Do people just assume...

[Blenheim]

...that you''re engaged? And do you bother to correct them?

So many people lately have referred to my BF as my fiance. Today it was my therapist, and you''d think that he''d know better! It''s usually professors who are giving me advice on how to handle the "two-body problem". I generally don''t want to cut them off to correct them about the exact nature of our relationship, because in the context of the conversation it''s really the fact that we''re planning on staying together and moving to a new location together that matters.

And no, I don''t wear any ring (even a promise ring) on my left ring finger.

 

[jcrow]

i guess so...

i got husband i didn''t even have my e-ring on... (It''s being reworked at WF)
they skipped over BF & FI all the way to Husband!!!

 

[E B]

People assume I'm married and I'm only engaged. I guess because my engagement ring is rather ornate (with the diamond band), they assume its my wedding ring. I constantly have to correct people, though I guess it really doesn't matter. I WILL be Mrs. N soon enough!

 

[chickflick]

Yes, that happened first at my SIL's family's Thanksgiving. Our families have spent Thanksgiving together for years and this was the second year they all met Jim. He said something about us getting married (we've been talking about it for a long time just not "official" yet) so they all assumed we were engaged. It's quite natural but I felt uncomfortable because I didn't know how comfortable he felt with the assumptions. Turned out he was fine and I was the one who had a problem with it!! I don't correct anyone anymore because we're so close to official. I've even referred to him as my fiancee in a conversation with him and he didn't call it out or anything.

 

[anchor31]

Nope. In fact, when we tell some people we''re talking about getting married, they stare and say: "Married? What the hell for?"

But they do assume we''ll move in together as soon as I get back to Montréal in September. Which we won''t, for several reasons. And they said: "You won''t? Why the hell not?"

Meh. People can be stupid and judgemental, sometimes.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 3/13/2006 9:33:18 PM
Author: anchor31
Meh. People can be stupid and judgemental, sometimes.

I hear you on that. My flatmate keeps asking me when I''m going to get engaged. But then whenever any of our friends do, she says that if they want to ruin their life by getting married, that''s their own business. I can''t wait until our lease is up...

Are you currently living in Canada? If so, what are attitudes about marriage and living together like there? When I was living in Eastern Europe, it seemed like it was very unusual for couples to get married before moving in together.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 3/13/2006 9:33:18 PM
Author: anchor31
Nope. In fact, when we tell some people we''re talking about getting married, they stare and say: ''Married? What the hell for?''

But they do assume we''ll move in together as soon as I get back to Montréal in September. Which we won''t, for several reasons. And they said: ''You won''t? Why the hell not?''

Meh. People can be stupid and judgemental, sometimes.

You had me LMAO! Just this past Sunday I was asked and was so excited it was ridiculous! I have a small 5stone YG CZ ring from my mom that I wear on that finger sometimes, one because it fits there and two because sometimes the places I am thats what I want people to assume so the crazies leave me alone. But no one had ever asked and this woman I was talking to says "so are you married? you are so young!" Oh I was laughing! And then my partner on a school project who is a post-professional and new to the program saw me open a PS email from the eye candy folder and said "OMG is that yours" when I said no but I like to look she jumped the gun and made some assumptions! Boy o boy!

 

[firebirdgold]

Heh heh, Sad to say but I''m the one that keeps making the mistake. I swear half the time I''m talking to someone I''ll accidentally reffer to him as my fiance! oops!

 

[MissCongeniality]

Okay, I gotta chime in one this one.

The older I''ve gotten, the more people assume (who dont know me) that the guy I''m with is my husband. Maybe its because I''m getting older and I just ''look'' like I should be married. I know it sounds like a lame explanation, but its all I can really come up with. And, I dont wear a ring on my left hand either.

It doesnt bother me if people refer to the boyfriend/fiance as a husband. I dont care. They are strangers, usually, and I never bother to correct them. I actually find it kind of nice.

I did have an old boyfriend though, who, wherever we went, everybody called him my husband. Most told me it was because we just looked so good together, they assumed we were married. Go figure because all we ever did was fight. LOL

 

[Caribou]

I was in 7-11 this past weekend getting a slurpy and I wanted some chips but I had left my purse in my friends car so I asked him to go get it. The cashier dude was laughing at us and told me that he had just watch something on TV about how girls ask their husbands to get their purse. I started to say ''Oh he''s my friend not my....'' and the guy just wasn''t listening to me.

The funny thing is my friend is gay and IMO obviously gay.

 

[Cailet]

people always think we are married. even our neighbors have called me J's wife (and he didn't bother to correct them so now they REALLY think we are married) and we live in a duplex so we could easily just be housemates. We act like a married couple I guess - and have been together for so long that we know all of each other's like quirks so I'm sure it presents the impression that we are married.

before I was ready to get engaged I used to correct people all the time - now that I am a LIW I usually let it slide - it will be true enough soon enough right?

 

[sumbride]

Like so many others here, everyone thinks we''re already married. I think it has a lot to do with our ages, he''s 30, I''m 28.... we "should" be married by now... I guess.

We moved in together last summer, in a new house. We attend the neighborhood association meetings and have met a lot of neighbors and they all think we''re married! I don''t wear a ring, neither does he, but constantly I''m introduced by others as his wife... and he as my husband. He doesn''t mind it at all, but we do correct them because it does kind of bother me. As far as the neighbors go, I guess it doesn''t really matter. We''re a household. When he corrected one of our favorite neighbors, she said "Oh, but you two are so good together! Just get married already!" What bothers me is that once we DO get engaged and then married, it won''t be a big deal to anybody. I guess I just want a little more celebration!

But when I talk to utility companies (because I''m better at that) I do claim to be his wife. It works.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/13/2006 9:40:05 PM
Author: Blenheim

Date: 3/13/2006 9:33:18 PM
Author: anchor31
Meh. People can be stupid and judgemental, sometimes.

I hear you on that. My flatmate keeps asking me when I''m going to get engaged. But then whenever any of our friends do, she says that if they want to ruin their life by getting married, that''s their own business. I can''t wait until our lease is up...

Are you currently living in Canada? If so, what are attitudes about marriage and living together like there? When I was living in Eastern Europe, it seemed like it was very unusual for couples to get married before moving in together.

Yup, I live in Canada. I don''t know about the other provinces, but in Québec a lot (if not most) of the couples don''t get married and generally move together as quickly as possible. That doesn''t really bother me, to each his own, right? What I can''t seem to understand however, is the frivolous attitude towards commitment. Most of those couples who move in together as fast as they can do it and say: "We''ll see how it goes." So... what? If something goes wrong you just give up? I remember once, a woman was telling me why her and her boyfriend (with whom she had two little daughters) didn''t get married and she said: "Well, if we''re not married, if we want to separate it''ll be easier." Um... What?

And this way of thinking seems to be rampant. With this kind of attitude, no wonder their relationships don''t work out...

I know some girls who do want to get married, but are selling themselves short. Their boyfriends don''t want to get married and they don''t press the issue because they don''t want to risk losing them. That makes me sad because I know they deserve better, I just hope they are still happy.

I''ve done some mistakes as a teenager and has seem people around me make mistakes, and marriage has always been important for me. By the time I met my boyfriend over three years ago, I decided that I wasn''t going to move in with a man "just to see how it goes", and decided I wanted to wait for commitment and an engagement before moving in with someone. Last summer, my boyfriend did ask me to move in with him next September when I come back home, and he was very taken aback when I said no. Everyone does it, so why don''t I want to do it too? So I told him about the commitment issue and there are also financial issues involved and that sort of thing. He was disappointed, but he really thought it through and realized that of course moving in together right away would be fun, but we have to think further into the future too. I have the chance to go through school without getting into debt because my parents pay my rent, so I shouldn''t throw this away to move in with my boyfriend two years sooner. I mean, I''m going to be 21 in May, so there''s no rush, right?

When we talked about this last summer, I discussed it with some people to get some advice and the answers I received were more or less all the same: "You should move in with him and you shouldn''t get engaged/married without living with him first", and generally that I was just freaking out. One of them even told me I was emotionally blackmailing J into proposing...

But fortunately (and that''s what''s most important), J understands. We are probably going to be engaged/married sooner than he originally thought we would, but he is soooo happy about it! He talks about it all the time and tells everyone!

And when we will get married/move in together, I''ll be out of school and hopefully not only free of debt, but with enough money in my pockets to have a nice little garden wedding with our close friends and family and maybe find a place of our own.

I''m sorry this is so long, but this isn''t an easy issue for me. My opinions and values clash a lot with those of the people around me and it isn''t easy because I get judged and scoffed at a lot.

But I still hold tight to my convinctions, because I have a very successful relationship and I''m very happy, and the people who are mean to me usually aren''t.

 

[sk8rjen]

Anchor, I think the way you and your BF are handling this *is* smart -- but my opinion shouldn''t matter anyway! You 2 seem happy and grounded and that''s what''s important.

I never personally would move in with someone I wasn''t planning on marrying, but moving in together before marriage was important to me b/c I needed to see how Matt handled living with my kids first. I''d never want to bring random people into their lives, but it''s be important to be able to get out of the relationship easily if it hadn''t worked out. Lucky for me and my boys, it did

So more in tune with this thread - not only do people refer to matt as my husband, but they also call him "your daddy" when addressing one of my boys when we''re out together (none of us correct them except the 8 year old Better yet, Matt never seems to mind (I secretly think he likes it) Plus, my boys do look a bit like him!

jen

 

[JenStone]

Isn''t there some kind of study that says that couples who live together before they''re married are more likely to divorce? Because in their mind, there isn''t much of a difference between living together and being married, and so they do not see the extra commitment that should be there in a marriage? (Or something like that)

My boyfriend and I started living together mostly for financial reasons - to save money on rent (because he was always over my place anyway), gas, and just to be near each other more. It''s tough sometimes but I love coming home to him, waking up next to him, and all the other little perks (like him going out for ice cream at 2am to make me feel better because I''m PMSing).

No one has ever mistaken us for a married/engaged couple though. It''s probably because in public we act like friends, joking around, horseplay, etc.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 3/14/2006 12:34:20 PM
Author: JenStone
Isn''t there some kind of study that says that couples who live together before they''re married are more likely to divorce? Because in their mind, there isn''t much of a difference between living together and being married, and so they do not see the extra commitment that should be there in a marriage? (Or something like that)

What I''ve heard about this is that close to half a century ago, studies said that couples who live together before getting married are more likely to get divorced. At that point, though, approximately 15% of couples lived together before marriage, and they tended to have less traditional beliefs about marriage and relationships. Since studies only demonstrated a correlation and not causation, it could have been other factors (such as attitudes towards marriage) that caused couples to decide to move in together before marriage and couples to be more willing to divorce.

Current studies are inconclusive. There are other factors that play a lot larger of a role. I think that younger marriages are more likely to end in divorce. Couples who have a longer dating/engagement period before getting married are less likely to get divorced. The divorce rate amoung couples who have Bachelor degrees is much lower -- maybe half of the general divorce rate.


Anchor, I know that it''s hard when you feel like everyone around you is judging you, but it sounds like you and your boyfriend have a healthy relationship and realistic expectations. Relationships are work, and both people must be willing to work at it. The attitude that some of the people around you have shows that their relationships may be great while they last, but they want to be able to have an easy out. That kind of relationship generally doesn''t have as much of a future, long-term. (These issues remind me of a recent thread about "soul mates," actually.) By the way, that comment about you blackmailing J into proposing is ridiculous. Hang in there!

 

[Erin]

We have been together forever and people I work with just assume we are married - and I have been saving that finger for one and only one ring. If I correct them, they act shocked "Really? Gosh I always just assumed you were married. Well then you''re engaged, right?" Nope.

So to avoid that scenario replay, when people ask "Why don''t you ask your husband to come along" I just say Sure. Well, just a few weeks ago, this guy at work stopped me and asked, "Hey Erin, does your husband still work at ABC Company?" and I said yes. Well, later that day I had to call his work - not to talk to him but for my company''s business - and the receptionist was saying, Erin you''ll love this. Some guy called earlier and was asking for Mark Yourlastname. It took me a second to realize why that name almost made sense. Mark wasn''t in his office so I paged "Mark Yourlastname, you have a call on line #1." I guess his office had fun with that for a few hours.

 

[anchor31]

sk8rjen and Bleinheim - Thanks for the support. It really makes me feel better to know that there are some people out there who are understanding and supportive of my convictions.

Anyway, J''s mother called me his wife last Christmas. She already knew he''s going to propose this year, and it was pretty funny. I cracked up and J stared at her for a second, blushing, and chuckled nervously. It was the cutest thing.

 

[Patchee]

Whenever we are out somewhere with aquantenses (sp?) they will say oh, your husband, or yes, your wife.. that kinda stuff... he says nothing, neither do I