Detachment from boyfriend because stress of waiting?

[greengirl]

 

[jcrow]

well i doubt this is the same. but- when i felt i was detaching from my BF (not current one) it was because i was unhappy. i think i didn''t want to do the breaking up. i wanted so badly for us to work because he was all i knew (4 years). but it just wasn''t. neither of us were all around happy. sure- sometimes...

so i think i detached myself-- i don''t know, maybe it was because i was hoping he''d break it off and not me? or maybe i started to detach so that he wasn''t all i had. i tried surrounding myself with friends more. which did help some through the break up...

 

[kimberlina13]

Hi, I''m new to the forum...and yours was the first post I came across, and I can totally relate!

Honestly, I don''t think that you''re doing anything to "punish" your bf. I think that the way you''re feeling, in your head, you know logically, now is not the best time, but your emotional side is screaming WTF?! We''ve been together for over 6 years..what''s the hold-up?! after being together for so long, you''re probably feeling like marriage is the next step in your relationship and it won''t progress until you''re engaged. so you''re just probably just subconciously reacting to that feeling of...we can''t move on in our relationship until we get engaged.

 

[ame]

My thoughts on this is that you are more interested in the engagement, the ring and the impending wedding and not so much the relationship and future MARRIAGE. He might feel like that''s all you care about and he''s probably not so eager to go out and buy something to propose just because you want the ring and proposal and engagement as opposed to being happy with just being with him.

 

[elephant]

I understand COMPLETELY how you feel! I''m engaged now, but before my fiance and I were engaged and I was waiting and waiting, I felt like I couldn''t invest anymore in our relationship because I had given so much up until that point (deployments, deaths, long distance, etc.) until he made a step in my direction. Does that make sense? I felt like I had shown him that I was very committed to our relationship and now it was his turn to step up.

I would just be honest with your feelings -- not angry, just hey, heads up, the lack of commitment by you is affecting our relationship.

Have you told him that you would like to be engaged and asked him what his time frame is? I know he says that it is a bad time, but when my FI said that (he was entering bschool) I told him -- there will always be a reason NOT to and then I told him that at some point, after really and truly talking about it and talking about it and talking about it.... I said to him: At some point you have to stop asking questions and saying what if and either make up your mind to do and take that leap of faith or if you decide that this ISNT something you want, then we should break up. It was just that simple. But, you have to be willing to live with the consequences of that.... Although, who wants to be with someone who isn''t excited about you anyway?

 

[nytemist]

Greengirl-

I can understand why you start to feel that way. It''s normal, I think. You have this person in your life, that has been there for X amount of years, things are good, marriage and a future is mentioned and... nothing happens.
My BF and I have been together a little over 4.5 years. Supposed to get engaged before the end of the year. (I know I keep harping on that) There has been some ring talk. But things go hot to cold sometimes. This past weekend we did nothing but get into these ridiculous nit-picky little fights. We had a big blow up a few months ago, but were trying to come back from that. He say that I am the constant, but he is still paranoid about picking up starting a new life in NYC (where I have always wanted to go) He says to wait until I''m almost done with school to really talk further about that.
I''m done with school next month. Now he''s saying ''well, let''s see how things go... hoepfully we''ll be engaged by next spring.''

What???!!??!?!!?!

Now I''m feeling like wow, I have been wasting time or putting too much into his words. I feel very angry that he waits until we get close to a supposed deadline and then the rules seem to change. You can''t help but feel resentful. Inessence, you start to feel lied to.
Everything in me wants to start backing off and giving him so much room he gets lost. I have other things to focus on, like exams and finding a job once I pass my exams and then looking into situation of moving.
I''m not into game playing, but what I''ve noticed with my friends'' relationships- if the GF does something drastic for her own life (move, new job, new circle of friends) the BF gets VERY nervous that she is moving on without him and to shape up. I have plans for my life. I want him with me, but he isn''t as deeply into this as I am I have to deal.
There is nothing wrong with feeling like you have to protect yourself. It''s sef-preservation. You have put your heart and soul into your relationship but you aren''t feeling like you are getting the same in return. My suggestion is to calmly, rationally get your point across about how you are feeling before you start to feel even more resentful, or even angry.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 9/16/2005 5:10:37 PM
Author:greengirl
Hi everyone, it''s Greengirl again.

I thought I''d start a new post since I write such long ones and my last topic is very long to read....so I will try to keep this short.

I am having a strange feeling lately and I was wondering if it''s how other ''ladies in waiting feel.'' I have been together with my boyfriend for 6.5 years and I''m feeling the engagement bug. I know that I am ready to get married, and he is too. So the next step should be engagement right?

Well even after reminding myself all the rational, logical, good reasons why we aren''t engaged yet (we live across the country from each other, he''s just starting his first job, we don''t have any money at the moment since we''ve been students for the past 8 years)......I still am finding myself irratonally resentful at him that we''re not engaged. And when we talk on the phone lately, I feel myself being distant and not wanting to be totally open and supportive and loving of him.

It must be a silly girl thing, but I feel like I''m trying to unconsciously detach myself from him because I''m feeling sad/anxious/impatient about getting engaged, and so I''m either trying to 1) punish him in some way by not being my normal, loving self or 2) protect myself because irrationally I feel like since we''re not engaged yet that means he doesn''t care about me as deeply as I care about him.

Anyone else feel like this?

Of course this is natural...studies done on this have shown that the typical woman invests more of hersdelf emotionally than the average guy does...sorry guys, but its true. We ladies are natural nesters and anticipate the next phase of our relationships to take shape and when they get stalled, delayed, or whatever, we internally freak.

This could also be a wake up call for you...take this time to re-evaluate you, your needs and wants, your future plans, etc...Maybe focusing on you and being proactive on what makes YOU progress with school, work, friends, will help. Get involved in a new activity--a class, the gym, a hobby--and soon you will get a different type of fulfllment and he MIGHT become aware and do some re-analyzing of his own.

I say MIGHT...because it MIGHT not happen just that way and he MIGHT not "get" it. I have my own guy and he needs to have things really REALLY obvious to him...and he STILL is out of the loop on 7 out of 10 times. Your schedule, your urging on this matter, your feelings on this need to be carefully expressed or he will freeze out on you emotionaly, or pull away more, or worse case scenario, say he feels pressured and will walk away from what he perceives to be a trap.

Before the guy I am with now, I did something similar. I felt it was time to evolve...unfortunately for me, he didn''t and "took to the hills" to escape me and my "need" to progress. It all worked out for me this time...

Consider what everyone has said...weigh it out...most importantly, be slow to act and quick to realize that you were wise enough to ask others for their advice to think about...hope these comments help to some degree...good luck!

 

[elephant]

I second what Deanne said -- definitely take this time to evaluate what you want in the future and for yourself, etc. And most definitely treat yourself well during this time -- do nice things for yourself, even if it's only taking a bubble bath a couple times a week. Find something that makes you happy that isn't related to engagement or wedding stuff! I liked to work out and read.

My bottom line with my bf was: This is what I want for my future (and laid it out for him -- marriage, family, etc.) and if you can't provide that even in the future, then I need to move on. And I was really nice about it, but I needed him to know what I wanted out of life and give him a chance to be a part of that. But, take this time to really figure out what is important to you. While typically, having a long distance relationship is difficult -- TRUST ME I KNOW, sigh, this could be a fantastic opportunity for you to really take advantage of the space you have?

Good luck!

 

[Jelly]

Would it be terrible if you just asked him yourself? Instead of living with the frustration of waiting....just gather up the strength and PROPOSE! If he says no....at least you will know and won''t be sitting there waiting for another 6.5 years.

Just a suggestion.

You only live once!!

Stephanie

 

[Erin]

I''d be careful with this one. It is self-preservation and I screwed up.

I had this hidden resentment for him not making up his mind so I retracted. The sex and/or long kisses were less and less and less. I started to seem unhappy. I wasn''t as willing to iron his shirts before he asked or do a load of laundry for him just to help. I stopped making cute little dinners and would just say I already ate.

These are not specific things I planned to do to be malicious - it''s just the evolution that happened after I gave in to my new behavior of being distant.

I didn''t do this to punish him. I did it out of self-preservation in case I was the fool who thought all would turn out the ''right'' way and I''d been wrong all this time.

You know what the result has been. He is less into proposing to me right now that probably before - though before was never enough to actually do it. I don''t seem into our relationship. I don''t appear to be appealing and loving. Who would want to propose to someone who isn''t ''dialed in.''

It''s taken a while to repair and we''re still not there yet and we''re still not engaged (4 years) but I just thought I''d share to show you why it''s okay to feel this way but there are consequences to acting on them.

 

[cinnabar]

I was in this exact situation 20 years ago.

I had a boyfriend I thought was The One. We''d been dating five years and were living together. All our friends were getting married and I wanted the same. My boyfriend wasn''t really into the idea of marriage; obviously he had everything he needed from the relationship just living together. Eventually I wore him down we were married. It was a disaster from day one, he didn''t lift a finger in the house and was horribly selfish with money; it was like he was punishing me for forcing him into marriage. I knew I couldn''t live like that forever so I divorced him. We were only married for four years (including two living apart).

My next relationship was with a great guy. We were together for nine years, but I was unlucky to get another commitmentphobe. Another one who thought living together was great and marriage was unnecessary. I was loathe to push it a second time; I was determined that this time the proposal came from the heart or not at all. After nine years of waiting, and no sign of moving to the next stage, I did the "going cold" thing, no affection, bare minimum ironing etc. My boyfriend was offered a promotion, but had to move 200 miles away. It was a perfect opportunity for us to split up so we did. It was amicable, and we''re still friends. I think he realised afterwards that girls don''t wait forever, and is now married to the girl he dated after we split.

After a year of being single, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man who had none of the fears of marriage I was beginning to think all men must have. We dated for two years, had a three month engagement and a Christmas wedding in 2003. I didn''t have to hint or threaten or cry, finally. I found a man who actually wanted to marry me.

With divorce figures so high, I wonder how many marriages fail because the men never really wanted to get married in the first place?

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/20/2005 1:15:03 PM
Author: cinnabar

After a year of being single, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man who had none of the fears of marriage I was beginning to think all men must have. We dated for two years, had a three month engagement and a Christmas wedding in 2003. I didn''t have to hint or threaten or cry, finally. I found a man who actually wanted to marry me.

With divorce figures so high, I wonder how many marriages fail because the men never really wanted to get married in the first place?

This is what is really boils down to, isn''t it?

Well said.

If a man wants to marry you, he *will* ask. If he doesn''t, he won''t. Every relationship reaches a point where you know enough about each other to make a decision, and if he won''t make that decision, that''s pretty telling.

I firmly believe there is more than one right person out there for everyone. The key is finding one of them at the right time for both of you.

 

[decodelighted]

This is a little off-topic ... but kinda related. Are a lot of people out there doing IRONING for their fellas? This suprised me so much. I don''t even iron for MYSELF. It really struck me that it''s an example of "catering to" a man, that could increase his feeling of "entitlement" over a live-in g-friend & be perfectly happy with the status quo. NOT that I''d be ironing even with a 5ct rock on my hand, but that''s just me.

Did anyone else find the ironing so suprising?

 

[cinnabar]

Date: 9/20/2005 1:39:15 PM
Author: decodelighted
This is a little off-topic ... but kinda related. Are a lot of people out there doing IRONING for their fellas? This suprised me so much. I don''t even iron for MYSELF. It really struck me that it''s an example of ''catering to'' a man, that could increase his feeling of ''entitlement'' over a live-in g-friend & be perfectly happy with the status quo. NOT that I''d be ironing even with a 5ct rock on my hand, but that''s just me.


Did anyone else find the ironing so suprising?

I''ve always shared household tasks. I don''t mind ironing but I absolutely loathe mowing grass; I am a better cook than my husband but I''m a terrible car mechanic. I pay the household bills (from a joint account) and he puts the garbage out. My husband does more washing up than I do, and will happily pick up groceries on his way home from work.

I don''t consider "doing the ironing" to be a statement that I am a doormat. Where a woman starts to be taken for granted as a household slave is when she does EVERYTHING.

 

[AsscherGirl]

Date: 9/20/2005 1:39:15 PM
Author: decodelighted
This is a little off-topic ... but kinda related. Are a lot of people out there doing IRONING for their fellas? This suprised me so much. I don''t even iron for MYSELF. It really struck me that it''s an example of ''catering to'' a man, that could increase his feeling of ''entitlement'' over a live-in g-friend & be perfectly happy with the status quo. NOT that I''d be ironing even with a 5ct rock on my hand, but that''s just me.

Did anyone else find the ironing so suprising?

I found the ironing surprising also. My mom used to iron for my dad (now they just send it to the dry cleaner - haha), but I figured that was just because they had a very traditional relationship from the beginning. Didn''t live together before marriage, mom didn''t work while my brother & I were young, Dad has never cooked dinner for the family, Mom does all the household "chores" even with a full-time job, etc.

I also don''t iron for myself, but I seriously doubt that my boyfriend would even ask me to iron his clothes for him on a regular basis. And he definitely knows I wouldn''t just start doing it - considering how much I talk about how much I dislike ironing! I guess my point is that these men should be more self-sufficient!

 

[decodelighted]

I don''t consider ''doing the ironing'' to be a statement that I am a doormat. Where a woman starts to be taken for granted as a household slave is when she does EVERYTHING.

I didn''t mean to imply the "iron-or" is a doormat. I may be a little out of touch, as both mine and my sweetie''s jobs involve pretty casual attire. We''re also both slaves to the drycleaner as neither of us is iron-friendly. I guess if sharp, pressed clothes were a daily requirement & finances did not allow the luxury of drycleaning -- one of us would have to give in.

I guess I just think that in certain circumstances being "over nurturing" or too eager to please can backfire on a Lady In Waiting. (As opposed to - say- the shared responsiblities & good negotiation you describe in your personal relationship) IMHO -- If a guy loses respect for you, he''s probably not going to want to marry you. And, also IMHO, no one should want to marry someone who doesn''t respect & appreciate them anyway.

 

[Erin]

We are also at the mercy of the drycleaner. However, when he buys a new shirt, or has hanger marks in the shoulders, or wears a pair of pants twice without drycleaning and wants to straighten them up a bit, I have no problem ironing for him.

For the most part he irons all his own clothes. I just happened to be quicker and more efficient at it. I like doing little things like that for him. He''s ironed clothes for me before while I''m in the shower and running late.

I didn''t mean to cause a debate about being a catering girlfriend by citing ironing. It''s just one of those things I enjoy doing for him because I''m faster and better at it. I only do it because I want to and if he asks me to I know I probably ''owe'' him a few favors anyway - he takes care of things so I don''t have to, too.

But when uncertainty or resentment is present, ironing becomes something I''ll do if he asks me, but I no longer do it ahead of time because I get a kick out of doing little things for him.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Please oh please don''t let your anxiousness about an engagement get in the way of a good relationship!

Although it''s very natural for you to act and feel this way, there may be other reasons why he hasn''t taken the plunge into fiance-hood. You''ve mentioned very good reasons yourself:

Some people just don''t have the financial means and are waiting until they can afford a beautiful ring for the one they love. And although you don''t see it, starting a first job may bring the engagement one step closer because a lot of people like to have stable lives before making such an important decision. A lot of men want to make sure they are able to support their honey rather than put them through financial hardships. I read that the majority of divorces are over money.

Or maybe he''s waiting until you can be closer to each other before you start a life together rather than put you through a super long engagement (which can also bring up feelings that he asked you to marry him to stall or to keep you in the relationship even though he has no plans of marrying you. I''ve been there. 4 years engaged and I got tired of waiting. Turns out he wasn''t ready to marry me, even 4 years later! I don''t think he intended to to begin with. You may not see why because you don''t know the whole story, but I ended up figuring out the truth. That''s a whole ''nother long thread that I''m sure no one wants to read. We broke up when I finally figured it out.).

There may a butt-load of reasons why he hasn''t done it yet. Just don''t get depressed over it. Enjoy the fact that you are with him and that he loves you. Make the most out of your relationship and realize that marriage is a big decision and not a requirement for someone to show that they love you (IMO). After all, at the risk of sounding like a Heinz ketchup commercial

: good things come to those who wait. I''m living-proof. Hope this helps!