Does your mother bring up engagement a lot?

[Starset]

Or any specific member of your family that you're extra close to. For me it's my mother. I love her dearly and I could have never hand picked two better people to be my parents. But sometimes her questioning on my relationship status brings me to tears. She'll say, I don't know how you do it. Going on and on in limbo without any commitment. What is he thinking? Have you two talked about it? Sometimes I wonder if he just doesn't want to marry you and I don't mean that in a bad way, just that there doesn't seem to be any explanation for his hesitations. You don't seem happy. If he's not in it he should just let you go. It shouldn't be this hard. You seem to fall easy to tears.

Well, yeah, because you question me to doubt him and doubt myself. Sometimes, mothers are good for a bitter dose of reality. But in this case, she feels the need to point things out over and over again as if there were nothing else in the world worth talking about - ever.

Maybe I'm not making the best sense, but anyone else feeling the family pressure?

 

[robbie3982]

My mom''s comments are a bit different, but I''ve been getting the pressure since almost day one. She''s been asking me when we''re going to get engaged since we first started dating. We literally hadn''t even been together for a month when she started asking. It drives me nuts! She has her sisters asking now too and they''re even pumping my cousins who I''m close to for information.

The only members of my family who know that we''ve already bought a ring are my cousins because I know that they won''t ask me a million times when he''s going to propose and they also won''t tell my mom.

I know my FF is going to ask within the next few months, but when everyone keeps asking me when it''s going to happen it makes me even more impatient than I already am for him to just do it already.

 

[ammayernyc]

Unfortunately, my parents have passed away, but my aunt and her three children and their spouses are relentless. It''s gotten to the point where I literally avoid family functions so I don''t have to deal with it any more.

This is how bad it got once: at my uncle''s funeral, my aunt (the wife of the man who just died) said to me and my boyfriend: it would be nice if there were a happy even soon. How about a wedding? When are you two going to get married?

Now, normally this might seem not so bad, but we were at my uncle''s gravesite!!! Where we just buried him!!! I just looked at her like she was insane and hoped it was the grief making her say such things...

 

[Starset]

Oh Amanda - I can completely sympathize. Both my grandfathers passed in the last 10 months and it was said to me (not in front of bf, thank goodness) "It''s too bad the family convenes for so many sad events lately. It would be nice if we could come together for a happy occassion..........like a wedding."

Seems like anytime''s the right time as far as family is concerned.

 

[galeteia]

Actually, I''m always the one who brings it up with her. My mother, thank the gods, is as wise and sensible as I could wish for. I call her up when I''m having LIW issues and she always manages to bring me back to reality and calm me down while doing it. Amazing.

But she also says things like "Promise me that when it comes to planning your wedding, you won''t make a single decision focused around my needs and wishes before your own. Or anyone else''s. This is your wedding, and it''s about what you and [FF] want, no one else." and from my time here on PS, I think that''s definitely not normal!

But my FMIL was mighty antsy about us getting married from the get-go, although now that she knows our timeline and that it will happen, she''s relieved and happy about it. Also amazing.

There is a not-so-fine line between being interested in your happiness and poking their noses into your business, I think.

 

[Mandarine]

Yes she does!

Almost weekly after we had been dating for a few months! she''s calmed down a little but I think it''s because she realized she was dirving me insane!

My BF''s mom in the other hand has probably never asked and never will! hehe

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 7/31/2006 12:34:25 PM
Author: Starset
Oh Amanda - I can completely sympathize. Both my grandfathers passed in the last 10 months and it was said to me (not in front of bf, thank goodness) ''It''s too bad the family convenes for so many sad events lately. It would be nice if we could come together for a happy occassion..........like a wedding.''

Seems like anytime''s the right time as far as family is concerned.

Oh I can relate to that... for me, the nonstop "when are you getting engaged??" came from my dad... and continued for about 2 solid years until my grandmother got sick this past spring. He was so upset about his mother dying, that he actually said to me "maybe if your aunt could pass on a family heirloom ring, you could get engaged, and give your grandmother enough strength to hold on for your wedding..."

That was when I seriously lost it and had a talk with him about overstepping boundaries. I understand it was an emotional time for him and he was just grasping at anything that could help my grandma (not to mention he is just desperately thrilled at the possibility of grandkids), but those kind of comments were NOT HELPING my unstable state of mind at that point. Hinging my grandmother''s LIFE on whether or not I got engaged was a bit much to handle.

 

[Starset]

I''m so glad (and yet so terribly sorry) that others have this pressure. My grandmother, who recently lost her husband to cancer, has on more than one occassion become weepy eyed, muttering ''I just hope I live long enough to see you two get married. I have a very strong fear that I won''t.''

NO PRESSURE!!!!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/31/2006 4:20:59 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 7/31/2006 12:34:25 PM
Author: Starset
Oh Amanda - I can completely sympathize. Both my grandfathers passed in the last 10 months and it was said to me (not in front of bf, thank goodness) ''It''s too bad the family convenes for so many sad events lately. It would be nice if we could come together for a happy occassion..........like a wedding.''

Seems like anytime''s the right time as far as family is concerned.

Oh I can relate to that... for me, the nonstop ''when are you getting engaged??'' came from my dad... and continued for about 2 solid years until my grandmother got sick this past spring. He was so upset about his mother dying, that he actually said to me ''maybe if your aunt could pass on a family heirloom ring, you could get engaged, and give your grandmother enough strength to hold on for your wedding...''

That was when I seriously lost it and had a talk with him about overstepping boundaries. I understand it was an emotional time for him and he was just grasping at anything that could help my grandma (not to mention he is just desperately thrilled at the possibility of grandkids), but those kind of comments were NOT HELPING my unstable state of mind at that point. Hinging my grandmother''s LIFE on whether or not I got engaged was a bit much to handle.

...

 

[anchor31]

My FI''s two grandmothers used to ask us about that all the time... Starting three months onto the relationship; I was 18!!

I remember my grandmother telling me when I was about 16 that she absolutely wanted to see me get married before she died... When we announced our engagement on the 15th, she immediately asked: "So, when''s the wedding?"

Me: "We haven''t discussed specifics yet, but it should be in 2008."

Her: "Don''t wait too long! I''m 80, you know, and not getting any younger!"

Of course I want to see her at my wedding, but I just wish she wouldn''t die at all...

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 7/31/2006 5:35:58 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 7/31/2006 4:20:59 PM
Author: ephemery1

Oh I can relate to that... for me, the nonstop 'when are you getting engaged??' came from my dad... and continued for about 2 solid years until my grandmother got sick this past spring. He was so upset about his mother dying, that he actually said to me 'maybe if your aunt could pass on a family heirloom ring, you could get engaged, and give your grandmother enough strength to hold on for your wedding...'

That was when I seriously lost it and had a talk with him about overstepping boundaries. I understand it was an emotional time for him and he was just grasping at anything that could help my grandma (not to mention he is just desperately thrilled at the possibility of grandkids), but those kind of comments were NOT HELPING my unstable state of mind at that point. Hinging my grandmother's LIFE on whether or not I got engaged was a bit much to handle.

...

Hehe... yes, I believe that is EXACTLY what my face looked like when the comment was made! Followed closely by:

Ugh... sometimes even knowing they mean well doesn't help much.

 

[bobacha]

well.. an engagement is not what my parents are waiting for.. they just can''t wait to marry me off !!!

i got frustrated the minute my dad brings it up on the phone..

and my answer''s always we''re STILL YOUNG !!!! (although I can''t wait myself

but I *had to pretend* in front of them What''s the hurry about ?)

Both me and my bf are 25.. and 30 years ago when my parent got married they were older than we are now.... that''s 30 years ago !!!

But we''ve been together almost 7 years... (yes yes i''m an LIW) but my parents constant comment are really not helping at all !

 

[robbie3982]

ugh! apparently my whole family is now taking bets on which of me and my cousins will be the next engaged. can''t they just leave us alone?

p.s.-they''re all guessing me

 

[Cailet]

My mom used to ask ALL the time - plus she would try to make little "subtle" comments to my bf

Now - she randomly suggests new bf possibilities - she even went so far as to send me the info on the auditions for the next bachelor show!

She thinks I am waiting too long (she wanted me married about a month after we started dating) - but really I wasn''t "waiting" for anything until the beginning of the year!

I just came back from my step brother''s wedding and now my dad and step mom are all ready to get everyone else in the family married off. At least they aren''t in the states so I don''t have to hear it too often - I just know what I will be hearing when I see them on the caller id!

 

[JCJD]

I think Starset has already heard my story, but I''ll share anyways.

DH and I dated for over 7 years by the time we got engaged, and from the 3 year mark and onward (I was a sophomore in college!!) he was mailing me jewelry catalogs to my college address and handing them to J whenever he came over. Did NOT help once I became an official LIW, but it did make for a very funny and moving FOB speech at the wedding.

Now my mom is bugging us for grandchildren - IT NEVER ENDS PEOPLE!!!!!

 

[Mandarine]

Conversation with my mom last night (after talking for a while)

(her) Ok, so how''s everything else?
(me) good...just down my sisters left, but oh well......did you read the e-mail I sent everyone?? (I sent a very nice e-mail to my parents and sisters)
(her) Oh yes! it was very nice...so.........has he asked you yet?
(me) NO MOM!.
(her) so what''s he waiting for?
(me) I don''t know mom. Gotta go! (with an upset voice)
(her) hehe (don''t know why she laughed)...I love you!
(me) me too....*click*

Ok...what does he asking have to do with a nice family e-mail?....and wouldn''t you think that I would have called people to tell them if he would have asked!

The funny thing is when I tell her to stop she always acts like I''m crazy! "what?? me??? I never ask you!!!? it must be someone else!" (suggesting probably my dad).

I''m not even upset! At this point is just kind of funny because I do know she doesn''t meant it in a bad way!...she knows my sisters left and now I feel lonely and I know she wishes he would ask already!...but God! does she have to ask when the answer is obvious??

 

[Fancy605]

My own mother NEVER talks about stuff like this. She was very modern in that she herself waited a long time to get married (and is still married), and has always instilled in us that waiting a long time is perfectly acceptable and probably for the best. We never heard fanciful talk about "when you're married some day" or weddings or rings or "when you're engaged" or anything else. I think her primary objective was to insure we never felt we needed a man in our lives to be complete people. Instead of talk about why weddings are amazing, we heard about why we needed to be happy, independent, and sure of ourselves as single women before we invested in relationships. "Marriage is forever, live your life first." and "You have you're WHOLE life to be married, but when can you ever do (fill in the blank) again? Go for that now. You can be married later." All in all I think that made us very lucky people. When you're young there is enough pressure from society to be in a couple and to get married and to live happily ever after by 25 or 30 without constantly getting it at home too. I am glad that the primary focus of my life hasn't been, "Find a man, get married, become someone's wife." It's been, "figure out what I want. Live my life. And if someone comes along who fits into my life whose life I happen to also fit into, then GREAT!" I feel like there are some people who fear being alone more than they fear being with the wrong person. I have felt those feelings and the pressure to be with someone, anyone before, but then my mother's same old spill always came back to me, and I know deep down that she's probably right.

That being said, now that I WANT to be engaged, I worry that my excitement will not be met with equal excitement from the family. It will probably be met with questions like, "is that what you want?" And with comments like, "okay, well as long as you're happy." It will be very practical and then the day will progress like normal with no excitement from them. And I will wish that I could do like everyone else and cheer and be giddy and jump up and down with my family for a few savory seconds, but... that's what all my friends are for, right? oh and PS of course

 

[Mandarine]

well, hold on...

my mom asking has nothing to do with how I was brought up....I never heard comments like that when I was growing up and being independent, going to school, etc was the top thing!. My mom would always tell us that BFs come and go, but you have to be independet and driven by yourself. She got a divorce when she was 34 and with 3 girls...never re-married and started her own very successful business!...

This is different! that''s why I felt I had to respond. I''m 29, my mom is very proud of me and my sisters and teh adults that we have grown to be. Now I''m with a guy I love and can''t wait to marry and she wants to see me take that next step, have more grandchildren, etc. I don''t believe the girls posting in here are saying this has been a constnat nagging in our lives...I know it hasn''t been for me at all!

Anyway, back to work!

M~

 

[Fancy605]

Oh I didn't mean that people who's moms talk about engagement a lot don't encourage being independent and self driven. I'm sorry if that was implied at all. I just meant I NEVER hear or have heard a single word about engagement or being married, it's always been the exact opposite.

But I do know plenty of people who every time they bring a boy home are bombarded with, "Do I hear wedding bells?" or "When are you going to marry him." My parents never ask that. Instead, when any of us have had a b/f, it was, "don't you rush into anything." and extra, "You should wait to get married" comments. Even when they ADORE the guy.

I was just saying that while I am glad I was raised hearing, "Don't rus, be independent" I wish that I could look forward to some excitement from my family rather than practicallity. I almost wish I had been asked, "Do you think you'll get married?" just once.

 

[robbie3982]

Mine has definitely been a constant nagging

. One time when I was fighting w/ my parents when I was 17 or 18 I said something about not wanting to go to college and one of them said something along the lines of "Well then how are you going to find a husband?"

That pissed me off.

Being brought up like this has definitely influenced my relationships and almost caused me to make a huge mistake. Realizing that I didn''t need a relationship to make me happy was a huge step for me and wouldn''t you know it, Mr. Right came along pretty soon after. I think it''s true that things come along faster once you stop looking.

 

[Mandarine]

Thanks for the clarification!

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side! hehe....some of our parents are driving us crazy and some don''t ask!...

Middle ground would be nice!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 8/3/2006 11:08:23 AM
Author: Fancy605

That being said, now that I WANT to be engaged, I worry that my excitement will not be met with equal excitement from the family. It will probably be met with questions like, ''is that what you want?'' And with comments like, ''okay, well as long as you''re happy.'' It will be very practical and then the day will progress like normal with no excitement from them. And I will wish that I could do like everyone else and cheer and be giddy and jump up and down with my family for a few savory seconds, but... that''s what all my friends are for, right? oh and PS of course

Same here Fancy! My mom has raised me in pretty much the same way ''Make sure you can take care of yourself, don''t depend on anyone else, etc.'' I truly value the fact that my parents raised me to be an independent person so I wouldn''t rush into marriage. However, when I do get engaged, I can tell you right now when M pops the question (probably in a couple years) I''m afraid all I''ll hear from my immediate family is ''Are you sure he''s the right one?'' ''Are you sure this is what you want?'' and the best part is when they''ll say ''Don''t make a mistake.'' I''m 24, graduated college with a 4.0, I''m working on my Master''s right now with a 4.0 gpa, I have a job that I''m good at, but I feel like sometimes my family has absolutely no faith in me. It''s really sad, but it''s true. Anyway, I share your reservation!

 

[bobacha]

just got off the phone with my mom

she finally stopped bugging me a couple of weeks ago since I told her that his mom has been asking when is a good time for her to visit my family ( for the proposal ).

In our culture, it''s only the parents'' proposal that count

my bf can give me an e-ring now and even though i would look engaged to people around me ( and I will feel engaged too).. it still wouldn''t count without the parent-to-parent discussion :p

so anyway, mom told me that it''s better to wait until September because now is the Hungry Ghost month in the Chinese Calendar so it''s a bad time to do anything hahahaha...