Does it really matter

[blodthecat]

Yesterday, driving home from work, there was a radio debate about wedding proposals.

The researcher was saying that these days more people just ''agree'' to get married, rather than the man going down on one knee and actually proposing.

I have to say that in the UK, it is very rare for someone to plan a proposal and actually go down on one knee. I don''t know anyone that has happened to.

A member of the pubic phoned into the show and said that a big proposal was just a lot of expense and hype....and that you should be able to spontaneously ask your partner to marry you....(for example, whilst eating your egg and toast at breakfast). She went on to say that it was the relationship and communication that matters....not the grand gesture.

So I thought....well I''d be happy to discuss marriage, whilst eating my breakfast, as long as there''s a honker of a diamond in the bottom of my cereal bowl

So what is the situation in the US? Are the proposals I read about on PS the norm. or do most people get married by mutual consent?

Blod

 

[jcrow]

interesting.

for us this is how it went: we discussed marriage. he started asking what types of rings/diamonds i liked. that led to us visiting jewelry stores. this led me to PS where i found whiteflash. then we went to WF to look at stones and we decided on a setting. he took it from there. i didn''t know when he''d propose, though i had an idea

but the end result was him getting down on one knee (in a gondola-ha!) and proposing. there were tears and the surprise element. he still had to plan it out and it was still a grand gesture in my eyes.

 

[SoonIHope]

My impression is that the norm in the US is to have mutual consent conversations in which both parties agree that they intend to marry each other, but the "engagement" isn''t official until the guy proposes. The proposal isn''t necessarily big and elaborate, but there is usually a little speech (could be like 2 sentences long though) in which the guy asks "Will you marry me?" or some variation, which the girl then accepts (hopefully!). While my fiance and I had discussed marriage and both knew it was coming pretty soon, we didn''t consider ourselve engaged or tell anyone we were engaged until after that little formality (+ RING!

) Just based on my observations with friends etc...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I had the "surprise" proposal, one knee, asked my father for my hand, the whole nine yards so did most the people I know. Obviously there are different degrees. Proposing in a restaurant vs. flying you off to a tropical island is a little different but everyone I know was "asked."

 

[jcrow]

albicocca- that''s totally what i was trying to say.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 7/26/2006 11:43:37 AM
Author: jcrow
albicocca- that''s totally what i was trying to say.

Haha, I saw your post and was like "damn, I should have said more about MY proposal, like jcrow did!"

 

[jcrow]

Date: 7/26/2006 11:48:46 AM
Author: albicocca

Date: 7/26/2006 11:43:37 AM
Author: jcrow
albicocca- that''s totally what i was trying to say.

Haha, I saw your post and was like ''damn, I should have said more about MY proposal, like jcrow did!''

HA! i was thinking i should have summed it up without being my-proposal-specific. and that i suck at writing!

 

[Mara]

i don' t know about 'most of the US'...but most of the people who have gotten engaged or married around me (including us) have had some sort of discussions about it happening, making sure they are on the same page, and all that....it is a mutual consent of yes i can see us together in the future forever kind of thing, but it's not like hey let's just run off and get married now. i think most of the time the gal knows it's coming or something similar...i always feel kind of itchy for those guys who come on here and go 'oh i want to surprise her and she doesn't have a clue it's coming' because i'm like DAMN that's kind of a big thing to spring on the lady. i think in the past the surprise element was more coveted and the woman was not as involved as she is or can be today.

oh and it's funny because while we did go to a fab restaurant for our proposal, i knew it was coming because we'd commissioned the ring together and i knew when it was done and also Greg didn't get on one knee!! i was like wait you're supposed to get on one knee! he was like i'm not going to do that here!!! so when we got home i made him re-propose on one knee...haa.

 

[sumbride]

I''m definitely in favor of discussing it together because that''s certainly not something I''d want sprung on me completely out of the blue. My mom doesn''t really understand this though because she thinks that since we''ve agreed that we want to get married, that we''re now engaged, whereas we just see it as being on the same page and we''re not engaged until he officially proposes. It won''t be "once the ring is on my finger" for us though because we''re planning on picking it out together after the crucial question. I have no idea if he''s planning an elaborate proposal or a simple one, but I do expect to be asked. The one knee thing is totally optional depending on the situation, but it is a nice touch!

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

It is so funny how different we all are on this one. If my husband had gotten down on one knee to propose, I would have died laughing and the moment would have been ruined. That is so not him, and so not me, and I would have felt like we were pretending to be people we are not.

But then again, we''re odd, because I proposed to him. I wrote the story in this Thread about Women Proposing. So I guess we are just waaaay not sane and normal people

 

[ladykemma]

we met at an Alcoholics Anonymous dance.

I had given broad hints. I was very active in my church at the time and was living gospel standards, meaning no premarital sex, which speeded things up a bit.

we had dated 90 days, and fit together like old comfy slippers. we were sitting on the sofa and he asked would i like to get married? Of course, I said yes.

Then we went ring shopping. It took about 2 weeks. We were on a limited budget - we chose quality over quantity. we chose a colorless def 0.25 carat ring in a plain yg 6 prong.

when we went to pick it up, he went in and got it. the we rode together to an AA meeting where we met. I was getting grabby by that point. he was going to give it to me in the AA meeting, but he gave it to me in the parking lot instead.

i feel sad when i hear about people doing elaborate, expensive proposals. then again I hate wasting money. I feel sad when I hear money wasted on huge expensive weddings.

My dream wedding would be a wedding in a chapel or an SCA event. And then a well done potluck with good friends, like the SCA wedding I posted about recently. Or a small (<30 people) meal in a favorite restaurant. Now that I know better, now that I know how to plan, cater, and organize, now that i know what is marketing foolishness and what is not, I would not spend more than $2500 on a wedding.

edited to change annoyed to sad. annoyed implies i have some say in the matter.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 7/26/2006 11:30:08 AM
Author:blodthecat
Yesterday, driving home from work, there was a radio debate about wedding proposals.

The researcher was saying that these days more people just ''agree'' to get married, rather than the man going down on one knee and actually proposing.

I have to say that in the UK, it is very rare for someone to plan a proposal and actually go down on one knee. I don''t know anyone that has happened to.

A member of the pubic phoned into the show and said that a big proposal was just a lot of expense and hype....and that you should be able to spontaneously ask your partner to marry you....(for example, whilst eating your egg and toast at breakfast). She went on to say that it was the relationship and communication that matters....not the grand gesture.

So I thought....well I''d be happy to discuss marriage, whilst eating my breakfast, as long as there''s a honker of a diamond in the bottom of my cereal bowl

So what is the situation in the US? Are the proposals I read about on PS the norm. or do most people get married by mutual consent?

Blod

I''m curious what the divorce rates are like in the UK than here. As well as the marriage satisfaction rates.

As for proposals... no, not all of them involve helicopters and candlelit dinners and trips to moroco LOL I posted my story in the proposal forum under "my story" and it really was more of an agreement made over the phone, but one that was sealed in person. I''d known him my whole life and we were young and broke and there were practical issues that even drove us to marriage at such a young age (19 and 21). Thankfully we made a good choice and are still happy 15 years later, but having the stage set for fantasy romance is definitely not a requirement for a joyous engagment nor a successful marriage.

 

[codex57]

Hmmm, I wonder if they mean "expense" as in the diamond. Cuz that was the only real expense when I proposed. The location was free. The words were free.

There was no monetary cost difference btw me planning a location to propose and a speech to go along with vs. simply asking over breakfast.

The main difference was care and effort. I wanted to put in care and effort to show my wife how much I loved her and as a symbol of the kind of work a marriage will take (instead of taking it for granted). Asking over breakfast just sounds lazy to me. Like marriage doesn''t matter. If so, then they just shouldn''t do it.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 7/26/2006 6:15:27 PM
Author: codex57
Hmmm, I wonder if they mean ''expense'' as in the diamond. Cuz that was the only real expense when I proposed. The location was free. The words were free.

There was no monetary cost difference btw me planning a location to propose and a speech to go along with vs. simply asking over breakfast.

The main difference was care and effort. I wanted to put in care and effort to show my wife how much I loved her and as a symbol of the kind of work a marriage will take (instead of taking it for granted). Asking over breakfast just sounds lazy to me. Like marriage doesn''t matter. If so, then they just shouldn''t do it.

I hate to pigeonhole my thoughts like this, but I think a lot of factors go into this... age being one of them. When I got married, we were young and had practical reasons for making the choice (he was military and across the country - we couldn''t afford to be together without being married) and just BEING *together* was so important that the ultra-romantic gesture was not only unneeded, but at that point didn''t really even know those things happened! It wasn''t about not taking the marriage seriously, it was that it was so serious of a decision that romance really didn''t have a huge part in it! LOL Now that I''m looking to *finally* get a ring, I definitely want my husband to go the extra mile to make it special when he gives it to me. My expectations are different - not higher, just different. I think that different relationships just have different ways of expressing their needs and wants and priorities as well as the different symbological gestures that come naturally to a particular couple - both in wants and what is comfortable. Asking over breakfast isn''t always lazy... sometimes that''s just how the magical moment turns out! As special as the giving of the ring can be, the whole engagement process is not only about that moment. It''s about a wedding, a marriage, a joining... and for me at least, the moment we realized that this was the road we were going to take was in many ways more special to me than the actual proposal. The moment it hits you, "This is the one!", can be more powerful than a surprise helicopter

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 7/26/2006 6:15:27 PM
Author: codex57
Hmmm, I wonder if they mean ''expense'' as in the diamond. Cuz that was the only real expense when I proposed. The location was free. The words were free.

There was no monetary cost difference btw me planning a location to propose and a speech to go along with vs. simply asking over breakfast.

The main difference was care and effort. I wanted to put in care and effort to show my wife how much I loved her and as a symbol of the kind of work a marriage will take (instead of taking it for granted). Asking over breakfast just sounds lazy to me. Like marriage doesn''t matter. If so, then they just shouldn''t do it.

Perfectly put. We agreed...but didn''t consider it official till the ''real'' proposal. I totally knew it was coming. And yes, the location was free... the words were free, but the memories are priceless. They are wrapped in love and care.

 

[aussiegirl23]

oh goodness, this is starting to sound like a credit card commercial...

Roses: $20, Dinner at a fancy restaurant: $80, New suit: $300, Engagement ring: $5000.... The proposal? PRICELESS!

I''m thinking the ring should be the only expense... fancy locations or getups aren''t what make it special - at least to ME!

I want something oober-simple... then again, me and the FF are oober-simple people!

Anything else would feel fake & down-right BIZARRE!

Aussiegirl : p

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 7/26/2006 10:58:14 PM
Author: aussiegirl23
oh goodness, this is starting to sound like a credit card commercial...

Roses: $20, Dinner at a fancy restaurant: $80, New suit: $300, Engagement ring: $5000.... The proposal? PRICELESS!

I''m thinking the ring should be the only expense... fancy locations or getups aren''t what make it special - at least to ME!

I want something oober-simple... then again, me and the FF are oober-simple people!

Anything else would feel fake & down-right BIZARRE!

Aussiegirl : p

Our proposal was priceless truly - there wasn''t even a ring! LOL Just a patch of daisies under a tree...

 

[bookworm21]

I haven''t heard of spontaneous proposals lately within my group of friends. Well, maybe only one, but she was kind of expecting it already, just not so soon. All of the couples discussed marriage and agreed to it. The remaining question was just when it was going to happen, and when it did, yes, the men did get down on one knee to propose. But the proposal itself wasn''t the surprise; the timing was what caught the women off guard.

That said, I really don''t think I''ll be getting the proposal when my time rolls around. My guy is the most un-romantic, practical guy you''ll ever meet. Our engagement will be mutually consensual.

 

[littlelysser]

My FI unoffically proposed when we were looking at elliptical machines for our house. Those suckers are PRICEY and he said he''d rather put the money towards and engagement ring! I was surprised...and then we got the ball rolling.

We picked out the diamond, designed the ring and he picked it up a week later...he came in with the ring and flowers and said...and I quote:

"You''ve been putting up with me for five years. YOu know what you are getting yourself into. Do you think you want to be my wife."

Sooo romantic. Hehee.

That night we went to dinner at our favorite, most faboooooo sushi restaurant and just kind of celebrated.

 

[Miranda]

I think most of my friends and family were considered engaged after ring shopping and talking about getting engaged and then a proposal. In my circle of friends/family, I''m the only one who had a complete surprise proposal. DH took my very best friend ring shopping, picked out the stone and setting (he picked an inexpensive solitaire in case I wanted to change that) and proposed without being totally sure I''d say yes. We were 18 and 21...I guess that''s what happens when you''re young and brave!

 

[codex57]

Date: 7/26/2006 10:24:09 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 7/26/2006 6:15:27 PM


I hate to pigeonhole my thoughts like this, but I think a lot of factors go into this... age being one of them. When I got married, we were young and had practical reasons for making the choice (he was military and across the country - we couldn''t afford to be together without being married) and just BEING *together* was so important that the ultra-romantic gesture was not only unneeded, but at that point didn''t really even know those things happened! It wasn''t about not taking the marriage seriously, it was that it was so serious of a decision that romance really didn''t have a huge part in it! LOL Now that I''m looking to *finally* get a ring, I definitely want my husband to go the extra mile to make it special when he gives it to me. My expectations are different - not higher, just different. I think that different relationships just have different ways of expressing their needs and wants and priorities as well as the different symbological gestures that come naturally to a particular couple - both in wants and what is comfortable. Asking over breakfast isn''t always lazy... sometimes that''s just how the magical moment turns out! As special as the giving of the ring can be, the whole engagement process is not only about that moment. It''s about a wedding, a marriage, a joining... and for me at least, the moment we realized that this was the road we were going to take was in many ways more special to me than the actual proposal. The moment it hits you, ''This is the one!'', can be more powerful than a surprise helicopter

I think you touched upon it later, but I draw a distinction btw agreeing to get married and actually proposing. There''s nothing wrong with proposing over breakfast. Doesn''t even have to have a ring. But if not, then there should at least be some words. Rather than any old conversation.

My wife and I knew we were going to get married long before I actually proposed. Prolly talked about it over dinner (we don''t eat breakfast

). However, once I was financially able to afford a ring, I made the effort to do an actual proposal event. We were going to bother with a wedding, so I wanted her to have a proper proposal.

I mean, not being able to afford all that stuff is one thing. However, there''s a difference btw strolling down to the courthouse in your PJ''s after agreeing to marry over breakfast and getting dressed up in your best clothes (whatever they may be) at the courthouse. You''re still joining together, but the latter made an effort to show that this joining is important to the both of them.

 

[blodthecat]

Date: 7/26/2006 10:58:14 PM
Author: aussiegirl23
oh goodness, this is starting to sound like a credit card commercial...

Roses: $20, Dinner at a fancy restaurant: $80, New suit: $300, Engagement ring: $5000.... The proposal? PRICELESS!

I''m thinking the ring should be the only expense... fancy locations or getups aren''t what make it special - at least to ME!

I want something oober-simple... then again, me and the FF are oober-simple people!

Anything else would feel fake & down-right BIZARRE!

Aussiegirl : p

OMG...it does sound like that credit card commercial......priceless!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don''t think you need to spend a lot of money to make a proposal special. My FI proposed on the beach in nice clothes he already owned. It was special because he surprised me there and my family was there but he didn''t go into debt for it. We dated 4 + years when he proposed so of course we talking about getting married and I knew it was coming but I did not consider us engaged UNTIL he got down on one knee.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I did notice that my parents refused to consider anything solid until da ring was on da hand...


the fact that we had agreed to get married doesn''t seem to count so much in the US..

 

[SoonIHope]

Speaking of "agreeing to get married"...my friend is now on her 3rd in a series of guys she had discussed marriage with at great length...for some people, "agreeing to get married" doesn''t actually mean you''re going to get married! I think most couples make vague casual reference to married life/kids etc in a not at all serious way for a long time before actually discussing it in a more concrete manner, and then only some of those concrete discussers proceed to actually get engaged. Some people just like the talking and planning! So from people I know (who looove talking and planning, but apparently aren''t so big on the "marrying" part of the equation), I take a "we''re planning to get married" with a grain of salt. I realize there are a million couples out there who really ARE planning seriously get get married, but there are at least as many people doodling "Mrs. Smith" and picking children''s names without actually getting anywhere.... Since I''m not privy to the inner workings of their relationships, I can''t ever know where on the spectrum they fall, so my general assumption is they may do it, they may not - until I hear an official "WE''RE ENGAGED!"

Side note: I totally agree with everyone saying the "spectacle" part of the proposal is entirely about trying to make the moment special and important - not about money or even pre-planning. As long as you treat it with the gravity it deserves, any proposal can be romantic - but I still like the actual asking-of-the-question formality.

 

[lizz]

I guess I''d always thought that my proposal was unromantic, but after reading these postings, I think it was very romantic.

My husband waited until the day of his grandparents'' (who were deceased) wedding anniversary, March 17. He really loved his g''parents and admired their marriage. He had picked out a shell that day when we were on the beach together. We were sitting in his apt. on the couch at 8 p.m., and he was looking at that shell. He said there was something weird about it and I should look at it. I did, and the ring (which was a complete surprise and not chosen by me) was in there. He then asked me to marry him. He didn''t get down on his knee, he didn''t call my dad. But somehow, looking back, it WAS very romantic. My husband is such a romantic person, too, so I''m surprised he didn''t do the whole down on one knee thing.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 7/27/2006 1:39:22 PM
Author: codex57

I mean, not being able to afford all that stuff is one thing. However, there''s a difference btw strolling down to the courthouse in your PJ''s after agreeing to marry over breakfast and getting dressed up in your best clothes (whatever they may be) at the courthouse. You''re still joining together, but the latter made an effort to show that this joining is important to the both of them.

well we got married in white shorts, white shirts, me wearing birks and he wearing vans... it''s a little better than PJs I guess... hehehe... I love those pics of us... so young and in love

 

[drk]

My DH and I weren''t so traditional either.

Older, living in separate countries, together for years. We''d been casually discussing marriage and kids etc for a long time, and whether he''d ever move to Canada to be with me. When I was going into the Canadian match in my final year of med school, the discussions got a little more serious cause I had to know whether I should take him into account when ranking programs. He got to rank the order of cities for me.

A little later that year things weren''t going well for his company, and he was debating whether or not to take a package to leave, and we decided he should do that and move here, so at least if he had trouble finding a job his severance pay would tide him over. Then a few months after that, we were discussing logistics of him moving here and realized that unless he had a company offering him a job with a work permit while he was still overseas, he''d have a hard time getting into the country. The only way around that: a Canadian wife who''d sponsor him as a permanent resident.

We had the date booked for the wedding in Germany even before we''d found Pricescope (we had, with much dragging from me, looked at Erings before then), and we decided to head to New York for a long weekend to check out diamonds and have some fun. He proposed in a fancy restaurant (not on one knee) after a couple lines of a speech, and the next day we found our diamond at GOG. Took us another few weeks to get the ring finished.

So basically it took potential immigration woes to give us the much-needed kick in the pants to tie the knot. Everyone knew the date of our wedding long before we found the ring, but that was ok by us. We''re not the most traditional people, and I think I would have been way too embarassed to have him go down on one knee in the restaurant. I''d probably even have preferred being asked informally over breakfast, but then I guess I had already been asked informally when we agreed to set the date and get all the paperwork done!

Love reading everyone''s stories...

 

[westjenn]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years now and we didn''t have the traditional proposal or wedding. We were both young college students and could barely afford our plain wedding bands. Needless to say I did not receive an engagement ring. We could have waited years so that I could have had the ring, the dress etc. but that wasn''t important to me at the time. Years later I don''t think I missed out on anything.