Different dream weddings

[lala2332]

My BF (FF) wants a BIG black-tie wedding with the ceremony at his parent's church and probably some sort of country club/event hall reception. I have some major problems with this. especially since I'll be planning all of it. I'm not sure how involved he will actually end up being.

*My parents have a HUGE problem with spending a lot of money on a wedding. THey have no problem giving us the money for a downpayment on a house though. So its not that they can't help, its just they don't spend their money on things that aren't "good investments" and a wedding/party is not a good investment to them.

*We are different denominations and I think his church is ugly. I don't want to get married in an ugly church. The church I like and will go to once back home is gorgeous! That may not be the right reason to pick a chuch, but its important to me. So even if I say ok to a church wedding, then which church becomes a fight.
*Both of the potential churches are really big, I would hate for it to look like no one is there b/c the church is so big if I can reign him in a keep it fairly small.

*I would love a spring or fall wedding outside (No way in Georgia summer heat). My parents have a gorgeous beach house that would be perfect. Its also on the same beach where my dad and step-mom, who I am super close with got married, so it is meaningful to me.

How do you figure this stuff out? I don't want to fight over this.

Have any of you encountered simiilar issues?

 

[Lauren8211]

Sounds like it's one of many lessons in compromise that you'll have to deal with as a married couple. Eep!

My suggestion? If you're afraid of arguing just by talking it out, make a list of each aspect of the wedding, and number them in order of importance. If your number is higher on a certain aspect than the other persons, maybe let that person make the decisions on those aspects.

Obviously you could modify this method as you see fit. Hopefully your numbers don't match exactly...

It can't be ONE person's decision, you have to weigh whats really important to each of you individually, and bend on what isn't a deal breaker for you personally.

Good Luck

 

[jcarlylew]

Have you thought about doing a black tie at your parents place? Those can be sooo beautiful! Also, if you dont get married at HIS church, ask if its the church or the officiant he really wants? For the longest time i wanted my church''s previous Rev. to handle my wedding, even if it wasnt at the church.

Also, have you told him that your parents would rather help with a down payment on a house? that could change his mind.

 

[lala2332]

I know...I''m not against formal. I love getting dressed up and want my guests to get dressed up!

Neither if us our big fans of his church''s current reverand, so its the building. Which may be why I''m not a big fan of his church. The service I went to was awful! And his sister complains that none of the others are any better. haha!

I''m not against arguing. BF and I are both lawyers, and both planning on going into litigation! haha. We are just usually on the same page, so this is strange to have such different views. Its almost the reverse of the stereotypical situation where the bride knows exactly what she wants and the groom has never thought about this stuff before. He knows exactly what he wants and I''m just now starting to even think about it.

I just don''t want anyone to be disappointed.


I''m hoping we could maybe find his denomination church at the beach, and then reception at my parent''s house. Hopefully best of both worlds.

 

[Bia]

My parents are somewhat on the same page. They want to contribute, and if we decide to use the money for a wedding, then thats fine, but they have said time and time again, that they would rather we use the money for a downpayment on a house. I sort of agree with this.

If your FI is dead set on a big wedding, then sit down and discuss the pros and cons. Make a list of each of your desires and then compromise. If he wouldn't mind doing a formal wedding at your parent's beach house, then try to make that work.

As for the church thing, I kind of understand the "ugly" church aspect. It don't know that the aesthetics should take precedence, especially if there is sentimental value for him there, but I totally get where you are coming from!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

We had to compromise on our wedding (me=small, casual him=large, formal), but both of us were flexible, so we worked it out. I put my foot down on several things: the budget, the size, the location, his contribution. It sounds like you need to put your foot down on a few things, too, so you can start to see where both of you will need to budge.

First, your parents aren't going to pay for it, so you two will (it's great that they're willing ot help with a house, though!). That's a big deal because his black tie event is going to cost you tens of thousands of dollars. If I were you, I'd tell him "I'm not spending more than $x dollars" so that he knows what parameters he needs to work within. Second, I would tell him that incorporating your parents' beach house is important to you because it is sentimental.

I'm going to elaborate on this because I think the beach house should be a consideration, even if it's not what he originally wanted. You can make it formal--no beach theme, nothing in the sand. You can have formal tables, beautiful lighting, great food, drinks, etc. on a lawn with the beach as a background and nothing more. Many people have formal beach weddings. We did.

If he's still holding onto the church, you could still have the reception at the beach house.

The biggest limitation with the beachouse is the number you can invite. Most homes don't have parking for 50+ cars, so the beach house idea might mean cutting the guest list (depending on how many people you were planning to invite in the first place).

Also, don't plan this whole thing yourself. If having a wedding is important to him, then he needs to pitch in. He can choose what he wants to do, but he needs to be involved. My mentality was "if it doesn't get done, I don't care." which made D realize that if he wanted something, he needed to act on it. If you end up planning his wedding, you won't be a happy woman.

You can work something out, you just have to prioritize what you want and be willing to bend a little.

 

[absolut_blonde]

We just recently attended an outdoor wedding at a house (held in the back yard) and it was fantastic. It was a ton of fun! They had 68 guests in total, but this was quite a small backyard. With a larger place, I''m sure you could bump that up a bit. It was pretty casual, but like others have said, you could definitely make it more formal. A seated dinner, nice tablecloths & centre pieces, it could definitely be done. Formal doesn''t have to mean stuffy; you could definitely make it formal in a contemporary way.

Though, like NEL mentioned, parking is a consideration. If the beach house would be a ''destination'' for many of your guests in the sense that they would require hotel rooms to attend, then you could potentially mitigate some of that by offering a shuttle from the hotel to & from the beach house.


It''s not fair of him to expect you to plan a large wedding that HE wants. Particularly because you both have very demanding careers. A wedding is a lot of work! If you two are going to compromise, he needs to pitch in and do some of the planning too. If he doesn''t participate or do any work, then I personally don''t think he should get much say. He can''t make you bust your butt for months and then just saunter in the day of!

 

[lala2332]

haha...thanks absolut blonde!

that exactly what I feel like.

I could easily have 150 at the house/backyard. Both are quite large. Plus it has a really pretty pool....i can just imagine having tables set up around the pool for people to eat and then a dancefloor out on the grass and guests would be able to walk out on the beach if they wanted to.
I was thinking shuttle as well. I want the reception to be so fun! dancing and drinking to the max, so I would want to offer a shuttle...no drinking and driving!!! i don''t think it would be a problem. Where our house is has major security at the gate, so it would probably be easier for everyone to have a shuttle. than worrying that people remembered their passes!

I''m starting to think I could compromise and do inside ceremony at a church. After posting previously I found a couple of prettier churches of his denomination at the beach. PLus the guy who colonized the Methodist church in GA started it in the same area as my beach. So I could push the history aspect to him! haha!

I''m feeling better after venting a little bit. Thanks so much everyone!

Any more advice is appreciated as always!

 

[anchor31]

We pretty much had the same issue. Like NEL, he wanted large and formal, I wanted small and casual. We ended up planning something in the middle, although it''s going to be smaller than planned because we got so many "No" RSVPs. My advice would be to write down your respective dream weddings and try to find some middle ground, or mix different aspects of each together. I don''t think telling him his church is "ugly" is a very good idea...

 

[lala2332]

oops....I already did. Not quite that bluntly though!

I love gothic churches, and his is nothing like that. So, i think he knew I wouldn''t flip for it. oh well!