Destination wedding--whom to invite?

[BrightSpot]

Hi all,

Well, my FI & I have been doing lots of research & it looks like we''ve finally decided on a destination wedding (many thanks to those of you who offered your insights on my initial thread about destination weddings).

We''re hoping to run it by my folks the weekend after next & book a date shortly thereafter. (We''re thinking Couples Swept Away in Negril, Jamaica--anyone have any experiences here?)

This is a second wedding for both of us & we don''t want a big, expensive celebration that''s a huge hassle to plan. We''re ok with the idea that the actual wedding might be quite small (immediate family & nearest & dearest friends) & my FI''s parents have offered to throw us a post-wedding party back home for the folks who couldn''t come to the Caribbean. Most of our close friends seem ok with this, though my best friend (and hopefully my maid of honor) has given us some resistance. I understand her concerns (financial constraints & lack of vacation time), but we have offered to help her w/ expenses or even pay her way entirely & she still seems concerned.

Her current thought is as follows:

"I''m still having difficulty with the idea of you inviting everyone you can to the wedding -- you said yourself yesterday that you have specific people in mind that you definitely want there, and everyone else is gravy. If that''s really how you feel, then I don''t understand why you don''t just have a narrow guest list for the destination wedding and have an announcement/save the date for a party later. I know that you don''t want to exclude P''s relatives, [my FI has a very large family & they tend to be insulted if they''re not invited to a family event] but if you limit the actual wedding to your immediate family and your close friends, I think the extended family would understand, ESPECIALLY if there''s a party later, which seems inevitable. "

She then went on to solicit advice from a friend of hers:

"Most people find $500 too expensive - the cost to go across the country and stay a couple of nights. Sometimes it costs more than that. Gifts and fancy clothes not included. People who "can" afford the wedding, I mean those that actually have the money but weren''t intending to blow it all on a few days event, will feel resentful. People who are really rich will think it''s a great idea. And people who actually don''t have that kind of money will not attend, and they will feel guilty and sorry. I think it lends itself to unhappiness, rather than happiness. A wedding for rich people only. I know that most of MY family certainly couldn''t have come, if we''d done that for our wedding."

And my friend continues:

"You know I''m not sharing this to be unkind -- I know you''re really excited (as you should be!) and I just want to make sure you''re considering multiple angles here. I know P''s family can afford the wedding, but what about other relatives? And what of your friends with young children or who are in school who might really want to attend the wedding but can''t b/c of financial constraints? They''ll take one look at the price tag and feel terrible. Don''t you want to avoid this scenario altogether??"

MY FI & I have thought about limiting the guest list & just inviting immediate family & close fiends to the destination wedding, then more people to an announcement/post-wedding party later w/ a larger guest list. It would be difficult to limit the list, though, and who are we to presume who would actually want to/could afford to go to the destination wedding or not? I would feel badly if we didn''t invite someone who would''ve genuinely wanted to come, ya know? But, by the same token, I don''t want to invite people who I don''t think will actually be able to come--I wouldn''t want them to feel badly declining the invite & I certainly wouldn''t want them to feel obligated to give us a gift. (We''re trying to publicize our request for "no gifts" & the only way I''ve read it''s acceptable to do that is via word of mouth and on your wedding webpage.) I guess we figured if people genuinely don''t feel obligated to give us a gift, then what''s the harm in inviting them & giving them the chance to attend if they''d like to do so? It''s tough...we run the risk of hurting people''s feelings by NOT inviting them or, on the other hand, making them feel guilty for not attending or obligated to send a gift if we do.

What do you guys think? I''d love to hear other people''s perspectives on this one. I''m so confused now....

 

[flutterby]

I think that if you give plenty of notice, 6-9 months, this will give people that arent "rich" time to save the money. I have noticed at the destination weddings I have been at more people than expected showed, as it is a perfect excuse for that always postponed vacation. If people make it a priority they will come, if they dont prioritize it, then i doubt they will feel sorry and guilty for not going. You are not forcing people to go, you are inviting those close to you to share in an experience, you should not feel that you are pressuring them to go outside their budgets.

I do understand her concerns, but it is your wedding and you need to do what the two of you really want! I''m sure once it is finalized she will be happy to be a part of it, especially with your financial assitance.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Scintillating]

Date: 9/13/2005 2:10:01 PM
Author:BrightSpot
We're ok with the idea that the actual wedding might be quite small (immediate family & nearest & dearest friends) & my FI's parents have offered to throw us a post-wedding party back home for the folks who couldn't come to the Caribbean.

'If that's really how you feel, then I don't understand why you don't just have a narrow guest list for the destination wedding and have an announcement/save the date for a party later. I know that you don't want to exclude P's relatives, [my FI has a very large family & they tend to be insulted if they're not invited to a family event] but if you limit the actual wedding to your immediate family and your close friends, I think the extended family would understand, ESPECIALLY if there's a party later, which seems inevitable. '

What do you guys think? I'd love to hear other people's perspectives on this one. I'm so confused now....

BrightSpot -
Truly a tough situation!
We're considering a destination wedding also, and will soon find ourselves in the same boat.
I suggest you have conversations with those VERY close and important to you, and see what their thoughts are.

I think those that are really important to you, and really want to be there to see you two wed won't have a problem with the financial situation. I think limiting the guest list to just the immediate family and nearest and dearest is a good idea. This way you'll be able to help those who might need financial help - And those who aren't essential, and might not want to spend the money won't feel guilty that they should have.

I think most people will be be perfectly happy to celebrate with you at the party your FI's parents have offered to throw for you.
This seems like a good solution to me.
These types of weddings are becoming increasingly popular.
Usually the couple sends out a card after they are wed saying such and such were married in a small ceremony on such a day, blah blah blah. - and an invitation to a party like the one you've described.

The only REAL advice I can offer is - You can never make everyone happy! - Especially when we're talking weddings.

Goodluck! Let us know how things go.

Scintillating...

 

[icekid]

BrightSpot- I think it''s a really tough situation, no matter how you look at it. As you know, my FI and I were also thinking about having a destination wedding. But in the end, I''ve decided that I just don''t feel comfortable asking my friends and family to spend that kind of money to attend my wedding. Most of my friends are still broke med students, so in their cases they probably could not come at all!

I think you should invite more or less whomever you would invite to a local wedding, and it''s up to them if they can attend. Perhaps if you can find a way to include something in the invites that says you''re planning a party when you return as well for those who cannot make it? So people would not necessarily feel obligated to go, since they could still celebrate with you at the party.

 

[Tybee]

Hi Brightspot,

First of all, how many people were you planning on inviting? Your friend seems to be indicating that you have a huge list of invitees?

Actually, no, scratch that, first of all--CONGRATULATIONS on making a decision to plan your dream wedding at a resort! Hurray hurray hurray!

Now, back to business. It is sweet of you to consider your friend and her opinions, but when it comes down to it, it''s your wedding and you should be happy. I''m not sure that I agree that your wedding plans will lead to unhappiness, it goes without saying that destination weddings are usually smaller because often people cannot make the trip. That doesn''t mean that you don''t love them, the problem might be similar if you lived in New York, and your best friends lived in San Fransico, some of them might not be able to make the trip because of the expenses. Weddings often carry with them some financial burdons. We are requesting no gifts for our destination wedding, and not really asking people to be bridesmaids or groomsmen, because we don''t want anyone to feel like the HAVE to come. Certainly we will let them know that we understand the difficuties in arranging these things.

Anyhow, people often have to travel to weddings. They pay airfare, they pay for hotels, how nice that when they go to your wedding they can have a vacation too!

How many were you thinking of inviting?

 

[Minny]

Hi Brightspot,

I think having a destination wedding is a fabulous idea!! (We''re having one too)

And I agree with others who say that although your friend is entitled to her opinions, this is your wedding. If you think your fiance''s family will be offended if they are not invited, and you would like them there if possible, then of course INVITE THEM!! My family is the same way, and I have tons of cousins, so we invited them all -- some can make it, some can''t. What I did was put info about both the wedding and the at-home party on the Save-the-dates I sent out, so that people would know ahead of time that there are two events they could potentially attend. Then, on our "wedding website" (simple one through theknot.com), I wrote a little explanation about how "We would be honored to have you share this special day with us, although we understand that it may not be possible...blahblah...We are aware that it may be unrealistic for you to attend our destination wedding. If that is the case, please know that we are continuing the celebration with a party in New York....blah blah blah" This way people wouldn''t think that I expected them to be there.....but that I would be delighted if they could come!

Here''s the deal: if I were invited to a wedding and I could not afford to go, I wouldn''t go! I wouldn''t be mad or think it was presumptuous of the couple to invite me. I would do what I could to attend (if the people were important to me), and that''s that. Does that make sense? Good luck!!!

 

[kittykat]

Brightspot,
I totally understand your dillemna! We decided to have a destination wedding because of finances and family issues (namely that my mom is pretty nuts and selfish and claimed she wouldn''t go if my dad went). We were planning a wedding at home which was what neither of us wanted (we wanted to elope but didn''t becaue everyone seemed to be upset about that). This is why we went the destination route. We initially decided just to invite close friends and immediate family and sent save the date cards 6 months in advance, then thanks to my sister, word got around to my extended family-which is huge that I was having a wedding in Belize and I suddenly was obligated to invite them as opposed to just sending announcements. If you can belive this I just sent my save the date cards with travel info to my relatives today (sent email save the dates 2 weeks ago). Most of my family members say they can''t go but I have already been accused of getting married in Belize because I don''t want them to go. This is not true, but I really feel that if someone wants to go, they will find a way and I''ve made it very clear that we understand if they can''t come. Now I have a wedding in Belize that my dad is going to but not my mom, and a really small ceremony at home that was just supposed to be for immediate family but which now my mom wants to invite her extemded family to (but they are already invited to Belize!) Ugh. It''s such a nightmare! I guess the point of my long story is that you should do what you want to do and invite anyone you want (I am now glad I''m going to invite my whole family because it seems to mean a lot to them). I feel bad about some relatives who want o go but can''t, but you can''t please everyone. The other point illustrated by my story is that your wedding will inevitably become complicated because it seems to be their nature. I also think that both for myself and for you that it will be a womderful day simply because you will be marrying the love of your life! Good luck.

 

[BrightSpot]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful suggestions! My FI & I just picked the resort (Couples Swept Away in Negril, Jamaica) & set the date (April 29, 2006 at 3pm) & told both of our families of our plans. I''m so excited & relieved to be moving forward! YAY!

I have to say that I''m thrilled to already have a large chunk of the planning done!

mrsflutter, I agree with you that our destination wedding might indeed serve as a nice excuse for that always postponed vacation! And we will totally understand if it is beyond the budgets of some of our friends to attend--they can always celebrate with us at home.

Scintillating, per your suggestion, we already talked with our closest friends & our immediate family to make sure they''d be able to be there. I''d be ok if those are the only people who will be able to make it, but the more the merrier! I''m not sure how large our guest list will be at this point, but I imagine we''ll have to invite all of my FI''s aunts & uncles, etc. (How do you limit this without restricting the list to immediate family?) I agree that most people will probably be happy to celebrate our wedding at the post-wedding party back home. We''re planning to send out save-the-dates ASAP so we''ll give our guests at least 6 months'' notice so our guests have plenty of time to plan & save.

icekid, good idea to include information on the at-home party on the wedding invite so our guests don''t feel pressured to attend the actual wedding in Jamaica.

Tybee...hee hee! Thanks for reminding me that this should be, first and foremost, a time to celebrate! We often get so mired in the details that we forget.

We want to request no gifts too & want to keep our attendant list to one each. (just a best man & MOH) That''s true that people often have to travel to weddings. While this one is probably farther away & more expensive than most weddings, it would also offer more of a vacation to those who attend.

Minny, when/where is your destination wedding? How many people did you invite? How many will attend? Your wording about the at-home party, etc. sounds great. I''d love to see your Knot website if you wouldn''t mind sharing. I''m in the process of creating something very similar.

kittykat, good luck with your wedding planning! It''s amazing how quickly these things can depart from the original plan. I''m glad your whole family will have the opportunity be there for you & that you still get to have your fabulous wedding in Belize! You''re absolutely right that these things become complicated because it''s their nature. (and, most importantly, that the day will be special regardless b/c we''re marrying the men we love!)

You guys are definitely right that we can''t make everyone happy with our wedding plans. This is indeed our wedding & we should do it our way, while still trying to be as considerate of others as we can.

Thanks again for the support--I''m just so excited now!

Dreaming of Jamaica, mon...