Do You Ladies Ever Feel Resentful?

[trueblue101]

I may regret asking this but do you ever feel resentful towards your bf for making you wait as long as he has?
Back in Jan, I told my bf that I wanted to me engaged within 6 months and he told me that he probably would not make me wait that long. I am still not engaged BUT we are still within the 6 month timeframe so I really cannot be mad (however, I realized that I threw out the 6 month deadline without giving it much thought and considering that I have been ready to get engaged for a while now, I should have made it sooner bc my resentment has been manifesting all over the place the past few months).

Two weeks ago he told me I have been a bit difficult to handle and I told him that I screwed up with the timeline and it should have been shorter. I reiterated that I do not care for a big fancy proposal and the best one he could give me is one sooner than later. I also explained the stress that this is putting on my parents (cultural issues and my dad is also sick). Given all that, he has still NOT proposed. I mean, I told him that he could do it when we were at home sitting in our sweats. therefore eliminating the stress of planning something. He knows my parents are stressed/upset and he knows DAMN well that I just want to be engaged.

He has had the ring since March and I know that I should be patient (BLAH, BLAH, BLAH) but you know what? I am a little pissed and resentful that knowing what he knows (mistaken timeline, cultural issues, my parents stressed, no need for big fancy proposal) he still has not proposed. Everyone says that once he does all of this hurt and resentment will go away but I just do not know if it will. I feel like this has really tainted the whole process for me.

I know I probably sound like a brat but I needed to vent.

I really hope non of you ladies are feeling like I am.

Thanks for listening!

 

[madelise]

Yes. Last year, I was very resentful. We almost broke up for good. My LIW-itis got to the point of resentment and depression, and I secretly hated him for things that were out of his hand (losing a contract at his job and having to start over= me waiting). I think I got so caught up in the giddiness of it all, that the let down of reality was too much for me to handle. It took a long time for us to reconcile over the hurtful things I said in the middle of him telling me he was considering leaving.

In retrospect, I was being a complete D-Bag! But I totally didn't realize it at the moment. I was having a total woe-is-me melt down, and HE was the enemy, and I was the victim.. when in reality, I was victimizing him!!! I bet that's how you're feeling right now-- like a victim.

Sweetie, for all you know, he had a surprise proposal up his sleeves for the imminent future, but your blow up has made your relationship less-than-perfect for the time being.. causing him to push back any proposals to a more peaceful time.

My advice is for you to STOP THINKING about engagements and weddings. Engulf yourself in your favorite hobbies. Spend time with friends and family, especially since your father is ill. Spend less "blah" days with the FF of just hanging around, and doing nothing. Spend those days with friends. Go on a romantic dates with the FF. Take your time at meals, and talk for hours. Get your zen back by going back to 'normal'.

You saying it is him tainting the process really alarms me (I was feeling EXACTLY this way, last year). I honestly don't feel he should be proposing right now.. because it's true. You will associate his proposal time with a time of anxiety, hurt, and frustration. It'll just feel like a, "it's about damn time!/ FINALLY" thing.. I think you guys should wait for a happier time.

We LIWS just sometimes need to take a breather and remind ourselves that a proposal and an engagement is not all about us, the gals. It's about US, the couples. Not about cultural and/or parent expectations. It's about the relationship. Just you, just him. Half you, half him. Don't forget that *he* needs to feel it, too!

I'm truly sorry you're feeling upset. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're being strung along.. and having "engagement" dangle in front of your face Go get yourself a massage and a manicure/pedicure. and a box of Godiva and I hope you guys get to a better place, soon!

 

[trueblue101]

Yes. Last year, I was very resentful. We almost broke up for good. My LIW-itis got to the point of resentment and depression, and I secretly hated him for things that were out of his hand (losing a contract at his job and having to start over= me waiting). I think I got so caught up in the giddiness of it all, that the let down of reality was too much for me to handle. It took a long time for us to reconcile over the hurtful things I said in the middle of him telling me he was considering leaving.

In retrospect, I was being a complete D-Bag! But I totally didn't realize it at the moment. I was having a total woe-is-me melt down, and HE was the enemy, and I was the victim.. when in reality, I was victimizing him!!! I bet that's how you're feeling right now-- like a victim.

Sweetie, for all you know, he had a surprise proposal up his sleeves for the imminent future, but your blow up has made your relationship less-than-perfect for the time being.. causing him to push back any proposals to a more peaceful time.

My advice is for you to STOP THINKING about engagements and weddings. Engulf yourself in your favorite hobbies. Spend time with friends and family, especially since your father is ill. Spend less "blah" days with the FF of just hanging around, and doing nothing. Spend those days with friends. Go on a romantic dates with the FF. Take your time at meals, and talk for hours. Get your zen back by going back to 'normal'.

You saying it is him tainting the process really alarms me (I was feeling EXACTLY this way, last year). I honestly don't feel he should be proposing right now.. because it's true. You will associate his proposal time with a time of anxiety, hurt, and frustration. It'll just feel like a, "it's about damn time!/ FINALLY" thing.. I think you guys should wait for a happier time.

We LIWS just sometimes need to take a breather and remind ourselves that a proposal and an engagement is not all about us, the gals. It's about US, the couples. Not about cultural and/or parent expectations. It's about the relationship. Just you, just him. Half you, half him. Don't forget that *he* needs to feel it, too!

I'm truly sorry you're feeling upset. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're being strung along.. and having "engagement" dangle in front of your face Go get yourself a massage and a manicure/pedicure. and a box of Godiva and I hope you guys get to a better place, soon!

Hi Madalise,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful post! I knew that someone here has gone through this and would be able to offer some rational advice. I am sorry that your situation got as bad as it did and I am glad that you worked it out.

And you are so right about this not being the best time to propose bc we are always fighting. I mean, why would I think that he would want to propose if I am always picking a fight with him about proposing? We have gotten better since that last talk and our 2 year anniversary is on June 15th so he may (or may not be) planning something for that day. And if he doesnt that is okay also because I really want this to be a poitive experience for him also.

Anyways, thanks again for being the voice of reason!

 

[madelise]

Hi Madalise,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful post! I knew that someone here has gone through this and would be able to offer some rational advice. I am sorry that your situation got as bad as it did and I am glad that you worked it out.

And you are so right about this not being the best time to propose bc we are always fighting. I mean, why would I think that he would want to propose if I am always picking a fight with him about proposing? We have gotten better since that last talk and our 2 year anniversary is on June 15th so he may (or may not be) planning something for that day. And if he doesnt that is okay also because I really want this to be a poitive experience for him also.

Anyways, thanks again for being the voice of reason!

No problem. If anything, our fall out made us stronger. It taught us how to better communicate, and taught us a lot about each other's coping methods.


June 15 is tomorrow! That's quick.. but either way, don't vent to him! Come here and vent to us . Let him think you're peaceful and happy !!

 

[gatorblue]

I know exactly how you feel, because I've gone back and forth between feeling resentful.... and feeling like I'm being a total brat.

I know A is just doing things on his own time, which hasn't quite meshed with my own opinion of how the whole thing should have gone, but I've learned to accept it (what else can I do?). It took him 3 1/2 months from the time he and his mom first discussed the possibility of us getting engaged to even bring it up to me. Then an entire year passed before he actually bought the ring. In that time we were prodded and harassed by friends and family - his mom was genuinely afraid I was going to leave him! My mom even called his mom expressing concern that my grandmother wouldn't be able to travel by the time we finally got married. He knew all of this, but still did nothing.

I think most of his procrastination had to do with the fact that it WAS such a big deal to me, and to our families. I feel like it snowballed until it was this huge ball of impossible-to-handle pressure and instead of saying, "They're right, I should have proposed by now," he decided to avoid the topic altogether. I made it clear many times that I didn't care about having an expensive ring or choreographed, proposal, but he still felt the pressure.

His silence and seeming indifference was torture. I fretted, overanalyzed and assumed. At one point I was convinced that he never had any intention of marrying me, ever. It affected how I spoke to him and treated him - which led to fights over stupid things. Even though I wasn't sure whether I was being too harsh or too soft, I told him how I was feeling about the whole thing, and once I got it off my chest, things started to get better. Eventually, I decided that I needed to make a conscious effort to strip away my anxiety (or at least learn to hide it!) and return to my former self, the woman he fell in love with. We started having fun, again. The topic of engagement popped back up.. and this time, it just fell into place - no drama, no procrastination. (Yes, I'm still a little peeved about how this all went down, but in the end I know it won't matter as much as I thought it would.)

I know not everyone's story is the same, but I've learned a few things recently that might be helpful - one, that it's COMPLETELY OK to feel angry and resentful sometimes. Engagement (and specifically, a proposal) is an important time in your life and when someone doesn't seem to be treating it like so, it can hurt - a lot. If you haven't already, express that to him in a calm, truthful way. That you want him to be ready, but at the same time, he's hurting your feelings by acting indifferent and putting it off for what appears to be no reason. If he's not ready for it yet, he might just be afraid of disappointing you even more than you already are... but it would be much better if he were open and honest about it, especially if he's going to miss the timeline you already agreed on. As I told A, "Letting a woman's mind wander is NOT a good thing!"

I can't say with 100% certainty you'll 'forget' about all of your feelings once he proposes, but I think just like with anything, over time, it will hurt less and less - until it's just a funny story you tell your grandkids while punching your husband-of-50-years in the arm.
Good luck and keep us updated - always here to listen!

((Sorry for the novel. Just very personally touched by your post and wanted to reassure you that you're not alone!!))
**And of course, this could all be moot because your anniversary is tomorrow! But just in case...**

 

[mandasand]

Sometimes a dose of "Girls Night Out" helps these kinds of situations. Your besties will bring you back to reality. They did for me last Friday, reminding me I have a good man and I should be respectful of his timeline. You already know he's committed and planning a future with you, so just relax. It's hard, I know. Men are funny creatures. Mine is a saint for accepting me. Relax, relax, relax (I'm saying this to myself at the same time!!)

 

[trueblue101]

Hi Madalise,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful post! I knew that someone here has gone through this and would be able to offer some rational advice. I am sorry that your situation got as bad as it did and I am glad that you worked it out.

And you are so right about this not being the best time to propose bc we are always fighting. I mean, why would I think that he would want to propose if I am always picking a fight with him about proposing? We have gotten better since that last talk and our 2 year anniversary is on June 15th so he may (or may not be) planning something for that day. And if he doesnt that is okay also because I really want this to be a poitive experience for him also.

Anyways, thanks again for being the voice of reason!

No problem. If anything, our fall out made us stronger. It taught us how to better communicate, and taught us a lot about each other's coping methods.


June 15 is tomorrow! That's quick.. but either way, don't vent to him! Come here and vent to us . Let him think you're peaceful and happy !!

Hi Madalise,

Well I am glad that something "good" came out of your fight with him and that you guys are at a happier place. Remind me again what your story is (how long you have been waiting and when you expect it to happen).

Yes, June 15th is here but I already know that it will not happen today and that is fine. I am just going to focus on how the past two years have been, by far without a doubt, the best two years of my life!

Thanks again for letting me vent (aka- be a brat).

 

[madelise]

I'm so glad this blew over for you, and you got your proposal!! !!! eek!

 

[trueblue101]

Hi Gatorblue,

I am so sorry for the delayed response. I just reread your entire post and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that this has been a stressful time for you but I am glad to hear that you guys started to have fun again and that you are turning back to the woman he fell in love with!!!! It sounds like that you guys are at a good place right now. Any updates? What is your timeline (if you even have one)?

As someone who was holding on to resentment, I can say (at least for me) that it disappeared once he proposed. I am not sure if that is the case for everyone but it applied to most women that I talked to and I hope that the same happens for you.

Thanks again so much for your thoughful post, you really had some insighful advice!

Good luck and I hope to be reading your proposal story soon!

I know exactly how you feel, because I've gone back and forth between feeling resentful.... and feeling like I'm being a total brat.

I know A is just doing things on his own time, which hasn't quite meshed with my own opinion of how the whole thing should have gone, but I've learned to accept it (what else can I do?). It took him 3 1/2 months from the time he and his mom first discussed the possibility of us getting engaged to even bring it up to me. Then an entire year passed before he actually bought the ring. In that time we were prodded and harassed by friends and family - his mom was genuinely afraid I was going to leave him! My mom even called his mom expressing concern that my grandmother wouldn't be able to travel by the time we finally got married. He knew all of this, but still did nothing.

I think most of his procrastination had to do with the fact that it WAS such a big deal to me, and to our families. I feel like it snowballed until it was this huge ball of impossible-to-handle pressure and instead of saying, "They're right, I should have proposed by now," he decided to avoid the topic altogether. I made it clear many times that I didn't care about having an expensive ring or choreographed, proposal, but he still felt the pressure.

His silence and seeming indifference was torture. I fretted, overanalyzed and assumed. At one point I was convinced that he never had any intention of marrying me, ever. It affected how I spoke to him and treated him - which led to fights over stupid things. Even though I wasn't sure whether I was being too harsh or too soft, I told him how I was feeling about the whole thing, and once I got it off my chest, things started to get better. Eventually, I decided that I needed to make a conscious effort to strip away my anxiety (or at least learn to hide it!) and return to my former self, the woman he fell in love with. We started having fun, again. The topic of engagement popped back up.. and this time, it just fell into place - no drama, no procrastination. (Yes, I'm still a little peeved about how this all went down, but in the end I know it won't matter as much as I thought it would.)

I know not everyone's story is the same, but I've learned a few things recently that might be helpful - one, that it's COMPLETELY OK to feel angry and resentful sometimes. Engagement (and specifically, a proposal) is an important time in your life and when someone doesn't seem to be treating it like so, it can hurt - a lot. If you haven't already, express that to him in a calm, truthful way. That you want him to be ready, but at the same time, he's hurting your feelings by acting indifferent and putting it off for what appears to be no reason. If he's not ready for it yet, he might just be afraid of disappointing you even more than you already are... but it would be much better if he were open and honest about it, especially if he's going to miss the timeline you already agreed on. As I told A, "Letting a woman's mind wander is NOT a good thing!"

I can't say with 100% certainty you'll 'forget' about all of your feelings once he proposes, but I think just like with anything, over time, it will hurt less and less - until it's just a funny story you tell your grandkids while punching your husband-of-50-years in the arm.
Good luck and keep us updated - always here to listen!

((Sorry for the novel. Just very personally touched by your post and wanted to reassure you that you're not alone!!))
**And of course, this could all be moot because your anniversary is tomorrow! But just in case...**