Devastated and Hurt, what more??

[bluebubbles]

Hi Everyone, I have been on this site more than a few times. Doing research on erings on behalf of my BF. I know...kinda takes the surprise element out of it, but I know there still can be elements of surprise. This might be a long post, but I just needed to find a place to vent out my frustrations, hurt, sadness, and disappointment. I''ve been reading through a lot of posts, just getting support from all the other LIW. I feel like this forum is a good support group as a reader. I share my feelings with some of my girlfriends, but some of them don''t understand or they just say that I need to remove myself from the situation. But it''s hard when you are so madly in love with your BF and it''s just hard to up and leave. I think the girls here would understand me more vs. my girlfriends.

Anyway, here''s my story as to why I feel frustrated and hurt,...I''m in my early 30''s and he''s in his late 30''s. We call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and recognize that we love each other, maybe me more than him. Trying to get to the next stage in the relationship is kinda tough. I''m sure you all know who has the tougher time, him obviously. We''ve been together for for a little over a little over a year. I feel some unspoken pressure from family, friends, and most of all myself, not that much, but enough that it frustrates me. I am a very relaxed, patience, and understanding person. I''m a great GF to my BF, my family likes him and his family likes me. I make him one of my priorities and most of all, my love for him is constant. I don''t pressure him, but sometimes I would like to discuss where our relationship is headed. Normally I don''t bring the subject up and ALWAYS wait till he brings it up. On occassions, he''ll ask me if I want to marry him and I say of course I do. I ask, don''t you want to marry me? He''ll look at me and nod his head and murmur, yes.

Well, a few months ago, he says that I should go look at some rings. I was a little surprised and ask if I go by myself. He said that we''ll go look together. That only happened once. A few weeks later I shared with him that I have been looking online and found this perfect diamond. I wanted to see if he was favorable in having them send it to us for inspection. I found a reasonably priced one. He said...let''s talk about it tomorrow. Then he kept postponing the talk. Until I said we need to make a decision or the etailer will cancel my pending order. Since there was no commitment in the purchase except for the return shipping charge, we went ahead and had it shipped to us. Once I got it, we looked at it and I fell in love with it. He liked it too. We had the 10 days to see if we wanted to keep it. So, we waited till the last minute to make a decision. During those 10 days I never pressured him. I just said this was a good deal and we can keep it until you''re ready. Anyway...he called me late one night, a few days before we had to make a decision and says that he is NOT READY TO PROPOSE. BAM!!! I was devastated and hurt. The thought of how I could be so stupid and what an idiot I was kept spinning in my head. He got my hopes up and shot it right down. I just couldn''t understand why he would always ask if I love him, if I want to marry him, if I will change after we''re married, always needing reassurance. He knows that he needs to step up to the plate and back up what he says. Anyway...that devastation period has passed. I''m still waiting because I truly love him and want to be with him even though I recently found out that his ex is still contacting him and maybe vice versa. I told him that I love him very much, and he wants our relationship to work, he needs to cut off contact. When he asked me to cut all contacts with my ex, I did. *sigh* My friends tells me not to be stuck...STUCK ON STUPID!!!

I never thought this would happen to me. My mind is always thinking about getting married, how wonderful it would be to start the next chapter of my life with someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess once guys get older, they may never want to get married. But, he always tells me that he wants to get married. Just the other weekend he said, I want you to be my wife. I just don''t get it. I''m so confused....

Maybe I was too easy of a catch. I''ve been searching and reading articles that if girls want to keep a man, they need to play mind games and such. But, I don''t want to do that, I want to be true. And my BF said his ex use to play mind games and he hated that. Therefore, I don''t do that kind of things. Well, as I''ve read the advice from others...I should keep in internal timeline. Once that passes...I need to move on. It is for my own sanity. He is SO aware that I would do anything for him. He might feel so comfortable that he takes advantage of that. Anyway,...I could go on and on. I just don''t want to waste my time anymore. Dating is so not fun. I want to settle down and grow old with my best friend.

Another thing...I agree with someone else who posted and said that their BF will say things to reassure them, but don''t take any action. I''m in that boat too. Maybe they say enough to keep the girl happy, but don''t plan to deliver. Anyway....thanks for allowing me to post my sadness and frustration. I just go about each day as if nothing bothers me. I keep it all inside. No one to share my sadness with because I''m sure friends only want to hear so much of your sorry stories. I don''t have any more tears to shed because I''m all cried out....

I wish all the girls out there much luck in their relationship. I''ve given up hope that I will be engaged by the end of year even though my BF said he wants to get married this year. Therefore, I''m redirecting my focus on work and trying to go to Graduate school. Invest in a guaranteed degree, MBA vs. a non guaranteed degree, MRS.

Blue Bubbles

P.S. here''s my tag line....

- Getting an MBA is easier than getting an MRS. -

 

[NewEnglandLady]

So sorry you''re going through this, I know it''s hurtful and frustrating and about a million other things.

First, I think it is good that he was open with you about not being ready. I know it''s hard to hear, but it''s not uncommon for men to feel intimidated in the thicke of ring hunting. Maybe the pressure of having the stone in the house and having to make a decision about keeping it (and thus proposing) was too much. I completely understand that you are both in your thirties and you don''t want to date for years and years, but you''ve only been together a little over a year and maybe he feels like it''s going a bit fast. What is reassuring is that he did ask you to look at rings--it does seem like marriage is something that he is seriously considering. It''s very possible that he''s easing into this and having the stone in front of him and having to make a decision about marriage based on when the stone needed to be returned or bought was too much.

Second, it seems like it''s not just the marriage issue in play here. It sounds like you might be concerned about him respecting your boundaries regarding contact with the ex. I''m assuming that she is reaching out to him and he''s responding though you''ve asked him not to? Was this a one-time occurance and now it''s cleared up or is he continuing to contact you despite you asking him to stop? If the former, then it sounds like it should be resolved. If the latter, then I think the issue around respect is much more important than the marriage issue.

And finally, if any book, article, TV program, friend, etc. tells you to play mind games with him, put it down, shut it off and ignore it--that''s the WORST thing you could ever do in a relationship. NEVER EVER try to manipulate a man into marrying you, it''s immature, unwise and exactly the opposite of what a good marriage should be. What you can do is start focusing more on yourself. Do something that you will enjoy and that will take the focus away from getting engaged and will make you feel better about yourself--volunteer (I volunteered at the local animal shelter), take a dance class, sign up for a cooking class, etc. I think you''ll be surprised at how much you enjoy it!

Also, when you feel ready, talk with him openly about what happened. He said he wasn''t ready and he was being honest, but does he know if that feeling is indefinite? Or maybe he just overwhelmed and needs a few more months? These are only things he knows, but if you talk with him at least you can get a feeling for where he stands.

 

[mthebee]

Wow, I could have written your post myself. I empathize with your situation because I am in almost the exact same situation. Hang in there. I''m hoping the best for you and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised much sooner than later!!

 

[bluebubbles]

Thank you for your replies. I am considerate that he might be overwhelmed. He has said before that he feels some pressure from his family, friends, my family through me, etc. And the more pressure he gets, the less he wants to get married. I told him that just because we have the ring doesn''t mean he has to propose right away. But, anyway...I guess it was good that we went through the whole ring ordeal or else I wouldn''t have found out how he truly felt. Love it paitent so that is what I am trying to exercise. Although, I''m only human that I go through some hiccups of anger and frustration about the whole thing.

You are correct NewEnglandLady that manipulation and mind games are not the answer. I don''t intend to do any of those things, but just thought it was interesting how some ladies would use it to their advantage.

About the whole ex thing. I don''t communicate with my ex, but my BF does communicate with his. I recently have expressed that I prefer they not communicate, but he says that she''s the one who contacts him. I''m not so sure about that, but I''m not going to assume things unless I have concrete evidence. I just know that he said she wants him back because he is the best thing out there. He said that she still loves him. I''ll add that he did propose to her once, but was rejected because I think he waited too long to propose to her then and she was testing the waters with another prospect.

Anyway...I try not to think about the whole engagement / marriage thing because I don''t want to get disappointed. It''s gonna be hard not to fall in the same boat as other LIW, to think that a proposal could be any day becasue the holidays are coming. Well,...I''m surprised that there are so many other girls out there that feel what I''m going through, but I really never wish this upon any girl. It''s the worst feeling ever.

 

[monarch64]

On the whole mind game thing...mind games are definitely not the way to go, HOWEVER, I am a firm believer in being straightforward with your partner (he''s been straightforward in telling you he''s not ready to propose), so imo you need to stop holding everything in for his sake and tell him that you are ready to get engaged and set a timeline. Some would call this an ultimatum, some would say it''s a mind game, I say it''s your right as a human being to tell your partner what your basic needs are (and basic needs to me mean what will make you happy in this very short life.)

I moved to a completely different city to be with my now DH after 4-5 months of LD dating...we then moved in together, and it was with the intention that we would soon be engaged and marriage would follow. 6 months after we moved in together, he kept saying he wanted to marry me and my feelings were reciprocal, but there was no ring, no proposal, etc. Finally after many casual and a few in depth discussions on marriage, I decided it was time to get serious or move on, and I explained that to him without holding back. I told him that I was ready to marry him, but if he wasn''t on board with that idea that in 3 months when our lease expired I would be moving back to the city I was living in before I met him. Lo and behold, there was a ring on my finger in less than 6 weeks. We''ve been happily married for 4+ years now. Maybe it was an ultimatum, maybe it was very matter-of-fact and not as romantic as some might wish for, but for me AND him, things just worked out that way. It sounds sort of cold even when I''m typing this, but believe me we have a very fun, warm, and loving relationship for the most part. It just took some decisiveness on my part, and I was prepared to walk away instead of dragging things out indefinitely.

Sounds like you have a plan no matter what, I think that getting your MBA certainly takes precedence over getting your MRS and I love you tag line! Best wishes to you...

 

[bee*]

I agree with Monarch-I would tell him how you feel, straight out and see what his reaction is. From reading your post, what I feel is that he does want to marry you but as he said really isn''t ready yet. The fact that he brings it up with you is reassuring. If you guys had been going out three/four years plus, I would probably say maybe think about walking away, however it''s been only a little over a year, so he is still probably trying to get his head around things himself. I think that it''s good that he told you honestly that he wasn''t ready. My own bf told me the same over a year ago and when he proposed two weeks ago he was completely ready and it''s like having a different man! Seriously, he''s so chuffed and happy with himself. I would have a talk with him, see what he has to say, tell him what you''re thinking of when you''d like to get engaged etc but after seeing the complete change in my fi, I would advise you to give him a bit more time until he''s ready. One thing also, the whole him not allowing you to see your ex, I think you should be able to see and do what you want. Don''t let him dictate things like that, especially so soon in the relationship. You should both have respect for each others friends/ex''s etc and he should trust you enough to know that you''re not going to go off with them so I would bring that up in your talk with him too.

 

[Independent Gal]

You could be talking EXACTLY about another woman I know. She was dating this guy who was around 40. He knew she was looking to settle down. She was also in her early 30''s, and at that age, as we all know, you can''t just sit around indefinitely if you want the best chance of healthy kids and a healthy pregnancy. At some point, she told me he''d asked her to start looking at riings and pick something, even looked with her. She kept initiating these serious conversations about the future, which he participated in. He had a string of previous girlfriends her age. He''d date them for a year. Or two, they''d get anxious about marriage. They''d break up.

So, she told me, and her parents and other friends ''This is it... we''re getting engaged soon!''

And then Dude freaked out and said he wasn''t ready that he wasn''t sure he wanted marriage etc. She was totally humiliated that he would mislead her and so embarassed and angry. (You are DEFINITELY entitled to feel that way. For heck''s sake, he ordered the diamond even though he knew he wasn''t ready! Talk about misleading.)

Anyway, my informal survey of women in their early thirties dating men around 40 is that by 40, if they haven''t ever married, if they''ve dragged their feet on getting married with several girls, then it''s POSSIBLE they just haven''t found the right girl, but it''s PROBABLE that they just don''t want to get married, and only toy with it because it''s the only way to get women who aren''t 22 to date them.

Of course, I don''t know you''re guy. But just from what I''ve seen from my dating friends and their adventures, you want to seriously find out what this guy''s deal is, and on the sooner side. Don''t hang around for another year (especially if you want kids and your clock is ticking). At his age, a year or 18 months can certainly be enough time for him to know what he wants. I could see it possibly NOT being, but if he has a track record of stringing girls along, I just don''t know whether it''s worth the risk IF you want kids (and hence IF time is an issue).

So sorry you''re dealing with this! it IS devastating. And you''re entitled to be angry and hurt.

Follow Monarch''s advice and talk to him straight out. She''s a smart lady (and a happily married one to boot!).

 

[Pandora II]

I''m about the same age as you and have been in your exact situation - but not with my FI (who wasn''t one of those men who can''t wait to drop on one knee either believe me!)

I am seeing a lot of red flags in your post. I too have desperately read the books and the articles looking for the magic thing to do to make them feel the way I did.

Guess what - a relationship shouldn''t be hard, it should feel comfortable for both parties and I''m not seeing this here. Yu haven''t been together that long though. I had been living with my FI for 2.5 years before he proposed last xmas (I was 34 and he was 32).

The ex situation is a bit worrying too, unless he is 100% open about it. I''m still in touch with one of my exes (who I was never in love with) and FI and I have even been to stay at his house on holiday. But any hiding of contact is a bad sign.

If I were you I would have THE talk. You need to tell him that you need to know where the relationship is going by x date or else you will have to move on with your life.

If nothing has happened by x date - you have to leave. He will have given you all the answer you need and there is no point in staying, you will only make yourself miserable and unhappy.

 

[janinegirly]

hi there, you''ve got some great advice here (so i''ll try not to rehash) but i can sympathise with you b/c i am in the same age group and also had a bf who was slow to action!

but there are some differences and red flags (meaning things to think about, not necessarily anything scary). first of all you say the 2 of you have been together for little over a year, that''s not very long! I think the fact that he mentions rings, marriage, you being his wife are all very good signs, some of us didn''t even have that, so just imagine! second of all, i think we should give him credit for being honest. yes he let you move things forward (it sounds like you took the inititive more on finding a ring, sending it etc), but he also had to be honest in that he wasn''t ready. Better that he do that then let things go further and then get cold feet! he''s pausing things so he can be sure rather than get caught up in a snowball effect.
So those points are painful, but not bad things!

on the other hand i agree with you that he shouldn''t be keeping contact up with the ex. that would bother me bigtime.
a few questions: are your ex''s ex-spouses or just ex-gf/bf''s? did he live with her, how serious was it?

and also, i sense a tone of insecurity in your post..(completely ok by the way to feel that way), like this is taking a toll on your self esteem. do you know why it is you want to marry him so badly, is it because the clock is ticking or something else? i only ask b/c sometimes when we articulate that out loud it can help get to the bottom of things. i think being so sure after just a year (while he is not) justifies both of you asking thats question of yourselves. maybe then you can find out why you''re not on the same page (just yet). I also agree with earlier poster that a guy who''s unmarried in late 30''s/40''s may mean he has issues with the idea of marriage, so it''s something to explore.

hang in there, you are not alone!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I know I already posted, but something you mentioned made me perk up my ears. He did propose to the last girlfriend, but dragged his feet with that, too? I agree with IG that those men who choose to be single in their late thirties/early forties may have some commitment issues. He''s obviously capable of proposing, but I wonder if his heart was in it at all?

I know it sounds cliche, but if a man wants to get married, nothing will stop him. When I was in limbo and my boyfriend had cold feet, ANYTHING was a reason not to propose. We''d been arguing, things were tense, it was too cold (okay, I never heard that one, but you get the idea) and I knew they were just excuses.

After I moved out and he decided he was absolutely ready for marriage, he had to jump through some serious hoops to make it happen. He wrote the check for the ring without blinking an eye, he booked a vacation not knowing if I even wanted to marry him at that point, he even had to figure out a way to contact me since I hadn''t spoken with him in two months. The bottom line is that he wanted to get married and nothing was going to stop him from proposing, even if I turned him down. I even asked him what he would have done if he couldn''t get ahold of me and he said he had a plan to drive the 25 hours from Boston to Kansas City if he couldn''t get ahold of me within 3 days.

It sounds like this might take some time for him--he''s on the fence and I know it''s no fun walking on egg shells. I sometimes say that men have to "walk through the fire" before they decide to propose and NOTHING you do can speed up that process. I wish you the best! I hope you''re able to talk with him and that you guys can come up with a plan for the future of your relationship together!

 

[mimzy]

hi, and welcome

i know how you feel about feeling a little mislead. my boyfriend always tells me that he wants to marry me and would look at rings with me, tell me it would be just as soon as he got a job, then it was just as soon as he saved up the money, just as soon as he found the "perfect" stone, which seem reasonable on the surface, but all those things came to pass and we''re still not engaged. after a lot of frustration i beat (i use the term loosely) it out of him that he just isn''t 100% ready. he knows he wants to get married, and sooner than later, but he is the type of person that it really takes a lot of effort on his part to do something other than the status quo. i know that he is trying to psych himself up to take the next step, and it won''t happen any faster regardless of what i do. NewEnglandLady used the term "have to walk through the fire" and that is exactly it! unless he has told a string of other girlfriends that he wanted to marry them and called in stones with them only to bail, i would put money on that is what this guy is trying to do. and i know that with age the timeframe before engagement shortens, but this guy might be a special case. how long was he with his ex? maybe he was with her for a long time and backed out at the last minute, and a year and some change to him might be really fast, regardless of how he feels.

I would talk to him to find out where he is at before you give him a timeline. it might be unlikely, but i would hate for your internal timeline to run out mere weeks before he is ready and he either a)still doesn''t propose or b)proposes and resents it. i''m not saying you shouldn''t have a timeline, i just think you should talk to him and really find out where he is at before you set it. and make sure it isn''t an arbitrary date- really think about how long you can wait. good luck!

 

[bluebubbles]

Thank you Gals so Much!!! Coming here to read other''s posts and to receive feedback for my own is so healing and comforting. Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I agree with Independent Gal, even though we''ve been dating a little over a year, I think at our age, we should already know if the person we''re dating is the one we want to be with. Only because we''re much older, mature, and wiser. I know that girls tend to want to jump into the marriage thing sooner than guys. But, what just irks me is the whole talk on his side and not executing. I don''t mean like super fast execution, but at least movement towards that direction. Moving at snail speed is better than movine at rock speed. I will take Monarch and everyone''s advice and have a talk with him. I''m think of after the holidays because new year would equal new start. I''ll come and post updates as the months progress.

To answer Janinegirly''s question. My BF''s ex is an ex-GF. I don''t believe they lived together, but they were together for 8 years. Like some couples who don''t work out, it was because of external factors, family not accepting her. So, that kind of kept him at bay from marrying her and continued the search, but kept her on the side. Back and forth dating. Finally when he said, "forget this" and went ahead and propose, I think it was because he had some competition and felt threatened. I think its all that mind games, manipulation type thing from that girl. Also, I want to marry him because of my love for him coupled with our age and time waster. I mean, both he and I do want to have kids. But, at this rate, if we get married soon and have kids right away, when our kids are 10, he''ll be 52 and I''ll be 34. I know he''ll help with the kids, but I take after my mom in keeping house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, taking care of my husband, and holding a professional career. I also think this dating think is such a time waster. We need to plan our schedule by telephone, email, or when we see each other. We need to logistically plan what do to, where to meet, when to meet. I still live at home and on occassions will stay over at his place. So, I have asked myself why I want to get married. I think I just want commitment and knowing that all my love, time, and effort is going towards someone who will be there from now until eternity. I don''t want to sound selfish, but I also want to be at a healthy age to have kids...

You know...I read somewhere that guys normally do want to get married, but just not yet. They can and will drag it out for as long as they can. Also, girls want to get married because they picture a whole new start and happy life together, but guys view it as the end of their life. haha. funny huh? But, I have a friend who shared with me that her husband told her, "I regret not getting married sooner". They are around 33/32. So, you see,...I think guys are dumb. They are so afraid that they don''t realize that there are a lot of benefits in a marriage.

Check out this site... www.hiscoldfeet.com

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree, Blue, that men feel that it''s the "end" and not the beginning. And that most men who dragged their feet regret not doing it soon. I know that within the first two days of marriage, Dan said "I can''t believe this is what I was afraid of for so long, this is great."

Hiscolfeet is a great site, by the way. The forum was extremely helpful for me when I left. Though most of the girls who helped me have since left the forum, I still talk with them via email often. The girls on the forum are great.

 

[MoonWater]

Ok, I will obviously be speaking from a bias, but I can''t imagine being that gunho about marriage after only a year. I honestly can not blame the guy for going into a panic. I think we can believe we would like to spend our life with a person after a short period, but I think more time helps solidify that feeling. Perhaps he needs more time, marriage is a very big step in life. It''s unfortunate that biology has not caught up with the fact that so many women get married later in life because we all have that pressure on us once we reach our 30s.

In regards to mind games, I''m not sure where that info is coming from, I have never read such nonsense. I never do that with my bf and he has never done that with me. We both feel like it''s a complete waste of time.

Also regarding his ex, is there a reason you have a problem with her? How long were they together? My bf was with his ex for 7 years, she knows his family so I would never ask him to stop speaking to her, they are friends. I put myself in her place, think about the amount of time spent with him and ask myself if I would wanted to be discarded simply because I was an ex. Obviously there are certain restrictions and a respect for the new relationship, but I don''t see why they can''t be friends unless she or he can not be trusted.

 

[bluebubbles]

Thanks NewEnglandLady. I know, this forum is a great support group. All the girls here are supportive and nice to offer their advice and experiences. I feel more calm and better about things after visiting these forums and reading the posts. I am more willing to just shut up and be patient and set an internal timeline. I was curious, what do you mean when you said "the forum was extremely helpful for me when I left". When you left because you got engaged or when you left your previous BF because of pre-engagement limbo to find your husband Dan?

 

[aljdewey]

Ok, I''m confused.......

Opening post:

Date: 10/18/2007 8:14:33 PM
Author:bluebubbles

I''m in my early 30''s and he''s in his late 30''s.

Subsequent post:

Date: 10/19/2007 12:36:11 PM
Author:bluebubbles

But, at this rate, if we get married soon and have kids right away, when our kids are 10, he''ll be 52 and I''ll be 34.

So then he''s in late thirties right now, and you''re in early 20s?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

The forum was very helpful when I left Dan--I left him and moved to Kansas City right before Thanksgiving last year and did no contact (though he did show up on my doorstep a couple of times). He didn''t want to propose as a knee-jerk reaction to my leaving, so he decided to seek therapy to get to the root of his issues. In January he decided he was 110% ready for marriage and booked a trip to Paris. He then called me from an unknown number and asked me if I would go on the trip with him given I would still have his hand. I gave myself two days to think about it, then spoke with him numerous times to make sure he was absolutely ready--he was, we took the trip and were engaged Feb. 2nd and married a little less than a month ago. Not once throughout the entire engagement did he ever have any sign of cold feet and now that we''re married, he has no clue what he was so afraid of.

I knew I would need a network of support when I left because it''s extremely difficult to leave a relationship (especially when you are the one who wants marriage), so the forum was extremely helpful AND i purposely moved to KC because that is where I grew up and my family was there. Each relationship is different, in fact, had I been more patient I do think we would have gotten engaged, but the point is that I was really, really unhappy and when it got to that point, I knew something had to happen. Furthermore, I knew I had to make things happen for myself.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

what are hus friends like? Are they married or they single? That might have a position on it. Just a thought.

Some men need more time than others. Are his parents still married or they remarried?

I think that some part of him is afraid from what other people have made marriage out to be..losing bachelorhood and so on... but I think first and formost you have to search within yourself to find out what you really want out of life. The only way to come to terms with why you are so eager to get married/engaged....also you still live with your parents and you are 34? That could also be a factor, unless you are taking care of an elderly parent/grandparent....he may not see you as independent.

There are a lot of factors but without talking to him you will never know the truth. Be thankful that you have a guy who is willing to be open and honest with you rather than stringing you along. Trust me I know from experience. The more you know about what is happening in his mind the better off you will be. If he states that he doesnt know whats holding him back suggest joint counseling. Sort of as a pre-engagement counseling session. It couldnt hurt.

Good Luck!!

 

[Pandora II]

Could I ask why you are still living at home in your 30's?

A lot of men I know actually don't like the thought of their life-partner being someone who devotes themself to their every need - cooking, cleaning etc (I had a bf like that and it drove me nuts - and gave me a lot of insight into how irritating some girls behaviour must be to men.)

I would suggest maybe getting some personal independence and seeing if that makes a difference. A year is enough time to know if you want to be with that person, but still IMHO too soon to be making a bigger step unless both parties are feeling that way. It also seems odd that people are putting pressure on you already. I could see they might after 3-4 years maybe, but they are being plain unreasonable after only a year.

 

[blushingbride]

I'm a bit confused - you said in your first post that you are in your early 30's and he's in his late 30's...and in another post you said if you got married and have kids right way, you'll be 34 and he'll be 52.

Did you mean, you'll be 44? Just trying to get your ages right.

 

[bluebubbles]

Good catch aljdewey. Sorry, just want to make a correction. I''ll be 44. Not 34...sorry for the typo and confusion.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

So.............................can you answer the previous questions? I am not sure we can give you anymore advice if we dont have more info...

 

[bluebubbles]

Well...he has a mixture of friends. Some are married, some have kids, some are single. I agree with you, Alexis, that some guys need more time, but how much more time do they need? They are just afraid of making a mistake. My BF is very afraid that the girl he marries (me in the this case) will leave him one day. I reassure him that I am in it for the long haul. I don''t take marriage lightly. I hope what I tell him sinks in. His parents are still married. Have been for a long time and have a good marriage. So, that wouldn''t be an issue. The living with parents isn''t really a factor because I spend some nights at his place every now and then. So, it''s okay that I''m still housing with my parents. I guess it''s just an old fashion view that a girl should stay at home and only leave when married. I figure if he had an issue with it...then he would talk to me about it or not dated me at all.

To answer one of the post, pressure is because of my age. Not necessarily in terms of just being together for a year and a few months. I guess by out age, we should know what we want. I read on some posts, and would say we fall in the category of "acting like married couples, but just not married on paper". We''ll see what happens this year. There is only 2 1/2 months left in 2007. Keep your fingers crossed for me and I''ll keep mine for all the LIW. The holiday''s are coming up so these are prime times for the BF''s to get their acts together and ask. Sometimes I think guys are dumb. They wait and wait and wait and in the end lose the most wonderful girl''s in their lives. Well...I''ll keep you girls posted on any new developments. Thanks for all your advice and just listening (or reading in this case) to my venting frustrations. Someone said that these forums have kept them sane and I must agree. Reading other''s posts, I must agree that it is helping me cope. *sigh* Why are girls like this??

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Thanks for the update. I guess I needed some more info on the situation than what you are giving me. There is some underlying issue than whats at the surface. Seems like he has abandonment issues...although Im not a shrink but he should really seek help in order to completely understand what the issue is that is causing him to procrastinate...

Talk to him though. You need to have a serious discussion on where you see yourself heading.

 

[mirre]

I don''t have any advice that I can give you. But I did want to wish you the best of luck with getting your MBA!

 

[bluebubbles]

Thanks Alexis. A talk will come. Just need to find the right time.

Thanks Mirre. I am going to an info session. Hopefully I can really sit my but down and study for the GMAT. Gonna redirect my focus on something that will pay off.

==> It''s easier getting an MBA than getting an MRS.<==

 

[tberube]

Ugh. I think you must be dating my ex.

I wish I could offer the best advice for you. If you feel he''ll loosen up eventually, then keep being a great girlfriend and show him how lucky of a guy he is.

But if you really feel he wants the whole game route, if he''s still checking up on the mind-game playing ex (a.k.a. what he might be missing by marrying you), then maybe it could be time to rethink things or have a talk. Pressuring guys never works, they have to want it on their own. Unfortunately, it''s not as easy to get a guy to come around as it is for us ladies.

We have it hard. Truly.
I wish you the best of luck, sweetie. You''re worth that diamond. That proposal. Don''t forget it.