so much money. For myself, if I had decided to invite more people than just parents, I certainly wouldn''t expect people to give gifts - that''s insane to expect people to spend that much $.

I agree, BM at the destination wedding shouldn''t be expected to provide any other gifts! I am so glad that my BMs are even coming, a couple of friends that aren''t going to make it to the wedding are hosting my bridal shower and two other friends who are coming to the wedding are hosting the bachelorette, but again, I absolutely consider their attendance to be their present.

ILoveStrawberries, I am so sorry if you thought I was taking a jab at you with the registering for gifts thing, I absolutely DO NOT think that you are fishing for gifts! I was only trying to clarify my own intentions. Funny how we write things and it''s hard for people to read our tone.

Please read mine as very friendly and lighthearted! I think you are already showing that you are very thoughtful simply by being here seeking advice. I am sure you will have a wonderful wedding no matter which route you choose!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 6/16/2009 6:10:32 PM
Author: wannaBMrsH

ILoveStrawberries, I am so sorry if you thought I was taking a jab at you with the registering for gifts thing, I absolutely DO NOT think that you are fishing for gifts! I was only trying to clarify my own intentions. Funny how we write things and it''s hard for people to read our tone.

Please read mine as very friendly and lighthearted! I think you are already showing that you are very thoughtful simply by being here seeking advice. I am sure you will have a wonderful wedding no matter which route you choose!

Aw, I didn''t think that at all! I just wanted to make sure YOU didn''t think I was fishing for gifts.

Hehe, yes it is funny how it''s hard to convey tone.

Thank you for your very sweet words!

 

[katamari]

Hey Strawberries! I was actually the kicking and screaming one. I got so sensitive from reading on here about people perceiving everything people did as requests for gifts, and I really didn''t want to come off like that. But, then, I got to thinking and everyone who knows me would know better (I mean, I study consumption and inequality, so they really know what I think about it). But, it did give me some grief. Especially since my mom, like yours, thought EVERYONE would be invited. Plus, being a sociologist, I just hate how gendered showers are. I hate all the kitchen utensils are for women sentiments and all the awkward jokes about gender inequality that happens at them. (Yeah, being a sociologist sucks the fun out of everyday life sometime. lol).

We are having a photographer at both. Our hacienda in Ecuador is including it as part of our package. So, that is cool. However, since I didn''t really know what Ecuadoran wedding photography is all about, I wanted one at the reception, too. I found someone who is relatively new to wedding photography to shoot the reception and our e-pics, so we were able to not have to pay an exorbitant amount for photography.

At the reception/party, we are having dancing (but I don''t think we are having "the dances") and cake. But, we are having a sheet cake from Costco (and it will be a cake wreck, because that is one of our favorite blogs ever!). Not sure how much dancing will actually happen, though, because it is the night of the OSU/USC football game--which for our guests will be a big deal--so we are broadcasting the game on a projector (so hopefully at least some people will be dancing with me and just peeping the score) and we are also having disc golf baskets set up (FI is a huge disc sports guy), horseshoes, cornhole, Wiis, and other outside games. Not everyone''s bag--for sure--but it works for us. And, we feel it will still have wedding elements, but feel more like a party, which is totally what we wanted. To me, that is the win-win of all this, because we really can do whatever we want (and not just whatever-as-long-as-it-is-still-bridal).

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Thanks so much for the response Katamari!

That is one of my fears about having showers and what not when going this route with a family-only DW. I certainly don''t want to leave a bad taste in people''s mouth whatsoever about my wedding. So I certainly don''t want them thinking I''m holding events just to get gifts, and then I''m just running off to actually get married without them there. But like you said, hopefully my family wouldn''t judge me like that, as I''d hope they know my personality well enough to know I''d never be like that.

Haha you TOTALLY hit on what I was thinking about showers. I mean sure they''re fun and all, but I just have never been crazy about getting together with a bunch of women to watch me sit there and open gifts, especially when it extends out to 3rd cousins and great-aunts I''ve never met and who are estranged from the family. I''d rather just hang out with people I DO know, including males, instead of sit around and make small talk with only the women in our family, and 2/3 of them on the invite list would be ones I''ve never met. I still have to figure out how to convey all this to my mom though. Haha, maybe I should have been a sociologist...

It sounds like you got the best of both worlds for the photography - I''m glad you were able to. I know photographers are expensive, but I saw some recently online I loved, and they happened to have pricing info on their website. I checked that out, haha and I think my jaw dropped when I saw that the prices STARTED at $4,500.

Haha. Going to have to search a little harder for some middle ground. I also don''t know how I''d handle that with having only a celebration back here - I guess try to find someone like you did who''s more starting out and building their portfolio. I wonder if getting a local photographer who travels to shoot both events would be like being charged for two weddings basically... ouch.

I think your party back home sounds like a blast! Hehe I think that cake wreck blog is hilarious - I''ve been on there before too. All the games sound like so much fun. And definitely great because you don''t have to worry about making things necessarily seem as "bridal," like you said. Do you have wording figured out for that invitation for the party?

Do you have plans after the ceremony at your EPP? Like if you''re going out to eat, or somewhere that people dance at? Those are some things I''ve thought about too.