Dog Before Baby or Baby before Dog??

[Demelza]

Date: 9/9/2006 2:30:22 PM
Author: aljdewey
Dem, I''d wait. For a few reasons......


I had grown up with dogs, too, and at 21, I got my own dog.....a sweet little sheltie. She died suddenly at 4 years old; I was stunned and shocked. I had just moved to a new city alone, and my dog died 4 months later. I was absolutely crushed. Having always had dogs, I couldn''t bear facing the house alone. I got another dog pretty quickly.


In hindsight, I think it was just too soon. I had hoped a new dog would soothe me, but that really isn''t the best reason to get the new dog. I didn''t have the excitement and the readiness yet for a new dog. I think it made it harder on me and on her in the beginning, because a piece of my heart was still grieving the first dog. I wasn''t able to give 100%. It took us a while to work the kinks out....and that was without having a new baby in the picture.


That second sheltie, Brittany, lived to 11. She died from congestive heart failure, also somewhat suddenly. I knew she had it, but had expected a 12-18 month timeline, and she died 8 weeks later. I was crushed again.


However, this time, I decided not to get another dog right away to fill the space. Instead, I waited until I could be totally enthused and energetic about the new dog on its own merit. This was totally the right way to go. When I got Nicky (my present dog) , I was just absolutely in love with him for him.....not just to fill a space. I had much more to give him.


All of that is without a first-born child coming so quickly. I don''t have children, but I''ve seen enough of my friends/relatives have them to know that it''s completely and utterly all-consuming and disruptive to become a new parent. You''re likely going to be SO tired, you won''t even have the energy to take the dog out!


Granted.....if you already had the dog, you''d of course find a way to juggle both. People make do when they have to. But right now, you don''t have to. You have the luxury of choosing not to overwhelm yourself, and I think that''s a much kinder choice for you, as well as for your newborn and for your future dog. Both child and dog deserve to have all the energy you can give them, and both will thrive if you make those commitments when you''re able to give all you have to both.

Wow, very well said, Alj. What you say makes a lot of sense. I just wish it were easier to sit with these feelings. Loss is SO not fun!!

Thanks, all, for the thoughtful feedback. Dogs are truly one of the greatest gifts on earth and it helps hearing from people who understand how precious they are. I can''t really imagine how my life will change when this baby comes and that''s kind of scary. It feels so sad to be going through this big next phase without my Howard. My husband and I talked about this again this morning and we''re most likely going to wait. Unless, of course, the absolute perfect dog just decides to knock on our door this morning and say, Are you guys having a baby? Cause I''m the perfect dog and won''t cause you any trouble. Barring that, though, I guess we''ll hold off for now.

 

[Demelza]

Date: 9/9/2006 12:27:36 PM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 9/9/2006 12:03:02 PM



But Dem..don''t german''s shed too? you may already be used to the loose dog hair..

YES, German Shepherds shed like CRAZY!!! More than any other dog I''ve ever owned. I also grew up with Labs and there is no comparison between the two. I''m VERY used to dog hair all over the place and can''t believe that I now only have to vacuum once every few days. Or even once a week. It''s bizarre!!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 9/9/2006 12:27:36 PM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 9/9/2006 12:03:02 PM
Author: february2003brid


I had a breeder tell me that the youngest child should be 3 before a pet enters a home and she wouldn''t adopt her dogs out to anyone who had young children (including us because my DD was just 2 1/2). Her reasoning was that at 3, children understand not to pull, pinch, annoy the dog plus a host of other reasons (jealousy, time restrictions with the family, etc). I will say that after I talked to her, I held off adopting another dog...add to the mix two MORE kids and we''re still dogless

But once my baby is 3 (in 2 years) we''ll definitely get a Springer Spaniel!


Also, my neighbor has a black lab and a 5 year old DD and she wished they had waited until Lindsey was older to adopt Abby. She said keeping the house clean of dog hair off the floor while Lindsey was a crawler was terrible!

I find the breeders comments interesting. I did the opposite and wanted my dog to get used to being pulled, pinched etc. sure, kids don''t know better so it''s better to teach the dog to tolerate it while at the same time teaching the kids to be respectful of animals. We had a cocker spanial when I was a kid and she was the sweetest dog. Not as tolerate as my lab is now, but a good family dog none the less. I bet you can''t wait to get another dog.

and I so hear your neighbor on the lab and dog hair thing. I have to vacuum once or twice a day to keep my floors clean

.

But Dem..don''t german''s shed too? you may already be used to the loose dog hair..

yeah ditto here... I might have been more stressed dealing with a toddler, a puppy and a newborn but the dog definitely got used to having kids *right* away! Before it was set in its ways!

 

[AGBF]

Hi, Demelza...as usual when it comes to dog advice, you've gotten some great advice here. I think Al's is really worth its weight in gold (so to speak). You do have to mourn Howard. (Please accept my condolences on his loss, too. It sounds horrible to lose him as you did. He was clearly a great dog, and very handsome.)

A new baby is a huge adjustment. I know I really couldn't believe that I had gotten myself into something that, for the first time, I really couldn't undo! I used to wake up at 3:00 a.m. to make sure the baby bottles were all sterilized and the formula was made! (I couldn't breast feed.)

At any rate, there is usually a letdown after the baby has come home and all your friends and relatives have seen him or her. At that point, and when you have started to get some sleep, you can think about a new, fun project. I adopted a Lab when he was two. My daughter was older (age 5). He was a menace, but not with our child or her friends! I think that even a difficult Lab, like mine, will be good with a baby. I am more worried about your having enough sleep and enough time to give to working with the dog on his new routine and his new household. He may come in a little shell shocked and need your time and attention.

These are all good things coming up. You just have to live through the mourning first .

Hugs,
Deb

PS-We had a Golden Retriever when our daughter was born. She was already 13 and very mellow .

 

[Sundial]

Another vote for waiting. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful dog, but to me the baby is going to demand so much of your time and attention in the beginning that I don''t think it would be fair to a dog who is still adjusting to you and your household.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I am sorry to hear about Howard. I too vote to wait. I had a dog that had to be put down at 14. I thought I could never love anything as much as Mickey. I talked about getting a puppy after I got married but my husband was not a dog person. We didn''t have a yard at the time anyway so I put it on the back burner. Then I got pregnant. I couldn''t imagine having a dog while taking care of a baby. I just wouldn''t have wanted to do it. I think the dogs get used to a lot of attention and then when baby comes, they no longer are first, so it is hard on them too.

I still love dogs but I won''t even consider getting one until my kids are older. I just don''t have it in me to take care of a dog too. (I had another baby 20 months later).

Good luck with your decision.

 

[hlmr]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Howard! It is so difficult to go through these losses, but especially when you are pregnant.

I, too, would wait to have the baby and see how things go for you, your DH, and your schedule before you choose to get another dog. I know that it seems hard now when you are missing Howard, but your new baby will fill your world so very much that I doubt you will have the time or energy to devote to both a new baby and a new dog.

I agree that if given the choice, the baby should already be a part of your family before a new dog is brought home.

Best wishes and good luck to you!

 

[gailrmv]

Demelza,
Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of Howard''s loss. I also applaud your decision to adopt an adult dog instead of buying a puppy. You will certainly be helping that dog and giving it a wonderful home. I''m not sure which way I would advise you since I don''t have a baby. I can tell you that with each of our 2 dogs (each adopted as young adults from the animal shelter) there was some adjustment on our part and theirs, and it took a few months for things to be "normal." I''d either do it right away, or after you''ve gotten used to the baby - would not get the dog just after having the baby, but it sounds like you''ve already come to the same conclusion.

 

[hfollett]

My husband and I had a Golden Retreiver for 12 yrs until when he passed away of old age in his sleep outside under his favorite tree. We mourned for about a month, and then set out looking for a new canine family member, knowing it would be another Golden Retriever.

We searched for breeders and interviewed them, and placed a deposit on a pup in a litter yet-to-be-born. About 3 wks after that, the breeder called and said that the mating hadn''t taken and there were be no pups in the timeframe we expected.

10 minutes later I was online, looking for puppies. Right away I found a breeder in Ohio (we live in Indiana) whose puppies came from champion bloodlines and were twice what we were expecting to pay. I knew there was a puppy in that litter who belonged in our home and made an appt to drive 3 hrs one way to pick up our newest friend. A half an hour later my husband came home from running errands and I looked at him and asked "can we drive to Ohio tomorrow and pick up a puppy who is REALLY expensive?" and (bless his sweet heart) he said "yes".

That puppy turned into the perfect dog for our family. He''s the most gorgeous Retriever I''ve ever seen and is the most gentle animal alive. He''s a hit at the soccer fields ... so many kids come up to pet him. We''ve seen children who are frightened of dogs that by the end of the soccer season and after many times of timidly petting him, run up and hug him. We''ve decided that his mission in life is to help children overcome their fear of dogs.

The comments from other members are very valid. But it really comes down to how "go with the flow" you are. If it is important to have things organized and on schedule, have your house clean and yourself consistently groomed, then you are probably better off waiting.

We have 3 children, who at the time were 7, 4 and 18 months. Alot of people told us not to get another dog until the youngest was at least three. Chaos and lack of any sense of order doesn''t bother me, at least when it comes to home life. Our 1st Golden was 5 when our oldest was born. Our children grew up crawling all over him and getting licked from head to toe.

I liked your comment when you mentioned looking for the right dog with a super-sound temperament. I don''t know you at all and won''t pretend that I have the perfect advice, but, if it were me (having had 3 children and being a rabid animal lover), I would begin looking for a dog now and jump on the opportunity if the right one comes along. Having to do it all over again, I would have been able to deal with a puppy and a newborn. My husband is a big help. But my attitude is - the more the merrier.

If the dog is older and in a rescue situation, most likely the people who have spent time with him/her willl be able to offer some input. Since you''re looking for a Lab, you''ll know that the dog would be bred with a good temperament. I imagine, since you''ve been around dogs for so long, that you''ll be able to tell what type of temperament they have. You can judge based on level of obedience, aggressiveness, etc, which you should be able to assess. I''d also encourage you to consider a Golden Retriever. They have longer hair but I would think the shedding issue would be comperable.

I say - start looking for a dog now. If you find the right one, you''ll know it. Focus more on getting the right one than the timing.

 

[diamondfan]

I think someone wisely pointed out (maybe in different posts?) that A: So much is dependant on the individual dog and the baby. For instance, you could have a really colicky baby and that makes the normal sleeplessness even worse. (you get through but boy it''s tough). Also, a pup is yours to mold but needs to go out during the night (hey, when you are up feeding the baby you could let the pup out?!) and I know I waited til my youngest was almost 4 1/2 before we got our pup. She was 16 weeks already but I was out in the cold and rain at all hours...no one else helped me. Now she is awesome, but could not have done it with a newborn. A rescue or older dog has likely had trauma and may take a long time to acclimate. And might never really gel in the family, which would stink if you get attached. Baby could have allergies, who knows, maybe being around a pup alleviates it? Don''t know. I know you are a dog lover and I think you will be an awesome mom. I think you will know when the right moment comes, and you can intergrate the pup into your lives. Then, if and when you have a second child, the dog is now used to little ones and the transition should be easy!

 

[NYCsparkle]

I''m sorry about your dog.

My dog also died in July and of course I wanted another one. However at the time I was 9 months pregnant and not thinking clearly. My husband suggested we wait on the dog and I''m glad we did. The baby takes up all of my time, attention, and I''m loving being a mom. I would feel bad not being able to properly train and take care of a puppy right now. It would be hard to give attention to both a baby and a puppy. I figured when my son is potty trained we''ll think about a dog. I know it''ll be hard to wait for a new dog, but trust me...it''s exhausting taking care of a new baby. I can''t imagine caring for 2 "babies". You will be so in love and overwhelmed with your baby that you''ll be glad you waited.

 

[brt_mbl]

Author: Demelza
Date: 9/9/2006 2:30:22 PM



Unless, of course, the absolute perfect dog just decides to knock on our door this morning and say, Are you guys having a baby? Cause I''m the perfect dog and won''t cause you any trouble. Barring that, though, I guess we''ll hold off for now.

Ironically, thats almost how we got my cocker spaniel, except I was still in high school and not facing the responsibilities of a child. Unfortunately, we lost him when I was 6 months pregnant, which was 5 years later. We decided to wait to get another dog until my daughter was close to 3 and we felt we were fully ready to get a new dog. Which is a great thing for you to consider- wait for an age they may remember the dog more. Even at age 3, to a child, there is a special bond, and it can feel like the dog was always there when they were growing up.

I am so sorry for your loss. Howard was a beautiful dog and I am sure he gave you great joy. Besides my previous suggestion of considering the age 2-3 thing for your child as a good time- I have one other idea. If it is not too weird for you, or would not make you break down whenever you see it, put a picture of him in a special frame in your baby''s room as a tribute to him.

*On an important side note (not AT ALL directed at you, as from everything I have heard I DO NOT think you would ever do this)- More than half of all dogs people are trying to adopt out via online classifieds, calling rescue organizations, and ending up at a shelter are due to the story similar to this "new baby- its not working out." It''s very sad, but it''s true.*

 

[KristyDarling]

Hi Dem. I read only your original post so I might end up repeating what others have already said.....

First off, I am so sorry about Howard's passing. He was a beautiful, noble-looking dog and I can only imagine your sadness right now. But with the baby due in only 1 1/2 months AND you are still hurting from Howard's passing, I say definitely wait. You are going to be so tired during these last few weeks and you really should save up all your energy for the birth and following months. I know that you miss your sweet Howard, but like you said, waiting will give you time to properly grieve him before moving on.

We got our dog as a 9-week-old puppy when I was 4 months pregnant. It worked out great for us initially because I still had 5 months to go and was doing the stay-at-home partial bedrest thing so I had time to potty train him. However, after the baby was born, our poor dog had to take a backseat and put up with some unfortunate negligence (sometimes he had only 1 walk a day as opposed to 2, and we no longer had the time or energy to spend weekends at the park hucking a tennis ball). We felt really, REALLY guilty about not being able to give our dog the quality time he deserved and had become used to. But during the first few months post-partum, your focus really needs to be on the baby 100%. You'll be tired enough with the new baby, having a brand new dog around would only add to your exhaustion and stress level. I know it may not seem that daunting right now, but once the baby is here, you'll be hit with the sheer reality of exactly how taxing newborns are! (plus, you just never know if you might end with a colicky or sickly baby. We did, and we were insane with exhaustion and worry. As much as we loved him, our poor dog was sorely ignored during that time)

I think the fairest thing for everyone involved -- especially the baby and the dog -- is to wait until you're solidly settled into life as a family of 3. Until then, try visiting with your friends/family's dogs and that may help to ease your dog-cravings for a while.

 

[gailrmv]

Another idea for you Demelza - animal shelters are often looking for kind volunteers to foster a dog, to help it get those social skills needed for adoption, and to free up space so the shelter can accomodate more dogs. You would be doing a great service if you could foster. If the dog ended up being the right match for you, you could adopt him/her yourself. If not, you just take care of it until its "forever home" comes along and it is not a long term commitment. We adopted our younger dog through a foster arrangement and still stay in touch with her foster family! (She was only with them a week but they were able to give us valuable insight into her temperment and needs.)

 

[divergrrl]

demelza:

My condolences for the loss of your beloved doggie. I too own a beautiful GSD girl and she''s the love of my (and my toddler son''s) life.

Having been in (and still in) the diaper trenches, I have to say, the first few months are exhausting. Our poor dogs spent more time crated than up, and I had an easy happy newborn that slept all the time. (Imagine if he was colicky!) I had an easy pregnancy, delivery, and recovery and yet, I can''t imagine having a pup in the mix.

Those of us who have raised GSD''s know what smart dogs they are...they housetrain quick, calm down sooner (IMO...but my other dogs were high strung breeds) but still, Sascha still took a good 2 months to housetrain, another 3 to get her accident free, and then the consistent training & doggie-parenting that goes along.

My suggestion? Get a 2 yr old GSD either from the Humane Society or your breeder. Most people abandon those dogs not because they have problems, but because they didn''t know what they are getting into as far as taking proper care of a dog. My first GSD was an 18mo old from the Humane Society and she was already housebroken, obedience trained, good with cats, kids, and such a lover girl.

That way you get you can have another dog in your life & if the dog is there first, has a chance to bond with you (takes like what...a day? Less if you have steak in your pocket) and then becomes the baby''s protector when they get there. And....you have none of the hard work with the dog, which in a month & a half...you most likely won''t have time for.

Hope this helps!

Jeannine