Does it bother you if your MIL talk to DH behind your back?

[zhuzhu]

Happy 2009 everyone! The 2008 was a year full of unexpected crisis globally, for those of us who "made it", let us cherish every moment of today and tomorrow, and be grateful for a hopeful year in 2009!

Back to my original topic, I find myself extremely annoyed when I find my MIL speaking to DH behind my back. She always asked a bunch of questions that I consider too personal to give full answers to. However DH is such a honest soul that he does not really think twice but answering all questions asked about me and our household events. This bothers me because I am a private person. I prefer to keep my personal life and family life private, yet he does not seem to understand that.

Is it me that is overly sensitive or paranoid? I guess part of it is that I find MIL to be a little judgemental as a person, and I really prefer not to become the subject of her "analysis". In public, we all get along and are polite to each other. But once a while she will express opinions that are really none of her business like "I think having a new cat will throw off the balance in your house", or tell DH "you should save your money".

Just really feel the need to vent as even my own mother does not interfere with my family life like her.

 

[Gypsy]

I guess my question is... why does it bother you? Is it just the nosey thing, as a matter of principle? Or are you concerned about her influencing him? I know you said she's judgemental... so that's part of it.

It doesn't bother me at all when my MIL talks to DH. But that's because getting information from him is like getting blood from a turnip, and my MIL knows it. Sometimes its intentional on his part, but most of the time it's just the way he is. Actually, I have to ASK him to tell his mother things like... "honey, did you tell your mom that we are doing X, going to X...". Plus, he's impossible to influence, so I have no concerns there.

On the other hand, your MIL sounds like my mother. And it bothers me when my mom talks about my husband behind his back. And I tell her so. Doesn't do any good though.

 

[puffy]

my MIL is like that. she was like that at first because she still wanted some control of him. and that is my opinion, but i''ve got the facts to back it up. she would always ask questions about what we did, where we went, etc. but she never asked when i was around. and she would always make comments to him about me and ask he feels and he would just shrug and he would come home and tell me.
since our son was born, it has actually gotten a lot worse because she wants control of what our son does and where he goes, not going to happen by the way. so i basically confronted her about it, and she acted like it was all new to her. but DH totally supported me 100%.
so to answer, it would depend, what kind of stuff is she asking about? is she trying to influence him a certain way? do you get along well with her? maybe you should talk to your DH about it and get him to stop being so open when it comes to certain things.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/5/2009 12:24:08 AM
Author: puffy
...she would always ask questions about what we did, where we went, etc. but she never asked when i was around. and she would always make comments to him about me and ask he feels....

This is exactly how my MIL behaves. She would ask him how my job is going for example, and when he mentioned that switching to industry might be an option to me later in my career, she asked him "how do you feel about that"... WTF?

She also asked how much $ my family has gifted us in the downpayment of our house. Instead of being all nosy about it, it would have been nice if she offered to contribute too.

After she has given her opinion about we should not adopt our 3rd cat, we adopted her anyways. She found out and called him at the hour when she knew I would not have been home from work. She expressed her concern and wanted him to give her his reasons for "why we got another cat"? I mean give me a break, he is not 3 years old, and we should not have to justify every decisions we make in our household to her. What pissed me off more was that he actually patiently explained to her how we could afford to care for one more cat and we enjoy giving a needy kittie a home. I am very different from him, if my mother had crossed what I considered the line, I would tell her to please mind her own business.

I don't want to confront him just yet because of his niceness, and I hate him to have to feel torn.

 

[swingirl]

There should be an understanding about what personal/family information is public enough to share and what is not. Financial issues should be personal. Job issues should be somewhat personal when it comes to why someone made a certain decision. I think you and your DH should have an agreement about what's general info and what is not. Most people know what their spouse's level of privacy is and should respect it whether it's at the "open book" level or the "my own business" level--especially if you are dealing with a MIL who is judgmental. Being "honest" isn't a good enough excuse to disrespect your spouse's privacy.

 

[diamondfan]

I dislike it if it is done to dig for information that she knows I do not wish to give to her myself. They can chat all they want about other things, but if it is to suss stuff out that she knows I think is not her concern, it would bug me. Now, my hubby might think that HE is entitled to tell her certain things pertaining to our lives, whether or not I concur, and he also might not know I was trying to keep her in the dark. That is where good marital communication comes in. But my MIL tends to be a pot stirrer and so the less she knows about my bidness the better!

 

[Kaleigh]

I'd nip it in the bud now and have a chat with her. I did that with my MIL who was a real pill once we said the I do's. She was great while we were dating, but turned into a green eyed monster after. She was calling all the time asking what I was doing, why I did such and such for my job. Like ok, if ya want to know call me.... So we had the " chat". I explained to her that it was bothering me how much she was asking about me, why we do this, why we do that. I said look, you want to know call me and ask me. It may very well be none of your business but stop calling DH and bothering him. It worked, she respected me after that. We have a great relationship now. I still tell her off now and then, just in a joking way. She gets my sense of humor.

 

[tlh]

It is your MIL... it is his MUM! Hopefully he isn''t a momma''s boy- but I would just let them talk. If she really is interfering in your marriage, it is your husbands job to tell his mom that. Otherwise you are the controlling wife that he married that is keeping him away from mommy. In all seriousness, talk to your hubby about it. You are right, sometimes questions just should not be asked- but sometimes they should not be answered either. My hubby often gets mad at me because of my philosophy if you ask... I''ll answer. So if you really DONT want the answer... DONT ask the question! But I can get really graphic- just so the asker will realize just HOW inappropriate their question was... sot hat they WONT want to answer it. But my DH just gets upset and says I should just say... "well Why on earth do you ask that?" good luck!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/5/2009 1:05:19 AM
Author: diamondfan
I dislike it if it is done to dig for information that she knows I do not wish to give to her myself. They can chat all they want about other things, but if it is to suss stuff out that she knows I think is not her concern, it would bug me.

Ditto. It *is* his mom afterall, so I have no problem with him talking to her or her offering advice (as long as she understands that we might not take it!) but I would be really ticked off if she was going behind my back to ask DH about things that she knows I don''t want to tell her about.

 

[tlh]

Oh yeah.. congrats on the new kitty!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My MIL sounds like very much like yours...like she always has to let her position be known...and as the DIL, it''s a bitter pill to swallow because at the end of the day, it''s your life and you should live it however will make you and your DH happiest.

I''m absolutely not one to give advice on the handling of in-laws, but I just wanted to say "you''re not alone"...there are other MIL''s tormenting and crossing boundries and lines all the time right along with yours....

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/5/2009 10:15:22 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
My MIL sounds like very much like yours...like she always has to let her position be known...

It is understandable that my MIL wants to be controlling of us, but what really bothers me is that she does it behind my back. She should respect our marriage enough to be opinionated directly with me, instead of dumping unproductive "advice" and guilt trick on my DH behind my back. The funny thing is that she prob thinks I am guilty of "taking her son away from her", but before I met DH, she had never even visited him in 10 years where he lived. She expects him to drive 8+ hours home for the holidays twice a year, but never once went to visit him herself. Now she is whining about how far away he lives, and is planning a trip to visit our southern CA house which she has contributed nothing on, without notifying us first. I told DH that unless it is discussed between us and agreed upon first, no guests in our house.

I have very little patience for people who does not respect another, family or not.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think this is more of an issue between you and your DH and not your MIL (note: i use the term issue loosely here). If you feel that certain subjects should be kept between the two of you (like finances, etc), then your DH should respect that. If you haven''t had that boundaries conversation with him, then you should. It''s not a matter of him feeling torn but its what is best for your household. His mom is no longer part of his household (although obviously not trying to say he shouldn''t respect or be close to her anymore).

She stops asking you the questions because she knows you won''t budge. And she''s going to DH behind your back because she knows through him, she''ll get the info. That''s something he needs to put an end to.

JMHO

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 1/5/2009 6:02:03 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I think this is more of an issue between you and your DH and not your MIL (note: i use the term issue loosely here). If you feel that certain subjects should be kept between the two of you (like finances, etc), then your DH should respect that. If you haven''t had that boundaries conversation with him, then you should. It''s not a matter of him feeling torn but its what is best for your household. His mom is no longer part of his household (although obviously not trying to say he shouldn''t respect or be close to her anymore).


She stops asking you the questions because she knows you won''t budge. And she''s going to DH behind your back because she knows through him, she''ll get the info. That''s something he needs to put an end to.


JMHO

I agree. I am thinking of having a conversion with DH as I think he is pretty confused as to why I get so upset after finding out he had a long phone conversation with her behind my back (conveniently, always at the time she knows I would not be home).

Just to add, this nosiness of hers started even before we got married. She had criticisms about our engagement ring design process and told him on how we should have purchased it differently. She also made comments to him on how I did not tip enough to the movers when we were unpacking here in our new house. Why wasn''t she here to help unpack (or went to help him pack when he was preparing to move?)?

 

[phoenixgirl]

I think "behind my back" refers to sneaking around, doing something that you know is wrong and trying not to get caught. I don''t think that applies to a son speaking to his mother.

My MIL has, I am positive, a personality disorder. She has poor judgment and little impulse control, and I feel very threatened by her unpredictability, her volatility, and the dangerous people she lets into her life. That said, even though I have reason to be scared of her, I don''t begrudge DH talking to her. Even when he told her that my did committed suicide and she created a blog to talk about HER grief over losing my dad, I understand that he was going through a loss as well and would naturally want to share that with his mother. I''ve noticed that DH often doesn''t mention talking to her or seeing her -- which is "behind my back" in a way -- but I know that it''s because of his own ambivalent feelings about her, not because he''s trying to hide it from me.

I think this is more about your DH than your MIL. Do you feel like he chooses her over you? Or that he disrespects your marriage? I don''t think there''s anything wrong with him wanting to discuss his life with her. How would you feel if your DH wanted you to keep things from your mother (or, if you don''t have that kind of relationship with her, a sister or a best friend)?

I would try to figure out what bothers you so much about this. My hunch is that it has to do more with what your husband seems to be saying about his priorities than about your mother-in-law herself. You don''t have to watch very many movies to know that most people don''t like their MILs. But I don''t think you can tell DH not to share what he wants with her unless their relationship is unhealthy. Of course, you can take it on a case by case basis. I''m sure that if I had asked him not to tell her how my dad died (knowing that she can''t be trusted to be discreet or even helpful), he wouldn''t have told her, but that he would have preferred to so that whatever part of her is stable and motherly could be there for him.

It may be that your DH is excited to have MIL more in his life now, whatever her motivation is. Most people wish for restored or improved relationships with their immediate family if they have drifted apart. DH certainly does. I tried for a long time to point out how erratic and inappropriate her behavior was, but he needed to see it for himself. Then I tried to be the intermediary who kept the relationship going. That didn''t work either. Now I stay out of it and jump in only if necessary.

Good luck!

 

[swimmer]

Date: 1/4/2009 11:45:03 PM
Author: Gypsy
I guess my question is... why does it bother you? Is it just the nosey thing, as a matter of principle? Or are you concerned about her influencing him? I know you said she''s judgemental... so that''s part of it.


It doesn''t bother me at all when my MIL talks to DH. But that''s because getting information from him is like getting blood from a turnip, and my MIL knows it. Sometimes its intentional on his part, but most of the time it''s just the way he is. Actually, I have to ASK him to tell his mother things like... ''honey, did you tell your mom that we are doing X, going to X...''. Plus, he''s impossible to influence, so I have no concerns there.

Gypsy, are we married to the same man? Z, I agree with G here, perhaps examine the root of your own feelings.

 

[diamondfan]

You cannot of course tell a son not to talk to his mom. However, you CAN ask that topics solely about you, or about your finances etc, be restricted. I think you cannot tell your husband that he may never mention you to his mom, but if there is something personal going on, either in your marriage or out of it that you do NOT, for whatever reason, wish to share, your hubby needs to respect that. They can chat about anything they wish as long as it does not compromise you or your marriage. On the other hand you must be fair about what you deem mother in law worthy. I happen to hate mine and prefer she know NOTHING about my business but I know that is not always feasible.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Yeah, my MIL learned early on not to do this, from both DH and I. She is very judgmental and it would always get back to me and bother me. I''m very private too, so I think you are completely justified. And your DH needs to respect YOUR boundaries - I''d have a serious talk with him about that, especially as it seems important to you.

 

[Haven]

I don''t think a man talking to his mom is anything to be upset over. The personal questions may feel normal to her, or it may be her way of showing your DH that she cares about how he''s doing. It sounds like you should talk to your DH about what information you''d like to remain personal, but I would tread very lightly because she is, after all, his mom.

 

[Harriet]

Zhuzhu,
I empathise with you. My MIL is always trying to pry every little detail of our lives out of the hubs. Even worse, she''ll blab to her whole family because "we''re open people." I''ve since made it very clear to the hubs how much of an intrusion it is.

 

[coatimundi_org]

My MIL only talks about herself...constantly.

I have no idea what it would be like for her to inquire about us to DH-haha--I''d actually like it if she asked about us for a change!

 

[diamondfan]

Ashleigh, not to digress, but mine is like that too with the forgetting. If it is genuine, it is likely some pre senile stuff setting in. Mine will INSIST something did not occur or she did not go to such and such place and we have PHOTOS or some other proof and she still denies. Just ignore it, otherwise it will make you nuts.