do most boyfriends view buying diamonds like mine does?

[mas]

Hi all -- I guess I am just looking for a sympathetic ear, because my boyfriend has been relatively disengaged (no pun intended) in this whole diamond buying process. I have been working really hard at researching diamonds, spending hours online, trying to get myself knowledgeable, but ultimately the purchase is going to be his and he seems relatively uninterested. I know he wants to get something that I like, but I feel like most of the burden is on my shoulders to do the research. I think he would be just as happy walking into a B&M and buying the first or second thing we see and calling it a day. I seem to be the one concerned about quality, value, etc. He has done some research, just not to the extent that I would if I were shelling out this kind of money (hence I am trying to do it for him/us). Is this a "guy thing"? Or maybe he''s just not as into the details as I am? I am wondering what other women have experienced....

 

[skphotoimages]

I answered you on the other post, but I''ll copy here:
There are some men on this board, and I am still amazed at thier dedication to finding the right ring. But in any good relationship it takes two people with different strengths an weaknesses to build off eachother. I would guess this is one of your strengths. Plus he probably sees this as you enjoying learning about diamonds, and getting something you love.
My now husband proposed to me as a spur of the moment thing. No planning, and no ring. We didn''t have much money then, so I didn''t get a ring for about six months. I was already somewhat educated on diamonds, went to a few B&M places, picked out the diamond, payed for it, and picked it up on my own a few days later. Hows that for unromantic?? Someone on this board (and it was a guy) said something so insightful...he said that the diamond shopping experience for us women is as much an emotional this as anything else. I always hated that my husband wasn''t involved...I felt I was getting jipped out of all the romance. But my husband just wanted me to get what I wanted, and they don''t know it''s an emotional thing for us unless we tell them. I did learn that the whole engagement/ring buying experience is no reflection on the relationship itself. My husband and I are the happiest couple we know.
And a big thank you to that PS''er who made that comment about it being an emotional experience for us women. I told my husband that as we went to buy my upgrade recently. He spent hours in two different B&M''s over several days, and in the end he chose the diamond that spoke to him, and then later suprised me with the finished product.
If it really bothers you, explain to him that this is an emotional thing and as much as you appreciate that he is letting you have such a big role in finding the perfect diamond, that you would love to feel that he is as interested in this process and the impact it will have on the memories of this time in your life

 

[ellewoods]

Hi Mas.

I was very happy when my boyfriend was willing and interested in going ring browsing with me. But afterwards I felt like my BF wasn''t interested in talking about the ring process anymore, and became annoyed when I would bring it up. I did tons of internet research, looked at diamonds in the diamond district, sent him pictures, etc. I thought I was being helpful doing research for him so he wouldn''t have to spend all that time learning. But he wasn''t very receptive to my research.

I figured he didn''t care, wasn''t really interested in all the little details, etc. It made me sad since I wanted him to be excited about the process or at least what it would mean in the end.

Recently I had a talk with him and I explained my frustrations about his lack of excitement/involvement. Well he got really upset with me. Turns out that he has been doing his own research and he just doesn''t want me to be involved anymore. He said that it''s not lack of enthusiasm for finding the ring or getting engaged, but by me sending him all of the research he felt like I was implying that he couldn''t do it on his own, that he was too stupid/lazy/etc. to choose a nice ring, I didn''t trust him to choose something nice, I couldn''t be happy with something he chose on his own, etc.

He also said doesn''t want me to be involved in every single detail, and he wants to make it a romantic surprise, and he can''t do that if I''m obsessing over every little detail and constantly sending him info.

So at least from my experience, what I thought was indifference or disinterest about the ring, I was wrong. My BF does care and wants to be involved in the process but he wants to do it himself from this point out -- without my imput. Your BF may be feeling the same way.

Some ladies here have had a lot to do with choosing their ring -- some have even chosen every detail -- and that has worked well for them and their BFs. But there are other BFs who prefer to have more say in the choice and want to make it a surprise. It turns out my BF is in that second group, so yours might be too. I wouldn''t necessarily take it that he is uninterested. Maybe he just wants to know the basic details of what you like, and then he''ll take it from there.

I found the best thing to do is talk to him calmly about it. Don''t be emotional and don''t put pressure on him about when the proposal will happen. Explain that you''ve been doing research because you''re excited about taking the next step in your relationship with him. Then ask him if he likes you doing the research and wants you to continue giving him information, or if he''d rather you stop and let him do things on his own.

 

[littlelysser]

Mas - I totally feel you on this one! My BF started talking about getting engaged and said he wanted to propose but we needed to find a ring. Well, I took the ball and ran with it.

I already knew what kind of diamond I wanted (asscher cut) and after a few days of hardcore setting I determined what sort of setting I wanted and what I wanted it set in...and my bf just kind of let me research and made all the decisions and did all the research. In a way, I kind of appreciate that...I''m the one that is going to be wearing it...so I better love it. And I think my BF knows, ok, well, I know that he knows, cause I''ve told him a million times...that I never dreamed of my wedding dress or my wedding...I''ve always dreamed about the ring...so yeah...

Anyway, I wouldn''t be too worried. We called our jeweler yesterday and we should have the ring in a week or so...and it is going to be exactly what I wanted.

Just my two cents!

 

[bookworm21]

Hi Mas. My bf''s the same way. I''m currently doing all the research I can for the ring I want. He''s willing to talk about it with me and go browsing for settings, but he definitely has not done any research at all on his end, the main reason being because he works a lot and is always busy. Besides, he knows how picky I am about certain things and he wants to be sure that I get exactly what I want, since we both know that I''ll never upgrade my engagement ring.

It is a guy thing, like skphotoimages pointed out, men don''t know that this is a major emotional purchase for most women. It took me forever to drum it into my bf''s head that it is. So we''re doing a compromise. I''ll show him exactly where to go to get the stone (WF ACA), he picks out whatever he wants from the website; we go browsing ring settings together, pick out a few of our favorites, and in the end, he decides so when the proposal comes around, it will still be a complete surprise.

I would recommend talking to him about how you feel, otherwise, this is something that will just continue bothering you. Hope everything works out for the best and keep us updated.

 

[skphotoimages]

Mas, I went to my husband and asked him why he wasn''t involved more in our first ring purchase. His reply was that with all the research I was doing he assumed that I knew exactly what I wanted. He thought if he where to go out and find a diamond on his own at that point that I may be disappointed. He also said he didn''t do research because he didn''t know how to go about that. That''s true too, because he isn''t super computer savy, or research oriented. He also doesn''t have the patience to spend time reading literature. I agree with a previous poster...appreciate the fact that he is letting you find what will make you happy. I know those words of advice don''t help much when you had other expectations, so my only other advice is as above...talk with him about your feelings. A few words of advice..don''t use the word "you" as in "you aren''t doing enough" or "you make me feel" instead use words like"I feel hurt that I am doing all the searching" or "I would love it if we could do this together". It took a psychology degreee for me to learn that one, and it makes a huge difference when talking to your significant other. It prevents defensive responses most of the time.
Keep us updated!

 

[mas]

thanks to everyone for your posts -- they really are helping.

skphoto -- I am a bit emotional today -- so pls don''t feel bad because I''m weepy. I am going to get a good night''s sleep (instead of researching diamonds until 2 a.m. like I did last night) and I think everything will look better in the morning. I did talk with my BF tonight -- I didn''t handle the conversation that well -- too many of the "you shoulds" -- wish I had read your posting first! -- but things are better. He understands better that I need some support and is promising to get more involved -- he just wants me to be direct and specific about what I need (which I can do, no prob there). He told me ultimately that he wants me to be happy and however we get there with a ring is fine with him.

 

[dani13]

MAS-

Dont worry. I think you are upset because you are interpreting his lack-of-interest in the diamond buying process as lack-of-excitement about being with you. Maybe?

As someone else said before, I agree with that personalities are just different. In my personal experience, I did all the research, educated my FI, and then we went to look together, and picked out the whole ring together. I just had more time than him, and more interest, to research, and research, and research. Plus, it is just more my personality than his to do that. I like to know almost everything about things before I buy, and all the options- especially with such a big purchase.

Cheer up sweetie!!!

 

[anchor31]

mas, I know how you feel. To my knowledge my SO has not started to research seriously so he can make an educated purchase, and as you said, with that sort of money involved, he really should. It worried me a bit, because he says he doesn''t care about the price, but I don''t want him to get ripped off for a piece of junk from a mall jewelry because that''s the easiest way to buy it...

And I also started to wonder... If he''s not interested in buying the ring, does that mean he''s not really interested in proposing to me??

Yesterday, he told me he''s excited about become engaged to me next year. I almost asked: "If you''re so excited about getting engaged, why aren''t you excited about buying the ring?" He was interested in what I had to say when we talked about it last night, so that soothed me. I also know he''s not really the researching type, so I sent him pics and quotes and a link to a diamond education site. He said he doesn''t mind, and I''m glad to do it for him.

I have a feeling that my involvement in the ring process will be limited to sending pics, quotes and contact info, however. When he will start looking, I don''t think he''ll tell me about it. I think that for him, this is something he really has to do by himself and he really wants to surprise me. He''s a bit of a procrastinator too, so that will probably bother me a bit, but I do my best to be patient and trust him.

Good luck!

 

[monarch64]

Mas, here are my takes on your situation:

A. I think some men feel as though women are taking away their excitement/enjoyment of surprising you with something beautiful--they want to experience your complete surprise and joy during the proposal.

B. Try to put yourself in his shoes--if the situation were reversed, let''s say, and you had to propose to him with, oh, maybe his dream CAR, would you be totally gung-ho on researching it to death?

C. There is nothing wrong with having some input on what you would like on your hand for the rest of your life, but I think sometimes we give our men the wrong impression. That is to say that we might make them feel like we''re more excited about showing off our ring to others than we are about they themselves! Imagine the pressure a guy must feel at worrying about not only what his wonderful wife-to-be''s opinion is, but everyone else in your lives you both want to impress!

Deep down, we all value other''s opinions, I don''t care who says they don''t care at all what other people think about them. It sounds like you may want to be very careful of his thoughts and feelings in this situation, if you want to end up with your dream ring, and your man''s happiness. You have to put your trust in him, especially now that you''ve made it known to him what your goals are as far as your ring.

My husband mentioned his ideas for my ring (they had only to do with carat weight) a few months after we started dating. You''re gonna laugh, but my reply was, "baby, you could tie a piece of twine around my finger and I would be happy for the rest of my life!" Hee hee. He knew I was mostly full of it, but it made him feel good knowing I trusted him. He later asked me what shape of diamond I liked most, and 9 months after we started dating I had a beautiful ring on my finger. He had done his homework, finding a great jeweler through friends, spending plenty of time looking at loose stones and educating himself.

When your man is ready, he will get down to business and do the right thing. You''ve steered him the right way already by letting him know you appreciate the 4 C''s...he''s not going to disappoint you by not paying attention to that! Take care, and relax a little--trust the fact that the man you love will make you happy in the end!