Did I Do The Right Thing

[Class n Sass]

So my fiance has a friend that he has known for about 6/7 years from college. They are not super close but they speak from time to time just to say what''s up. I have only briefly met her one time and that was before my fiance and I were even dating. This friend is getting married in 2 weeks and we knew that we would not be invited to the wedding due to money. That was totally fine by him especially since she won''t be invited to our wedding. So sometime at the end of last week she called my fiance and told him that she had some people decline and would like him to come. He mentioned it to me and we decided it would be best if he declined. It''s short notice, it would require me to leave work early on a Friday and drive 4 hours in traffic for a 7pm ceremony, spend money that we really don'' have right now and we also didn''t want to feel obligated to end up inviting her to our wedding.

So he called her last night to decline and she insisted that we come because she knows that we have nothing else planned for that day. So he called me and ran it past me. I wasn''t totally comfortable with the idea but I said yes anyway. His friend emailed the hotel information to me and when I called to make a reservation there were no more rooms available in the block she reserved. As I fell asleep last night I thought again that it was a bad idea. So this morning I tell my fiance the room situation and suggest that we just don''t go. He said he felt a little uncomfortable too about going but because she kept insisting that he just said yes. Then he told me that he would feel really bad now backing out since we already said yes. So I reminded him that she probably didn''t go the venue and pay for us since 10pm last night when he spoke to her. So he called and told her that we wouldn''t be able to make. He left a message since she didn''t answer, but he will keep calling until he gets to actually speak to her.

To top it off he received the invitation in the mail today which said "monetary gifts only" or something like that. Isn''t that tacky??? Maybe it''s just me but that was a total turnoff in my book.

So basically do you think I did the right thing by encouraging my fiance to cancel or should I have just gone along with it? What would you have done?

 

[TravelingGal]

I would have sent the RSVP back with some old lira in it. Or maybe old pesos.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree about declining. it''s 2 wks before so obviously she only wants you in the wedding to fill the seat, and bring a gift (a monetary one no less!). she may also just be trying to fill the minimum requirement of her venue.

the only thing is it''s too bad you did say yes and now have to say no...not exactly ideal, but i guess considering how it was all presented to you (last minute and not following etiquette herself), i''d just leave it be (with the message) and not worry about it. since it''s not a close friend, it''s not like you should be going above and beyond.

 

[surfgirl]

It seems clear that you''re two warm bodies to fill two seats that are already paid for. Neat! And you get to pay cash to her too! AND you get to drive through traffic, use some of your precious time off, and pay full price for a hotel room not to mention gas. Sounds like fun! Yeah, your decision to decline sounds pretty sane to me.

I give the girl props for being honest about you being invited because some folks aren''t coming but the "cash only" thing? T.A.C.K.Y.

 

[KimberlyH]

It''s unfortunate he felt pressured into saying yes, but I don''t think you guys should feel obligated to attend. I think it''s awesome that he''s going to continue calling until he actually speaks to her to let her know...a lot of people would just let it go at the message so as to not have to deal with her.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I think his yes...your yes was coerced. If this were a court of law it may not admissible.

This is not like you rsvping to a std and to an invitation and then promising to toast the b&G and serve as the DJ. You just called the next day and said it is impossible to oblige on a last minute invite-and to add after learning about the hotel situation. We regret it very much!!! We tried. We know this is important to you-that is why we said yes...prematurely.

I agree the empty seat on her side quota...along with the randsom note(cash only)...the 2 week from now... GOTTA AGREE RIGHT NOW ...not so attractive of an invite.

You did the right thing...besides there are no rooms in the inn...what are you expected to do say in the barn?
Everyone else that was invited had more than 2 weeks to arrange their schedule and probably even had received STDates. And to top it off...You may not have been the first substitute bench warmer! She sounds desperate. You get a call...then an invitation...with a GIMME cash...you are offended...where is the love? Sleep well. You did the right thing.

Unless she calls back and tells you someone else cancelled and the room is paid for...that would be the only way I would go!

DKS

 

[allycat0303]

I wouldn''t go because you feel *badly* about it. I don''t know, anything that makes me uncomfortable enough to go to bed thinking about it, then I would go with my gut (maybe it sounds stupid and flakey but I''m really into *gut feelings*. I often think that when something feels uncomfrotable or all the signs point to *not* doing something, it could be because something bad would happen if you don''t go.

And gut feeling aside, I don''t think you should bring a monetary gift for someone so (put yourself out of the way) just so she can save money AND get a monetary gift. It''s like she''s trying to minimize her losses on her financial investement or something. The whole thing seems completely icky to me.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 7/10/2007 5:53:15 PM
Author: surfgirl
It seems clear that you''re two warm bodies to fill two seats that are already paid for. Neat! And you get to pay cash to her too! AND you get to drive through traffic, use some of your precious time off, and pay full price for a hotel room not to mention gas. Sounds like fun! Yeah, your decision to decline sounds pretty sane to me.

I give the girl props for being honest about you being invited because some folks aren''t coming but the ''cash only'' thing? T.A.C.K.Y.

Ditto and I like the pesos idea.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 7/10/2007 5:53:15 PM
Author: surfgirl
It seems clear that you''re two warm bodies to fill two seats that are already paid for. Neat! And you get to pay cash to her too! AND you get to drive through traffic, use some of your precious time off, and pay full price for a hotel room not to mention gas. Sounds like fun! Yeah, your decision to decline sounds pretty sane to me.

I give the girl props for being honest about you being invited because some folks aren''t coming but the ''cash only'' thing? T.A.C.K.Y.

D.I.T.T.O. Don''t inconvenience yourselves and do something you don''t really want to do because you feel pressured. The monetary gifts only thing is way, way beyond tacky.

 

[Class n Sass]

Thanks so much for all the advice!!

 

[cara]

i think you all are being a little hard on said friend. Yes, could be that she has already paid for the seats and is trying to shake you down for money in the process of "inviting" you.

Or she could just be some version of normal, trying to invite people she wants to invite but previously wasn''t able to (maybe for some combination of space and money, not just money). And yes its tacky to put information about gifts on anything, but some people are clueless. I''ve seen people on this board suggest including registry information in with the invite "to make things simpler" even though that also smacks of gift solicitation.

If you really feel manipulated and don''t want to go, well, your fiance shouldn''t have caved, but apologize profusely and send a nice gift. er... check.

But since you asked, I think that you shouldn''t have convinced your FI to cancel until researching other housing options and figuring out how inconvenient and difficult and expensive it would be. It also would have been more okay to just cancel your acceptance and send your fiance alone, as he hadn''t consulted you before accepting, you then wouldn''t have to take off work/sit in traffic, and your fiance might know people at the wedding if this is a college friend.

I don''t think you should go or not go based on whether or not you can invite them to your wedding. Clearly you didn''t make their A-list and they are aware of the difficulties and space considerations involved in weddings.

 

[Harleigh]

I''m with AllyCat...go with your gut, put it down to bad taste and spend your money wisely on your own wedding. It is unfortunate that your FI agreed to go, but I think it can very easily be explained to his friend that money is tight, no more rooms are available, you would have to take off work, etc...

I also think sending a kind congratulatory note (minus any money, IMHO) would be entirely appropriate. If you had planned to send a gift anyway, then by all means, send a check, but if not, a sincere card would be sufficient, I think.

 

[Haven]

You absolutely did the right thing--if you are not comfortable accepting an invitation, don''t. I agree with everyone else that it is unfortunate that your FI accepted her invitation under duress, however it is crystal clear that this couple had not originally intended to invite you two, and is now oddly desperate for you to attend.

The coercive phone call and mention of cash-only gifts on the invite are appalling, and the only obligation you should feel to this couple is to send a lovely congratulatory correspondence card, period. No gift is necessary, at this point.

And do people really include registries on save-the-dates? Oh, dear.

 

[Class n Sass]

Yes we do plan to send a gift and it will be a check