Did you regret sending out certain save the date cards?

[zoebartlett]

I keep thinking about Shigidigi''s thread about deciding to get married...and just doing it (while still having the regular ceremony, etc. in the spring). The more I think about it, the more I wish we could do that. While there''s no federal law that says one has to stick with her original plans, I''d have to worry about Mom''s Law. She''d kill me if I change things now. But would she have to know if my FI and I snuck (sneaked?) away one day and quietly became husband and wife? Part of me thinks that that would take the pressure off. Well, maybe not pressure exactly. I don''t know what the right word is...nerves, jitters...

I might be more comfortable with the whole idea of being the center of attention if we had a special secret that no one else knew about. I don''t even know if that makes sense. The guest list of 80 that we began with has grown to 100, then 120, and now it could go as high as 150-160. Granted, not everyone will come, but the bottom line is, WAY more people ended up being on the list than originally planned. I can''t blame only my mom though -- I''ve added to the list somewhat, and I haven''t even decided whether to invite coworkers or not. I just know that certain family members and others who are on the list are ones that I wouldn''t have invited personally. It''s not like I can say to them "save the date...just kidding!" I''m secretly hoping that many people will not be able to come (terrible thought, I know).

I know I''m rambling and I''m probably on the edge of not making sense.

 

[Haven]

Oh, Zo--it sounds like you''re a bit frazzled, honey! And that''s okay--you are planning to celebrate getting married (a BIG DEAL!) with 150 of your closest friends and family, if this isn''t an excuse for a bit of anxiety, I don''t know what is!

I say sleep on this idea for a while and see how you feel in a few days. I''m not sure about the marrying in secret and then going through the motions on your wedding day, I think that''s a very personal decision. I would probably relish the thought of having one giant secret with my FI, er . . . husband, on my wedding day, but then again I''d want to make certain I wouldn''t regret not having my family there to see us exchange "real" vows.

Take some time to think about it, sweetie, or better yet--take some time to NOT think about it. Get your girls together and go for a manicure and a movie or something!

 

[cellososweet]

if your wedding is all but planned, i''d say to just wait it out. we got married in private because our wedding was cancelled twice due to finances and we were just over it at that point. Everyone knows we are married and that our celebration in may is a vow renewal. it takes the stress off because it''s out in the open. i think i''d be completely stressed out if i had a "big secret" at the wedding. and besides, i feel like it''s a little deceptive, especially to your closest friends and family (especially your parents!). that''s just MHO though. For shigidigi, it seemed like there were extenuating circumstances too. Haven is right. . . go get your mind off the wedding. Relax. Have fun.

If you want to take the pressure off for your wedding, remember that life is what you make it. no more and no less. laugh at the screw ups, appreciate the days imperfections and remember you are there to celebrate your love for one another (not to celebrate how perfect the linens look). [ i''m not implying you are that superficial, but you understand what i mean, i hope.] your day will be beautiful. you''ll be beautiful. and 20 years down the line when you''ve suffered hardships, happy times, and the birth of children (if you are going that route), you''ll realize that your wedding was an important event and an important day, but there will be other days that will be right up there in importance and might even surpass it (i''ve had friends tell me that their wedding day was a blip on the radar compared to other things they''ve experienced as a couple. that the wedding was the day they decided they wanted to share a life together. but, in those private moments, when they still are together after kids, jobs, and life crises? that those are moments that matter).

take a breather and remember why you wanted to plan the wedding to begin with. you''ll be fine

 

[winston26]

Zoe, I had this exact same thought this afternoon! I actually thought "yes, this would work! but would any minister agree to act like we weren''t already married?" My cousin did this, and her minister changed the wording on the vows slightly to reflect they were already married. I remember her saying on her wedding day that she was so glad that pressure was off.......but honestly, I still thought she was as nervous as anyone else walking down the aisle in front of 100s.
I am so freaked out I can''t even make the plans. But for you, I''d say just be proud of how much planning you''ve accomplished!!!

On the topic of taking a little pressure off, how do you feel about having photos done together prior to the ceremony? My brother and SIL did that and seemed much more relaxed. It''s hard to get past the superstition of it though, although they have been very happily married over 10 years so must not be tooooo true!!

 

[partyjewels]

I just thought Id chime in here and say.. DO IT!! hehe. We had two friends that got secretly married exactly one year prior to their public wedding. They didnt tell anyone (though her MOH ended up figuring it out the day of) till after. They got married on the same date in the same church by the same priest. The priest did ask if they wanted to call it a vow renewal and when they said no he respected it and made no mention of it. There were some pretty upset people, but they got over it. They said it took alot of the pressure off, and like you said, it was a secret just the two of them (and the priest and his wife) knew, which made it extra special. They dont regret doing it that way one bit, and they always have both that special private wedding day as well as the public one with all their loved ones to remember. I have been trying to convince FI to do something similar. I would love to get married this christmas! But he says no

So again, if your FI is game...DI IT!!!

ETA: I too am secretly hoping alot of people will not be able to come.. kinda silly for me to send save the dates, but I wanted to!! So dont feel bad, you're not the only one

 

[basil]

No. I suck at keeping secrets, so I''d be bursting at the seams to tell someone, anyone. I''d probably crack and tell my mom, who would tell everyone in like 2 seconds. Then I''d feel bad that I didn''t include everyone that I loved and I''d regret it. Plus, it''d be 1000 times more stressful (for me) to try to pull off fooling everyone than it will be to just walk down the aisle and have a 20 minute ceremony.

I have to admit, though, I don''t really relate to the whole wedding jitters, nerves, etc, that much. What are you so nervous about, really? "Being the center of attention" is sort of a nebulous concept...that you could trip and fall or flub your vows? That the flowers won''t look right? That the food will be cold or someone will drop the cake? I guess I think really figuring out something specific that you''re worried about might help you do things to change your anxiety level.

It seems like, since you are so anxious, you are trying to downplay the importance of the event (it''s not the real wedding - it''s the sham one). So if something goes wrong you wouldn''t be so upset? I''m just guessing.

I have experienced the bulging guest list as well, but if you were planning for 80 and now are having 120...it just doesn''t seem all that different to me. Still too many people to call it really intimate but still small enough to visit and talk with the guests.

Anyway, good luck in figuring everything out!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

A family friend did this recently and her mom found out. Her mother was incredibly hurt and was not too happy about shelling out a lot of money for a wedding when her daughter was already married. I think it definitely depends on your mom, as you obviously know her best. Just really think on it and be careful, because if that secret is revealed a lot of people could be upset.. including bridesmaids, best friends, and family members.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks everyone for your replies. My FI and I had talked about this prior to my post and he''s not too crazy about the idea. He said we (he) could think about it more if it''s TRULY what I want to do, but he doesn''t think that''s what I really want. There are days that I definitely want to sneak away and do it but it''s not for a "hehe, look how we fooled everyone" type of reason. It''s purely to help calm jitters about having everyone "stare" while we dance, say our vows, etc. I know I have a self-confidence thing to deal with, and that''s what holding me back. Yes, I know that everyone will be there to love and support us, but for some reason, I can''t get those thoughts out of my head. My FI and I are both quiet and shy people and being in the spotlight has never been our thing. THe funny thing is, he used to be in a couple of bands (used to the stage at small clubs), and I''m a teacher, so I''m used to speaking in "public" to kids, parents, and coworkers. I can hold my own and feel more comfortable at a party than he can, but my FI is the calm one when it comes to wedding planning. I''m such a huge contradiction I suppose.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I get stage fright a bit, and I also dislike the idea of everyone watching during such a personal moment. One thing I DID put my foot down on that may help you was this--I''m not writing my own vows, reading a poem, or really divulging feelings I feel are private--we''re sticking to the ritual script. THe rabbi can say some personal comments if he likes, but I''m not...

You could also do what a couple at a wedding I saw recently did and invite everyone onto the floor to join you for the first dane (that way they are watching their feet, not you)

 

[partyjewels]

P.S. I just wanted to add that my friends who did the secret wedding and the public, paid for the wedding themselves, aside from the rehearsal dinner which was held at a friends house who paid for and prepared all the food. So if you do end up thinking about it more and going that route it''s definitely something to consider. My FI and I are paying for the wedding completely ourselves, aside from a few tiny things here and there, so no one could be upset about spending money on a "fake" wedding. I can understand how that would be a problem!

 

[AceP]

what about a small, private ceremony - maybe just with immediate family - before the larger reception? you could do it the same day, or even a few days or weeks before. then you don''t need to change many existing plans and you can just have a big party to celebrate with your extended clan - without the pressure of public vows, etc.

 

[zoebartlett]

Okay, I just got off the phone with our officiant who we met over the summer and LOVED. She''s apparently leading a pilgrimage (sp?) to Romania and she has to be there on our wedding day.

I guess the group she''s traveling with changed the date of their arrival, and now it''s going to be on July 12th. I''m really sad not to be having her anymore because my FI and I really felt a connection with her when we first met. She has recommended someone else to me and I''ll try to get in touch with her tomorrow.

 

[zoebartlett]

Rainbowtrout, I really like the idea of having everyone join us for our first dance. We already know we''re not going to write our own vows. We''re both perfectly fine repeating what the officiant says. Thanks for the suggestions!

I know I''ve been an emotional wreck over the past few days but I know that we will end up keeping things as planned. I am a huge worrier and I do have legitimate anxiety, but all will be good. On a funny note, I called my mom this morning on my way to work to tell her how stressed I feel lately. I did end up saying (in kind of a joking way) that part of me wanted to just go off quietly and elope. I had to quickly reassure my mom that we weren''t going to do it but the thought had crossed my mind. When I told her that I was stressed, the first thing she said was, "well, OF COURSE you are. That''s YOU." Then she told me that she had written her annual Christmas letter to family and friends and she told them about my engagement (specifically for those not invited to the wedding). She also said that she fully expected me to faint and hypervenilate, and details of that would be written in next year''s letter.

 

[anchor31]

We only sent out STDs to our family members (I finally mailed them yesterday morning! yay!). We''ll work out if we want to invite friends/coworkers closer to the date, when we''ll send out the invites. We may end up with a family only wedding, we''ll see.

As for the stage fright, I definitely have it too. The biggest thing for me was the vows, I just did NOT want everyone and their aunts to hear the most private and sacred vows. I posted about it here... And we decided to say our vows to each other in a low voice or whisper them to each other. HTH!

 

[shigidigi]

At first I felt really guilty that I had sent out save the dates but then (after all of you guys were so helpful and reassuring) I realized that no invitations or anything "definite" had been sent out and I knew our families would be happy for us no matter what we chose.

If it comes down to the size scaring you, maybe remind your families that this is your day and perhaps your third cousin-twice removed and his wife/4kids dont need to be "present" at your wedding to be happy for you. There is nothing wrong with scaling down a wedding EVEN IF you have already sent out STDs. I think if I got a STD and then was told that the wedding was going to be smaller and so I wasnt invited- I wouldn''t be upset, I would be happy for the couple (and let''s face it- anyone who has been through the process of trying to plan a wedding should have MAJOR sympathy for those going through it).

If your third cousin-twice removed (or any other family friend, neighbor or whatever) feels rebuffed, then they probably werent going to your wedding in order to be "happy" for you anyways and I say (I am so bad at this point!)- the hell with them all

It sounds like you have solved your problem and are not going to elope

, and I think seeing how far you come with the wedding planning that you would might regret not having a wedding. But again, it doesn''t mean you can''t scale yours back to make it more like what you had originally invisioned!!

But, as we all know I am super biased.

So, I realize all those paragraphs above were most likely not helpful, but that is just my opinion!

On another note- I am SO SORRY to hear about your officiant! Do you also live in one of those states (I know we had a thread about it awhile back with Hudson Hawk''s dilemma) that don''t allow people to marry you without being part of a "church"? If so- we have good friends who were ordained by the Universal Life Church- I believe they are Unitarian. Anyway, maybe you could have a close friend or family member do the honors for you? Just a thought.

Sorry for my tirade!!