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Dilemma - How long do I wait before proposing?

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walmartshopper

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I''ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year. We''re together every minute we possibly can be. We are perfect for each other, and even after six months together, we were confident that we wanted to get married. I got her a promise ring for valentine''s day, and ever since, we''ve been seriously talking about marriage, future plans, etc. We''re so sure about getting married that we''ve looked at rings and I''ve already started the process of building an e-ring for her. All this goes to say that we''re more than ready to get married. But the problem is, our parents and everyone else don''t seem to be ready. When she first showed people the promise ring, she told them it was an e-ring just to test the waters. By judging some of the reactions, I think the consensus was that it''s too early. Her parents dropped the hint that we should wait, and I think they are assuming we will wait until we graduate from college. But that would be more than two years away! If we already know we''re ready, why wait another two years? I don''t think we could... we want to do it now! And we already have our jobs and finances set. So the problem is, we''re ready to get married and can''t think of any reasons to keep waiting. But at the same time, we don''t want everyone making comments about how we didn''t wait long enough. We spend almost all of our time together and not much with other people, so I don''t think anyone really understands how close we are and how mature our relationship is. So basically the only question holding us back from getting married now is "when will everyone else be ready?" On one hand, we know it''s important to honor the wishes of her parents. But it seems ridiculous to wait another two years with that being the only reason. And the longer we wait, the harder it will be to stay pure (we''re saving sex for marriage). Plus, she''s not very close to her parents in the first place. So where do we compromise? Is it really all that terrible to propose after dating a little over a year? I''m considering proposing early this summer, and planning the wedding for early next year. That way we can say we dated for two years before getting married, and she will be 21 by that time. Does that sound like a reasonable plan? I realize it''s hard to make a judgement without knowing more about our personal situations and relationship, and there are many more dynamics at play, but I''m just looking for general thoughts. Is there anything else we need to consider? How can we "prepare" our parents and friends for the idea that we might get married soon?

It will be especially hard to wait after I already have the ring, but I guess I''ll just show you guys and let that hold me over. I know she won''t find this site.

Sorry about the length and randomness of my thoughts... hopefully it all made sense. Thanks in advance for the help!
 
Why do your parents want you both to wait? Are you both done with school or will you be done with school by the time you get married? Will you have careers at least started? Where would you live?

Although, I personally think 21 is too young, I know for some it is not. My FI and I got engaged after 11 months together, so I don''t think proposing after a year is too soon. However, you are right we don''t know enough about your situation to really give you the best advice.
 
The "how long before engagement" issue has been discussed before, maybe that can help you. https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/the-right-age-to-get-married.36449/
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/age-and-the-length-youve-known-someone-matter.35311/

I also wanted to say that I can relate in the sense that I am young too (21 in early May, my boyfriend is 24) and will be graduating college in three years because of a school transfer. My boyfriend and I will celebrate our third anniversary next summer and we will be getting engaged sometime before the New Year, but we will wait until I graduate to get married (we''re thinking about eloping to Italy). I remember he started saying he knew I was the one five months into the relationship, about two years ago, and last year I started wondering: "If he already knows, why is he waiting?" and I got a little impatient. However, looking back on it, I''m not sure I would have been entirely ready to get engaged last year.

As for the parents issue, I plan on telling mine about the upcoming engagement this week and I don''t expect them to be overjoyed, but they''ll probably warm up to the idea when they know we intend to wait until my graduation before getting married. I don''t believe in basing decisions on your parents'' wishes, but I don''t think it''s wise to ignore their advice completely either. They''ve been there, and sometimes they do know best, whether we like it or not.

Something I''ve been learning since I started dating my boyfriend and started attending college is to be patient. Why wait two more years, you wonder? When I took the decision to transfer to a different college, I knew it would delay my graduation by a year and the marriage along with it, and I asked myself: What is a year in an entire life? Honestly, not much. We decided to wait until we''re married to move in together and I know it''ll be hard to wait, but it''ll probably be worth it in the end. I too hate to be asked "What''s the rush?", but I realize that sometimes it''s worth asking.

That said, I don''t believe there is a right age to get engaged/married. It''s a very individual thing. But I do believe in being patient and not rushing into thing because "why should we wait?". Maybe there''s a reason for it that you don''t see yet.

I''m sorry if it''s not what you wanted to hear, but I thought I''d offer my honest opinion as a fellow young adult.
 
I think a lot of the reactions that people have to relatively young couples getting engaged are based upon where they are/were in life at your age.

As a 22-year old senior in college, I''m pretty close to you in age, etc. A lot of my peers are pretty into the hook-up scene and casually dating different guys, and so the thought of that kind of commitment might scare them. Not because of you and your relationship, but in how it makes them think about how they''re not ready to be in your shoes.

Your parents'' are coming from a different perspective, but some things to keep in mind: First, you''re dating their little girl. The longer you date her before getting engaged, the longer they have to get used to the idea that she''s actually an adult. Second, college is a time when people are generally exposed to new ideas and new settings. Some people change a lot . They might want you to stay together long enough to make sure that if you change, you change in ways that compliment each other and don''t undermine the relationship, rather than drifting apart. (It''s pretty valid, in my opinion.)

Around a year ago, my mom would occasionally make comments that at 50 years old, she feels like she''s just now ready to begin making decisions that important. She''d also comment on how I''m just so young. (For reference, my BF and I had been dating for a little over a year at that point.) What really helped with her: I sat down and talked to her about her concerns, asked her how young she felt was too young, and what she thought is an appropriate length of an engagement for someone as young as I am. Nothing defensive, just trying to get her point of view. Between a year elapsing and us occasionally talking about it, she''s gone from being scared that I could get married to almost pressuring me!

One more thought -- sometimes you can''t please your parents, no matter what. Sometimes, you just have to do what works best for you. It''s your marriage and your life.

I don''t really have an answer to your actual question. (And I''m guessing that that''s not quite what you wanted to hear.) It''s such a personal thing, and different things seem to work best for different couples.

You''re asking "why wait," but on the flip side of that, "why rush?" You have your whole life ahead of you.
 

You''re asking "why wait," but on the flip side of that, "why rush?" You have your whole life ahead of you.



Blenheim couldn''t of said it better and it''s exactly what I was thinking. I know this is a very personal thing but if you have your whole life ahead of you what is the rush to get married?
Now I just turned 35 but when I was a junior in college I got engaged to my boyfriend of a year. Our families were entirely against it asking us what the hurry was. We weren''t in a rush for any reason other than we felt that this was it, we were meant for each other so why wait? This went on for quite sometime and in the end, out of respect for our parents whom we loved very much we decided that we would wait until after we graduated to get married. It was the best thing we could of ever done, what we found in those last few years was that as much as we loved each other and thought we were meant to be, there were still so many things we needed to find out about ourselves and each other. We grew together but what we found out is that we grew together as friends, not as lovers. We''re still great friends to this day. In my case I''m honestly glad we waited because for us, we had a chance to ''grow'' a little more and figure out what it was we really wanted out of life.
It''s a tough decision and a very personal one and I wish you all the luck. I wish I had better advice but I can only go on my past experience.
 
Welcome walmartshopper! --- hehe that sounds funny when you think about it! I think the other ladies have given you some great stuff to think about already.

I was wondering do you and your GF know why her parents would prefer for her to wait on marriage? Maybe there are some concerns other than the maturity of your relationship that they are concerned about. For example, if the two of you are both currently in college and have limited finances, will you be looking to your parents to pay or help pay for a wedding? Could there be financial concerns in the background? This might be a particular concern for them if they help her out with school costs or if they feel that the couple should be responsible for their own wedding costs and plans. Maybe they even want to be sure you concentrate on college and are not distracted by planning a wedding. Perhaps they are concerned that your college experiences will change you. I'm not saying that any of these are the reason, but from your post it isn't clear what their concerns are. I'm not sure if even you know why they are reluctant. It might be helpful to understand what they are worried about.

I too dated a guy I thought was the love of my life when I was 18 (a 2 year relationship all together), but by 21 I knew I was wrong. I'm not saying that this will be your experience, but it is something to think about because many people do a lot of growing and changing during their early 20's. After you finish college, there will be more changes once you both try to enter the work force or continue your educations (like moving to another city to meet your goals).

In the end it is really up to you and your GF, but take some time to think about all the things you will be doing in the very near future (in the next 2 years). I think you will agree that you will both have a lot on your plates without the addition of planning a wedding and beginning a marriage. It is by no means impossible to do all these things simultaneously, but please consider the stress that may come up especially when it sounds like you may add family complications into the mix if you decide to get married soon.

I am 25 and have been dating my BF for 4.5 years. We knew we wanted to have a future together after about 2 years, but we decided to postpone a marriage until we both finish our second degrees and start our careers. Sometimes the wait is frustrating, but it is the most practical option for us. I have to be sure to balance my head with my heart. I just think about the fact that I will have the rest of my life to be married to my love, so I can wait for another year or two when I know that the timing is better and we will be able to build a brighter future together. Just some food for thought!!!
 
sorry double post!!!
 
I agree with what everyone here has said, and I don''t really have anything new to add. I just wanted to let you know that I have totally been there. My boyfriend and I have been together six years, and while I know an engagement is going to happen within the next few months, there are definitely times when I wish I had already gotten married years ago. Even if you do decide to propose, (which only you can decide is best for your relationship) I think it is a good idea to wait at least until you graduate to get married. That way you still have time to learn about each other. One of my friends got engaged after knowing his girlfriend for 3 months. They wanted to get married this spring, when he graduates, but then decided that they will wait another year until she graduates (next may). By the time they actually get married (fall 2007) they will have been engaged for over 3 years. While it doesn''t make sense to me to propose so quickly, I agree with waiting until the right time to get married. I hope that things go well for the two of you, and keep us posted!
 
WS, I think it''s great you two are "waiting until marriage." Good luck with the parents!
 
I would go ahead and get married. the parents will get over it. BUT they will stop paying tuition. too. So be prepared to make your own way. Financial aid is generous for married students.

Christians, BYU and other LDS (mormon) students get married young all the time.
 
LadyKemma, you are right on.
 
Even if you plan on going ahead and getting married regardless of what the parents think, I''d still talk to them. I was given some pretty good advice about talking to my mom that I think is applicable here. First, pick an appropriate time when there will be no interruptions and you really have time. There are two main ways to go the actual talk:

Method 1. Approach it from more of a sharing perspective. You know that they''re concerned and value their opinion, so you''d appreciate if they''d share with you their specific concerns. At the same time, you want to share with them why you want to do this.

Method 2. Approach it from a "This is our lives and we''re going to do what''s best for us, and we need for you to understand that" perspective.

Method 1 can often bring you closer and they may bring up things you hadn''t considered. For example, Mimikins24 brought up the possibility of financial concerns. You could try to alleviate whatever fears they might have. You can always resort to Method 2 if need be. Starting with Method 2, however, risks alienating them. By the way, "you" means you, her, both, whatever you think would work best. I''m not really sure.

Part of the reason why I''m urging you to talk to them is because of personal experience. My aunt and uncle decided that they were going to get married regardless of what her parents thought, eloped, and then her mom wouldn''t talk to them for ten years. This is really extreme, but I think it''s worth at least trying to get them to support you.
 
My girl and I are waiting til we''re married, too. And that does make it harder, to a degree. I think age can play a part in what other people think about what a "reasonable" time frame is to date prior to being engaged.

My girl and I are in our late or mid 20s, and while we''ve been together almost a year, we already have people (and have had since September, I''d say) asking when we''re going to get married.

The thing is, I''d want to be sure my girl''s family was supportive of it, because while marriage is about two people becoming one, it''s also about not losing everyone else in the process.

You said the two of you spend time together, and very little with anyone else. That''s a little scary, in my opinion. In the midst of the "butterflies in your stomach" love, you want to engulf yourself in that person, but as that wanes and turns into a more comfortable, stable love, you see that time spent with others, or just with yourself, is important, too.

Don''t get me wrong... I''d choose time with my girl over anything else in a second, but I also know I need to maintain other relationships. Just something to think about.

I''m glad to hear of another man who''s willing to wait... Instant gratification is nice, but showing the girl you love that she means so much that you want to do it the right way, well that says so much.
 
Thanks to everyone for all the great advice so far! It''s really encouraging to hear from everyone.

There are a few things I should say about our situation that I think make us different from the average young college couple. First of all, my gf''s parents kicked her out of the house a year before I met her and left her with absolutely nothing. She didn''t receive a dime of support from them, and so she was forced to transistion from minimal responsibility to being completely on her own with no help... literally overnight. She lived in poverty for the year, and then ended up in school, which is where we met. I started bringing her back to church and helped her get things back on track. She now has an apartment and recently bought a car, and has a great part time job working with autistic kids. I''ve been amazed to see how God took that rough time in her life and used it to transform her into an amazing and godly woman with maturity and wisdom beyond her years.

I, on the other hand, am in a completely different situation. My parents are awesome, and I still live with them. But they are out of town most of the time, usually for weeks at a time, so I''ve had the experience of living on my own to some extent. My dad and I have a business at home where we run a training website for oil pipeline companies. The website I created is bringing in 6-figures for the family, and I get a percentage of it. So I''m already making a good salary and only having to work 2 or 3 hours a week. I''m also the main computer/network guy at my church, which is a great part time job and great experience. And on top of all that, I''m not having to make any school, car, or rent payments.

So here''s the thing... I can honestly say (not trying to brag or anything) that my gf and I are both very mature for our age. I know college is when many people go through big changes and "discover themselves," but we are both beyond that stage in life. We already know who we are and what we want to do with our lives. Many people our age still have no idea what they want to do when they graduate, but my gf and I have known for years and we already have a head start on our career paths. With a computer science degree, I shouldn''t have any problems finding work, and my dad''s business will always be there to fall back on. So the finance issue is well covered, and we are not aimless college kids who are trying to find their purpose in life. These seem to be the most common reasons for not getting married in college, and we have them covered.

We also keep Christ at the center of our relationship, and it''s amazing how much that helps us. Her relationship with with God makes her so much more attractive! We have great communication and hide nothing from each other. All our deepest and darkest secrets have been laid out on the table. We''re 100% comfortable around each other... she farts just as much as I do, and I love it. And on top of all that, we''re best friends.

I have no doubt whether we''re ready for marriage, but I guess the question is more how to prepare our friends and parents for the idea of us getting married. I know my parents would be supportive of it, and I think her parents would be ok with it after warming up to the idea. She is on better terms with her parents now, but we still don''t see them very often. I don''t think they even know how long we''ve been together. But I think after discussing it with them a little, they would approve.

I''m so happy that I''ll soon get to start a new family with the girl of my dreams and to love her forever. Just thinking about all this stuff gets me all excited. So I apologize again that this was so long. I just needed to let out some thoughts and whatnot. Hopefully this helps paint a more complete picture of our situation... but as always, there''s so much more to it than I can write here!
 
walmartshopper,

I was assuming that the two of you were having the quintessential college experience, with mommy and daddy funding it at least in part. I''m so sorry to hear that she''s been through that much. It sounds like you had to grow up earlier than most people.

I agree with arg&stuff that you really don''t want to try to lose people in the process, especially your friends. I''d say not to care about her parents as much -- they did throw her out of the house and force her into (temporary) poverty -- but you can also try to look at it as an opportunity to reconcile.

Relatively recently, one of my classmates got engaged to a guy she had been dating for a year. I''ll be honest with you -- there was some "what was she thinking" talk, and a couple of people (whose opinions I don''t really respect) talked about how she was ruining her life. The "what was she thinking" group came around pretty quickly, after the initial shock wore off I guess, and is pretty supportive. As for the other group, well, why would you want friends like that?

Didn''t say this earlier, but I think that the ring that you designed is absolutely gorgeous.
 
Thanks! The ring is paid for and in progress now. I''ll post pics of the wax when I get it!

YAY today is her birthday!
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I also agree that friends shouldn''t be left behind, and both of our friend situations are a little unusual too. We don''t get to spend much time with our friends, but the same would have been true even if we we''rent dating. Neither one of us really likes socializing (although I admit she''s better at it... I''m a computer nerd.
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) . We''re the kind of people that have a few really close friends rather than many different friends. I have 4 close friends that I still hang out with. But the problem is, 3 of them went away to school and I only see them when they come back to town for a weekend. The 4th friend is in the fire academy, and we''re always busy at different times, so I see him maybe every two weeks. And since we don''t see each other much, it makes it a little more awkward to talk about serious stuff. Usually when I''m with him, we''re doing something adventurous like rappelling off a bridge. BTW, I live in Bakersfield, and most people try to get out of here as fast as they can after high school (You just have to be creative to have fun here, like rappelling off bridges). So many of the high school friends I had are now gone. My girlfriend''s situation is a little different. She moved here about 3 years ago from a small town about an hour away. She spent her senior year at a new high school and made a few close friends, but they went away to college. And then she''s been with me through most of her college career so far, so she hasn''t really been out and about trying to make friends. She''s picked up a few friends through classes, but none that she feels really close to.

Since we both lost our close friends, we''ve just been hanging out together all the time. Both of us are completely satisfied with each other''s friendship and company, plus we''re not very social in the first place. So we really haven''t been out making friends. Recently though, we''ve been going to a new young adults Bible study at our church and have been meeting some really great new people. There is a young married couple that leads it, and they are only a few years older than us. We''ve kinda "clicked" with them because they are very similar to us in many ways, even including their backgrounds. I think we''ll talk to them about it, and there are also many other people at our church that we could talk to for advice.

So what do you guys think now after hearing everything I''ve said so far? Propose in the summer? That would be about a year and a half of dating before I did it, and I really believe we''re one of those couples that can get married young and early with absolutely no regrets. So I don''t think it''s unreasonable for us. I guess the next step is to start preparing our friends and family by discussing it and whatnot. They''ll have a few months to get used to it before I even propose. So who thinks I should go for it this summer, and who thinks I should wait longer?
 
Date: 3/1/2006 9:28:29 PM
Author: ladykemma
I would go ahead and get married. the parents will get over it. BUT they will stop paying tuition. too. So be prepared to make your own way. Financial aid is generous for married students.
Click to expand...

Her parents haven''t paid for a penny of her school, so nothing new there. I bet she would get better financial aid and have less loans to pay off afterwards if we did get married. My parents, on the other hand, are the kind of people who plan for the future and save money and whatnot. They''ve already committed to paying for my college at any school no matter what happens. I''m going to Cal State Bakersfield though, and it''s dirt cheap compared to most other schools. So I really don''t think this would be a problem for us.
 
I say go for it now!!! Why wait until summer??? Sounds like you both have this very well thought out, and know each other well...besides it''s not how long you''ve been with someone that makes a successful marriage, it''s the level of committment. So congratulations!!! It sounds like y''all will have a wonderful life together!!!

Amyg
 
Alright I have to jump in! I was raised LDS (mormon) I know....a bit bizarre, an asian Mormon, but still.

A lot of the kids I hung around with when I was young got married at 20, 21, and now have 3-4 children. Now although I was raised Mormon, I was also raised Vietnamese and there was a tremendous emphasis placed on education. *Typically* LDS woman are not encouraged to have ambitious careers. Their role is much more maternal and child oriented. I personally think (for myself) that 21 is too young HOWEVER, most of the LDS marriages work out without divorce so I can''t say that these marriages fail.

HOWEVER, I will question the happiness and the reasons for these marriages staying together. Four out of my six friends (the females) have admitted to me that they are overwhelmed by their children and their responsibilities and feel that they grew up much too fast. There''s a feeling that they missed out.

Now evidently, if you''re not planning on having children right away, it puts a whole different slant.

I believe that in terms of time, at a young age, you should wait at least 2 years. I think you might know before hand, but I think there''s nothing wrong with waiting an extra year to be extra sure. After all, marriage is suppose to be for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. This is what I say, " One extra year compared (as a ratio) to the rest of your life is very, very small" What''s a 2:50 ratio?
 
Like your girlfriend, my parents told me I was on my own after highschool graduation. So I had to go from 0-60 taking care of myself and it definitely left me a bit shell shocked and the first year just about destroyed my confidence in myself. I had been with my boyfriend since our senior year of high school and he was amazingly supportive through everything and neither of us had any doubts we wanted to be married.

But the problem was our "plans" never panned out. Tuition raises at school, car problems and my boyfriend getting laid off (twice) had us scrambling for money. He''s a java programmer and the market here has just not been stable.

Through all these rapid changes neither of us felt... confident might be the best word I guess, about getting married. My only comment would be to make sure she feels as confident as you do about being sure of herself and her plans and goals as well as her ability to reach them. Just from personal experience, I wasn''t ready when I was in the same place she was even though I had no doubts about my boyfriend. I wasn''t sure of me yet. I knew what my goals were, but I didn''t have the confidenece that comes with having actually reached some of those goals. Having a plan is not the same as living the plan.

Other than that, people like to talk and they will talk regardless of what you do. So just do what you feel is right and the rest of the world will come around eventually. Good luck!
 
We also keep Christ at the center of our relationship, and it''s amazing how much that helps us. Her relationship with with God makes her so much more attractive! We have great communication and hide nothing from each other. All our deepest and darkest secrets have been laid out on the table. We''re 100% comfortable around each other... she farts just as much as I do, and I love it. And on top of all that, we''re best friends.

***
That is awesome, man. My girl and I are the same way. I''ve never had the level of comfort that she and I share. It''s so evident that God brought us together, and is working in our relationship, and teaching us how to love sacrificially, with love, come what may.

There were times when she really got into "freak out" mode because it''s hard for her to open up in new relationships, and it shocked her how fast real, true, life changing feelings took hold for her in our relationship, and spending time in prayer for one another, and reading the Bible together... well, it really helped us get our priorities straight, and it helped her find comfort in knowing my intentions were nothing more than to love her, as honestly and purely as possible.

I''m glad you''ve found that sort of love... Sadly, I think SO many people never do. Age is always going to be a factor for some people, dude. It really is. Pray, seek counsel, and enjoy the gifts of God. Treasure her, forever!!
 
reading the updates, it sounds good.

as for her parent''s approval, seems they abdicated and no longer have any "say".

I understand that you have a lucrative business run out of your parent''s home. as for living in your parent''s house it will be extremely important for you two to have your own space (read do NOT live in your parent''s home) after marriage. even if you have to rent the house next door or get a garage apartment down the street.

old hebrew tradition in the bible - the married couple went away for a time to establish themselves as a couple before they went back into their parent''s space.

oh, no kids for at least 4 years.
 
After reading your story and how grounded and mature you both are, I can''t believe anyone who knows you would object to you getting maried. You relationship totally seems like a God thing and if He so clearly brought you together your parents should see that. All I can say is pray about it and follow the path that the Lord put before you and you can''t go wrong.

Good luck to you both!!
 
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