did I do the right thing for a friend asking for money?

[kcoursolle]

Hi everyone, I had a small giving dilema the other day.

My friend doesn't make a lot of money (data entry operator) and he owns a small house that he needs to make mortgage payments on (about $600/month). His union went on strike for two weeks and he needed help with his mortgage. I don't like to *lend* people money because I don't like worrying about people paying it off. Instead of lending money, I gave him a "gift" of $90. Should I not have given him money, should I have made it a loan...did I give him enough? He doesn't have any family, but I think that a few of his other friends gave him some money as well. Fi and I could have easily given him more...did we do the right thing?

 

[Skippy123]

Well if you are good friends then that is okay. You are very kind. Maybe ask if that was okay? It all depends on how close you are. I always ask myself how will I feel if I am not paid back or am I okay with it before I do it. I would also talk to your hubby (DH) about it and get his thoughts first of all.

 

[baby monster]

Giving loans to friends is always a touchy subject. You have to accept that might never get the money back before you lend it. If this is truly a good friend and you think he will pay you back, I''d give him a small loan (1-2k) with a generous time for repayment like a year.

 

[movie zombie]

i think you did the right thing: you gave a gift and don''t have to worry about whether you''ll be paid back or not. your friendship is not endangered by whether or not a loan is repaid.

if this is a very good friend and you can afford to ''give'' more then perhaps you could do so. but only give what you are comfortable giving.

i was in a similar situation some years ago and gave a friend $450 when he was in a really really tight spot. i know he wanted to pay it back but i deep down knew he would not be able to do so....and i was right. yes, i could have put that $450 to some other use, but his need was greater....and in truth he had been a good friend over the years. i still don''t regret giving him the $ and i never bring it up to him. i feel fortunate enough to have been able to be there for him.

movie zombie

 

[TravelingGal]

Nothing wrong with that IMO...hopefully he won''t come back and ask for you. You gave him a gift, as the others have said, and there''s no pressure on either side to return the money.

It was nice of you to help.

 

[kcoursolle]

Date: 9/28/2007 4:33:02 PM
Author: Skippy123
Well if you are good friends then that is okay. You are very kind. Maybe ask if that was okay? It all depends on how close you are. I always ask myself how will I feel if I am not paid back or am I okay with it before I do it. I would also talk to your hubby (DH) about it and get his thoughts first of all.

hi skippy, thanks for the advice. I talked to hubby before hand and he thought it was fine as long as it didn''t become habit. He thought the amount was fine.

I don''t like not being paid back and I really figured that he might not be able to down the road (which might irritate me and the friendship) which is why I just gave him the money. He is a pretty good friend of mine for reference.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/28/2007 4:43:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Nothing wrong with that IMO...hopefully he won''t come back and ask for you. You gave him a gift, as the others have said, and there''s no pressure on either side to return the money.

It was nice of you to help.

Ditto.

 

[kcoursolle]

Date: 9/28/2007 4:35:44 PM
Author: baby monster
Giving loans to friends is always a touchy subject. You have to accept that might never get the money back before you lend it. If this is truly a good friend and you think he will pay you back, I''d give him a small loan (1-2k) with a generous time for repayment like a year.

thanks for the advice. I rather not give loans since I don''t want to worry about him paying back and decided instead just to give a smaller "gift." I''m not sure if I gave him enough, but I might consider asking him in a couple of weeks how he is doing and maybe he''ll hint at it.

 

[kcoursolle]

Date: 9/28/2007 4:38:28 PM
Author: movie zombie
i think you did the right thing: you gave a gift and don''t have to worry about whether you''ll be paid back or not. your friendship is not endangered by whether or not a loan is repaid.

if this is a very good friend and you can afford to ''give'' more then perhaps you could do so. but only give what you are comfortable giving.

i was in a similar situation some years ago and gave a friend $450 when he was in a really really tight spot. i know he wanted to pay it back but i deep down knew he would not be able to do so....and i was right. yes, i could have put that $450 to some other use, but his need was greater....and in truth he had been a good friend over the years. i still don''t regret giving him the $ and i never bring it up to him. i feel fortunate enough to have been able to be there for him.

movie zombie

Thanks for the reassurance mz, I know what you mean about the friend "wanting to pay you back". It would have been the same for him, but I don''t think he would have been able to and it probably would have made him feel awful and it might have irritated me as well. If he seems to still be in a tight spot in a while I could think about giving more, but I''m not sure if it might actually make him feel bad too because he is taking the money...not sure.

 

[kcoursolle]

Date: 9/28/2007 4:43:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Nothing wrong with that IMO...hopefully he won''t come back and ask for you. You gave him a gift, as the others have said, and there''s no pressure on either side to return the money.

It was nice of you to help.

Thanks TG. I don''t think he''ll ask me for more repeatedly, I think he probably felt uncomfortable asking in the first place.

 

[Independent Gal]

You totally did the right thing! If I were you, I''d have expressed as a sort of ''Solidarity with the Union Men!'' thing. But the idea that a friend goes on strike, and his pals chip in to help him pay his mortgage that month, that''s just lovely.

And definitely a gift in this case would be better than a loan.

Nicely done KCoursolle! A very kind geture.

 

[kcoursolle]

Date: 9/28/2007 5:00:27 PM
Author: Independent Gal
You totally did the right thing! If I were you, I''d have expressed as a sort of ''Solidarity with the Union Men!'' thing. But the idea that a friend goes on strike, and his pals chip in to help him pay his mortgage that month, that''s just lovely.

And definitely a gift in this case would be better than a loan.

Nicely done KCoursolle! A very kind geture.

Aw thanks IG, I hoped I did the right thing. I definitely support his cause and his reasoning for not wanting to cross a picket. Unfortunately, I don''t think they are going to get the raises or better health care that they are bargaining for.

 

[Selkie]

I think you took a good approach. It''s not like he was asking for the money for some frivolous purpose, and there''s always the possibility he will pay you back or be able to do a favor in return at some point. I too, would consider casually mentioning it down the road to see if he could use more help, as long as you don''t think he''ll get the impression you''re hinting at being paid back.

I''ve done a similar thing for a friend/roommate when she was between jobs, with a somewhat larger sum. However, she insisted on paying me back months later, even though I was willing to let it go while she got back on track. It was tricky, and although we are still friends, other incidents have tainted my perception of her financial responsibility. It''s always an area to tread with caution.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 9/28/2007 4:43:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Nothing wrong with that IMO...hopefully he won't come back and ask for you. You gave him a gift, as the others have said, and there's no pressure on either side to return the money.

It was nice of you to help.

Agree 100%
nothing wrong at all.
Ask how he is doing and if he still has issues and you feel like you should offer more then do so.
Life is tough out there.
Iv given away thousands of dollars and been given help when I needed it and am not ashamed of either.
I'm not proud of helping either, it is the right thing too do.

I do believe in passing it on if someone helps me I pass it on too others when I can and hope that those that I help will do the same.
I helped a friend of mine a long time ago multiple times and every once in a while I hear back how they have helped someone else and even about someone they helped helping someone else and the circle continues. That makes me happy.
Yes on a few occasion iv later learned someone was scamming me but in the long run the good far outweigh the bad.

 

[kcoursolle]

Thanks for the advice and reassurance selkie and storm. I think what I might do is just sort of casually ask him in a week or so "how he is getting along...". If I get the impression he''s still having a hard time I''ll send another small gift.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 9/28/2007 5:14:10 PM
Author: strmrdr

Date: 9/28/2007 4:43:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Nothing wrong with that IMO...hopefully he won''t come back and ask for you. You gave him a gift, as the others have said, and there''s no pressure on either side to return the money.

It was nice of you to help.

Agree 100%
nothing wrong at all.
Ask how he is doing and if he still has issues and you feel like you should offer more then do so.
Life is tough out there.
Iv given away thousands of dollars and been given help when I needed it and am not ashamed of either.
I''m not proud of helping either, it is the right thing too do.

I do believe in passing it on if someone helps me I pass it on too others when I can and hope that those that I help will do the same.
I helped a friend of mine a long time ago multiple times and every once in a while I hear back how they have helped someone else and even about someone they helped helping someone else and the circle continues. That makes me happy.
Yes on a few occasion iv later learned someone was scamming me but in the long run the good far outweigh the bad.

and that''s what life is all about......

movie zombie

 

[WTNLVR]

I think you handled this perfectly. You supported him no strings attached, gave what you could comfortably give. Just the fact that you gave him money will never be forgotten. You are a true friend. My hubby was recently out of work for 7 weeks due to injury and his coworker offered to lend us money. We were fine and didn''t need it, but just the offer meant alot. Of course, never offer if you can''t/won''t follow through.

 

[scarleta]

You are so very kind and I salute you for that.I am in an opinion that if I want to loan money to a friend or a family member for that matter I really don''t expect it back..So I give accordingly.If it gets repaid I consider it a bonus .It could potentialy became a habit forming so watch out.I much prefer to see what they need and maybe help them out to get it.
In any case you should be so very proud of yourself...You did the right thing..to help one in need...

 

[monarch64]

I don''t know...I''m probably 90/10 on this issue...personally I would''ve given him a load of groceries as a "gift" instead of cash, at least you know he''s eating well enough under the circumstances and probably won''t come back asking for food in case he turns out to be one of those repeat cash loan offenders. Sorry if that sounds cavalier or harsh or whatever, jmo. I think it''s great to help out in any way possible, but pure cash is just something I will not loan to people no matter how well I know them or what their circumstances. I''m just a better-safe-than-sorry gal, I guess... maybe if it comes up again that he''s in a pinch you could pay his electric or gas bill? Or like I said, get him some groceries or even buy him a tank of gas? I think people can usually find a way to come up with a lump sum to pay the mortgage or rent but then they put off other necessities and get behind or don''t eat right. Again, jmo, I think you and your DH are very nice indeed for helping him out, period.

 

[ljmorgan]

kcoursolle, you did the right thing! Have you ever heard "borrower is slave to lender" -- it''s true! Giving your friends money as a "gift" is always the correct way to go, no matter what the sum, if you do decide to part with your money. Your friendship won''t suffer from it.