Do We Throw A Big Wedding, Keep It Small, Or Elope??

[Spuncorpceo]

Hello all (sorry for the long post in advance, there are VERY brief cliffs at the bottom),

Here is my situation. I am 21 and in graduate school. My fiance is also 21 and has one more year (ending May 2007) of undergraduate schooling. After that, she plans to go to graduate school around me and is only applying to the three schools closet to where I'm attending (they are all within about 10 miles).

I'm currently studying to get my Ph.D. in Economics and she is going to go to grad school for her Ph.D. in Bio-Statistics.

We recently got engaged (December 2005) and are getting married on June, 9 2007. We have found a wonderful place and put a $1,000 deposit down to hold the room. We made up a preliminary invitations list and came up with 255 people after trimming about 50 people off we deemed extra. We both have very large families (being Italian only helps sometimes) and we have a good amount of friends as we are just coming out of college.

Here is the problem: with as many people coming as we would like to invite, we are going to spend about $25,000 for the wedding reception and ceremony (they are both being held at the same place). I understand that I will recoop some of this via wedding gifts but I don't believe it will be the full $25K. This does not include dress, decorations, etc. etc. etc. All in all, if we could squeak this thing out for $31,500 or so, that would seem about right. That being said, me and my fiance are both still in school (be it graduate or undergrad) and do not have much money; however, we are both studying to have jobs that will pay.....well, lucratively.

If we were both studying to be second grade teachers (not that there is anything wrong with second grade teachers), I would say, we should never take out a loan to pay for the balance of this wedding BUT the average starting salary of someone with my degree is around $95,000 with a $15,000 sign on bonus, give or take. A student who graduated last year with the same degree I'm pursuing got a job right out of grad school paying $250K/year with a $40K sign on......

This makes me think that we should just have a huge, blow out wedding, take loans to cover it, and pay it off in about 3 years. $31K for a wedding doesn't look too bad when you could get a $40K sign on bonus in three years

Option 2 would be to just invite VERY close family and friends, do something small, and break about even, done and done. We have thought about this and we have decided that if family and friends are going to come, they should all come...............unless..........

Option 3: elope! We have recently been toying with the idea of getting maybe 10-15 people together and heading off and getting married somewhere exotic. It would be small but it would be a time to remember. It would also be much cheaper BUT there would be a ton of people who couldn't come.....We could afford this option now and be debt free afterwards.

Sooooooo..........

Does anyone here on this lovely forum of great knowledge have any advice for some newelyweds-to-be?
We would both REALLY love to throw a nice, huge wedding with everyone there and just have a blast. It may cost $31K and we would have to take out a loan to finance it but I really think paying it off won't be a problem in the near future. It's a weird situation where right now, our household income is around $20K while attending school but the minute we are both graduated, it's going to jump (hopefully) to around $200K. Anyone been in this position or just have words of wisdom.....I'm all ears.

Oh, and lastly, we have debated just tossing around the debt from one 0% APR card to another until we can pay it off so it may even be possible to not pay interest (or very little) as we do this. Thanks in advance and sorry for the SUPER long post again.

CLIFFS: Me and fiance are in grad/undergrad school with little money. Want to throw big wedding and borrow against (hopefully) high future income. Is this nieve and stupid? Should we just elope? Thanks in advance!

 

[E B]

Spun,

I wouldn''t go into debt for a wedding. It''s just one day, something you could do at the courthouse. With the big, lavish wedding that doesn''t include the dress or decorations, what are you spending the $25k on, if you don''t mind my asking? Could some of these expenses be cut? There are several ways to DIY and save a lot of money, still having the large wedding that''d include everyone. If not, and you and your family are open to the idea, I''d say elope.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree but ultimately you and your FI should decide. If you are footing the bill make sure you do what you really want.

 

[sosst7]

I agree with EBree, I don''t think I would go into debt for a wedding. My FI is really particular with money and he is against going into a marriage with a lot of debt. I know some people that have switched from one 0% interest credit card to another and it has worked for them. Personally, I think it''s too tricky and it doesn''t take into account for any emergencies that might come up. Soo... my suggestion is to elope! That is what we are doing and it''s not only relatively low-cost but low stress as well! Maybe when you guys get back, you can have a dinner for your close family and friends that weren''t able to make it to the wedding OR you guys can do something on a larger scale for your one year anniversary?

 

[monarch64]

spuncorpceo: #1, don''t count your chickens before they''re hatched. #2, how great would it be to be debt-free post-wedding, and come home to some extra "gift" money in the bank--you''d already be ahead of the game, even if you do end up with fabulous jobs and paychecks! #3, what will make a cooler story to tell the grandkids: "we took off with a few dear friends and family members and were married (insert romantic locale here), and spent x amount of days frolicking nekkid

(just kidding, it''s for the grandkids) in the surf making your parents, OR: we dropped an ungodly amount of money on a ceremony and reception and spent three years paying it off; meanwhile, we almost divorced before your parents came along and distracted us from our financial issues."

I am totally kidding you! Do whatever you think will make you and your future bride the most happy!

OK, most of what I said was tongue-in-cheek, but slightly serious. It''s easy to dream about the big day, but when it comes down to a happy marriage, do you really want 3 years of debt hanging over your heads, along with mortgage payments, car payments, etc?

Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding--I wish you all the best!

 

[Spuncorpceo]

The reason that it was $25K without decorations, etc. was b/c it was about $85/plate + tax and tip. We went looking around at about 1,000,000 different locations to have the ceremony and we found a few places that were like $35/plate and there was nothing wrong with them per say but they were just......meh. Like, everyone would understand that we are strapped for cash and that the locations is....meh, and that would be that, no biggy. Then we found the place that we have reserved and it was just BEAUTIFUL. Everything is absolutely perfect about it so we thought for a long while about it and decided that if we were going to have everyone there, it would be at the more beautiful location.

I really don''t know what to do here. My family is EXTREMELY close (the fiance''s is not so much) and they would die if they could not be at the wedding/reception. I have tossed around the idea in my head of getting married via eloping and then when we get back after the honeymoon, have all of our family and friends together for a big celebration. The thing with that is the wedding and reception are being held at the same place as of right now and the wedding costs $0 extra so in actuallity, eloping, then having the same type of reception would actually cost MORE money and our family wouldn''t get to see us get hitched!

Granted, we could elope for the wedding, do the honeymoon, come back and have a smaller scale reception.......I just dunno. I want the day to be just perfect and awesome and a party to remember because in reality, this is really the best party you will ever throw

I appreciate all of the advice this far and would love to hear other''s input.

 

[june48]

Honestly, I would just do something small and not go into debt. I''m guessing that you''re going for a consulting job after graduating? But what if you decide to go into academia and then do a post-doc for a couple years with all that debt hanging over your head? Has your family offered to help chip in?

 

[peonygirl]

You seem to be asking permission to go into debt.

Ultimately this is only a question that you and your DF can answer, and unless you have had the experience of being in major debt and paying something off long-term (which you probably haven't at 21), you really need to think about this hard.

My DF and I were in a similar position (we're PhD and MD/PhD students), but we never considered going into debt because we knew that even a wedding with only our immediate families would be a happy and joyous occasion that we'd never forget. And either way, we'd be married afterwards, which is pretty much the point of a wedding!

As it turns out our parents are being extremely financially generous, so that pretty much solves that problem.

Point is, this is very individual. But I would have a hard time imagining someone saying "my wedding was too small and simple, I wish we had gone into major debt for it" versus "even though we had an amazing wedding day, it is painful to have to pay off all of these debts when we want to buy a condo, have kids, go on a great vacation, etc." As several people have said, nothing is guaranteed financially; grad school is pretty long, and it's hard to predict exactly what type of job you'll want when you've only completed one quarter of your degree.

 

[pebbles]

We were in a similar situation to you. We had decided to go your first route....bigger wedding, one in a lifetime thing, so invite everyone we know (however, we did NOT go into debt for it). We had wanted to do #3 (elope) but we didn''t because there were elderly grandparents that would not be able to attend and it was very important for us to have them there.

I would NEVER go into debt for a wedding. Looking back, we had a blast with our huge wedding, but we wish we had done something more intimate and spent less money, not in order to MAKE money, but just to have it more personal, as there were people there that we didn''t even get to talk to. We both have big families (mine being bigger though) so there would have been quite a few people that we could not have invited, but in the grand scheme of things, you have to be happy. Do you want to look back and say "gosh, I wish we had done it this way". It sounds like that would be the case if you eloped.

And I totally agree with not counting your chickens before they''re hatched. You are spending income you don''t even have right now. There is no guarantee that you will get an awesome paying job right out of school, even though other graduates with your major have. Who knows what their working environment is like. And there also is a saying that you should live beneath your means.

It really does sound like you want to take out a loan to do this. I just wouldn''t.

 

[anchor31]

My boyfriend and I are getting engaged this summer and getting married once I graduate in 2-3 years. We both have big families and it''d be easy to end up with a 255 guest list too. But there is NO WAY we are doing this. We set ourselves a 7k budget and are going to have a small garden wedding with the ceremony and reception at the same venue and will try to get as close to 50 guests as possible, with a maximum of 80 guests.

Of course it''d be fun to have the big wedding of the year in a cathedral with the huge dress and 200 guests and the limos and stuff... But to us it''s not worth it. A small simple wedding will be much more intimate, special and us. Not to mention that there will be no debt to pay off, we''ll still have money in the bank for a house a couple of years later, and then kids.

If you don''t want to, you don''t have to elope. But there are plenty of ways for you to have a wonderful wedding without getting into debt. Just think about what''s most important for you.

Congratulations, and good luck!!

 

[sydneycasandra]

You have to decide yourself what is the most important to you, BUT...

the idea of bouncing the balance around from 0% APR credit card to credit card is probably a bad one. While they might be useful occasionally to purchase a needed item that you can''t pay for at the time, ultimately you will be doing some damage to your credit rating, and a time may come when you need good credit to purchase something important (car, house, more student loans, whatever) and you either may not be able to get the loan, or not get a good deal at all on the terms & interest because of your history. I am obviously not a credit card company or mortgage lender, but I *am* a highly indebted professional student much like yourselves and I have been warned by people who actually do know what they''re talking about not to do this type of thing, as it only gets you in more trouble later. My FI and I will both make oodles and oodles of money when we graduate but we don''t like to count on it; what if something horrible happened and school had to be put off or cancelled, someone got sick, MVA, etc? Don''t "bank" on your future earning potential; live like you''re a student, and when you do make 5 million dollars a year or whatever consulting, enjoy it to the fullest!

 

[squarediamondlove]

Its hard to really say b/c it ultimately comes down to how you feel.

We were actually in the exact same situation as you (2 students - 1 law the other medicine - with no incomes but in a couple of years or so will have larger income, though about eloping or keeping it small) but then decided to have a big wedding. The only difference is that our parents are helping us out with the wedding, but the high expense still feels very uncomfortable to me. To some extent I sometimes wish we just had a very small exclusive party and that is it - 10 people at the ceremony and then celebrate in some resturant with 30 people tops! We would have saved a lot of $. You get scared of putting so much money, time and effort into one day. My FI however says that as long as this is our only marriage LOL he has no problem with it.

The problem is is that if you elope or not do it up as you seem to want, than you may end up regreting it. The problem of doing it up is the same thing. So its really what you guys want to risk.

Also, you mentioned that it will cost $25,000 just for the catering hall. Make sure you realize that you may end up spending more than just $5,000 for other expenses, like flowers, invites, dress, photographer, video, accessories, tux and etc. Realize that it may may come out to be a $35-40,000 wedding. Problem is that once you decide to do it right, then you will also think that well if we are going to do it right, we might as well get a really nice photographer, or have a nice dress.... you get the idea.

 

[zhuzhu]

I will be about 7 months out of my PhD program and doing a post-doc training (which does not pay much at all) when we get married next year. Unfortunately you can not really hold a decent wedding in San Dieog for anything less than 20K (for under 100 guests). Since eloping was not an option for my fiance and financing the wedding was not an option for me, we decided to share the cost for the wedding and ask family to pitch in if needed. Ultimately you may want to think about long term implications of financing the wedding. Perhaps by deciding if having an impressive wedding is more important than purchasing a nice home sooner, for example.

Best of luck with your wedding!!

Peonygirl, may I ask if you are practicing/going to school in UCSD, Scripps, Salk, or another institute? Thanks!!!

 

[Rhapsody]

I agree with the others to not count on money you aren''t making yet. The job market now is volatile and you have no idea what you will really be able to pull down in the 5-6 years it takes you to finish a phd. 30-40k is A LOT of money to have in loans when you don''t make much money. I don''t even know how possible it would be to get a personal non-secured loan for that amount.

My boyfriend and I are both in "lucrative" fields but we have both found ourselves unexpectedly downsized, fired, sick and couldn''t work and I had to stop working for a while to take care of a very ill family member. I have learned the horrible and hard way that money is never assured and you shouldn''t spend more than you have because you never know what will happen.

 

[San Diego Bride]

i wouldn''t advise going into debt for a wedding. it''s only one day. your marriage, however, will hopefully last a lifetime. i also don''t think you should look to your number of guests to try to determine how much you will get back in gifts. at the very least it''s impractical. if your friends are in school they likely won''t be able to afford lavish gifts. cutting your guest list will be a good way to save money. it might be easier than you think since you have over a year to plan. i wouldn''t tell too many people the date or commit to inviting them, then see where your friendships lie next year. chances are you will have lost touch with some of the people you''d invite now. (of course, you''ll make new friends too, so that may even out some).

what i would do... have a simpler wedding with the people that mean the most to you, enjoy the wedding, work for a couple of years in your high-paying jobs, save some money and, if you still want a lavish party, throw an amazing 5th anniversary bash for everyone you know.

 

[XChick03]

Date: 4/13/2006 2:38:27 AM
Author: pebbles
We were in a similar situation to you. We had decided to go your first route....bigger wedding, one in a lifetime thing, so invite everyone we know (however, we did NOT go into debt for it). We had wanted to do #3 (elope) but we didn''t because there were elderly grandparents that would not be able to attend and it was very important for us to have them there.


I would NEVER go into debt for a wedding. Looking back, we had a blast with our huge wedding, but we wish we had done something more intimate and spent less money, not in order to MAKE money, but just to have it more personal, as there were people there that we didn''t even get to talk to. We both have big families (mine being bigger though) so there would have been quite a few people that we could not have invited, but in the grand scheme of things, you have to be happy. Do you want to look back and say ''gosh, I wish we had done it this way''. It sounds like that would be the case if you eloped.


And I totally agree with not counting your chickens before they''re hatched. You are spending income you don''t even have right now. There is no guarantee that you will get an awesome paying job right out of school, even though other graduates with your major have. Who knows what their working environment is like. And there also is a saying that you should live beneath your means.


It really does sound like you want to take out a loan to do this. I just wouldn''t.

I totally agree with this and that first paragraph described our situation exactly.

This is what bothered me in your post "the average starting salary of someone with my degree is around $95,000 with a $15,000 sign on bonus, give or take. A student who graduated last year with the same degree I''m pursuing got a job right out of grad school paying $250K/year with a $40K sign on......" If it''s gone down from $250k to $95k, how do you know it won''t decrease significantly by the time you graduate? Those jobs might not even be in demand anymore. Even if you''re going for a job that "always" pays well, like a doctor or attorney, they don''t start off making anything. It it takes 5-10 for a doctor or attorney to make any money at all. So, I definitely would NOT go into debt for a wedding. You''d probably end up regretting it. I''ve heard so many people say they wish they''d have spent less money on their wedding or just done it smaller, but I''ve never heard anyone say they wish they''d spent more or had a bigger wedding. In the end, its still your decision though.