Divorced Parents, Separate Weddings?

[Independent Gal]

So, I was just talking to my mom, and I made a joke about the upcoming engagement. And so she, just as my father had, asked ''where would you get married?'' since she, dad, FF''s parents, and FF & I each live in a different country. As the conversation progressed, she made pretty clear that she would not have a good time if she was at the same wedding that my dad was at. We''d already been planning on having two separate parties, since our friends are spread across two continents and we don''t want them to have to travel so much. But now it''s clear that my mom would much prefer that my dad have one wedding for us, and she''ll have the other, but they don''t want to be at the same wedding with my dad.

Needless to say, it, uh... through me for a bit of a loop. I was a little upset. But I guess there''s some wisdom in it. I''ve rarely been in the same room with mom and dad since I was 4 or so, but whenever I have, it has been NOT FUN. I''m pretty sure that I and everyone else would have a better time if the families were separate. But it just feels weird somehow. Or unfair that it has to be this way.

Has anyone ever heard of this? Divorced parents and two separate weddings?

 

[door knob solitaire]

Sweetheart,

I have never been in that situation. So I realize my opinion/view may not be on target here.

But frankly if these TWO fruitloops can''t get their act together for YOU for just one day...I would glady tell each of them they are welcome to rent a rooms seperately and you will feed them a live video of the event. This is one of the most special days in your life. There will be others, and there will be a time a grandchild is born and you aren''t going to reinact that event twice because two adults can''t put their silliness aside for the benefit of their beloved daughter.

This is their thing...not yours. One world, one continent, one day, and one event with an open invitation to both and wish that they both be there-and you are done. If you want 50 partys do them. Show the wedding video over and over. You might even enlist someone with video photoshop skills and cut out your mother and place your father in the same place...(sounds silly doesn''t it?)

Sounds to me as if you have had to jump through hoops your entire life...at least since you were 4. Birthdays, holidays, gatherings...put the hoop out and let them do some jumping. They just might suprise you and be adults. Try it.

Honey, there are too many things for you to coordinate. Too many fun details to planning a wedding. Focus on those. This is the next step to the rest of your happy life. Give yourself the RIGHT to have peace on this one special event. It is OK to take the reigns-this is your day!!! Rejoice and be glad in it!

DKS

ok board...throw the tomatoes at me! I am ready!!

 

[Gypsy]

My parents are divorced and do NOT get along.

However, I have made it clear on special occasions (like my graduation from law school) that if they love ME... they will set aside their differences, put on thier big kid pants for a day and BEHAVE.

So I'm sorry if this sounds harsh Indy, but I would just tell them that if they love you, they can suck it up and act like grown ups and parents for a day instead of brattish children.

Keep in mind that this subject is a sore one for me in terms of personal experience, so I might be harsher than normal, but the thought of two adults not being able to behave for 8 hours because they are too wrapped up in their own selfish, childish little trauma's is maddening to me.

Incidentally my parents did manage to behave. Even my step dad and my father put on a good face and got along.

ETA: We had a trial run the evening before the graduation at dinner. I told both of them privately that if the dinner didn't go well, who ever was at fault might as well pack their bags and leave cause they wouldn't be attending the graduation. You can do that with the rehersal dinner. Whoever loses it, leaves.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Oh sweetie. This is so much like my parents. My heart just hurts for you, and for Gypsy, and for myself and all the others who have had so much pain in our lives because our adult parents can''t manage to act like adults when it comes to each other. Mine also got divorced when I was 4 and have been making it miserable ever since, except for my mom, who went into therapy and cleaned up her act significantly while I was in high school. She''s not perfect, but she''s so much better than she was. My dad and stepmom, on the other hand...well, I won''t threadjack, but rather, will share my wedding experience in the hopes that it might help you work through yours.

We couldn''t have afforded to have two weddings - it was a tight budget for one. When my DH and I got engaged, none of the parents (mine or his) were thrilled - they all thought we were too young and might be rushing things. But, when the news had had some time to set in and they all had some time to watch us together, his parents and my mom really pulled together and started being very helpful and supportive and loving in the planning process. My father pretty much ignored that it was happening, except to grumble about the very few things I asked him to do (get fitted for a rental tux which he didn''t have to pay a CENT for because we covered it, for example), and my stepmother tried to help with things but always imposed her own opinion and only wanted to hear about the things she was interested in and then act hurt if I didn''t want to do those things exactly her way. On the day of my wedding, my mother, my FIL, my MIL, DH''s grandparents, were all glowing with happiness for us, as were all of our other friends and family. My father and stepmother, however, were basically balls of negativity. I didn''t even notice it as much until I saw the pictures - 1000 shots, in which 95% of the people had huge grins in every shot, and not a single one of them smiling. My stepmother chased down and yelled at my MOH (also my best friend since age 12 who I love dearly) for doing something I asked her to do because stepmom thought it was inappropriate!! My father came up to me at the reception and said to me "XX (stepmom''s name) says we can''t leave until I dance with you," then danced with me without talking to me or looking at me and turned abruptly to leave as soon as the song was over. I could go on and on, but I won''t.

I will tell you a few important things I learned from this experience:

1. A wedding will bring out a family''s true colors, whatever they are. My mother and my FIL and MIL and many other people showed how much they truly loved and cared about my DH and our happiness. I felt surrounded by love and support and admiration and it meant, and still means, the world to me. And it was obvious to everyone who attended events the weekend of my wedding how unnecessary the behavior of my father and stepmom was - several people commented on it, and everyone saw it. And they were the only ones who ended up looking bad because of it.

2. You can''t control how your parents act, only how you respond to it. I knew my father and stepmom probably wouldn''t pull it together to behave properly at my wedding. I had hoped it might be different, but even knowing it was unlikely I decided it was worth it to me to have them there. In retrospect I''m not sure I''d make that same choice again. Right now I barely speak to or see them, because it just isn''t worth it to me to have all of that hurt and judgment and negativity in my life when I have so many people who love me.

3. It still hurts. Please try to remember to focus on the people who are able to put aside their own issues and truly be happy for you - it sounds like there are a lot of those, and they are what make your wedding day and your life special.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision about your wedding - please try to make it based on what you and your FH want, not what your parents want. Gypsy is totally right that if you don''t stand up them they will never have the opportunity to show you that they are capable of acting like adults. But also please don''t build up expectations of them being able to do that - some people can and some can''t and I know you can''t help caring, but please try to protect yourself from the hurt as much as possible.

Good luck.

 

[Independent Gal]

Aw, thanks everyone. It really, really helps hearing about others' experiences though I admit it kinda chokes me up a little.

The thing is, they WILL behave if I ask them to. If I said 'No, we are only having one wedding and we want everyone to be there to celebrate with us', they absolutely would, and no one would make a scene or anything and I know they'd be happy for us. They all came to my Ph.D. graduation, for instance. The thing is, at that event, I could smell the tension and discomfort from my mom the whole time. She just doesn't like to be near my dad and can't relax around him. So, they would all behave, but I would know that my mom was uncomfortable and unhappy. My dad, on the other hand, seems sort of oblivious. To the point where he didn't understand why he and mom (and their partners) couldn't ALL stay with me in my 1 bedroom apartment for my Ph.D. grad.

To him, a couple of wives later, everything with my mom is ancient history.

To mom's credit, we were talking about having the party at her HOUSE, which would mean having dad and his wife and his various other 'litters' of kids at her house. Which I guess is a little different. And she did say 'If you got married at the city hall, we could just have separate parties at restaurants afterward!'

Yeah. We could. But the point was to have the party in her beautiful 5 acre garden.

And then there was: 'but wouldn't it be easier to just do two completely separate events since you were sort of planning on it anyway?'

I can't wrap my head around this being 'my day'. It just feels like the whole thing will be one huge imposition on everyone and will make everyone uncomfortable. I know that's not actually true. But it feels that way. Maybe partly because my dad has sort of made marriage into a joke among my siblings.

We'll have to keep repeating to ourselves that the important things are 1) end up married and 2) We are so excited that we found each other and we want to celebrate it, so we want to try to show everyone a good time. How we get there I don't know.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Indipendy girl,

I reread your original post and I realize you are trying to be thoughtful for everyone involved, and the expense of travel. I think you should be commended for that. Many brides are offended when people can''t come...usually the reason is expense.

Not sure which parent is responsible for that, but you are a pretty great "kid"!

DKS

 

[oshinbreez]

The way I see it as a divorced parent, if the parents don't feel like they can be civil for a few hours for the sake of their child, then they shouldn't go. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have 2 weddings because of divorced parents. They can either share in your joy and put feelings towards the ex away for a little bit, or not go.

ETA: If you're serving alcohol at the reception and worry about one or both acting up, put a 2 or 3 drink limit on them.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay so here's my take on what you said.

Yes, you are ABSOLUTELY to be commended for trying to take into account everyone's feelings.


However, your mother's issues are her discomfort are not... and honey pay attention here.. .YOUR PROBLEM.

Yes she will be tense. But you're not the cause. He is-- and she is (see my ETA below) And that's between her and him. You are the child, not the moderator. When you have a child with someone you have a bond, like it or not... they will be in your life till death do you part. Your mother knows this. And it sounds like she is just.. feeling you out. Which is natural. But this really really is a day about you and your fiance. And it's something she WILL deal with.

Honestly, she will be so happy that day and so BUSY if it's at her house, that as long as your dad just behaves she probably will be surprised at how little it means to her that he's there.

You can't please everyone honey. Not even your mother. It's not your job to make sure she's comfortable at the expense of your own comfort.

I'm sorry but it's just not.

She's won't die, have a heart attack, be set back years in therapy, or be truly injured in any way shape or form. She'll be uncomfortable for a few hours... and maybe not even that if she is happy and busy and tipsy enough.

But I honestly think that if you do this, you will resent her a little... and that resentment might grow, and effect your relationship with her. And if she is a good mother, she would never want anything, and most especially not HIM, to effect her relationship with you in a negative way.

She can do it honey, she can put her big girl pants for a day... and its OKAY for you to ask her too. It's not horrible, selfish or unreasonable of you.

((HUGS))

ETA: It sounds like she is the one who hasn't let go, who is holding on to resentment and anger toward him. That was her decision to make. NOT YOURS. She could have moved on, and closed the lid on that chapter of her life. Instead she's allowed this man who cares nothing about her (it seems) to affect her to the point that she is at this time, willing to sacrifice her daughter's happiness for her own comfort.

Frankly, she's being selfish. Not you.

 

[diamondfan]

This is another tough one, since ultimately it is your day, but you also need to be realistic about other people''s issues. I would hope in this case that they can just manage for the day, and find a way to make it okay by avoiding eachother if at all possible. If that is really not possible even after all this time, things must have been quite bad and I am sorry for all concerned, but you need to be able to have both of them there if you would like that. There is really no easy way to manage things!

 

[neatfreak]

Indy, you are more than gracious to even THINK about everyone''s feelings and consider having two weddings.

But really, your parents are acting like children (well at least your mother..) if she says she won''t go to your wedding if your dad is there. She needs to SUCK IT UP. It''s your day, not hers, it''s about you, and she needs to be an adult and attend the wedding whether or not your father is there.

She doesn''t need to talk to him, she can be seated totally across the room from him, but she needs to be a big girl for you, put the differences aside and just focus on being happy FOR YOU.

 

[KimberlyH]

IG,

I just wanted to say that you must be the most gracious, hospitable, thoughtful, human being to even consider this issue and others you have posted about. I so admire you.

That being said, you need to accept that it''s your wedding and it has nothing to do with what happened between your parents so many years ago and there''s no reason why they cannot be civil for a day for your sake. You are their precious daughter after all.

Wishing you the best,

~K

 

[havernell]

While having two weddings (or if not two actual ceremonies, two receptions at least) may sound like a way to avoid problems between your parents, I think it may just cause other (different) problems. For example, which side would get to have the "first" (and therefore "real" wedding/reception) and which would have the second ("fake") one? If there are people who are friends with both of your parents, which of the receptions would they go to? Would your age-cohort friends (who are willing to travel for your wedding) go to both or just one? Which one would your FI's parents attend?

I jus think two weddings would be such a logistical nightmare that it would end up worse than having to deal with your parents being uncomfortable at the same one.

Good luck with this very, very tought situation!!

 

[peridot83]

I understand where u r coming from For me, and it sounds like for you, it's not that my parents would throw a fit. I would just hate the fact that my mom was not having a good time. While my father is very good at hiding his feelings, my mother wears hers on her sleeve. I would be able to tell every second that she was uncomfortable.

So I really think it comes down to what will make YOU happy on your day. For me, seeing my mom uncomfortable would bring me down a ton - I wouldn't be able to ignore it. If that's true for you as well, then it's not "giving in" to them to have two separate celebrations.

I think it would probably also depend on the size of the wedding/reception and how many of her friends/family will be there to insulate her. For example, while my parents have successfully attended my graduations through life, I don't think they've voluntarily sat in a room together in 8 years without at least 300 people also there!!

 

[rainbowtrout]

So I have a very similar situation. My problem here is that while it may not be my problem, they are adults, etc etc...it IS usually easy for children to sense that their parents are unhappy no matter how grown-up they are.

My only advice here is this: have the wedding on neutral ground. I know you love your mother''s garden, but surely there is a lovely garden site in the area. This way everyone will be meeting on equal turf, so to speak. Don''t look at it like placating them, look at it like you are making YOUR life easier.

 

[surfgirl]

IG, I feel your pain. Aside from not wanting to blow tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding that we probably wont remember, we're eloping because of this exact situation. Though my parents would pretend to get along for me, I dont want to deal with them being there and knowing they are still in legal battles over stupid things. I understand how you must feel.

Having said that, I agree that you should have ONE wedding. If your friends who live far away cant make it, then have a smaller party in another location at another time. If it was me, I'd take the money for the second wedding and invest it and then let it grow and use it for a fantastic anniversary trip at some point! And I'd tell your parents that IF they expect to come to your wedding they WILL be civil and respectful to each other and if they are not, they are not welcome to come. I'd also do what someone else said and make it clear that if one of them causes trouble at the rehearsal, they will not be coming to the wedding. Period. I have found that sadly, treating my parents like children seems to work when I lay down the law. It's sad, I know, but it is your day, and you should not allow them to ruin it. And if that means not inviting them to your wedding, you should do whatever you need to do.

 

[firebirdgold]

It sounds like you''ve been unhealthily ... um ... what''s the word... um.. ok. to put it another way. You put other people ahead of you waaaay too much. Your feelings and desires are just as important as anyone else''s. It''s your wedding, you shouldn''t worry that it''ll be an imposition on others, and you shouldn''t feel awkward about having your own special day.

Quite frankly, I think it would be good for you to be totally selfish for once. (And it''ll probably be good for them to cater to you for a change!) This is your day and you should do whatever you want. Go on and be a bridezilla! Try it alittle, it''s really a freeing feeling!

Good Luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

You guys are making me blush. Oh, I don't have an ounce of bridezilla in me. Sorrry! I don't even know if I have a 'bride gene' at all. I do assert myself in general. But never much with my family. Maybe that just comes of being the nearly oldest of a bazillion siblings! You sure can't always get your way, and the older you are in the order, the more you feel sort of 'responsible' for the younger ones. I've lived far, far away from my family and been basically independent since I was 19, so I hardly feel it anymore, and I guess that made me not even notice it!

Anyway, mom wrote saying that she and my step-dad would come to both celebrations. Phew. It's important to me that my mom have a good time at at least ONE of the parties (we do have to have two parties, to minimize intercontinental travel for guests), but if she has to 'suck it up' and feel awkward for a couple of hours at the other, she'll cope! After all, in my stepdad's line of work they have to do that a lot anyway. What's one more awkward party? And for such a good cause! (teehee!) Plus, as I pointed out to her, she gets to get a new dress. And eat cake. I mean, c'mon. What's not to love?

And I'm her only daughter. And AHEM! I'm to love tooooo!

My parents may be a little (a LITTLE?) crazy sometimes, but I have these things going for me: my parents, ALL of them, really love me and want my happiness; they are creative and constructive problem solvers; between them, they produced a bumper crop of seriously awesome siblings for me, who will MAKE fun at whatever celebration we have; and I think everyone - after the initial panic-induced squawking and feather ruffling - will try to approach the situation with goodwill. So, once we actually get formally engaged, and sit down to plan, I'm going to take my dad's advice and list all the worries, problems, and strains, and then we'll collectively set our minds to troubleshooting and I have high hopes that we'll figure something out that will make FF and I very happy and show everyone else a good time too.

I hope so!

I honestly don't think I COULD have a good time if my loved ones were having a lousy time.

And lord only knows what FF's parents will make of all this.

 

[Independent Gal]

Just thought of something else. I bet this is also partly because I''m not really SURE what I want, so it''s hard to be assertive about it. I''m going to make a list of things that would make ME happy at our wedding, just to get the juices flowing...

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/28/2007 3:28:00 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Sweetheart,

I have never been in that situation. So I realize my opinion/view may not be on target here.

But frankly if these TWO fruitloops can''t get their act together for YOU for just one day...I would glady tell each of them they are welcome to rent a rooms seperately and you will feed them a live video of the event. This is one of the most special days in your life. There will be others, and there will be a time a grandchild is born and you aren''t going to reinact that event twice because two adults can''t put their silliness aside for the benefit of their beloved daughter.

This is their thing...not yours. One world, one continent, one day, and one event with an open invitation to both and wish that they both be there-and you are done. If you want 50 partys do them. Show the wedding video over and over. You might even enlist someone with video photoshop skills and cut out your mother and place your father in the same place...(sounds silly doesn''t it?)

Sounds to me as if you have had to jump through hoops your entire life...at least since you were 4. Birthdays, holidays, gatherings...put the hoop out and let them do some jumping. They just might suprise you and be adults. Try it.

Honey, there are too many things for you to coordinate. Too many fun details to planning a wedding. Focus on those. This is the next step to the rest of your happy life. Give yourself the RIGHT to have peace on this one special event. It is OK to take the reigns-this is your day!!! Rejoice and be glad in it!

DKS

ok board...throw the tomatoes at me! I am ready!!

ITA x 100!!! Even if you repeated the ceremony, you only get *married* once - are they going to fight over who gets the official one? LOL Silly! Multiple parties are fine, multiple weddings? ::shaking head::

 

[Gypsy]

SO happy you are looking to yourself, that your mom is being sane and reasonable and that this has been resolved. YAY for INDY!!!

Whew!