disappointed

[Blair138]

I am finding myself getting more and more disappointed with friends and family as our date nears.

3 of my ''best'' friends bailed on my bachelorette party, my FI''s good friend can''t make it to our wedding now, and I''m sure there''s more to come. I know that it won''t matter in the grand scheme of things, but I can''t help feeling disappointed that these people whom FI and I have dropped everything for, to be a part of their things are now bailing on us.

Does anyone else feel this way because it really sucks...

 

[galvana]

im sorry blair. i have found with wedding planning, and i dont mean to be negative...........but i have found that people really suck. LOL - can i say that here?
People that you thought you could count on, end up not being what you always assumed they would be. I''m with you and it hurts.

But FI and I have grown stronger as a couple during this process, yes its sad at times and bums us out, but it also has brought us so much closer and so much more a "team".
We were already but now we are even moreso.

I hate to sound negative, and i know - like you do - that your day with be beautiful - but yes, i have been feeling the same way you are at times during this process.

Im sending you some happy thoughts and love and I hope you are not too bummed out about this, if people want to do crappy things, let them.

try not to stress over what you can not control.

 

[Blair138]

Thanks IPLC. Unfortunately FI and I haven''t been seeing much of each other lately due to work and just plain busyness...it sucks and is making me more upset about things

 

[PearlDahhhling]

I can definitely feel ya on this one! I had two friends of mine bail on my shower/bachelorette party and just this weekend had one completely drop out of the wedding. So yeah, I completely get where you''re coming from. It''s really hard to be disappointed by people you thought you could count on for things (especially your wedding!) but I think weddings and things like this really show you who your true friends are and who you really can count on.

And I''ve had the same experience as iloveprincesscuts. FI and I have been bonding over all of this and becoming a stronger team. It''s taught us a lot, and I really think it''s brought us closer and definitely gotten us into some deep conversations about the kind of people we try to be and the kind of people we look forward to bringing our children up to be.

Major hugs and good luck!

 

[Blair138]

Thanks Pearl...I''ve been following your MOH saga...it stinks when people are like that who you thought were your friends...Just puts things into perspective

 

[Winslet]

I don''t have much to say other than I''m really sorry to hear this - I can imagine how bummed you must be feeling blair

I hope things start looking up and that there are no more disappointments between now and your wedding!

 

[Dannielle]

We are nowhere near our date yet, but already have had a few comments from people that make us say "Well.. they suck"

I find that atleast once a day either FI or I will reaffirm that we have each other and that is all we need to make our day special

 

[kama_s]

I''m sorry you''re going through this, Blair. It does suck, especially if it were the reverse order you would be bending backwards for them. I dont even know if my own mother will come, she sent in her RSVP but she''s known to just not show last minute (actually, that''s pretty much her style), so who knows if she''ll be there

People are just plain and simple self-absorbed.

Big bear hug from me. I know for a fact that this is going to be their loss, your wedding will be beautiful and special to you two with or without them.

 

[Blair138]

Thanks Winslet, Dannielle and Kama...

Kama-Sorry to hear that your mom would could possibly not show...I do keep reminding myself that we will have our families there and that is most important. I know not everyone works like me (or you ladies), but I feel like a wedding is one of the most important events and as someone''s friend/family member I would be there no matter what, barring natural disasters or other emergencies.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Wow Blair I totally just copied your post and didn''t realize it!! Lol. I am sorry! But I am sorry..I definitely understand how you feel.

 

[honey22]

Try not to let it get you down, and make sure you enjoy your time as a bride-in-waiting. You ARE going to have a fabulous day no matter what, you just need to keep telling yourself that.

When you look back, you will realise that the special people in your life were there to celebrate with you.

Cheer up sweetie!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Weddings will either bring out the best or the worst in someone.

I wasn''t a member of PS during the course of planning my own wedding--but if I had been, there would have been many threads expressing my frusteration with people who were serious disappointments when it came to showing up, helping or just being around in general.

Of course it''s sad to see people who you thought of as being one way turning out to be another way. And its esspecially hard when you''ve been their for them in past. And I don''t know if it''s jealousy or envy or frusteration on their part...but sometimes people just fall short of our expectations, and it hurts! But, Blair, try to focus on the really positive stuff--like marrying your FI, celebrating your love, and all the other wonderful people who surround you. Don''t let these feelings become a focus for you...let them pass through...but move forward. Don''t give them permission to taint your happy time and wonderful memories with their nonsense.

 

[CNOS128]

Aw, I''m sorry Blair. At least now you know who the good ones are.

My friends have been great throughout the whole process -- it''s my relatives who are obnoxious! (But I just keep reminding myself that I didn''t choose them). Wedding definitely bring out people''s craziness.

 

[kittybean]

Blair, I completely understand how you feel. One of my two maids of honor has been an absolute nightmare to deal with--not mean or anything, just impossibly flaky and self-centered. She used to be a wonderful, caring friend. It makes me so sad!

This said, what has made me feel better is just to ignore that person (or people) and their behavior, at least for the time being. Don''t let their actions (or lack thereof) take away from this wonderful time in your life. Enjoy preparing to marry the man of your dreams, and focus on the people that haven''t disappointed you.

 

[Bia]

I''m sorry Blair

 

[meresal]

Blair, I''m sorry you are going thru this. Just a quick question. How long is your time period from engagement to wedding date?

 

[teapot]

I felt the same way about some of my friends before and after my wedding. I found that the best thing to do was to not focus on the disappointment. Focus on all the good things. Some of my bm''s were dead weight, but my MOH kicked carried their weight. People are so selfish sometimes, the best thing to do is know that.

 

[Blair138]

Date: 5/12/2009 3:53:00 PM
Author: meresal
Blair, I'm sorry you are going thru this. Just a quick question. How long is your time period from engagement to wedding date?

A year, we got engaged in June 08... and we sent out save the dates in October, so people have had PLENTY of time to plan ahead.

Thanks for all of your replies everyone...italia you are so right about focusing on the positive stuff like getting married!!! I just can't help feeling disappointed! I know I will get over it but as many of you said, you know how I feel!!!

It's so nice to have friends on PS who I can 'talk' to

 

[kama_s]

Ugh. I feel you even more today, Blair. I have only invited a few handful of close friends to my wedding, and they''ve known the date for longer than a year. In fact, they made me write it on a post-it and put it on their desk at work. I just found out 2 of them can''t make it. One has a sorta genuine reason, the second can''t make it because her sister-in-law is coming down to visit her. While I know people shouldn''t need to change their plans because of me, I did hope that since I reserved that day a YEAR in advance, they would tell the OTHER plans that they already have some in place. Couldn''t her SIL fly down the next day?!

It just bums me out. I totally know how you''re feeling, I guess I gotta take my own advice and say that the wedding will be special to us no matter who attends.

Are you feeling any better today?

 

[tlh]

blair are these people that have already gotten married? I find those that are going through it themselves, or have been through the circus of planning a wedding, crazy in-laws, momzillas, your own freak outs, friends that bail and dissappoint - are more sympathetic. The single friends - (I''m talking on their tax returns here) that have not been through the hoops of planning a wedding, just see it as one day... not a year long whirlwind saga of emotions, and drama. Usually those are the friends who end up disappointing you in the end... because honestly, it is hard for some people to be THAT HAPPY for someone else, and as happy as they are for you... it just really doesn''t matter that much to them. It is just ONE DAY as you''ll hear repeated so many times.

When I was a BM for my SIL I didn''t have a CLUE what went into the wedding. I offered to help with NOTHING. I didn''t know I needed to. I didn''t look up on websites what would be expected of me.. etc. I figured if she needed something- she''d ask. I didn''t go to a single shower, though to be honest, none were thrown that I was invited to at least. A friend of the family tried to throw one, and she didn''t want it - because they were all my mom''s friends, and she was uncomfortable. I didn''t go to her bachellorette party, because I was working 70-80 hours a week - and was honestly tired. But my life was such a busy mess at the time anyway, that it never occured to me that it would be a huge insult. By the time I was on my way to the location, I was told by the MOH she was too drunk, and not to bother coming out, because they were taking her home. I still feel bad for not just leaving work early.. though easier said than done in a service industry. I honestly thought because I had the dress, and the shoes she wanted me to wear that was all I needed to do.. you know, get the outfit.. and SHOW UP. I didn''t think I was "on" until the rehearsal. I went, and it hit me like a ton of bricks - my baby bro is getting married. I didn''t stop crying (happy tears) until we walked down the aisle in the processional. It never occured to me to HELP with anything, arrangements, inviatations, ANYTHING. It didn''t mean I didn''t love them. I DO. It didn''t mean I didn''t care, I did. I had NO CLUE what went into a wedding until after going through it myself. As I went though my own wedding planning process I felt really bad as my friends just seemed to NOT CARE - and the guilt that I probably gave that same impression to my sister in law.

So ultimately, just because your friends may disappoint you... it may simply be because YOU haven''t asked them to help - and honestly, they don''t understand what really goes into a wedding... or what is or was expected of them.

Then there is the rest of it - the stuff you forget to ask your friends about their own lives, and they don''t want to burden you with because you''ve become all consumed with the wedding. I''m currently in a melodrama of the sorts as a BM. I live a 3 hour flight away. I dont have the time off from work left and I am in arrears from my own wedding and honeymoon, and I have take unpaid time off just to attend the Thursday Rehearsal Dinner through wedding. I am not complaining, because HELLO, I WANT TO BE THERE. But I may not be able to fly in for the shower or bachelorette party. I also don''t tell her that another friend is wanting me to be in his wedding - that i will also have to travel to and take time off for... and of course, now budget for. People don''t want to hear that their wedding is NOT the biggest thing in the world to anyone else... especially when being a part of it costs so much. (At least for me.) I don''t tell my friends, jeez, because I''m coming in and being a part of your weddings, my Dh and I don''t get that trip to Australia I wanted to take. It doesn''t occur to them the sacrafices WE ARE making just to be apart of their special day, because IT IS SO IMPORTANT to us. What makes me sad is knowing that they think we could be doing more.

Now I''m not saying that you are alone in what you''re feeling. I was there too. It sucked. My best friend didn''t take any time off of work, was LATE to the rehearsal, and really wasn''t all that awesome during the week of the wedding. I didn''t expect much, any other time... but it was just sad. People show their colors at weddings, and some people REALLY SUCK! But I just wanted to give you a different side to take back and look at something. Man, I feel sooo bad about my SIL''s bachellorette party - you have no idea... but you know what? Out of all the girls THAT DID GO to her party, I''m the only one she even talks to anymore. Granted I''m family, but it is more than that... I really am HER FRIEND. So, just take a step back and remember, sometimes people really DO want to be there, and there is other stuff they aren''t talking about to you,because they don''t want to bother you with the drama of their own... since you have enough with the wedding.

OMG, that was long. I''m sorry.

 

[Blair138]

tlh-Maybe I wasn''t clear, none of these people, with the exception of FI''s friend have been asked to DO anything. All I asked of them was to be at the events. It is not a reluctance to help, it is the fact that they knew far in advance when things were (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) WAY in advance of invites being sent out because they are my good friends. They are the friends that I would expect would be there. I understand that life happens, but their excuses are not emergencies or even mini-emergencies. They are just other things to do. THAT is why I am upset, I am not the bridezilla "look at me, look at me" but dammit, if you can''t be selfish when it comes to your wedding when can you be? All I wanted was my friends to be at my b-party and for FI''s friend to be a part of the wedding. I guess it''s too much to ask of some people.

Kama-I feel better I guess, it''s just sad, that''s all

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I''m sorry Blair

I can kind of sympathize. I only have 2 bridesmaids (no MOH), and one of them just told me they can''t make the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, or bachelorette party because she''s starting her 3rd year of med school and she''s on surgical rotation that day. I''m a little sad because I would skip a day of rotation if I was her bridesmaid (I would just call in sick if I had to, lol), but I understand that she''s not comfortable with it. (She''s very shy and grade-conscious, not devious like me, haha). Still, I''m a bit disappointed, I haven''t ask for help for anything at all, but I did kind of expect her to make it for rehearsal.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/13/2009 7:26:35 PM
Author: Blair138
tlh-Maybe I wasn''t clear, none of these people, with the exception of FI''s friend have been asked to DO anything. All I asked of them was to be at the events. It is not a reluctance to help, it is the fact that they knew far in advance when things were (bachelorette party, shower, wedding) WAY in advance of invites being sent out because they are my good friends. They are the friends that I would expect would be there. I understand that life happens, but their excuses are not emergencies or even mini-emergencies. They are just other things to do. THAT is why I am upset, I am not the bridezilla ''look at me, look at me'' but dammit, if you can''t be selfish when it comes to your wedding when can you be? All I wanted was my friends to be at my b-party and for FI''s friend to be a part of the wedding. I guess it''s too much to ask of some people.

Kama-I feel better I guess, it''s just sad, that''s all

ah, I guess it was a little bit of my guilt coming through really... I still feel bad about the SIL thing... and I was in town... not out of town like I am now.

But you have every right to feel that way, the bachelorette party, is the time when the FRIENDS really show you a good time, and express their excitement for the fact that a dear friend has found the love of their life and is getting married. They can be from a small brunch, to an elaborate night on the town w/ naughty favors... it doesn''t matter the style, but you are right, it does matter the attendence. The wedding, is a celebration of the act, but you don''t get that alone time w/ the bride or groom like you do at the other parties... But I understand, for flimsy excuses, it really just shows jealousy and the lack of support that sometimes people are selfishly capable of. I understand your disappointment, and I''m sorry if it came across like you were a skitso bridezilla... (I''ve dealt with a few IRL in the past!) that wasn''t my intention at all.

HUGE HUGS!!! I''m glad you''re feeling a teensy bit better, but you''re right, it is hard not to feel slighted when a planned party gets skipped because... eh... something came up. THAT SUCKS. Again, I''m sorry.

 

[Blair138]

Don''t worry tlh, I didn''t think that''s what you meant

though I did want to clarify that these girls weren''t asked to do anything so that is why I was expecting this out of them...but alas, they are coming to the wedding and I am happy about that

 

[wishful]

I know how you feel Blair.
DH and I have thrown quite a few parties (for things like his 40th B-day and NYE) and it is amazing how I ened up feeling like I was almost browbeating people to come to the party! I mean it''s a PARTY people!!!!

So when we threw a party in honor of our wedding (which we had in Belize with no guests) I was fully prepared for the same sort of thing. Overall we were pleasantly surprised by how many people said they''d come. But we did have a couple "day of" cancelations which I thought was pretty rude. One of them was DH''s brother who flew in for the party but he had an ok excuse - got food poisioning the night before and was super sick.

The thing that made me more irritated than anything was the people who got invitations and never RSVP''d at all. I mean really?

I think that''s just plain rude when someone is trying to plan a party and pay for food and alcohol etc.

But if it''s any consolation...you will probably only spend a total of 30 seconds with each guest....at least that''s about how long we felt we did! Hahaha!!!!! It''s a whilrwind!!!

 

[newbie124]

Blair, I totally know how you feel.

Only ONE of FI''s relatives (other than his brother and parents) came to our wedding...and this was out of 13 couples invited on his side. He also had a "close" friend who gave kind of a lame excuse at the last minute for not coming to the wedding and then also bailed on the bachelor party after saying he was going to make it to that. He hasn''t even bothered to say congratulations since we got back.

There were also a few others that couldn''t make it for whatever reasons so we went from expecting around 70 guests to having only 48 attend.

HOWEVER, in the end, we had a great time with all of the people who did show up. Although we did genuinely miss a few of those who couldn''t come, in some ways it actually worked out nicer not having a lot of those other people there (there I said it).

You really do see who your true friends and family are and it made us even more grateful and appreciative of those who did make the effort to attend.

So while I don''t fault you for feeling bad, try (hard as it might be) to concentrate more on those who are going to be there for your big day and think about how much love those people have for you....And the next time any one of those other so called "friends" asks something of you, well there''s your opportunity to come up with an equally lame and sorry excuse.