do i invite her or leave it be?

[eaglesfem]

I have a bit of a problem, and I have been thinking about it a lot, and still do not know what to do, so I thought I would post to see what other people would do in my situation.

I have never really got along with my mother, when I was very young she started taking hard drugs, along with my father, so life at home was hard. I hardly went to school as they would be out of it and not bother taking me. The drugs made them both paranoid, if I said something it was always taken the wrong way, and she would tell me I didnt really mean what I said and why didnt I just say what I meant, etc etc. They would both do strange things, like I would come down in the morning to find they had both stayed up all night ripping the wallpaper off the walls because "people were hiding things under the wallpaper" the phoneline would be ripped out of the wall as "people were listening" i couldnt have friends because "they were the only friends I needed" the list is endless, i witnessed them taking drugs on an almost daily basis, and was taken with them to buy their drugs, I got left with strangers, and without going into it, I was left with the wrong person one night and I lost something I would never get back..

Anyway, Im older now, and I live 300 miles away from them. I needed to get away and live a normal life. I met my bf, and he has shown me that life can be good. Mother stopped taking the drugs around the same time as I met him, alomst 6 years ago. She made it clear from the start that she hated him, she tried to split us up, and when that didnt work she would call his parents and his work all the time until his boss put a stop to it by telling her if she called one more time he would get the police on her for harrasment.

She has various reasons for hating him, at first when we were long distance it was because "he was a stranger and he could be a murderer", then she found out he was irish and all of a sudden he was a "terroist" (no offence intended at all), then it was because he was putting my life in danger by making me get on a plane to travel to see him..seriously have you ever heard anything so messed up?

Anyway, we are both at the point in life where we want to get married, he is planning something, hes looking at rings, hes told his mum that he will marry me, etc, but I dont know what to do about a wedding.

As in, do I even invite my mum? what good will come of it? I just keep thinking to myself that I only plan on getting married once, and she is my mother after all, she should be there right??

As a side note, mum got the internet a few months ago and found me on a social networking site, she messaged me (i had not seen her for two years before that) and we got talking. we were at the point of being kind of alright with each other, then she deletes me after sending me a message saying "I think its best this way"

as another side note, she has never admitted to what she did when I was young, and at one point even denied it saying i was making it up, hence never appologising for anything. I just feel a bit lost.

 

[iheartscience]

Oh wow...I''m sorry you have to deal with her, then and now. That''s terrible. But good for you for taking matters in to your own hands and turning out so well!

As for your wedding, I don''t really know what to tell you. Does the thought of her not being at your wedding bother you more than the thought of her being at your wedding and possibly making a scene? (I guess if you can figure that out you wouldn''t be asking!)

P.S. Has she received any mental health treatment now that she''s clean? I''m just wondering why she still acts so strangely even though she''s off drugs.

 

[LaraOnline]

What an amazing story, every day life is full of heroes, and you must be one of them. Congratulations on not being defined by your childhood - which was not of your making, and not a reflection on you or your character whatsoever.
I don''t think there are any real ''shoulds'' in your case. You ''should'' do whatever on earth you want. No etiquette ma''am has any right to look over your shoulder in this regard. If you feel you''ll have a happier time without the drama, just go right ahead and don''t invite her to the wedding! You have no reason to feel guilty, and, perhaps it would be kinder for her as well, as perhaps she would feel uncomfortable (seeing as she can''t chat on email, for example).
Perhaps she carries a lot of guilt from your childhood, and brushes it off with bravado.
I''m not saying you shouldn''t continue to try to ''get to know her'', if it gives you satisfaction and enjoyment to do so. But at your own pace, with no sense whatsoever of you being held to emotional ransom, and perhaps with a degree of personal privacy for you, rather than in front of your FI and his (your) family.

All the very best to you!

L.

 

[debzy103]

I need more information to give you advice:
Is this a relationship (with your mom) that you want to save?
When was the last time you saw/spoke to her?
Does she have any history with making a public scene?
Where is your dad in this picture?

I think one thing is for sure. If you decide to invite her (and she decides to show up) then someone needs to be "on watch" with her. And should she make any scene, she would have to be removed. But who knows? Things could be positive and she could be really excited to see her daughter getting married to the man of her dreams! Either way, I think you need to have a serious talk with her before hand. Would she be willing to go to family counseling with you? I know you live 300 miles away, but even a few visits miight prove helpful.

 

[diamondfan]

Eagles, I am so sorry, you were clearly unsafe and at risk in that house growing up. Good that you are able to see it and be healthy.

Please, please, listen to me and understand I have no agenda here. Your mom is mentally unwell. I would NOT invite her. Sorry if that is cold, but the risks are too high. She is sick, and needs help, and I think you know in your heart the things she is doing and thinking even know are not normal. It almost sounds like she might be a paranoid schizophrenic, she has delusions, disordered thinking, paranoia...add to that substance abuse for years...has she ever been evaluated? I am saying this based on your post, I have a master''s in psych but please just take it with a grain of salt, it sounds like she is clearly not doing well if she thinks he is a terrorist because he is Irish and that he endangers you by having you get on a plane...harassing him at work, making those remarks, these are not the thoughts or actions of well person. I think you can love her and accept who she is and feel sad for her state, but I think she will not be able to function well at a gathering like that, and will likely do something out of control especially if she hates him and perceives him to be a threat to you in any way.

 

[JSM]

Kudos to you for being so level headed even after everything you have been through.

Don''t ever do something because you feel you HAVE to. Your mother doesn''t deserve an invite, only invite her if you feel in your heart you couldn''t bear for her not to be there.

To me, it doesn''t sound like you really want her there with you, but either way, the decision is yours. Many congratulations for finding the man of your dreams! Best of luck and happy ring shopping!

 

[eaglesfem]

thankyou all for the answers so far, its given me more to think about!

on one hand i think we have never had this great mother daughter relationship, so what does it matter if she is there or not? then the real me takes over, im too caring and i hate it, i then think about how she will feel if shes not there. its always been that way, she always had this uncanny ability to make me feel guilty about everything.

debzy: i honsetly dont know anymore, because everything i try comes crashing down, she used to tell me i never told her anything at all about my life, so i gave her a chance, i got pregnant when i was 17, and i knew that i wasnt in the right place to have a baby, so i confided in her that i was thinking of having a termination, she told everybody we knew, from neighbours to family. i ended up losing the baby anyway. but it proved my point that i couldnt go to my mother with any kind of problem.

the last time i saw her in person was 2 years ago, she did nothing but try to convice me to dump my boyfriend and move back in with her, i could live in the loft conversion etc etc. in a way its like she never wants me to grow up and stand on my own two feet.

public scenes...yes! she tried to split my uncle and his gf up one time because she believed they were not right for each other, she went to the gfs house and kicked the front door until she got it open so she could "have words with her".

im sorry i have a habit of calling my step father my dad, hes the only one i have known, my real dad, i have no idea, they split up when i was born, and i only saw him twice in my entire life, then he went back to canada where he was born.

im not joking when i say that every little thing is a problem. my bf and i were in the back of her car once when we first met, she was backing up into a parking space, and there were three people behind the car who she obviously hadnt seen seeing as she still had her foot on the pedal and was still backing up, my bf told her to watch out for the people, and she blew up telling him she has been driving sinse before he was born so he didnt have a right to tell her or dictate to her how to drive and who did he think he was!

i think i have answered my own question havent i?

as for being level headed, i saw what drugs can do to people, so i vowed never to be like her, never have and never will touch drugs. i give myself everything she couldnt, i did a long distance learning course a few years ago to get the education i missed out on, thanks everyone.

 

[Amzizzle]

I''m very sorry to hear about this,and as much as I hate to say it...I know what your going through. My mother is Bi-polar and acts very much the same way that your mother does. She has been in and out of jail,she is rude to my boyfriend and thinks he''s not good enough for me and that he is going to hurt me in insane ways. I have to thought of the question should I invite her? I personally have come to the conclusion no I shouldn''t,not because I wouldn''t like to have my mother there on my wedding day,but because with all her problems,wether it be unintentional or not she would either ruin it,make it all about her,or try to monopolize my time and throw a huge fit. It''s a really hard decision,but I know if I fold it would be a nightmare.If it helps though I also decided to have a destination wedding to an island or just out of state,which makes it harder for her to come and whatnot.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

As many have already stated, your mother is clearly ill. Sounds like she may have some type of mood disorder (bipolar/manic depressive) or schizophrenia. Has she ever seeked out medical care? With proper medication her symptoms could improve significantly. In all honeslty - unless she takes medication - I don''t know if she would be reliable at your wedding. Unless you are willing to accept the fact that she is ill, and likely will make some sort of scene - and not to take it personally - she might end up really offending you or your guests at your wedding. On the other hand, if you can learn to accept the fact that she is ill, and will probably act up at your wedding, maybe you can try not to let it get to you. Unfortunately, it would be rather hard to try and explain your mother''s illness to all your guests... Maybe you should try talking to her and asking her if she could see a psychiatrist before your wedding... As I said, medicine can really help her symptoms and control her behaviors.

 

[debzy103]

I think the major thing you need to consider is whether you want your mother in your life in the future. If you can honestly sayd you''d be ok never seeing/talking to her again, then it''s ok not to invite her to your wedding. But that''s a big decision.

For now, my recommendation would be to see how the engagement goes. It''s probably too early to make a major decision like this.

Please continue to update your situation so we can help you out!

 

[risingsun]

If you invite your mother to your wedding, the risk is very high that things will go badly. Evidently, she has a long history of drug addiction and mental illness. Neither you--nor she--can predict how she will behave from one day to the next. At best, you will be worried about what might happen if she is present. At worst, you will be dealing with the consequences of her impulsive actions. I don''t think that either scenario is a burden you should have to carry on your wedding day. If you want to have her in your life, you can work on this after you are married. I am a mental health therapist and I wish you much happiness and the wedding you deserve to have. You are a survivor.

 

[FairieMoon]

My mother was very mentally unstable, up and down on her emotions. Very very controlling. She mentally abused me pretty much everyday I lived in her house.

When I met my ex husband, she hated him. He was not good enough for me in her eyes and he "stole me" away from her.

We went through many periods of not talking. She was invited to my wedding but chose not to come because I had to order my dress and she was not around to consult about it.

To this day, we do not talk.

I think you have to figure out what role you want her to have in your life. If any. And what is the best you can hope for if you invite her versus what is the worst that could happen if she comes.

If you have to question if its a good idea, its probably not.

Good luck to you.

 

[Deelight]

Firstly I just want to say I am so sorry you had to deal with all that, everyones childhood should be one that they feel protected and nurtured, good for you working through and rising above.

I can only comment on what you have wrote, you feel that you should invite her but I daresay your mum has not really been much of a mother to you, well not the one you would have needed. In your position I would be asking do I want her at the wedding or do I want the person that I hope she will become on that day. Personally faced with this situation I would not invite her and I would mentally use this marriage as a symbol for a new beginning and a new life away from the past.

Whatever you decide I wish you nothing but happiness and joy with your soon to be hubby .

 

[little miss sunshine]

eaglesfem - Your situation is very touching and you are strong and brave to be so open about your past. I agree with others who have advised you not to invite her. I also think the "guilt" that you feel about inviting her is from emotional/mental abuse (I know that sounds like a harsh term) and manipulation on your mother''s part. Do NOT allow her to make you feel guilty. I know this is probably hard sometimes. This is your wedding and you should think of the wedding as a fresh start, a new beginning. Even though right now your upcoming wedding seems like such a monumental event that you will look back on and (perhaps) regret not having your mother there, I still would advise against inviting her unless she does seek some type of therapy and becomes significantly more stable. There may be a time in the future when she is clean and well, and you can invite her back into your life -- IF you want to. If that becomes the case in say 10 or 20 years, well then there will be plenty of milestones for her to be a part of.

Without being too personal, I also hope that you have considered/sought therapy. You seem very strong, but what you have been through is some very tough stuff.

I can understand why you posted, even though you are not yet engaged. Things like this can somewhat cloud your upcoming excitement and joy. I hope that you are able to look at your relationship/upcoming engagement/wedding as a blessing. You are marrying a man with a family of his own, and from the sounds of it, a healthy and good family. Cherish the relationships you have or will have with these people. Family doesn''t need to be blood-relatives. Surround yourself with your significant other and friends and cherish these people!