Did karma get me? I''m getting tired!

[Ananda]

Hi, I just found this forum by accident...I was doing a web search on why men won''t commit. I feel like I''m getting pay-back from my earlier life. I had had a few marriage proposals when I "didn''t believe in" marriage and/or didn''t want that type of commitment with the man I was with. I''ve been in long-term relationships. Lived with someone for several years.

Now things have changed. I''m older. I spent three years alone -- hardly ever dating -- getting back to who I was/who I am, making sure I was happy with myself and my life before bringing anyone else into it. That seemed to do the trick. I met the most wonderful man I''ve ever known: responsible, honest, introspective, intuitive, doesn''t play games, healthy, likes to be active. . . I could go on and on.

This is the problem: We have been dating for 2 years. He has been divorced twice and had one hell of an awful live-in situation with an alcoholic. Yes, he is gun-shy to say the least. His last wife, who he totally trusted, cheated on him and took him to the cleaners. It was a total shock to him and destroyed the family.
He tells me I am the most this and that of any woman he''s known. We are best friends. We are companions. Lovers. The works. And this darn man won''t pop the question!

Yes, I have brought it up. He has talked about moving in. He says, "So, what if, theoretically, we were to get married and..." theoretically?!?! I''ve told him I don''t want to be 80 years old and him picking me up for dates.

I''m thinking seriously of setting a time limit (and not telling him) and saying goodbye if the decision isn''t made by then. I don''t want to live together. He knows how I feel, but I''ll be damned if I''m going to badger someone into marrying me! I hate to say this, but I''m actually considering cutting my losses now and moving on. I don''t want to marry to "complete" me or my life. I feel good about my life. I want to marry HIM and I want a lifetime commitment. I am READY.

Am I crazy to consider giving this up? What the hell is the matter with this man? I sometimes wonder if he really doesn''t think of me the way he says he does.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Ananda! I found this forum in a similar way too

Sorry you''re feeling like this. I think a lot of us here can relate one way or the other.

While I do believe ultimatums are *sometimes* needed, I don''t believe it''s fair to silently have a deadline before being clear. Have you asked him straight how he feels about your future? what his plans are? any timelines?. I finally had this talk with my BF at the beginning of the year, and he gave me a timeline. I believed it helped (although sometimes I still get frustrated!)....but it helped.

For now, I would recommend this thread that Mara started and I''ve enjoyed!

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/effectively-managing-your-male.47676/

Anyway, welcome!

M~

 

[decodelighted]

Hey there! Welcome!

I''ve heard a lot of folks have found Pricescope the exact same way! So you''re def. def. not alone.

I absolutely agree that "badgering" someone into marrying you is not good for either party - or anyway to cement a life together. But I do think setting a clear, open, stated deadline can sometimes help. Sometimes it means the end though. I had a friend who''d been with her b-friend for 7 years, she set a deadline, it passed, she moved on & was actually married - to someone else - within the next 18 months.

If you''re feeling "ready" -- it may be because of him, it may just be where you are now that you know how it can be with someone you think you could marry! Sounds like he''s been through a lot & has reasons to be fearful (not of you, but in general).

You''ll have to decide for yourself how long is reasonable to wait for him to "be ready". I encourage you to tell him your timetable so he realizes how serious you are. No active badgering etc -- just a date. And conversations if he wants to have them.

Good luck!

 

[Ananda]

Thanks for your kindness, M. I appreciate it.

If I am not quiet about my deadline, it will be an ultimatum. He hates ultimatums. I don''t really like them. And isn''t that pushing someone into doing something? I''m confused, I admit it. I did suggest that we make a decision about our future in June. June came. June started to go. I got grouchy. He talked about moving in. Didn''t even set a date on that. Something is wrong here.

We have talked about our future. I have to admit, he talks about it with fear, and we''ve talked about THAT as well. I told him I want/deserve someone who WANTS to be with me...who feels enthusiastic about a future with me, not someone who looks at the future with me with trepidation. He said he shows his enthusiasm through his plans for my house. hmmm. I feel I''m paying the price of what other people have done...either that or he doesn''t really think I''m so hot after all. That''s what bothers me most...I am beginning to question the sincerity of what he says his feelings are.

I don''t know.

 

[Ananda]

And thank you, deco. I think we were typing at the same time

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/8/2006 1:36:10 PM
Author:Ananda
He has been divorced twice and had one hell of an awful live-in situation with an alcoholic. Yes, he is gun-shy to say the least. His last wife, who he totally trusted, cheated on him and took him to the cleaners. It was a total shock to him and destroyed the family.

I don''t know him, but I wonder if he''s been through any counseling after these situations. It sounds as if his problems with relationships didn''t start with you -- and he might not even recognize something healthy if it hit him in the face. That''s sadly not something that will just occur to him one day IMO.

If you doubt his sincerity & intentions - that''s a pretty big red flag. Just because he''s the first guy you actually wanted to marry, doesn''t mean he''s the last. It''s EVEN possible his hesitation is what frees YOU up to want it.

 

[Julian]

HUGS.

Sounds like he loves you and that you are the one.
Methinks he's just gun shy as you wrote. Lots of reassurance is in order.

Since he's been married twice before, he can definitely marry again. He's a hopeful soul, which is a great thing. I think the terminal bachelor would be a harder horse to tame!

Right now, I'm sure he's very scared you might break his heart and ruin his life the way the other lesser women did. But I think he also knows you are THE ONE and trusts you. Are you willing to wait a little more and put in some work helping him feel more secure? He's probably still healing in some ways (aren't we all from something?) and needs you to be strong for him. Then, BAM! He'll be ready before you know it.

The gun shy are the most idealistic and hopeful. They have a lot more to lose because they love bravely & openly.

So you have great raw material there.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Ananda~
Since you aren''t enthusiastic about ultimatums (I wouldn''t be either) have you considered talking to him about how this is making you feel? You said you agreed to talk in June, but it''s now July. This clearly upset you, and I can feel your pain when you say you''re questioning his feelings and intentions. Maybe you could bring this up in neutral territory. Relationships are about communication and comprimise. He needs to know that you are supportive and aware of his feelings but he needs to consider yours as well. I''m not sure if that will help, but I hope it does! Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[bar01]

As a man who had gone through the painful betrayals with my first wife, I understand the fear and trust issues that follow into relationships. It would be difficult to explain how deep this pain was.

At first I spent much time trying to find a woman and a relationship in which I could be 101% sure of never being hurt or let down. That I could have 101% trust and faith in. After a while, I realized that no such perfect person or relationship exists. Humans are flawed creatures who screw up from time to time - myself included. There is risk in love - in commitment - in marriage.

I don't have any easier anwers for you. I think your man needs to speak with some wise counsel about theses issues and perhaps decide if your love and the rewards of a commitment - are worth taking another chance.

 

[Ananda]

::sob:: Your responses have been so helpful to read! Thank you so much.
Yes, he has been to counseling and still sees a therapist about once a month. Maybe I should go with him a time or two.
He did experience a healthy relationship (I think for a number of years) with wife #2, but that turned very destructive toward the end.
I have noticed his avoidance of talk about the future particularly after we have a really wonderful time together, a time of being especially close. He has said recently,"I am nervous because I am finally opening myself up to someone again." In that case, it would be cruel of me to say, "Ok, honey, buh bye because I need more of a commitment." But I DO have my needs and feelings as well.
But you are right about how it is important to express how I feel.
Again, thank you.