Do you think its rude to invite guests 18 years old and up?

[DonaBella]

My son is newly engaged and will marry July 22, 2006. He and his fiancee have expressed concern over having people bring their kids to the wedding and reception, which I know from experience, can be frustrating for all concerned. Because of the venue they are limiting the number of guests to 150 people. Both the ceremony and the reception will be held at the same place. Because it will be held quite a distance away from our home(we live in Riverside and the wedding/reception will be held in Dana Point more than likely), I am prepared for the flack my husband and I may receive from those who will not be able to attend for whatever reason. I know that alot of folks seem to get agitated when their kids are fussy at these functions and I, too, want to spare all of us that distraction on this special day, but do we word the invites? Tact us essential so I need help--fast!

 

[elephant]

Well, what if you stuck the kids in a separate room with a "babysitter?" You could serve them pizza, put movies on, etc. That wouldn''t be too bad then?

OR

I would just throw in an "Adults Only" somewhere on the invite. I mean, people SHOULD know by how you address the invites.... For example, if John and Mary Smith have children and the inner envelope only says: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, that should be a huge clue?

I''ve seen it where they say something like: Please join us for an adult reception. Something along those lines?

 

[DonaBella]

Thank you Elephant for that suggestion! I especially like "Adults only reception"...

We do plan on putting a slip in for rsvping who is coming and we could re-emphasize who is actually invited that way as well. It is a sit-down dinner so we will need to know for sure who is coming...

Thanks!

 

[ivanadiamond]

We had an adults only wedding and addressed the invitations only to the people invited. Typically, the only people on the envelope named are the ones invited. If you are including an RSVP card, you can see if people include their childrens names and call them and explain.

I have friends that had baby-sitting options and it work out great in many cases. Often though, the parents had more fun knowing their kids were at home in their own bed with a baby sitter or family member...some people took their kids out of the babysitting room because they were crying and it kinda sucked for the other people at the table...

we had a lot of people call and ask if they could bring dates or children...most people were totally cool with the no kid factor- And if they were not then too bad for them...in the end you should do what makes your son and his fiance happy and not please other people...because you never can please everyone...

on a side note, we actually had someone call and ask what the children's menu would be, we told them that it was a grown-up wedding, they were a bit taken back- oh well!

 

[MelissaSue]

I don''t think its rude, but you will run into guests who will! I personally think that weddings are "ADULT" events. Not really a place for kids.. Most of the people I know who have kids are GLAD to have the night off from thier kids to go out and enjoy themselves. However, especially if guests are from out of town, they may have a problem with the situation. They can''t just leave their kid in the hotel room!

 

[ame]

You can definitely tell people that due to limited space and age restrictions at the venue that children under 18 cannot be brought or present. BUT be prepared for attitudes you don''t want ot deal with and people who bring children anyway. If they do, mention to them privately that because the venue doesn''t allow children their child will not be fed at the dinner.

Make sure you put that in the invite/reception card AND the RSVP info and STRESS over and over as politely as you can NO KIDS.

ALSO--because of this choice you should consider hiring a babysitter to watch kids that still get brought. Maybe a hotel room if this facility is a hotel, or someone''s home.

 

[rfath]

I''ll second what ame said...

We really didn''t want kids at our wedding. Space was limited and we really had to pare down our list. It was disappointing that some members of my fiance''s family invited their children themselves, then requested that we provide vegetarian meal options for those same children. The response options were limited since this particular part of the family hasn''t bothered to get together for more than a decade and decided that our wedding would be the perfect family reunion and fiance''s mother REALLY wanted them to all get together, so we opted to just grin and bear it and apologize profusely to the dear friends we weren''t able to invite.

Don''t think for a second that any of your guests will pick up on the etiquette implicit in the addressing of your invitations... most people just aren''t aware of that level of subtlety

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 9/1/2005 6:11:06 PM
Author: ivanadiamond
We had an adults only wedding and addressed the invitations only to the people invited. Typically, the only people on the envelope named are the ones invited. If you are including an RSVP card, you can see if people include their childrens names and call them and explain.

We did the same exact thing...we only addressed the invitations to the adults of the family and did not include the children. If we got calls inquiring if this was an oversight, we would explain to them that it was a late evening affair and not really meant for children and babysitting services would not be provided. I had one aunt that balked over it, but otherwise, most understood.

 

[ivanadiamond]

Also, we had my mom and hubby''s mom be the messenger when talking to family prior to the invites going out. So most people knew before they RSVP''d that it was adults only...We did it with our friends too, we just told them and most of them were totally fine...

 

[MINE!!]

We have the exact opposite of this situation. We are encouraging people to bring their children. We are providing additional space and fun activites for children.

I can understand if people would not want children there however. I think that it would be worse if people brought their children and had the sense that their kids were not wanted. Therefore I would be blunt with people, perhaps even saying that the wedding and reception are for those over 18. I would however (but this is only personally) help people from out fo town find childcare.

But that is just my opinion.

 

[VuittonGal]

I''ve seen a lot of invitations that say "adult reception to follow". However, according to Martha Stewart (pre indictment

) the proper way is to have invitations with an inner envelope. That envelope should list everyone who is invited to the wedding. Just don''t list the kids! If the guest doesn''t understand, they''ll call for clarification and you (or your son or his fiancee) can say that the venue just cannot accommodate more than 150 guests, so unfortunately, you had to limit it to an adult reception.

 

[MelissaSue]

Okay... its neat to see these different perspectives on the matter.. At first, I didn''t want kids at all at my reception, except for flowergirls, ringbearers, etc..

BUT.. my FMIL without ever asking me my opinion on the matter decided that her neices 5-year old twin boys would definitely be attending the reception. NOW.. keep in mind, that I''m not even inviting my FIRST COUSINS to the wedding, adult or child (I have a lot of them, they would just about double our guest lists if they all brought dates). And here she is assuming that my fiance''s cousins CHILDREN shouls be invited.. I decide that I don''t care enough to fight about it.. so they''re coming.. whatever.. I also told my MOH that if she wants she can bring her infant twins to the reception. I have no problem with babies.. they don''t bother anyone.

BUT.. here comes the issue. I''m not inviting my cousins. This will be clear to the cousins who are adults, as they just won''t get invitations.. But I have I think four or five cousins that will still be minors, or at least living with their parents. Most will be teenagers.. and honestly if they showed up I wouldn''t care, as long as they didn''t bring dates or whatever.. if they just came with mom and dad, i could handle the extra person or two. they could be in charge of the little ones. The mother of one of them has already inquired and my mom said that "as of now I wasn''t inviting any cousins".. but the one i REALLY don''t want there is about a 9 year old boy.. The kid is a MONSTER. I feel as though he could single-handedly ruin my wedding, and I''m not exaggerating. How do I handle THAT situation? I can''t say i''m not inviting kids..because there will be kids there.. I guess I can tell them that I''m not inviting Cousins, but thats kind of bitchy.. I think..

 

[DonaBella]

I really appreciate everyone''s views on this issue...It can be a tough issue to deal with, depending on your individual situation. No one wants someone''s brat stealing the thunder of the moment. I think if I had a potential situation like that I would risk talking to the problem child''s parents and make sure they know ahead of time that their child is a risk to my happiness(if I was the bride) of the day. I would hope that would make it clear that it was not a good idea to have him come. Another idea, which was suggested for thiis post...have a couple of hired babysitters in an adjoining area--far enough away to not detract from the events, but close enough if there is an emergency or for comfort--and pizza for the kiddos. There could be videos and games going on in there and MAYBE this would disspell a potential problem child from ruling the roost...

In our situation, very few kids are--in general--a part of our families, but some of the potential guests may have kids. I know that we are compiling the guest list and scrutinizing it for probable problems. Obviously, nothing is problem-proof or guaranteed and I--personally, as the mother of the groom--am doing what i can to help...

Again...thanks to all...you are awesome and come through...as usual!

 

[ame]

Date: 9/2/2005 9:13:20 AM
Author: VuittonGal
I''ve seen a lot of invitations that say ''adult reception to follow''. However, according to Martha Stewart (pre indictment

) the proper way is to have invitations with an inner envelope. That envelope should list everyone who is invited to the wedding. Just don''t list the kids! If the guest doesn''t understand, they''ll call for clarification and you (or your son or his fiancee) can say that the venue just cannot accommodate more than 150 guests, so unfortunately, you had to limit it to an adult reception.

Doesn''t mean they won''t just bring them anyway though.

 

[Jennifer5973]

It''s your son''s and his fiancee''s wedding--they should have it the way THEY want it, and if that means no children, then that''s the way it is. My personal opinion is also that weddings are adult affairs but it''s an individual choice, and one that must be respected.

In my experience, it is true that the invitation is addressed to the persons invited: Mr. & Mrs. John Jones...or The Jones Family (indicating all , including children, at that address are invited). There is always a risk that people are either dense or rude, and try to bring the kids but most people should understand form the invitation language.

Good luck.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/2/2005 10:46:06 PM
Author: Jennifer5973
It's your son's and his fiancee's wedding--they should have it the way THEY want it, and if that means no children, then that's the way it is. My personal opinion is also that weddings are adult affairs but it's an individual choice, and one that must be respected.

In my experience, it is true that the invitation is addressed to the persons invited: Mr. & Mrs. John Jones...or The Jones Family (indicating all , including children, at that address are invited). There is always a risk that people are either dense or rude, and try to bring the kids but most people should understand form the invitation language.

Good luck.

Totally agree Jen - we didn't want kids at our wedding and tried to make it as clear as possible on the invitations. I had been to too many weddings where a child started screaming throught the vows

or running up and down the dancefloor and sending Grandma lifting off into orbit!

Only one guest brought their young daughter

and I was a bit miffed - not because she was any trouble because she wasn't but because this was OUR day and I wanted our wishes to be respected

When my BIL got married, our nephew started screaming on cue right as they started saying their vows - the bride went RIGID with fury, she said she didn't want the kids there but obviously this was family and I think if she had pushed it any more there would have been an unholy row!

It is a shame because the child's wailing was all you could hear and on the video too

Anyway I really hope your son's wedding is all you could wish for, I think clear and tactful invites are the WTG and most people will be quite understanding that a wedding isn't the best place for young children and no one will think any less of you for politely specifying it! Jennifer's idea looks good , best of luck!

 

[WTNLVR]

I agree with the no kids factor. We addressed invitations just to those who were invited. Everyone just knew not to bring kids to the wedding or reception. Except one of my bridesmaids who knew, but I guess decided to bring him anyway. He was only 2 at the time and I could have killed her! Half way thru the service he started getting cranky and you can even hear him on the video tape. At least they kept him in the back of the church. Some people just think they are special and will do what they want no matter what. This was 16 yrs ago and it still ticks me off to think about it.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/3/2005 7:40:25 AM
Author: WTNLVR
I agree with the no kids factor. We addressed invitations just to those who were invited. Everyone just knew not to bring kids to the wedding or reception. Except one of my bridesmaids who knew, but I guess decided to bring him anyway. He was only 2 at the time and I could have killed her! Half way thru the service he started getting cranky and you can even hear him on the video tape. At least they kept him in the back of the church. Some people just think they are special and will do what they want no matter what. This was 16 yrs ago and it still ticks me off to think about it.

I don''t blame you - it is just not on to do a thing like that IMO

 

[MINE!!]

LOL... the story about the kids running around is ironic. We told our pastor from the beginning.... If a child gets up and runs around... that wonderfiul.. the more kid freindly the better... I just thought I would share.. LOL

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have also seen RSVPs that state "two seats have been reserved for you" (something along those lines).

 

[MichelleCarmen]

At the last wedding we attended, kids were allowed, but luckily we found a babysitter for our two young kids because they would have for sure talked and asked questions. Kids WERE permitted at the wedding, but only two little ones came, and one cried and the mom had to leave the ceremony. The setting was outside so there wasn''t any commotion.

I think it''s best to have adults only - OR - children above a certain age, like teenage years.

 

[curlygirl]

I love hearing everyone''s viewpoints on this topic. I''ve been struggling with this one myself as my 3 first cousins each have 2 young children ranging in age from 6 months to 6 years and my FI''s stepsister has 2 children who are 2 and 4. While I truly love all of these kids, I won''t love them at my wedding! We''ve asked our parents to kindly be the bearers of the bad news and let everyone know that children will be allowed at the church but NOT at the reception. I know it''s going to upset everyone but I really can''t let them ruin my day. If the parents don''t want to come without their children, that''s fine with me--less people for us to pay for. The only "children" who will be allowed to attend are my sister''s 13 year old stepson and my FI''s 13 year old twin cousins. I feel like they are mature enough to handle an adult reception.

 

[lilyinct]

good luck with the "adults only" approach....we put "adults only" on our invites, as well as addressing the envelopes to only the adults, and one of my fiance''s friends actually called and asked if their 2 year old and 5 month old could come to the reception (breastfeeding and all that). Maybe I''m just being a b***h, but I would prefer a nippleless and tantrumless reception, and very politely told them "no". They''re not happy with me, but hey- they''re still attending.

 

[DonaBella]

I think Tacori-E-ring has a great and tactful approach...the "two seats have been reserved for you" idea is a straightforward, yet tactful way of saying "we anticipate celebrating with the both of you only"...yes, people can be dense and there is always a possibly of a situation going awry...My husband and I came up with an idea...see what you think.

Since my son and his fiancee want this to be an adults only type reception and we are determined to have that, we decided that perhaps we would hold an "open house" when my son and his new wife at our home or the church for those with kids from church or those we chose not to invite to the event itself. Because of how intimate the wedding will be and since many of our joint friends/associates will understand this, we feel this provides a way for those who want to come and give best wishes and a gift to do so, as well as to bring their little ones. It would not be a formal thing at all, hence the name "open house." There are a few that will want to congratulate the happy couple cuz they know us and have known my son for the last 16 years or so...not for any other reason.

An open house for 2-3 hours provides another opportunity for the bride to wear her dress, to make "nice" with those whose families we tactfully chose not to include for the main event, and another way to include them in on the celebration of a new marriage...We know several folks who attend receptions of each other''s kids just to show support, and we have done the same thing. It''s the polite thing to do. We would have some finger foods and if they choose to give gifts, great. If they don''t, that''s fine too. It''s one idea we are tossing around to include some folks that wouldn''t want to travel very far anyways and/or have kids.

Getting back to the invites...I definitely think stipulating that it is an "adult reception" in every conceivable way--including reiterating it through conversations with those invitees and phone calls, is a necessity. I truly appreciate everyone''s views...there is no right or wrong opinion.

 

[jellybean]

Date: 9/6/2005 4:42:51 PM
Author: DeannaBana
I think Tacori-E-ring has a great and tactful approach...the ''two seats have been reserved for you'' idea is a straightforward, yet tactful way of saying ''we anticipate celebrating with the both of you only''...yes, people can be dense and there is always a possibly of a situation going awry...My husband and I came up with an idea...see what you think.

Since my son and his fiancee want this to be an adults only type reception and we are determined to have that, we decided that perhaps we would hold an ''open house'' when my son and his new wife at our home or the church for those with kids from church or those we chose not to invite to the event itself. Because of how intimate the wedding will be and since many of our joint friends/associates will understand this, we feel this provides a way for those who want to come and give best wishes and a gift to do so, as well as to bring their little ones. It would not be a formal thing at all, hence the name ''open house.'' There are a few that will want to congratulate the happy couple cuz they know us and have known my son for the last 16 years or so...not for any other reason.

An open house for 2-3 hours provides another opportunity for the bride to wear her dress, to make ''nice'' with those whose families we tactfully chose not to include for the main event, and another way to include them in on the celebration of a new marriage...We know several folks who attend receptions of each other''s kids just to show support, and we have done the same thing. It''s the polite thing to do. We would have some finger foods and if they choose to give gifts, great. If they don''t, that''s fine too. It''s one idea we are tossing around to include some folks that wouldn''t want to travel very far anyways and/or have kids.

Getting back to the invites...I definitely think stipulating that it is an ''adult reception'' in every conceivable way--including reiterating it through conversations with those invitees and phone calls, is a necessity. I truly appreciate everyone''s views...there is no right or wrong opinion.

We worded the invitations "adults only reception", had my and my husband''s parents call people to tell them it was an adult reception and STILL had people bring their kids to the reception!

It''s unfortunately a lose-lose situation. People will get ticked off that they can''t bring their kids. There is really no way of making everyone happy.

I like the open house idea, but be warned that there will still be people ticked off that they weren''t "good enough" to invite to the actual ceremony. How do I know this -- because this is what happened to us.

I don''t know of anyone that was able to invite everyone they wanted to the wedding/reception. Yet, people still get mad when they are left off the guest list. So just a warning that again, you will probably not be able to make everyone happy.