Do you have any rules for fighting with SO?

[ravengirl]

A thread on another forum got me thinking about this:

Have you and your SO ever laid out rules for fighting/arguing/debating/discussing?

My boyfriend and I belong to different political parties, and we actually LOVE to debate each other. It''s how we first became friends.

We''re both very respectful and can refrain from taking things personally, so that helps.

Regardless, as mature as we like to think of ourselves, after one debate getting a little more heated than we liked (pretty early on in our relationship), we decided to lay some ground rules. This applies both for our fun political debates, and for any relationship arguments.

1. No yelling
2. Absolutely no swearing
3. We must discuss things in person, facing each other. It''s easier to say mean things in phone calls, texts, emails, or when you''re storming out of a room.
4. We try to always be touching, at least a little. A lot of times this takes the form of sitting on a couch with our legs up on the couch intertwined.

For the record, the argument that we had did not entail swearing, but we did end up yelling at each other. Within a few minutes we both realized how unproductive and hurtful that was, apologized, and made these little rules. I think it''s been really helpful, just knowing that the first two things are off limits. I like how the second two rules force us to be more aware of the other person, leading us to be more considerate of each other.

Anyway, I was curious if anyone else has little rules like this!

 

[trillionaire]

no cursing!
no name calling!
no break-up threats, ever, whether arguing or not!
no yelling!
... any excessive sarcasm will also get the argument shut down!

 

[soocool]

we just have to have great sex afterwards!

 

[ravengirl]

Oh yes, no name calling---that''s one of ours too!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Raven, I think your rules are good. I think my number one rule is don''t say anything you''ll regret. My take on most things in relationships is you''re an adult and you''re responsible for your actions. Your actions have consequences, good or bad. So if you''re not ready for either outcome, good or bad, don''t do it! That can be applied to cheating, lying, ultimatums, arguments, drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc.

 

[ravengirl]

Date: 6/17/2009 4:20:32 PM
Author: soocool
we just have to have great sex afterwards!

Lol, excellent rule.

 

[InLuv101]

No cursing (although we don't in everyday life anyway)
No yelling
No name calling
No bringing up old stuff/past issues
No interrupting
No exaggerating (You ALWAYS do this or You NEVER do that)
And no threatening to leave the marriage

 

[princesss]

No name calling
No swearing
No bringing up outside events unless they''re relevant
No bringing other people into it
No yelling
Resolve it as soon as possible
Be honest
L-I-S-T-E-N

They''ve never been said out loud, but those are the rules. I think we''ve raised our voices once, and that came from me (it was over something pretty stupid, too).

 

[April20]

Our only rule is that we settle any arguments when they occur and do not let things stew. We''ve never actually outlined it, but yelling, cursing, name calling, etc would be unacceptable to either one of us and we don''t do it.

 

[tlh]

I win.

 

[Mara]

don''t draw visible blood.

 

[packrat]

Common courtesy I suppose would be ours..no yelling, swearing etc. Never to say anything like, "I wish I''d never married you" or anything hurtful like that..the "D" word isn''t thrown around. We always apologize..and I always accept his apology by reminding him that it will be added to the list of why he needs to buy me jewelry. We tend to keep a sense of humor about ourselves, regardless.

 

[swingirl]

NEVER bring up in-laws or parents!!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

No name calling.
No going to bed angry if it can be avoided.
Enough is enough...this is something that we both just "feel"...like when there isn''t going to an easy resolution, we just agree to disagree.
Yelling is okay, because yelling is different than "screaming".
Don''t get "personal" and absolutely no reaching...this means saying things that aren''t relevent or would intentionally hurt the person. Basically, we keep the argument within the arugment.

 

[Lilac]

We haven''t exactly outlined them out loud, but we both would never curse, name-call, or threaten break up/divorce. We do fight, but we would never EVER threaten or even consider leaving our marriage, so we would never say it or even think it. We also both try not to exaggerate with the use of words like "never" or "always." We try not to point fingers (like saying "you made me so mad" - we try as much as possible to say things like "what happened makes me feel upset.." instead.)

 

[somethingshiny]

MUST argue at the kitchen table-therefore, no "threat" perceived and no "in-your-face"
No name calling
No cursing
No past behavior mentioned
No bringing in the family
No yelling (although we have to keep reminding each other)
MUST listen to the other''s entire side of the argument
Can take notes if you can''t keep your thoughts straight


We''ve been married for ten years and only about 4-5 years ago came up with our rules. We used to have terrible fights and we both decided we weren''t going to deal with that for the rest of our lives. I think arguing styles and rules should be agreed upon before marriage now. It was nothing I had considered before.

 

[radiantquest]

we really dont fight, well not enough to get to a place to lay ground rules. usually i am the one that is angry about something he said or did. he is rarely mad at me. so usually i am the one yelling. i dont start yelling, but when he is "digging his hole deeper" i begin to yell. if he says something that is out of line i usually tell him that he is a bad word for saying that. it goes on like this until it is over. i refuse to go to bed mad. it must be over or we will not sleep.

i have told him what needs to be said and done to calm me down. so as long as he remembers the key things i will usually calm down quickly.
this is what i have told him so that i will feel better about the situation.
listen to what i have to say even if i keep repeating myself
think about how he would feel if i did/said what he did
tell me that he is sorry

as long as he follows those rules our fights typically dont last any longer than 30 minutes

i also do these things when he is mad at me and it seems to work for us.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Rules:
1. You can only pick on the argument and logic, NEVER the person.
2. Tickling is cheating.

Just as a funny aside, I may be one of the few people on pricescope who used to regularly, physically fight with their significant other.

We met through martial arts, and we were both on the school competition team, so we sparred a lot during practice. No serious injuries, just some bruises for the both of us, lol.

 

[TravelingGal]

Rules? Ha.

If there is a rule, it is that I walk away when he''s mad. No point in talking when he''s mad. The next day everyone is ready for an discussion, not an argument.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/18/2009 1:22:43 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Rules? Ha.

If there is a rule, it is that I walk away when he''s mad. No point in talking when he''s mad. The next day everyone is ready for an discussion, not an argument.

Yup, that would be us. We don''t fight per say, but if we do the next day is a good day for a discussion..

I don''t hold a grudge either, that''s just too much negative energy. I''d rather just move on once he''s said I am right....

 

[Linda W]

Rules???

Ha ha ha. I could just see the look on my hubby''s face, if I told him we had rules for arguing, when we were first married.

I''m with T-Gal and Kaleigh, if DH and I have a "discussion", the next day it is solved. We also don''t hold grudges.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2009 9:18:04 PM
Author: somethingshiny
MUST argue at the kitchen table-therefore, no ''threat'' perceived and no ''in-your-face''

No name calling

No cursing

No past behavior mentioned

No bringing in the family

No yelling (although we have to keep reminding each other)

MUST listen to the other''s entire side of the argument

Can take notes if you can''t keep your thoughts straight



We''ve been married for ten years and only about 4-5 years ago came up with our rules. We used to have terrible fights and we both decided we weren''t going to deal with that for the rest of our lives. I think arguing styles and rules should be agreed upon before marriage now. It was nothing I had considered before.

It''s interesting that you came up with rules years into your relationship, how cool! I love that you decided together that you didn''t want to deal with it until death do you part, and then nipped it in the bud. I have a roomie who was with a guy for 7 yrs and she said that they would have arguments that lasted 4-5 hrs. Literally. Arguing, the entire time. They were both fiery Geminis that met at 18 and got into really bad patterns of interaction, and it caused a lot of stress and friction. They are both great people, but they are better as friends now... my roomie is so much happier and lighter now!

And I agree with what some others have said... we didn''t have formal rules, they were more or less emergent... we both already basically played by the same rules naturally, but those that I listed above are more or less ''deal breakers'' when disagreeing. We rarely have skirmishes or tiffs, so I don''t even really like to use the term. We have occassional misunderstandings or passionate disagreements, but I personally am pretty quick to apologize and own up to my part, which helps him to be willing to do the same. The only rule that was explicit was the ''no threatening to break up'' rule. SO told me that growing up, his mom would threaten to divorce his dad when they would get into bad fights, and that if I threatened to leave out of anger, then he would just be done with me. Now, I''m not the type to threaten that type of things anyway, and my parents never fought like that, either, but I really loved and respected the fact that he put his foot down about that. Men with strong convictions are so SEXY!

 

[Kelli]

Lots of yelling and name calling (my rule)

Dig deep and reach hard for ANYTHING you can throw in the other's face when you start to lose (definitely HIS rule!)

NO leaving in the middle of a fight (his rule, but I break it to take a walk around the block sometimes)

NO break-up threats (his rule and I totally agree--although we have both half-heartedly broken it on occasion.

)

NO going to sleep mad (my rule, which he breaks every time)

We never fight over anything serious, but will have big blowouts every once in a long while when one of us is snippy and the other one is sensitive. If it were up to him, we'd fight cuddling in bed, but that doesn't work when I'm mad at him.

Honestly now.

Luckily we don't fight too often, because after all these years we're still not good at it.

 

[misskitty]

Walking away to cool off/collect thoughts is okay, but there''s a defined radius (no leaving the house/yard) so the other party doesn''t feel walked-away FROM.

At the end of the fight, no sleeping in separate rooms. I''m not sure how we landed on this rule, but it''s a very firm one. And we like this rule, because somehow it leads to the fight ending before bedtime.

 

[meresal]

Our rule is that you aren't allowed to leave. We go to separate rooms and cool off, but you are not allowed to leave when one of us is still upset. It has really helped to learn how to resolve issues quickly and move past it. We cool off, then we sit and talk about why each of us got irritated, and then we both apologize.

This mainly arose because I moved to FI's home town, where he has tons of friends. We got in a fight one night a few years ago, and he went over to his friends house. I didn't know anyone here and it meant I sat in the apartment crying my eyes out with no one to talk to. Wasn't fair IMO, so we stay around eachother until we have talked it out. I have freinds here now, so it's not the same reasoning, but I still think it has helped us in a huge way, so we have maintained it.

I'm glad to see that it is something that many other couples adapt as well.

Kelli- I love your rules!!

 

[LilyKat]

I don''t yet (too early in the relationship for arguments, it''s still all fluffy bunnies and roses), but I think your rules are great, ravengirl. If all couples upheld them (or any mutually agreed fighting rules, for that matter), there would be far fewer unhappy relationships. Almost looking forward to our first fight so I can institute them

 

[Kelli]

Date: 6/18/2009 1:22:17 PM
Author: meresal
Our rule is that you aren''t allowed to leave. We go to separate rooms and cool off, but you are not allowed to leave when one of us is still upset. It has really helped to learn how to resolve issues quickly and move past it. We cool off, then we sit and talk about why each of us got irritated, and then we both apologize.

This mainly arose because I moved to FI''s home town, where he has tons of friends. We got in a fight one night a few years ago, and he went over to his friends house. I didn''t know anyone here and it meant I sat in the apartment crying my eyes out with no one to talk to. Wasn''t fair IMO, so we stay around eachother until we have talked it out. I have freinds here now, so it''s not the same reasoning, but I still think it has helped us in a huge way, so we have maintained it.

I''m glad to see that it is something that many other couples adapt as well.

Kelli- I love your rules!!

LOL thanks meresal.

Just had to be honest. We SUCK at fighting, but we''re good at everything else, and the next day we''re always fine. Sometimes it just needs to be done. But I agree with your not leaving rule. I used to love to just get in my car and drive, and it drove DF crazy. Now I''m limited to walking around the block, and I will admit it''s much better that way. I would be devastated if he left for his friend''s house too. That must have been horrible.

 

[pennquaker09]

We''ve only had arguments a handful of times in the 5 years we''ve been together.

 

[monarch64]

What a great thread. I don''t have a SO right now, but reading these responses has reinforced in my mind how i would like to treat, and be treated by, a partner. Many of the "rules" that posters have mentioned were brought up but largely ignored in my marriage and that definitely led to its demise. What works for some doesn''t necessarily work for others, but if you have a style and it works for you/keeps you both happy, fulfilled, and together, then that is wonderful.

Ravengirl, thank you for starting this topic.