Does anyone else feel bad for wanting FI to lose weight?

[sydneycasandra]

Maybe it is just pre-wedding stress, but something about my FI is getting on my nerves really bad.

When we started dating FI was never "bird-like" which bugged me a little but he is so cute, strong, and has such a handsome face that I kind of overlooked it.
I told him that I would never consider marrying him if he didn''t quit smoking; first, it''s just nasty and stinky, second, i worry about his long-term health (he''s 16 years older than myself), and third, it''s expensive and sort of a pain in the butt. He didn''t like this, but he did agree, and although sometimes he gripes about it he has told me before that he really is glad that I made him quit because it''s terrible for him, blah blah blah.

When he quit smoking (it''s been several months now, probably almost a year) he started putting on more weight. Now he is probably 15 lbs heavier, and although I try to cook healthy for him when we are in same town (live far away) and encourage him to go to the gym (he joined one and did well for a while but has slacked off) his weigh loss goal for the weding is nowhere in sight. (He said back in Jan or Feb he wanted to lose 15/20 lbs for May wedding... as far as I know he hasn''t lost more than 1-2lbs more than temporarily).

Now we argue about the fact that he thinks I am trying to control his life, and that I think he doesn''t have any respect for either himself or me, nor any self-control.

This is hard for me to understand because although I''ve been very slightly (10lbs?) overweight at sometimes in my life for most of it I have been slender and am currently so. So he sees that I have no idea what it is like to be heavy, whereas I don''t understand why it is hard to lose weight. (I eat more than he does, and I work out maybe 2x per week. Super high metabolism? I dunno.)

It has gotten to the point where I am starting to find myself less attracted to him if you know what I mean, and although this is stupid, I worry that our wedding pictures will look bad. I realize that I am probably a terrible person for all this but I don''t know how to deal; I am so upset that he won''t (can''t?) lose any weight, partially for appearance concerns, but also more long-term in that he is very "apple-shaped" which is a huge risk factor for heart disease. I want him to live a long time and be healthy with me. (Oh, and he is probably about 35-40 lbs over ideal weight. Not a lot, but it''s all carried in just one spot.)

HELP!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/12/2006 3:06:44 PM
Author:AntiguaBride
I think he doesn''t have any respect for either himself or me, nor any self-control.

WHOA girl. Do you have any idea how HARSH those words are? Not having "ANY respect for you or himself or any self-control" over 35 pounds? It''s like you''re taking his former smoking or current eating habits PERSONALLY. Kiddo - that ain''t got NOTHING to do with you (IMO).

FYI ... "contempt" for your S.Other has been shown to be the NUMBER ONE predictive factor in future divorces. I don''t think I''ve ever heard a more "contempt"-filled complaint on P-scope!

 

[MissAva]

AB- I don’t really understand how you feel, I have struggled with my weight. My fiancé is like you, thin he is 6'' and usually between 135-145lbs. I am 5''5" and not 145lbs... it bothers me more then him. I have tried every diet out there, South Beach, Atkins, Weight Watchers, and even Camp Shane (FAT CAMP)...you cannot make him loose the weight, no one can. His motivation has to come from the inside. Be careful with how hard you push him, weight is emotionally paralyzing issue for some people. Realize that when you pick on him about his weight, you are picking on everything about him…you even say so in your post.
Let it go for now, when you are living together you can encourage him to live a healthy lifestyle.

 

[sydneycasandra]

Deco,
I think what I am trying to get across is that although this hasn''t ever bothered me too much up until this point, with all the wedding stress and such it is bothering me. I know it is sort of inappropriate frustration, but I just wanted to know if any one else had ever had this problem, and if so, how did they deal with it?

 

[Caribou]

Antiqua, gosh I don''t know what to say, how would you feel if your FI wrote this about you in regards to something you do he wishes you would fix? I mean, it''s good to be concerned about your FI''s weight gain for health reasons but you seem more concerned about it for vain reasons. It''s been proven time and time again that constantly commenting on a loved ones weight does not help the situation, so I suggest stop. If you love him, than you''ll get over what the wedding pictures will look like. Especially since both of your appearances are going to change over time.

So instead of nagging him about his weight, why don''t you help him by both committing to loose some weight or working out, even if you think you don''t need it. I guarantee your support in his weight loss will do a lot more than your making comments to him.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/12/2006 3:17:38 PM
Author: AntiguaBride
Deco,
I think what I am trying to get across is that although this hasn''t ever bothered me too much up until this point, with all the wedding stress and such it is bothering me. I know it is sort of inappropriate frustration, but I just wanted to know if any one else had ever had this problem, and if so, how did they deal with it?

I get that you realize it''s kinda inappropriate. I''m just trying to mirror back to you how OOT you''re getting with your words/language. Wedding stress is terrible (I''m feeling it today myself - crying included!). I guess MY point is just that you might be taking things out on your partner (labeling his "faults" the "problem") rather than examining your possibly controlling ways & attacking your own perhaps irrational/unhelpful/superficial fears. I honestly think the "weight issue" is, like the "smoking issue" was -- symptoms of your own fears about lack of control, perfectionism, melding with someone & compromising in life rather than running the show. It comes back to YOUR OWN ISSUES, not his pant size. I would run, not walk, to a therapist & hash out some of this before you walk down the aisle. Unless you really, truly think its 100% wedding stress getting to you and that everything will be back to normal after the wedding.

People telling you how to motivate your fiance to lose weight isn''t going to help the root of the real problem (of course, this is only my opinion! For what it''s worth)

 

[SoonIHope]

Deco, I see your point, and I think your second post qualified it a lot better, but I think you''re being a bit harsh!! She admitted that she feels bad for having these thoughts and seems to be coming to us because she doesn''t know how to cope with having thoughts she''s ashamed of, so I think we should try to help her figure out how to come to terms with her fiance''s weight gain without telling her she''s going to get divorced.

That said, Antigua, I''m sorry you''re feeling this way, and I agree with Deco that you should look at your own motivations a little more. Also, remember that it really IS hard for some people to do some things that are effortless for others.... I know that I have often been EXTREMELY frustrated when people who are outgoing tell me to just "get over it" and be more outgoing, because it just is second nature to them to say something if it comes to mind, and no matter how many times a shy person tries to explain that it just isn''t that easy, outgoing people often can''t grasp it. So try not to blame him since there''s a good chance he is just as frustrated about his weight gain as you are, but now he is also frustrated with you because you can''t understand where he''s coming from. I think your pictures will turn out great no matter what weight either of you is, and I think you should just remind yourself (& him!) how much you love him, and try to drop the issue.

Good luck!!!

 

[Skylah]

Honestly, I think it''s pre-wedding jitters. You''ve spent so much time trying to get everything perfect that now thinking about the pictures, his weight, etc., is all just unfocussed stress. Don''t beat yourself up about it too bad but I agree with a lot of the ladies about focussing your energies elsewhere.

I have been a marathon runner all my life and I am NOT thin. I have a very athletic build but if I don''t run or move, I put on weight instantly. This last winter, I found out I have Lupus. I had months and months of insane pain where I couldn''t even move let alone run. I put on weight and what''s worse, I was swollen from head to toe. I am just now starting to get my body back. As a part of the disease, I can have a flare-up like that at any time (though I take medication to control it). Who knows? I may be swollen like crazy and look horrbile in my dress or not even fit into it but I just can''t worry about that. S*it happens, as they say.

Ultimately, I will say this: No matter their shape, facial structure, hair length, height, weight, whatever - when brides and grooms are happy, they look RADIANT in photos. Just remember what this is ultimately all about and realize that the better he feels about himself, no matter his size, he will look incredible in the photos and so will you.

 

[Caribou]

I agree with Deco, maybe this is more of a you having controlling issues rather than a *him* issue. I mean, you say that you told him that you wouldn't marry him if he didn't stop smoking? If it was that important to you, why would you even start dating him in the first place? I mean, if I'm not going to marry a smoker, than I certainly am not going to date one. To me, that shouts of someone wanting to control.

I don't think any of are trying to be harsh to you, I think your initial post just came across to some of us as harshly written on your FI behalf. Again, it's understandable to have 'freakout' days especially so close to your wedding day. I had one a little bit ago myself and I've about 4.5 months left. Make sure that you aren't taking your stress out on your FI unnecessarily.

Good luck!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Over the last 5+ years I have been with my FI his weight has gone up and down at least 3 times. Right now he is in his heavy phase (when we met he was in his heavy phase). Honestly it has never bothered me. I love him for his personality and think he''s like a cute teddy bear but I know it does bother him. I know he really wants to lose weight for our wedding. The only reason I want him to diet (besides the obviously health reasons) is so he will let me display our wedding photos

With anything in life though he has to want to lose the weight in order for him to be sucessful. How does he feel about it?

 

[AndyRosse]

First of all, I know that when posting on the internet, it is often hard to explain exactly how you feel, what''s going on, etc. to a group of random people

Things can be interpreted a thousand different ways online.

That being said, I hope the bottom line is that you are just really stressed out right now with the wedding planning, and you are anxious. Things are bound to bother you. However, if that is not the case, then I seriously recommend you rethink your decision to marry him. It is much easier to delay a wedding than to get a divorce later down the road. Oh, and TALK TO HIM!!! Tell him how you feel, etc. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship and marriage.

 

[caligal]

Does he ever complain about his weight? It is very normal to gain weight after quiting smoking as you are replacing one habit with another. He HAS to want to lose weight himself, and from another person who struggles with weight management... trust me it is VERY hard! You must have a very high metabolism to keep slender with very little working out and eating more than he does- know God made all our bodies different so for him it is much harder. Can you live with him being overweight? Ask yourself this question honestly, cause he may never lose it. He needs your love and support on this issue and although to you it seems simple, frankly it is not. My advice... love him as he his!

 

[Morticia]

OK, well first of all - Quitting smoking is huge. It's REALLY hard to quit (yes, I do speak from experiece) so I give him major props for doing so. Not that us knuckleheads should have started up that nasty habit in the first place but still.

Anyway, weight gain is very common when quitting cigs so give him a little slack there. Wouldn't you rather him with a little extra weight, than smoking?

No, I don't fault you though for wanting him to lose some weight. At all. You are concerned about his health and I also don't fault you for finding his weight gain not as physically appealing. We like what we like. I'm sure everyone has been approached by a very nice person, once in their lives, that we just were not physically attracted to. I prefer my FI to be leaner. It's just what I'm more physically attracted to. When he was heavier (almost 40 pounds heavier), I didn't have any desire to break up, hook up with other men, and I didn't love him any less, but I am just more **physically** attracted to him when he is in better shape and the same goes for his feelings about me and my weight.

How you go about it and the reasons for being upset about his weight gain is another thing. Wedding pictures? Eh. I wouldn't worry about that or let that bother you. You're both going to look awesome on your wedding day. Glowing and beautiful.

Losing weight and getting into exercise (especially when you work full time) is hard. If you approach it in a positive way, like suggesting activities you can do together, imaking healthier meals for each other, then that's great. But if you're on his case, nagging, stressing about the pictures, etc then I think you're being unfair about it. If he wants to lose weight, and wants to get into exercise, he will. I don't think you should feel bad about wanting him to lose a little weight but it's all about how you go about it. Being nasty and nagging him, doesn't help and is very hurtful (not saying you're being that way, just in case).

Don't stress.

If it helps, my FI does Weight Watchers and has lost 37 pounds. He loves it and is obsessed with his point system. LOL. If your FI mentions wanting to lose weight, suggest it to him. But don't push it onto him if his weight isn't really something he's concerned about.....

 

[LAJennifer]

I think you are afraid you will end up married to a man you are not attracted to. Whether how you feel is "right" or "wrong" is beside the point here. I don''t think it is pre-wedding jitters. Whether you realize it or not, it is almost like you are saying, "Improve yourself, or else", maybe giving yourself mental permission to be satisfied elsewhere. I agree you should seek counseling about this as soon as possible - and don''t walk down that aisle until it is resolved one way or another - issues like this one cause even the best intended people to "cheat". I certainly don''t want to be married to someone I am not attracted to.

 

[Mara]

antiqua, i can see what you mean regarding feeling like he does not respect himself or you with this weight gain.

i don't think it's wrong to say that our attractiveness to our mate has alot to do with how we look. for me personally, i would not want to be unappealing to my husband...nor would he want to be unappealing to me. i tend to think that how people look to others is important in general. why do you comb your hair or brush your teeth when you go out? why do you buy cute clothes? is it because of how it makes you feel or because of how others perceive you? aka good looking or even trying to look groomed or professional. for me that is kind of how weight is to some people. not everyone of course, but i can see what she means re: respect and i don't think it means dire straights for the wedding or the marriage or anything like that. how you feel about how your boyfriend looks SHOULD BE important to him. i think greg would be upset if he felt like i should be more fit but i was too lazy or whatever to get off my butt and do anything about it and just laid around and ate bon bons. it's unfair to him, because HE can't control what i do, but he is stuck with it if he loves me. and it's hard to have misalignments like that. and i don't think antiqua is saying she doesn't love her fiance, just that she doesn't love how he looks right now. that's totally acceptable IMO. let's be realistic here!

when i gained about 10 lbs after our wedding, it bothered me for a few reasons, aka my clothes didn't fit as well, i definitely didn't look as cute, i felt like i wasn't as appealing to my husband even though he never said a thing and swore i still looked fine...but for me it just didn't work. but if i kept packing it on it would totally have bothered greg, because he has always been fit all his life, eats pretty well and believes in staying in shape and being healthy.

obviously we all won't be young and beautiful forever!! i don't think your love is tied up with looks. i'd just caution to make sure that you two are aligned in how you feel about things like healthy or working out and things like that. if he totally doesn't care about that kind of stuff then it could set you up for future dissatisfaction or unhappiness with how he takes care of himself overall. you ARE marrying him for better or for worse so just make sure if he never loses the weight that you can still love him for who he is. if not, then stop and think about it. i would still adore my husband if he gained 10 or 20 lbs but i wouldn't be happy about it and yes i would try to get him back onto 'track'...because i know that we both feel like that's not right for us. but we are aligned in that way. so it's okay to push each other.

good luck. it sounds like you have some things to work out with yourself internally and also he does too.

 

[rainbowtrout]

aside from health concerns, I think aesthetically a pretty big range of bodies can be appealing if you can get beyond the cultural programming. That said, the way you maintain yourself says a lot about you--i.e., are you clean/hair brushed/make a decent attempt to be healthy.

I can see your "respect himself or me" remark from one angle only--that he doesn't respect you future happy life together because he is increasing his risk of heart disease/diabetes/what have you, as well as possibly not being as attractive to you in the long run.

But wedding pictures??? Come on. It's just a day. Really. And if your whole motivation is to lose this weight *for the wedding* what on earth makes you think it will stay off afterwards?

I'm going to be unbelievably shallow here and pull a pop movie quote from "Monster in Law"

FMIL "Oh, aren't you worried about fitting into your dress"
JLO "No, I'm making the dress to fit my body, not making my body fit the dress"

You and your FI will look great on your wedding day because you will (or at least should) be happy. No one, and I do mean no one worth your time and energy, will obsess over how flabby your arms look or if he has a few extra pounds around the middle. It is just not the point.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/12/2006 7:52:22 PM
Author: rainbowtrout


But wedding pictures??? Come on. It''s just a day. Really. And if your whole motivation is to lose this weight *for the wedding* what on earth makes you think it will stay off afterwards?

Not sure if this is directed at my post but when I made a comment about wedding photos it was about my FI being unhappy and embarrassed about them NOT ME!

Finding a picture for out STD was so stressful because he hated how he looked in all out photographs but 2. Only liking 2 photos out of 5 years together is sad

I want HIM to feel good about himself and feel confident.

 

[gailrmv]

I have not read all the replies in detail so forgive if this is repetitive.

2 points:

Nicotine can help speed metabolism so if he quit smoking he might gain weight even if he doesn''t eat anything more. NOT his fault, he made a really difficult and healthy decision to quit smoking!

Also, you said he eats less than you and you are slender. Isn''t that kind of weird? What does that mean? Either you have a fast metabolism or he has a slow one. Clearly the amount of food you need to be a certain weight is different for everyone. I''m sure that you would not want him to starve himself or be uncomfortable just to look a certain way.

If it were easy to be slim, don''t you think everyone would be?

 

[XChick03]

I think Mara said it best, but I''ll add that I sort of know what you''re feeling, though maybe not as much. My FI has gained and lost weight since we''ve been together. He''s not overweight and I still think he''s completely adorable, but he has a bit of a pot belly. It bothered me when we first got together because I was used to dating really attractive jerks, but after getting to know how kind and wonderful he is, I could care less about his weight.

Recently though, I''ve been pushing him to workout and eat healthier. Mostly because 1) I need him to workout to motivate me to workout and I think it''d be good for both of us 2) I really think his weight is bothering him, though he''s not going to say "honey, do I look fat in this?" and 3) His diet is horrible and I want him to be healthy so we can have nice, long lives together. And like Mara said, we both push each other, but thats okay with us. I''ve put on about 10 lbs over the winter and he''s put on about 20 lbs, so we''re both trying to push each other to lose the extra weight.

And Tacori, my FI has the same concerns. He told me he wants to look his absolute best on our wedding day because he knows I will and he knows its a day we''ll always remember. And he wants our children and grandchildren to think about how handsome he was, not how much he weighed. Of course, he''s also seen what happened to my mom and stepdad. They both weighed a lot more on their wedding day than they do now and because of that, they don''t like their wedding pictures and he doesn''t want ours to be like that. Wedding pictures are something you will always have and I don''t think its silly to want to look good for them.

 

[rainbowtrout]

tacori:

actually, I didn't even see that you had said it....serves me right! Anyway, no, it wasn't directed at you. I just feel that sometimes it's easy to fixate on that one moment to much. Of course it's totally normal to want to look nice, but I felt as if the original poster was slightly over-upset about it.

 

[ello]

Hi - although a respect your point of view I feel sad for your boyfriend.

Let''s just say...that you decide to have a baby and you are one of the unlucky girls to retain water - bloat like crazy, you will probably not feel or look super hot and you would want your hubbies support and encouragement. I think you should give him a break...life is way to short to worry about your fiancé''s appearance in wedding picture. Most likely he''s feeling overwhelmed so I would be more positive rather than negative about his appearance – try to compliment him rather than scold him for not making progress – he might be flattered and this will encourage him to do better....

 

[rainbowtrout]

a tidbit from my former model mom/stemom:

everyone can be thin on the coffee/cigarette/air diet....what your FI did is much harder, to quit smoking. Both mom and Rhonda put on some weight at first.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/13/2006 7:24:02 AM
Author: rainbowtrout


tacori:


actually, I didn''t even see that you had said it....serves me right! Anyway, no, it wasn''t directed at you. I just feel that sometimes it''s easy to fixate on that one moment to much. Of course it''s totally normal to want to look nice, but I felt as if the original poster was slightly over-upset about it.

I totally agree! I would feel horrible if my FI said those things about me. I am hoping she just needed to vent in a neutral place and would never actually SAY those things to him. But like I said before, He has to WANT to change his life. No one can be told to quit smoking, drinking, lose weight....

Anyways Rainbow, I just wanted to clear up the picture thing. Like XChick said, I love him the way he is but it is going to piss me off if he refuses to let me hang our wedding photos b/c he is unhappy with the way he looks. This sounds harsh, but our engagement is 14 months long, more than enough time to lose any unwanted weight (granted he is about 30-40 lbs overweight) so if my Aug 12th he is still unhappy tough luck. Those pictures are too expensive and special to be sitting in a box!

 

[eks6426]

How old are you guys? You say your fiance is 16 years older than you? One thing to keep in mind that it is a lot harder to loose weight the older we get. My husband is 12 years older than me and he has a much harder time. Even if I portion control all our food and force us to go for walks, he still doesn''t loose much--he just gets grouchy from being hungry all the time. I worry about my husband''s weight...he''s easily 60 pounds overweight but I also know that I cannot control his weight. My mom has spend her entire married life trying to nag my dad into loosing 75 pounds. They''ve been married 36 years. It makes both of them mad and miserable at times. Lesson learned for me. Maybe when you guys are living together you can do more to encourage the healthy lifestyle that will help in loose weight, but in the meantime realize that his weight is not a reflection of you.

 

[Mara]

Ries, I disagree that this is like pregnancy, this guy is overweight not from having a baby but rather lack of exercise and bad eating habits. huge difference. anyway, again i still think that there is nothing wrong with thinking what she thought or feeling the way she does, and even telling him that she feels that way. honestly i ,would want greg to be like 'look you are getting chunko!! what is the deal?' and it would hurt my feelings sure, but it's better than the alternative which would be him stewing on it and upset that i am not taking care of MYSELF, esp when he takes the time to take care of himself.

i know that everyone may not agree, but honstly i don't think that what she admitted to here is all that horrible. she wants to help her boyfriend but he may not be interested. her motives to me don't matter, who cares if she wants nice wedding pictures, we all do! to me what matters is that he doesn't really seem all that interested in having some control and willpower and managing his own life in an effective way, and that is what would bother me the most.

it's so funny how weight is such a taboo subject here in america, because so many americans are overweight! if more people called each other on the fact that eating habits were bad and they should pick up their butts from behind computers and tv's and get outside more rather than it being something no one really talks about or mentions for fear of offending, maybe there'd be more progress rather than people saying 'oh that's mean to think that, much less say it'.

 

[XChick03]

I don''t think what she''s saying is mean at all. I mean, she said she doesn''t want him to be at a high risk for heart disease and live a nice, long healthy life. There is nothing wrong with wanting the man you marry to be healthier.

However, it is really hard to lose weight. It takes a lot of work, willpower, and commitment and it sounds like he doesn''t have any of that. And his weight gain is probably due to the fact that he quit smoking. Smoking increases your metabolism because its a stimulant and when you quit, your metabolism slows down and many people put on some weight. So, I don''t think its just because he let himself go.

The best advice I can give you on this is just try and motivate him in some other way. Maybe make a deal with him or something. My FI and I promised each other that we would work out together and if he tried to eat healthier, I would try to get off my huge caffeine addiction. That way, its win-win for both of us and he doesn''t feel like I just want him to lose weight.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 4/13/2006 11:37:24 AM
Author: Mara
Ries, I disagree that this is like pregnancy, this guy is overweight not from having a baby but rather lack of exercise and bad eating habits. huge difference. anyway, again i still think that there is nothing wrong with thinking what she thought or feeling the way she does, and even telling him that she feels that way. honestly i ,would want greg to be like ''look you are getting chunko!! what is the deal?'' and it would hurt my feelings sure, but it''s better than the alternative which would be him stewing on it and upset that i am not taking care of MYSELF, esp when he takes the time to take care of himself.

i know that everyone may not agree, but honstly i don''t think that what she admitted to here is all that horrible. she wants to help her boyfriend but he may not be interested. her motives to me don''t matter, who cares if she wants nice wedding pictures, we all do! to me what matters is that he doesn''t really seem all that interested in having some control and willpower and managing his own life in an effective way, and that is what would bother me the most.

it''s so funny how weight is such a taboo subject here in america, because so many americans are overweight! if more people called each other on the fact that eating habits were bad and they should pick up their butts from behind computers and tv''s and get outside more rather than it being something no one really talks about or mentions for fear of offending, maybe there''d be more progress rather than people saying ''oh that''s mean to think that, much less say it''.

I agree that it''s not like being pregnant but some woman look at getting a bigger belly from being pregnant the same as if they were getting a bigger belly from eating bad.

I guess it''s the way she approaches the subject that matters....is she ''nagging'' him about it but not doing much to support him or is she saying ''look your ever expanding belly is bothering me, so I want to help you with that....'' and then suggest that they both eat better and exercise. The way she approached the smoking thing ''I will not marry you unless you stop smoking'' makes me feel that her approach to him losing weight isn''t very supportive more nagging. Not saying she doesn''t mean well, but when you tell a fat person he''s fat, is that supportive??, it''s not like they don''t know that they are over weight.

 

[Mara]

true caribou but literally sometimes it''s easier for you to be in denial about something and when someone you care about calls you on it, it''s kind of like a slap in the face wake up call. like WOW if they notice it, i really must be getting there. obviously yes nagging sucks, but it sounds like she wants to be positive, making healthier meals and this and that....but that he isn''t all that interested. which would totally bug me. but that''s just me....i just know that it is important to feel like you are aligned with your mate on what is important in your lives. to me this misalignment is more than just about weight.

 

[chickflick]

I haven''t read all of the replies but here''s my take.

My FI smokes and could stand to lose a few lbs; I worry too much, get moody for no reason and could lose some major poundage myself. I accepted him as he is, warts and all, and he did the same with me. We''re in this for life and we will face much, much bigger things in the coming years than his beer tummy and my jiggly thighs. If you love someone and you''re worried about his health that''s one thing. If you''re worried about how he will look in the wedding photos then perhaps you should evaluate what''s really important to you.

 

[sydneycasandra]

I haven''t responded lately because I''ve just been taking a little time to read the responses and think about the wide variety of opinions I''ve been getting. Here''s a few things I think I perhaps wasn''t clear about at first. In a very particular order:

1) I want a healthy husband. Not a marathon runner, triathelete, or professional body builder. Just someone who isn''t putting themselves at excess risk for heart attacks and diabetes, first for themselves, and second, for their younger wife and future children.

2) I want to have clear communication between my FI and myself about issues that bother us both; if I had stinky breath all the time I would want FI to gently suggest to me some floss or mouthwash. I don''t nag him (as many have suggested) and tell him he is horrible and fat; actually, when we talk I usually focus on the good and I figure he can pick up on the rest. ("Honey, you are absolutely so cute to me. I love your big muscular legs!" vs. "Geez don''t take your shirt off!") Marriage is about communication and FI should feel free to tell me what he needs to so that I stay attractive to him, as long as he approaches it nicely. Unfortunately, in our society, losing weight is a much more sensitive subject than, say, not looking good in orange.

3) My inappropriate feelings about this are bothering me, and I felt like I could come here and get some alternative viewpoints on this, hopefully without having fingers pointed at me.

4) I want a husband who is sexually attractive to me, and vice versa. I dress up/ fix up more now that I "have someone" than when I was dating around, because I''m more interested in appealing to the man I love than I am to impressing random guys.

29,357,92 And oh yeah, we would both like to have nice wedding pictures.

Thanks for all the many different opinions on this. I''m not sure if I feel any better or worse; I''ve gotten some validation that I''m not just a horrible mean *#$) but I''ve also gotten some pretty harsh responses, most of which I''m not sure were entirely justified.

And yes, it is very hard to express yourself in writing on a board like this.