Do bridesmaids need to be announced ASAP?

[CrownJewel]

My fiance and I (and our families) are not familiar with wedding customs and etiquette (he''s Russian, I''m Chinese, our wedding will be Russian-Chinese-American...we''re totally clueless).

I''ve been struggling with picking my bridesmaides. My sister will be my MOH, no problem there. We are going to have a fairly small wedding (80 people). I have 3 best friends from college and 6 very close friends from high school. These 9 girls are the people that I tell everything to. They are not friends with each other, but these are the girls with whom I make it a point to have regular conversations and get-togethers, and they were the first 9 friends I called with news of the engagement. Of the 6 high school friends, I am closest with 2 of them. I also have a cousin who was my first friend in the entire world. She is one year younger, and we''ve grown apart after college but still keep in touch. I was considering having her as a co-MOH because she lives nearby, she''s quite a lot like me, knows how to bargain shop, has a great sense of style, is extremely dependable, and has been a MOH before. (I will need lots of "advisors" because my mom, my sister and I don''t know anything about planning a wedding).

So now I''ve got 7 girls that I would LIKE to share this wedding planning "thing" with. My fiance and I will be paying for everything and have a very limited budget. He has 3 guys that he would like to be his groomsmen. I don''t want to have 7 BMs, but I would hate to exclude anyone. If I really have to do it, I''d choose my sister as my MOH and my 3 college friends as bridesmaids because they are my absolute best best best friends. If that becomes the case, then I think my high school girls will be left wondering, "is she going to ask us to be her bridesmaids?" In 6 months or so, if my high school girls should ask if I''ve chosen my bridesmaids yet, I will certainly tell them the story, but I would hate to put them in that position.

I read somewhere in a wedding etiquette book that I''m supposed to ask my BMs as soon as possible to avoid the "am I a BM or not?" but the book doesn''t explain if there is an announcement that needs to be made so no one is left wondering. The problem is that the 2 groups of girls don''t ever see or talk to each other, so it''s not like word will just "get around." Any advice?

 

[Blenheim]

Hi CrownJewel!

I just got out my wedding etiquette book, and it didn''t mention asking the BMs as soon as possible to avoid questions. All it said was to ask them in plenty of time for them to pick out dresses and get ready for the wedding, and that 3-6 months is common. (Personally, I think that three months is pretty short -- wouldn''t that force to rush order the dresses or buy them off the rack?)

There are ways that you can include the high school friends in your wedding, even if you choose not to include them as bridesmaids. You could ask them to do readings during the ceremony, for example. If you ask them to do something like this and not to be a bridesmaid, hopefully they''ll feel happy to be involved and not upset that you chose not have them as a bridesmaid.

I don''t think that there''s any need to make some sort of announcement, but there are more subtle ways that you can clue them into your plans if you choose not to include them. My FI and I are having a fairly small bridal party of 3 attendants each. Mine are my two close friends who I''ve known since elementary school and still talk to every week, plus my future sister-in-law. It was a pretty clear choice for me, and that seemed like a natural cut-off. I''ve had another friend ask questions and make some comments that could have been just curiosity about the wedding planning or it could have been her trying to figure out if she''s involved; I''m not sure. I did take the opportunity to mention that we want a very small, intimate bridal party and chose family members and a couple friends from childhood. (Without realizing it, I basically gave the kind of explanation that Emily Post advocates.) If she did have a question about if she was involved, it answered it in what I think was a tactful way. And even though she''s not in my small bridal party, she''s still excited about discussing wedding planning. If you regularly talk to your high school friends, you should be able to somehow work it into the conversation if necessary instead of waiting until they ask explicitly in six months.

If you''d like to make something closer to an announcement and plan on having a wedding website, you could just list your bridesmaids in a "Bridal Party" section.

I hope that these assorted ideas help.

 

[njc]

I agree with Blenheim, if you do not want a huge bridal party you can include your HS friends in other ways like…

1. Readings (either religious and/or something like a poem). You can definitely have more than one
2. If they can sing, or play an instrument (piano?), they could do that before/during the ceremony
3. If they are really crafty, they could make some decorations for you like pew bows or centerpieces for the reception
4. They can hand out ceremony programs
5. Help make sure guest sign the guest book
6. Help with seating/finding place cards and taking gifts that are brought to the reception
7. One could be your personal attendant for the day… making sure you have everything (dress, rings, flowers, water, food, etc) I believe JCJD had one of her friends do this!
8. If one of them is really good about making sure things get done (a kind of drill sergant!), they could be your coordinator for the day! Make sure everyone is where they need to be, pictures are taken, helps with reception events (cake cutting, first dance, etc)

HTH!

ETA: I never said, "Sorry, but you arent a BM" to anyone, but I did ask some friends to do some of things mentioned above, so I guess that was my way of saying you arent a BM, but I would love you to help me out with these other important things!

 

[CrownJewel]

Thanks Blenheim and njc!!! I knew I could count on PS for help You guys are awesome. Your ideas are great.

Blenheim thanks for pulling out the etiquette book! I looked at a few in the bookstore, but didn''t buy one. Maybe I should. Do you have the new Emily Post Wedding Etiquette (purple book jacket)? I like your idea about having some girls do readings at the ceremony. All of my friends have been pretty excited to talk about wedding planning. They all know I''m completely lost, so they''ve offered advice on dress shopping, how to keep it small, and one offered to address the invitations. I think you''re right in saying that 3 months is pretty short notice. Emily Post would be proud of how you handled your BM situations!

njc, I think I''ll take your lead and invite my HS friends to do some readings, so that will be my (non)announcement of their "role" in the wedding. It won''t be a religious ceremony in any way, but Russians (at least in FI''s family) are BIG on poems for celebratory events. Maybe they can take turns reading before the ceremony, and that way I can thank them in my program too.

I think I may also invite the HS girls to the private Chinese tea ceremony in the morning at my parent''s house. That way they''ll still feel very much a part of my wedding, right? All of these girls have been so important to me, and it feels very weird to be picking which ones get to be BMs. But I guess aside from having 75% of my guests standing beside me in BM dresses, there''s just no way around it.

 

[JCJD]

Yes njc, I had a personal attendant - she was wonderful! I was PA for another friend this summer, and I thought it was really fun! Basically the PA is kind of like a not-quite-bridesmaid. Mine brought me water, helped my sister bustle my train after the ceremony, kept track of the emergency kit (extra pantyhose, safety pins, advil, etc), helped us girls get dressed, pinned flowers on people, helped round up family members for the formal pics, and did other random helpful things to make sure everything gets done. I did the same for my friend''s wedding.

Another option besides what the other two lovely ladies mentioned is you can have them serve as candlelighters if you will have candles during the ceremony. They could hand out bubbles or bird seed to guests. If you will be having child attendants and one of them is fantastic with children, she could be the during-ceremony "baby-sitter," perhaps walking with the kids down the aisle, sitting with the kids if their parents will be standing with you, corralling them in if they start to wander, etc. Also, if there are a couple girls who are very gracious hostesses, they can serve as reception hosts - welcoming guests, helping them find their seats, telling them when to start getting food (if a buffet), etc.