Do you want/have only ONE child? Or are you an only child? Or do you hate your sibling? :)

[TravelingGal]

So 5 weeks into one kid, I''m already getting tired of hearing that I *have* to have another one for Amelia''s sake.

Now, I have a brother, whom I absolutely adore. I do feel like it would be nice for her to have a sibling, but honestly, I don''t care to go through pregnancy again (and mine was easy). Nor do I REALLY care to go through this current stage of sleep deprivation and taking care of a blob. Don''t get me wrong...I adore her and am glad I had her, but I''m pretty happy with the idea of one kid!

So I''m curious. How many of you have or want only one child? How is it turning out for you. If you were an only child, do you feel like you were deprived or were you always happy to be an only? For those of you with siblings, what''s your relationship with them?

As I said, my brother and I are close...so much so that he was my man of honor at my wedding. Because I have such a great relationship with him, I''d hate to deprive Amelia...but there are no guarantees that she would even LIKE her sibling!!!

 

[sumbride]

I''m the youngest of 4 kids, but in my house we said that we were "4 only children". We didn''t interact a lot... not really. Sure, we played together sometimes, but more because we had to, i.e. we didn''t really know anybody else, or the neighborhood kids were "afraid" of my brothers. But with age disparity and differing interests, and probably because we all had our own bedrooms, we just didn''t bond very well. I moved 1000 miles away and don''t even call them, really ever. My mom passes on information, and I see them at Christmas, where we say "how was your year?" My sister and I are now starting to have a relationship, but that''s literally been in the last 2 years. My brother, whom I was once close with, barely talks to me now. My other brother talks even less. And I really can''t say I miss it. Every time I''m home it turns into some kind of issue-driven jealousy arguing blah blah blah. We can put on a good show for a couple of days, but it''s really better if we just all stay out of each other''s way. Too much ego for a small room.

My DH has two older brothers who fight constantly, always picking at each other, even when they aren''t around... i.e. we saw the oldest this weekend and I swear he talked for an hour about how much he can''t stand the middle brother. And both of them try hard to manipulate DH, who is the youngest.

so really, don''t have a 2nd for Amelia''s sake. Sure, sometimes it works, but, well, eh... I''ve known some very well adjusted only children too.

 

[Aloros]

I have an older brother and a younger sister. All three of us are very close. They''re the first people I turn to when I''m seeking advice, and we''re always shooting emails back and forth to share news stories or just what''s been going on.

Of course, we didn''t always get along so well. My sister and I were nearly always glued at the hip, but my brother and I are both stubborn personalities, so we clashed a lot as kids. It makes for some funny stories now.

My stepson-to-be is effectively an only child at the moment. Sometimes I wish it wasn''t so, because he is very demanding of our attention (and I remember my siblings and I would play amongst ourselves - and get into mischief!), but we live in a safe neighborhood with plenty of kids. So when it gets to be a bit too much, we kick him outside to go play with his friends.

So I guess, what I''m saying is...it''s a toss-up! Flip a coin.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Date: 5/6/2008 1:44:04 PM
Author:TravelingGal
If you were an only child, do you feel like you were deprived or were you always happy to be an only?

I am an only child and I love it! I NEVER missed having brothers and sisters at all ... what you don''t know, doesn''t hurt you, right?
I had plenty of friends and cousins, with whom I could interact. Failing that, I had a lot of adults & family around all the time who were a ton of fun and always happy and willing to spoil me or play with me or support my development as an individual.
As I grow older, I reflect on the fact that it *might* have been nice to have a sibling to share some burdens with, however, I really enjoy being an only child and still don''t think that I would trade that for the world.

Now that it is nearing time for me to consider having my own children, I believe that I would be happy with just one as well, however, if I wanted to be pregnant more than once, I would not be averse to having more.

TG - please don''t feel pressure to have more to keep Amelia company b/c, truthfully, she doesn''t "need" it. She needs you and your husband and all the love and support you will have for her.

By the way ... congratulations to you and your husband. Amelia is beautiful!

 

[cara]

My husband is an only child and, at times, it shows. In both good ways and bad. He is somewhat selfish at times and used to being spoiled, but he also pays a lot of attention to his parents and feels responsible for them in some ways more than a child with siblings would feel.

He also says he wouldn''t have wished his childhood on anyone else (parents bitterly divorced and used him as a pawn) even if it might have been easier to shoulder with a sibling/co-victim. Not that this is the future you have to worry about inflicting on your children

I have siblings but didn''t really get along with my sister when we were little, but we grew closer in high school and are now great friends (as long as you don''t make us share a room for more than 24 hours - that is just our limit!!) My brother is so much younger that it is different than typical sibling relationships - in some ways sister and I were like extra parent/aunts rather than his siblings. My brother was a classic late baby that was both spoiled and somewhat neglected by the distracted adults/older kids in the house, and he took the brunt of my parent''s divorce, which happened when his older siblings were out of the house.

In other words, do what''s right for you and your family. There is no guarantee that your potential two children will get along and have a healthy, fufilling relationship as young children or adults, and no particular harm in being raised as an only child.

There is some danger that an only child will be more spoiled or have too much bored time or get used to their own way and having the family revolve around them, and to an extent that is unavoidable, but as long as you as parents are aware of the particular risks in raising an only child and take some preventive action, your kid has every chance of coming out fine! And there are definite benefits - financial and otherwise - to being an only child.

 

[swingirl]

It's too soon to even think about the next one. You haven't had a chance to enjoy your child yet. At this stage they are work work work. Once your baby becomes a person and has a personality that you can relate to you may be things differently. After my first I literally felt like a milk-machine and poop scraper. It's hard to imagine wanting to do more of that.

Plus, I believe the way parents interact with their kids can make siblings bond or ignore each other. Rivalries are usually set up by parents, even though they might not realize that's what they are doing.

You have to do what's right for you and your family and not be pressured by someone else's opinion.

And congratulations on your new addition!!! Glad everything went smoothly!

 

[Kaleigh]

I grew up pretty much as an only child. My brother was 6 years older than me, he went to boarding school. He went to camp in the summers. So we didn't grow up together. We became close when I was in college. Then when I married and had kids, he just adored them and loved being an uncle.

My kids were very close growing up, but truth is now all they do is fight. It drives me insane. Hopefully they will be close again, just at this point one is in college, the other in High school, they both think they know everything. So one is always wrong, LOL.

Nothing wrong with being an only child. I liked it, and didn't feel lonley. I had lots of friends, always going to their houses or having them to mine.

I think Amelia is blessed to have you as a Mom. She'll do just fine as an only child if that's what you decide.

 

[lyra]

If it was always your decision to just have one, then stand up for yourself. I have good friends who chose to have none, and I respect that too. If you''re unsure, wait 2 years or so. That''s (IMO) about the time the urge to have another one would kick in, or not, if that''s the case.

My kids have both had friends and b/f''s who were only children. I can''t say that any of these only children held the same traits at all. Where one was very outgoing and high achieving, another was introverted and stubborn. The kids themselves in most cases never wanted siblings. I think that was partly because they got all the undiluted love and attention. Or too much of it in some cases, but whatever, if you raise them right it shouldn''t matter to them at all.

I was definitely only going to have one child because I had a really hard time with my first. I stuck to that belief for almost 2 years straight. Then I guess hormones clicked in or something, or my 2 year old daughter sent off pheramones designed to fool me into giving it another go. It''s your choice really. I don''t think your daughter would suffer without siblings.

 

[AmberWaves]

I have an older brother, who is actually about 3.5 years older than I am. We got along okay, no regular beatings or squabbles, but I think that''s mainly because our parents did all the fighting, and we kind of needed each other to hold on to. I think, though, because of our upbringing, and the fact that we are the only two people who know what happened in that house, that we aren''t very close anymore. It''s kind of like we''re trying to not have to think about that, and being around each other (and the rest of our family) reminds us of all the hard times we had. He has since moved from LA to Sydney, where he has a lovely wife and a newborn daughter. It''s sad for me now, because we were just starting to get to know each other aside from the children we once were. Now we''re adults and married, but we can''t really get to know each other better.

I honestly think it''s a case of grass is always greener- the only children friends I had were jealous that I had a brother, I was jealous of my cousins who had sisters and brothers, and they wanted to be only children. I''m very glad I had my brother, as I felt protected, and I don''t think I would have turned out as well, had I dealt with all the problems at home by myself.

My husband is kind of an only child, in the thinking that he had an older brother and sister who had one year difference between them, but 10 years between those two and my husband. He lived a very lonely life, since by the time he was able to play, they were teenagers and wanted nothing to do with him. Because of that, we''ve decided to have at least two, at the most three, and within 4 years of each other.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

TGal, I left the hospital thinking T was going to be an only child. My pregnancy was fairly easy (though I NEVER enjoyed it) but my L&D and recovery....not so much!

Plus like you I was SOOOO sleep deprived. I look at photos from thanksgiving (she was 3 weeks) and I look so sad, so tired, so HORRIBLE! Plus all the BFing complications.... *sigh* But like they say you forget the bad pretty fast and though I am no where near ready to get preggo again she will have at least one sibling. I love my brother and sister and DH is so close to his sister, it is something I want for her. How many we have...who knows! I just am taking thing one day at a time.

 

[somethingshiny]

I HAVE only one child. DH IS an ONLY child. I am one of four.

We do want more children, but aren''t having any luck with that. I see siblings as a great part of life so I do want our son to have siblings. But, we don''t just want more children to give him siblings. We want our children to learn a love and respect that I think it''s easily taught through sibling relations. We want our children to have those lifelong relationships. We want our children to be able to depend on each other. We want to fill our house with children, but I may not be able to have any more, so I''ve been doing a lot of thinking about the "only" child concept lately. I am perfectly pleased and content with only one child. He fills up my life to a degree I never imagined. I feel like I''m able to give him everything he needs and wants (within reason). I grew up poor and didn''t have much. So, for me, the financial ease of one child is great. And, it''s really EASY. It''s easy to pack up and go places. It''s easy to give him 100 percent of my attention. It''s easy to have quiet time together. It''s easy to have meal time.

DH Loves his life as an only child. He STILL gets everything he wants. He loved having all of their attention. But, he d being in the spotlight and having to be "enough" for both of them.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am an only child, and growing up it didn''t bother me at all. My mom had two close friends with kids really close to my age, and they were like my brothers and sisters, except we didn''t live together. I played with kids in my neighbourhood a lot too. I don''t remember ever wishing I had siblings.

But I also remember a lot of times of loneliness as a child, and especially when I became a teenager I spent a lot of time on my own when I was around the house. Was this because I was an only child? Maybe, maybe not, who knows.

I will say that now that I am older I do wish I had siblings. I would like to be an aunty, and I would like to have family to grow old with, rather than only having family that I will have to look after in their old age. I kinda think grandkids are an important part of being older, and my mom will only have my grandkids. In contrast, my DH has two brothers and a gazillion cousins and I envy his large family at times. I guess they are mine now too! Recently at my DH''s grandfather''s funeral I really felt sad at my lack of siblings and a larger family--his grandpa had 100 family members and 16 grandchildren, and he left an amazing legacy of family behind. With my small family, that kind of generativity just isn''t possible, and a part of me really feels sad at the loss of that possibility.

But really, none of this is a reason to have a second, or not have a second. You daughter will benefit the most from having a mother who is happy, satisfied, and feels that she has energy and love to spare, and if the way to accomplish that is for you to have one child, then have one child! Tell everyone else to stuff their opinions you-know-where.

 

[luckystar112]

I was an only child, and to be honest I always did feel "different". I wanted a brother or sister SO bad. I was jealous of other kids.

Now I have a bunch of siblings because my father has made it his personal mission to prevent the human race from dying. I only talk to one of them (my brother)...but there is no "bond" there since we weren''t raised together (my dad didn''t raise either of us). Still, we''re friends.

 

[blushingbride]

Interesting thread...my mom was an only child and felt the complete OPPOSITE Sparkalicious and some of the others felt. She ALWAYS wanted a sibling, but my grandmother (her mom) had her at 39 due to the fact she had waited for my grandpa to return home from fighting in World War II. So, by the time she had my mom, my grandma's clock pretty much stopped ticking.

My mom ended up having me and my sister 15 months apart and we truly are best friends...always have been. I think just seeing our relationship made her wish for a sibbling even more. Now that we're older, our relationship with my mom has evolved into friendship (as opposed to looking at her only as mom) and I think that has helped. I must say though that when her parents passed away a few yeas ago, it was very hard on her and still kind of is. Dealing w/ the loss of her parents all by herself definitely took a toll. Obviously, my dad, sister and myself were there for her the best we could be, but we truly never understood what it was like to be in her shoes and I think a having a sibling in that sort of situation would've been good in that situation.

I guess everyone will have a difference of opinions on this issue...it's so hard to say what would be best...but, I know Amelia will be just fine whichever way you decide to go.

 

[luckystar112]

Wanted to add re: only child-ness "showing" later in life.

I wasn''t spoiled at ALL....believe me.
But the "sibling rivalry" that I never got to have has manifested in my adult life. FI has a brother and I sometimes find myself CONVINCED that he is treated better by FI''s parents. FI says that it''s because I never experienced sibling rivalry growing up. It''s almost like a jealousy(??) and I don''t even consider myself a very jealous person. But I do attribute his parents treating us differently to the fact that his brother has a nicer house, older wife, cooler dog, etc.

So if I had a sibling maybe I wouldn''t have those thoughts! lol.

 

[TravelingGal]

Wow, fascinating responses...thank you all for sharing.

Yes, I know right now I am in the thick of things and no one in her sane mind (unless she has always wanted lots of kids) would be dying to bring another one so soon after having the first. I suppose I''ll have to wait, but the bio clock is tick tick ticking...

Lucky, the comment about your father''s personal mission had me laughing out loud.

BlushingBride, my brother and I are also only 15 months apart. I can''t imagine being pregnant when Amelia is 6 months, but that is obviously what our parents went through. I always thought our closeness had something to do with the fact that we are practically Irish Twins (I think you have to be 12 months apart for that).

And the parents dying thing...yeah, we are going through that right now. My dad is on his last legs and I am so glad my brother is there to support my dad when I can''t. Sharing the burden really helps.

Oh, and thanks all for the congrats and nice words.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

TGal, I was going to mention how nice it is to have a sibling to deal with the tough stuff. My MIL is all alone (her sister, brother, and father all have died) so she has to make 100% of the decisions for her mom who is in a home. It''s tough.

 

[VegasAngel]

All together I have 5 brothers (Oldest has passed) & 1 sister. My husband is an only child. As far as my siblings go we all fought. Everytime I read or someone states they want their child to have a brother or sister so they can be best friends, close whatever I laugh. Siblings dont always get along.

My husband wants another but honestly I dont although that could change. All I know is that at this point I am perfectly happy with my singleton. No one, including my husband is going to talk me into having another child that I dont want. As much as I love my little sunshine she is a heck of a lot of work & I dont want to think about starting the process again. There are other person reasons why I dont want another as well.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 5/6/2008 2:47:33 PM
Author: luckystar112

Now I have a bunch of siblings because my father has made it his personal mission to prevent the human race from dying.

Hey, do we have the same father? I''m now one of SEVEN cause my dad likes to spread the joy around.

I love having a huge family. But I have the same dilemma since I would really rather only have one (not that I''m even pregnant yet). I know that would be for ME, but I count for something too, right?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/6/2008 4:04:19 PM
Author: Independent Gal

Date: 5/6/2008 2:47:33 PM
Author: luckystar112

Now I have a bunch of siblings because my father has made it his personal mission to prevent the human race from dying.

Hey, do we have the same father? I''m now one of SEVEN cause my dad likes to spread the joy around.

Double LOL. I am one of four for the same reason. Don''t know my half-sibs well, they live in another country!

 

[Elmorton]

First of all - YAYYY! I don''t know how I missed that your little one is finally here! Congrats! Amelia is such a beautiful name.

I''m an only child, DH is one of 3. We both want to have two children, but we also want to be able to afford to put both through college and have a comfortable lifestyle like we had growing up - travel, arts, lessons, sports, etc. For those reasons, we''re considering having just one, but will take it one baby at a time.

Children do NOT need siblings to become happy, humble, giving, and sharing adults. For that matter, there are plenty of people I know who have siblings who are self-absorbed, selfish, and have poor social skills.

 

[Octavia]

My brother and I are eight years apart, and I was very firmly an "only child" by the time he came along. I would never, never recommend our age span. I wasn''t happy to have a sibling at all, and it only got worse when he was old enough to annoy my friends, who then stopped coming over. I hated the fact that I always had to go over to other people''s houses because they didn''t have annoying little siblings. He resented that I got to do all sorts of things he couldn''t because I was so much older, and that I got to be in charge of him sometimes. We were like two warring strangers sharing the same house until I went to college, and though we''re closer now that I''ve been out of the house for several years, I don''t think we''ll ever be really close friends.

I''d like to raise two children, although I''m not sold on the idea of actually having any. But I definitely want them to be less than five years apart in any case.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I have three sisters, and I don''t know how I would get through life without them! They have been my best friends and it''s nice having someone who I know will never betray me.

And, you may not want to hear this.. but it was nice to have an ally if I was upset with my parents. We are all different and unique, but I am so lucky to have been born into a big family. They are the only people who can understand struggles I have been through because they have been there with me every step of the way. We aren''t even all that close in age. My oldest sister is 31 and the youngest is 19.

That said, I do know only children who are very happy and don''t act like "only children." I think it all depends on how you raise your kid.

 

[blushingbride]

Date: 5/6/2008 3:03:52 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Wow, fascinating responses...thank you all for sharing.

Yes, I know right now I am in the thick of things and no one in her sane mind (unless she has always wanted lots of kids) would be dying to bring another one so soon after having the first. I suppose I''ll have to wait, but the bio clock is tick tick ticking...

Lucky, the comment about your father''s personal mission had me laughing out loud.

BlushingBride, my brother and I are also only 15 months apart. I can''t imagine being pregnant when Amelia is 6 months, but that is obviously what our parents went through. I always thought our closeness had something to do with the fact that we are practically Irish Twins (I think you have to be 12 months apart for that).

And the parents dying thing...yeah, we are going through that right now. My dad is on his last legs and I am so glad my brother is there to support my dad when I can''t. Sharing the burden really helps.

Oh, and thanks all for the congrats and nice words.

Yeah, I love the fact my sis and I are so close in age...we did everything together growing up, BUT I can''t say that I would want to have baby #2 when baby #1 is only six months. God bless our parents!

BTW - sorry to hear about your dad.

It''s good know that you and your brother are there for one another.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I agree that it is WAY too soon to even be thinking about #2. Tell those people to shut up. They will just think you are having postpartum depression so you can get away with it.

 

[sera]

I''m an only chilld... I loved it growing up! (and it''s still pretty great). There were times when I wish I had a sibling like my friends had, but those were really fleeting thoughts.

I had friends that I adored (two brothers across the street were like my brothers). Then when I was alone, I was cool with it; I had a lot of interests and didn''t get bored being ''an only.'' So, I did have close relationships but didn''t have to fight over my stuff-your stuff, I want attention-you''re getting attention stuff... no drama (apart from my own occassional histrionics).

If you''re an ''only'' you don''t really miss out on what you haven''t experienced... so, I happy being an ''only.'' I never felt (and still don''t feel) deprived.

 

[mimzy]

i was originally #2 of 2 but it turned into #6 of 6 after my parents both remarried. my (real) sister and i didn''t always get along, but i was glad that i had her and still am. holidays are always more fun now with all my siblings (4 at any given time) and they probably would be a little lackluster if we weren''t all there. i''ve always been jealous of my cousins who have five of them in their family and they are all pretty close in age. FI and his brother and sister are extremely close, despite a respectable age difference between the oldest and the youngest.

i do have to say though that when i worked in the preschool and kindergarten classrooms you could ALWAYS tell who were the only kids. that doesn''t mean that all only children are brats, etc but that it might take a little more work on your part to teach them to socialize properly (and i would imagine that most kids grow out of it....i hope).

but i agree that you shouldn''t have a kid for her, but for you and your husband! drop the subject or a year or two and if you feel the same then, then spoil amelia with all (the love, of course) you''ve got!

 

[appletini]

I am and only and was raised my grandma so while it was nice to never have to share anything and be completely spoiled, it was kind of lonely because I never had anyone to play with. None of my cousins around my age lived nearby, plus they are all boys. DH is one of 3 and I love watching the family dynamic and all the fun the siblings have together.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

First off I don't think I've said congrats yet and I also love her name.

Haha wow, seems like people have bad opinions of only children sometimes. Hopefully I won't be too controversial or offend anyone. I am an only child and I love it. When I was in elementary school it was rough sometimes because the kids in my neighborhood were a lot older or younger than me so not a lot of people to play with. I also used to catch some grief from other kids for being different. I still get the "Wow, you're an only child? What's that like?" even as an adult. However, I hung out with my parents a lot. Growing up I was close to both my parents, especially my Mom since she was a stay-at-home Mom. I am still close to both my parents and talk to my Mom multiple times a day. I would like to throw it out there, that not all only children end up inevitably spoiled. Personally, I think that's a joke. I know a lot of people who have siblings and are horribly spoiled compared to me. Being spoiled is not about being an only child or not being an only child, it's about how a child is raised and what they're taught. I knew how to share and I knew that the world was not mine (and I still do). I did get more than most of my friends, but my parents provided for one child as opposed to two or three. I will concede that it is easier to learn to share earlier if a child has siblings, but I knew all of those things by junior kindergarten. So I have to ditto Mimzy on that one, it may take more work but it can be done.

After having me my parents did not want to have any more kids because my Mom's pregnancy wasn't easy and they were happy to have just one healthy child. People tried to pressure my Mom into having more kids "for me" as well and when she asked my pediatrician about it he thought it was ludicrous, he told her about how he has multiple siblings and one of them he hadn't talked to for 20 years. And judging from my parents and their siblings and FI and his siblings I can see how some people are close and some aren't. DO NOT let people tell you that, it's crazy. If you want more kids, then have more kids. And if you are happy with one child then, as my pediatrician told my Mom, if you're afraid they'll get lonely then buy them a puppy. Haha. Seriously, I do think that having a sibling can be wonderful. I mean I will never know what that feels like, but it looks like it can be miserable as well.

 

[appletini]

Date: 5/6/2008 9:42:50 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS
if you''re afraid they''ll get lonely then buy them a puppy.

lol! This is very true...as an only i had many pets....dogs, cats, chickens, horse, and the occasional unlucky toad or turtle that I was able to catch.