Dillema

[cindygenit]

Hello guys,

help me! One of my MOH and bestest girlfriends has asked me to invite her boyfriend to my wedding.

Trouble is, this bf of hers, lets call him R, is not really on good terms with me. I accept him (sort of) as my friend''s bf but that''s it. I have no contact with him whatsoever.

=((( what should i do? I don''t want to hurt my MOH''s feelings. I LOVE her to bits!!!

 

[cindygenit]

Ok, just to clarify... "not on good terms with me" is not really accurate

He is the reason why there is a one year period where my MOH and I weren't talking. I made my feelings about him very clear and she took his side. Obviously it's rude not to invite him... but it is MY big day after all, and i only want to invite people that I care about and love dearly.

I'm scared that if i didn't invite him, my MOH is gonna boycott the wedding and end our friendship!!

 

[Dannielle]

How long have they been dating?

I think that if they are in a serious relationship and have been dating for a considerable amount of time you should consider inviting him but if they haven''t been together long just be upfront with your friend and tell her you don''t have the space or budget to accomodate for people you and your FI don''t know very well.

I find that honesty is usually the best policy

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 7/2/2009 1:48:34 AM
Author: Dannielle
How long have they been dating?

I think that if they are in a serious relationship and have been dating for a considerable amount of time you should consider inviting him but if they haven''t been together long just be upfront with your friend and tell her you don''t have the space or budget to accomodate for people you and your FI don''t know very well.

I find that honesty is usually the best policy

They''ve been together for almost two years... on and off... He broke up with her to "spend more time with his mates" and then begged his way back into her life...

I suppose i should invite him them...

 

[cara]

What did he do to offend you? That matters.

If MOH and her BF are in a serious relationship and other people are allowed to bring their SO's of similar status, you aren't allowed to not invite him just because you don't care for him. While ideally only people that you love and care about will be at your wedding, in reality you are supposed to invite certain people for social reasons. Your mother's new husband for example. Aunt Mildred whom you never liked and always called you by the wrong name, if you are inviting the other Aunts.

If the BF was abusive to you, is dangerous to others, has publicly insulted or assaulted your fiance, for example, you may have cause to exclude him but *generally* if you have forgiven him socially for long-past transgressions at other recent events, you should continue the peace treaty for your wedding. If his behavior is or was more permanently disqualifying, in your opinion, then your MOH's choice of partner may be the end of your friendship. As this is who she chooses to date, the quality of his character is a sign of hers.

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 7/2/2009 2:24:08 AM
Author: cara
What did he do to offend you? That matters.

If MOH and her BF are in a serious relationship and other people are allowed to bring their SO''s of similar status, you aren''t allowed to not invite him just because you don''t care for him. While ideally only people that you love and care about will be at your wedding, in reality you are supposed to invite certain people for social reasons. Your mother''s new husband for example. Aunt Mildred whom you never liked and always called you by the wrong name, if you are inviting the other Aunts.

If the BF was abusive to you, is dangerous to others, has publicly insulted or assaulted your fiance, for example, you may have cause to exclude him but *generally* if you have forgiven him socially for long-past transgressions at other recent events, you should continue the peace treaty for your wedding. If his behavior is or was more permanently disqualifying, in your opinion, then your MOH''s choice of partner may be the end of your friendship. As this is who she chooses to date, the quality of his character is a sign of hers.

I guess nothing really... it''s what he had done to my MOH. I think that my best friend deserves so much better, and she frequently calls me about things that he did which upsets her.

But you''re right of course, it''s her choice to date him and no matter how much i dislike him, he gets an invite to my wedding.

 

[SapphireLover]

If you have a tiny guest list, say 30 people, then say no. If its a bigger wedding, then sorry, he gets an invite.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think for one day you''ll be okay with him there. Honestly, my wedding day was such a blur and I was so in the moment, we had actual wedding crashers--and I totally had conversation with them, they are in pictures with me--and until after the wedding, I didn''t even realize. So, chances are you probably wont even be that effected by his presence...but she''ll be effected by his absence.

 

[stephbolt]

Date: 7/2/2009 2:30:23 AM
Author: cindygenit

Date: 7/2/2009 2:24:08 AM
Author: cara
What did he do to offend you? That matters.

If MOH and her BF are in a serious relationship and other people are allowed to bring their SO's of similar status, you aren't allowed to not invite him just because you don't care for him. While ideally only people that you love and care about will be at your wedding, in reality you are supposed to invite certain people for social reasons. Your mother's new husband for example. Aunt Mildred whom you never liked and always called you by the wrong name, if you are inviting the other Aunts.

If the BF was abusive to you, is dangerous to others, has publicly insulted or assaulted your fiance, for example, you may have cause to exclude him but *generally* if you have forgiven him socially for long-past transgressions at other recent events, you should continue the peace treaty for your wedding. If his behavior is or was more permanently disqualifying, in your opinion, then your MOH's choice of partner may be the end of your friendship. As this is who she chooses to date, the quality of his character is a sign of hers.

I guess nothing really... it's what he had done to my MOH. I think that my best friend deserves so much better, and she frequently calls me about things that he did which upsets her.

But you're right of course, it's her choice to date him and no matter how much i dislike him, he gets an invite to my wedding.

I think if this is the case - that you just don't like him/like him dating your friend, you should go ahead and invite him anyway. As others have said, you likely won't even notice he is there in the whirlwind of the wedding day.

I would think about it this way: Which is more likely to negatively affect your day - having one person there who you don't particularly care for, or having your best friend either not be there or be upset because her BF isn't there?

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/2/2009 8:25:41 AM
Author: stephbolt
I think if this is the case - that you just don''t like him/like him dating your friend, you should go ahead and invite him anyway. As others have said, you likely won''t even notice he is there in the whirlwind of the wedding day.

I would think about it this way: Which is more likely to negatively affect your day - having one person there who you don''t particularly care for, or having your best friend either not be there or be upset because her BF isn''t there?

steph - I totally agree. I would be upset if my partner was deliberaterly excluded from my best friend''s wedding.

Regardless of whether or not you like him, your BF has chosen him as her boyfriend so I would invite him even if I couldn''t stand him

 

[KimberlyH]

I would invite him. At some point, no matter how much we love our friends, we have to respect the choices they make and let them make what we may see as mistakes without interfering. He may not be the right guy for her, but you don''t get to choose her partner and excluding him will only cause a rift between the two of you. It sounds like she''s well aware of how you feel, so it''s time to let go of it and move forward for the sake of your friendship.

 

[SassyB]

I think it would be good for your relationship with MOH if you invite him. I understand you don''t like him due to the way he has treated MOH in the past. Be the bigger person, invite him and have a wonderful wedding day!
Don''t give him a second thought on YOUR day

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I think that if the problem is you don''t think he treats your MOH as well as she deserves, you should invite him. In one respect, I think many of us think our closest friends'' BFs should treat them better! We love our closest friends and of course want the best for them. But it doesn''t sound like this is a case of personal insult to you, so I would bite the bullet and let him come. if not to the ceremony, then at least to the reception.

Cara, I agree with pretty much everything you said. One addition: I think there are some situations (as you mentioned) where you can disregard social etiquette and not invite someone. In our case, BF and I have already discussed the issue of guests; when we get married, we will NOT be inviting his mother''s fiance (who will by then probably be her new husband), because that''s the guy she cheated on BF''s father with. In circumstances such as these, I think it''s appropriate to disregard etiquette.

In this particular instance, though, I don''t think MOH''s BF''s actions are egregious enough to not invite him and have that become a serious problem with yours and MOH''s friendship.

 

[mrscushion]

Sorry, but I think you gotta invite him. She''s your MOH and she''s chosen to be with him, so ... yeah, I think you need to do it.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Well as someone who went through this EXACT same thing.... let me give you my opinion.

My MOH was dating someone who I didn't really know and I didn't really want him coming to the wedding so I politely told her we weren't able to afford people to bring guests so he couldn't come. She threw a fit and didn't come the to wedding and we haven't spoken since, and probably won't ever again.

Now if I could go back and change this would I? Heck no!

Having just planned and had my own wedding, I feel like they really show you who your true friends are. If a girlfriend of mine is going to throw a fit and not even COME to my wedding because of a guy... Then she's not a true friend. I'm at a point in my life where I welcome opportunities to find out who my true friends are and who I can count on.

It's your day. Don't let ANYONE try to talk you (or guilt you) into something you don't want or aren't comfortable with. If this friend of yours honestly loves you and cares about you and is a good friend, she will be able to live without her boyfriend for one day. It's not that big of a deal.

 

[ms.halo]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:25:06 AM
Author: mscushion
Sorry, but I think you gotta invite him. She''s your MOH and she''s chosen to be with him, so ... yeah, I think you need to do it.

Ditto

 

[tlh]

Invite him, and seat him at some random table of mixed singles. (if you have a head table...)
You won''t see him all night. Trust me. It isn''t worth the fight.

 

[Inanna]

Perhaps I''m a total pushover of a bride, but I think each member of the bridal party should always be allowed a guest of their choosing.

Here''s why I feel this way - bridesmaids (and groomsmen) often have major expectations and responsibilities. In every wedding I''ve been a BM, I''ve easily spent $1000-2000 on each. Then there''s also hosting showers and bachelorette parties, and helping to assemble invites, giving constant advice and support... its a big commitment! Allowing your BMs a +1 seems seems like such a simple courtesy IMHO.

 

[teapot]

I totally agree with Cara and Italia.

For all that you are asking her to do, the least you could do is allow her to bring her bf. He might not want to go and will be a non-issue.

 

[honey22]

It's your wedding day! If you don't want to share it with him, then don't invite him. You shouldn't feel pressured by etiquette or what other people think, into inviting people you don't want there.

ETA - anyway, if he doesn't like you and you don't like him, and you both know it, why on earth would he want to come to your wedding? For free food and drink! Don't waste your money on him - people like this are only interested in a free night out, not sharing your special day, so IMO they shouldn't be there.

 

[LilyKat]

If it were a random friend, I''d probably say no. But she''s your Maid of Honor, and she''s been dating him 2 years. In my opinion, he gets an invitation. Sorry.

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 7/2/2009 1:57:02 PM
Author: Inanna
Perhaps I''m a total pushover of a bride, but I think each member of the bridal party should always be allowed a guest of their choosing.

Here''s why I feel this way - bridesmaids (and groomsmen) often have major expectations and responsibilities. In every wedding I''ve been a BM, I''ve easily spent $1000-2000 on each. Then there''s also hosting showers and bachelorette parties, and helping to assemble invites, giving constant advice and support... its a big commitment! Allowing your BMs a +1 seems seems like such a simple courtesy IMHO.

She is not doing anything for me, and i don''t expect her to. If she were to throw a bachelorette party, I would be paying for everything (cos she''s a student and barely has money). So what you said here doesn''t really apply.

Like I said, i will invite him only because my MOH wants him there. It''s gonna be a pain seating him since he won''t know anyone besides me and my MOH and my MOH''s family (who dislikes him)...Maybe i''ll just seat him with my MOH''s family )) LOL that''s gonna be hilarious

Honey22, If i were to do it my way, i wouldn''t invite him. My FI and I made a point to only invite people he and I are close to. Which is we are only inviting 40 people (approximately). But i''ll just send him an invite and hope he can''t make it!!

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:24:07 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling
Well as someone who went through this EXACT same thing.... let me give you my opinion.

My MOH was dating someone who I didn''t really know and I didn''t really want him coming to the wedding so I politely told her we weren''t able to afford people to bring guests so he couldn''t come. She threw a fit and didn''t come the to wedding and we haven''t spoken since, and probably won''t ever again.

Now if I could go back and change this would I? Heck no!

Having just planned and had my own wedding, I feel like they really show you who your true friends are. If a girlfriend of mine is going to throw a fit and not even COME to my wedding because of a guy... Then she''s not a true friend. I''m at a point in my life where I welcome opportunities to find out who my true friends are and who I can count on.

It''s your day. Don''t let ANYONE try to talk you (or guilt you) into something you don''t want or aren''t comfortable with. If this friend of yours honestly loves you and cares about you and is a good friend, she will be able to live without her boyfriend for one day. It''s not that big of a deal.

Thanks Ms.PearlDahhling

I know most people would say that i have to invite him, and like i said, i would, but deep down.... i really really don''t want to

 

[cara]

I think Pearl was right for her situation, and one is not *required* to invite guests or casual dating partners to weddings. Married people are social units, live-in domestic partners are usually social units, and you are supposed to jointly invite social units unless one half has done something really offensive. Many people choose to extend invites to fiances, girl/boyfriends, or nameless dates, but that is optional as long as they are reasonably consistent. Inconsistency hurts feelings, and etiquette is partly about saving face and avoiding hurt feelings and feuds.

I'll modify my original answer a bit and say that cindy has a bit of discretion because she is throwing a smaller wedding and can legitimately say that she has been exercising some guest list limits. If she is inviting the boyfriends and girlfriends of other guests, than this boyfriend should also be invited. If this is a travel wedding for her MOH, I think a little leeway on the guest would be nice (even if not strictly required), as it can be harder to travel alone without your SO given limited vacation time and whatnot. If neither of these apply (not a travel wedding, no other BF/GFs invited) then cindy can be hardnosed if she wants to and have a polite little heart-to-heart with her bestie, claiming that it is a small intimate wedding with a limited guest list and they aren't extending invites to people's dates just spouses. Or just spouses and fiances, etc.

But cindy needs to be prepared for a reaction like pearl's former MOH - not a pretty one! (Though the MOH that walked out was pretty childish.) Since cindy likes her MOH and sounds like she wants her in the wedding even if she dislikes her taste in men and thinks she should do better, cindy should suck it up and invite the guy. For cindy's own benefit - to stay close with her bestie and be there to help her stand up for herself and pick a better guy in due time, if we are thinking hopefully about the situation! This wedding is not the right time to take a stand on this guy being not good enough for her.

Good luck! And even with only 40 people, it should be enough for this guy to hide in the crowd.

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 7/2/2009 9:16:12 PM
Author: cara
I think Pearl was right for her situation, and one is not *required* to invite guests or casual dating partners to weddings. Married people are social units, live-in domestic partners are usually social units, and you are supposed to jointly invite social units unless one half has done something really offensive. Many people choose to extend invites to fiances, girl/boyfriends, or nameless dates, but that is optional as long as they are reasonably consistent. Inconsistency hurts feelings, and etiquette is partly about saving face and avoiding hurt feelings and feuds.

I''ll modify my original answer a bit and say that cindy has a bit of discretion because she is throwing a smaller wedding and can legitimately say that she has been exercising some guest list limits. If she is inviting the boyfriends and girlfriends of other guests, than this boyfriend should also be invited. If this is a travel wedding for her MOH, I think a little leeway on the guest would be nice (even if not strictly required), as it can be harder to travel alone without your SO given limited vacation time and whatnot. If neither of these apply (not a travel wedding, no other BF/GFs invited) then cindy can be hardnosed if she wants to and have a polite little heart-to-heart with her bestie, claiming that it is a small intimate wedding with a limited guest list and they aren''t extending invites to people''s dates just spouses. Or just spouses and fiances, etc.

But cindy needs to be prepared for a reaction like pearl''s former MOH - not a pretty one! (Though the MOH that walked out was pretty childish.) Since cindy likes her MOH and sounds like she wants her in the wedding even if she dislikes her taste in men and thinks she should do better, cindy should suck it up and invite the guy. For cindy''s own benefit - to stay close with her bestie and be there to help her stand up for herself and pick a better guy in due time, if we are thinking hopefully about the situation! This wedding is not the right time to take a stand on this guy being not good enough for her.

Good luck! And even with only 40 people, it should be enough for this guy to hide in the crowd.

Thanks cara you are so level headed and diplomatic.... are you a lawyer???

I''m going to be mean and sit him at my MOH''s family''s table. They HATE him LOL It''s gonna be a great wedding after all!!!

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:24:07 PM
Author: PearlDahhhling

It's your day. Don't let ANYONE try to talk you (or guilt you) into something you don't want or aren't comfortable with. If this friend of yours honestly loves you and cares about you and is a good friend, she will be able to live without her boyfriend for one day. It's not that big of a deal.

Pearl - If it's not that big a deal then why not invite him? If I really loved my friend I would put aside my personal thoughts about her bf for one day after all it's not about him

Cindy - Glad to hear you've resolved the situation - he may not even come

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 7/3/2009 8:58:13 AM
Author: Londongirl1

Date: 7/2/2009 12:24:07 PM

Author: PearlDahhhling


It''s your day. Don''t let ANYONE try to talk you (or guilt you) into something you don''t want or aren''t comfortable with. If this friend of yours honestly loves you and cares about you and is a good friend, she will be able to live without her boyfriend for one day. It''s not that big of a deal.

Pearl - If it''s not that big a deal then why not invite him? If I really loved my friend I would put aside my personal thoughts about her bf for one day after all it''s not about him

The OP stated that she really really didn''t want to invite him. In my opinion, on your wedding day, there shouldn''t be anyone there who you really really don''t want there. And your second sentence is proving my point exactly, just from the other persons point of view. If you really love a friend, you will put aside your personal thoughts about your boyfriend on that friends wedding day.