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Dog decision

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niccia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 18, 2008
Messages
343
Hi guys...I've been gone for awhile, but I am back to request some advice on a decision I have been agonizing over for the last few weeks. My fiance and I recently separated and I have moved back across the country. Our relationship had been shaky for some time, and came to an abrupt end about 2 weeks ago. I had been helping him and his family out financially over the past year and a half, and that had put a huge strain on our relationship. I went on vacation home to see my family and found out that he had met someone else a few months ago, and right after I left, he hopped on a plane to go see her. I was hurt of course, but this is our second breakup and at least I can finally close this chapter of my life. What is most upsetting to me is that my ex adopted a dog about a year ago, and I have been taking care of her ever since. She loves us both, but is particularly clingy to me. We were her third and probably only secure home. I initially decided to leave her with my ex and his parents (he moved home). I know she is happy there and well-loved. Leaving her behind is killing me though. I am going to be back in a condo, so I thought it was better she has a yard and people around her all the time. My family is urging me to bring her home, and they are happy to have her at their place if I ever can't have her or are travelling for work. They keep telling me she is more attached to me than a place, and we never ever leave our pets behind in my family. I am so torn between uprooting her again, and feeling like I am abandoning her. I know she loves my ex and his parents, but I keep picturing her waiting forever for me to come home. This is the most hurtful thing my ex has put me through, and believe me he has made this breakup as messy as possible. I have the option of flying her out to me next week. That alone scares me, although I have shipped two other pets before and they were fine. Has anyone else here ever gone through this? Do pets get over you in time? I know how much I will miss her, but I am more worried about her missing me and it is so hard to let go of her welfare after caring so much about her.
 
The great thing about dogs is that they'll remember you forever, IF you come back into their lives. Otherwise, they don't miss you a whole lot at all after the first week or so. If she's not stopped eating or anything, she's over you. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. If she saw you 5 years from now (and never in between) she'd get excited and greet you like you just came home. Don't feel bad about leaving her in a loving home with people she loves. She may have been clingy with you, but perhaps she'll learn to be more outgoing now that she's around different people. Over time, she'll even develop a new strong relationship like she had with you. It's not ideal to bring her back into a situation where you have no yard and possibly little time to spend with her because of work or other responsibilities. She has a good home. If you really miss having a pet, you could always adopt one when you're ready. Either way, dog's don't have human emotions. It's sad that your family is making YOU feel bad though. That's not fair.
 
I agree with Lyra--I know we want to believe that our animals will miss us as much as we miss them, but in truth they don't. They are not human, and it does them an injustice to care for them as if they are human. If the pup has a loving home and a family that is giving her all she needs (food, shelter, medical care, and regular daily walks) then I think it's best if you leave her in her current home.

There are so many wonderful dogs waiting to be adopted in shelters right now. They deserve loving homes, and it sounds like you have one to provide for a dog. Why don't you consider adopting?

Just to make you feel better--we just inherited DH's aunt's Shih Tzu, Willie. DH's aunt passed away a week ago, she had Willie for eight years, and he came home with DH from New York on Monday and he is already fully integrated into our household. He may have gone through a mourning period for DH's aunt, but he's slept with us in the bed these past three nights, and he now follows us around as if he's been ours all along. He isn't pining away for anyone, and he's very happy. I hope that makes you feel better about leaving the pup with your ex.

I'm sorry about your breakup. It sounds like now you can move on to better things, and I hope you find them!
 
Thanks Lyra and Haven. I won't be adopting another dog anytime soon. It's only her that I don't want to let go of. My family doesn't mean to make me feel bad. They know I have agonized over the decision, and I tried to do what I thought was best for her. I know she would have a wonderful life with me, even if I was in an apartment, or with my family as well as they have a very animal-friendly lifestyle. We all love her to bits. I know she is a dog, but she was very in-tune with my emotions and really did become my child in a sense. It just hurts me to take her away from people she loves out there, or change her home again. Unfortunately, my ex didn't seem to care about that at all when it came to me.

Your story made me feel better, Haven. Ada integrated into my home really quickly too. I just hope she doesn't feel like I abandoned her.
 
I just came back because I realized I must have sounded very unsympathetic in my last response. I'm not--I really, really, really cannot imagine how hard it is to leave a pet behind, and I feel for you and what you're probably going through in missing your pup. I really do. I love my animals so dearly, and if I had to be separated from one of them I would be in a lot of pain. HOWEVER, the good news is that our furbabies just don't feel that same kind of pain at separation, and I wanted you to take comfort in that. Big hugs. I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
I imagine that it would be hard for the dog to get a sense of security if she's uprooted and then cared for in different homes by different people all of the time. As hard as it might be for you, it sounds like leaving your ex-FI's dog where she is might be best for her. Harder for you though -- definitely.

Basically, I agree with Lyra and Haven. They said it better than I could.
 
Thanks girls...the hugs are appreciated :) I'll consider what all of you have said very carefully.
 
Are you able to get her back with no argument from your ex? Are you questioning doing this because of the mess it may cause between you and him?

If he is fine with sending her to you, I would do it. Just because the physical surroundings you will be living in are new - you are not. If she is bonded to you, a new house with you is not going to be traumatic. You sound as though you are 100% sure you will provide her love and a home for the rest of her life. Are you certain his family would do the same? That would be my motivation, wanting to know that 5-10 years from now she is still safe and loved, and you can only know that if she is with you...
 
Thanks Waterlilly. My ex and his family have agreed to send me the dog, even though they do want her. Initially she was supposed to be their dog, and they couldn't keep her because they thought their jack russel might be agressive with her (which she was, but they get along ok now). I know for sure they love her, but they live on a busy road and have lost both their last little dogs to road accidents. Ada also requires expensive antibiotics from time to time due to gastroenteritis, and I have always been the one to make sure she is treated properly. They have assured me they will give her everything she needs, but it's hard to let go. I probably fuss over her too much if I am to be honest. My parents think like you do though...they only way to know she is ok is to bring her here. I am not wanting to keep a piece of the past...I am 100% ready to start fresh and I really never want to talk to my ex or his family ever again. It's easy for me to do that, but hard to walk away from the dog completely.
 
Niccia, from what you've said, my two cents is to take her while you have the chance. You said you were helping your ex's family financially -- so would they be able to pay for meds if the dog needs them? What if she gets worse or needs other medical stuff? The loss of 2 dogs on the road is also worrying -- one is very sad, two is stupidity. I'm sure they're caring folks or they wouldn't wish to keep her but often people aren't vigilant in situations where they should be thinking all the time.

Dogs are bonded to their humans, where cats like continuity of territory. Dogs don't care where they are if they're with their "pack." Your condo & your parents' house would soon become home; she'd be at ease both places if she's there regularly. You don't say what breed(s) she is, how big -- but all sizes, even large dogs, live fine in apartments all over the world, as long as they get exercise & companionship.

My philosophy is similar to your family's -- if you want to be sure it's done right, do it yourself. Includes pets. Good luck & tell us what you decide.

--- Laurie
 
If I were you, I would get the dog.

The main reason is that you said she is more bonded to you.

I left my now-husband when Byron, our older dog, was 3. We both loved and doted on him, but I simply wasn't willing to give him up when our relationship failed. I moved 1,500 miles away, which didn't make it an easy feat, but my plan was to move, get settled wihin 2 weeks, then drive from Missouri to Boston to get Byron. D ended up driving Byron to Missouri before the 2-week time period, but that ended up working out fine as I'd already mostly settled by then.

I did feel guilty about moving Byron from a house with a yard to an apartment, but we went to the park every day for an hour so he definitely got adequate exercise, plus I worked from home so I was always around. I also felt bad about not having D around since he was a part of Byron's life since he was a pup. But Byron didn't suffer from depression and seemed to enjoy apartment life.

In your scenario I do think the dog will be fine no matter what, which is nice, but if you want her and your ex's family is willing to hand her over, I would take her.
 
Thanks Laurie and NewEnglandLady.

She is a chihuahua cross, so not big at all. They say they will pay for her meds if she needs them, but I don't know. His mum tries to treat things naturally all the time and she doesn't have a clue what she is doing. They wouldn't let her suffer, and she seems to be doing well on the diet they have her on, but it's still a worry for me. Mostly I just miss her, and I'm sure she misses me too. I know it will get easier in time, but I feel like I may always regret it if I don't take her. I will let you all know what I decide (with pics of the reunion if I do!).
 
niccia said:
Thanks Laurie and NewEnglandLady.

She is a chihuahua cross, so not big at all. They say they will pay for her meds if she needs them, but I don't know. His mum tries to treat things naturally all the time and she doesn't have a clue what she is doing. They wouldn't let her suffer, and she seems to be doing well on the diet they have her on, but it's still a worry for me. Mostly I just miss her, and I'm sure she misses me too. I know it will get easier in time, but I feel like I may always regret it if I don't take her. I will let you all know what I decide (with pics of the reunion if I do!).
Click to expand...

I've been reading this thread, and I agreed with what people said about how she'll adjust to her new home, etc. etc. until I read that she's a Chihuahua cross. From my experience with Chihuahuas, they do get VERY attached to one person. I'm not sure how strong her Chihuahua characteristics are since she's a cross, but I'd be much more willing to believe that she'll miss you a lot if she's bonded with you and you've become "her person." I would take her.
 
do what feels most right and have no guilt in your choice - if you want her take her! If you feel guilty that you don't really want her with you even though you love her, don't take her and she'll be fine but you have to let go.
 
I say go for it and get the doggie back! You sound like you love and miss her so much, and are worried about her, so I say bring her home. She can still get exercise by going for walks. I'm not saying others won't give her good care, but you sound really devoted to her. It just sounds to me like she belongs with you.
 
Geeze, Niccia, a chihuahua should do great in an apartment. I think from what you've said that you'll regret it always if you don't bring her to you. Especially if anything happens to her. You'd blame yourself even though it wasn't your fault. All the signs point to her needing to be with you and vice versa. Go for it! Would love to see pics!!

--- Laurie
 
I hope you decide to get her back. Dogs prefer people not places and IMHO chihuahua prfer their female owners to male, plus you have been the one to take care of her thus far. They are the perfect confined space dog.

Post an upate when you have one.
 
Just an update to let everyone who gave me their advice know that I haven't been able to get my dog back yet. I made arrangements to fly her home, and my ex's mum wouldn't bring the dog to the plane as she had promised because they didn't want her to fly alone in cargo. I then arranged my work schedule so that I could fly back there and bring her home with me onboard, and after arranging it all with them again they wouldn't give her to me on the day of our flight home. His mum told me that she is too attached to her now, I don't understand how hard it is for her, and I can always get another chihuahua. I am likely going to take them to court for her now, as well as all the extra money they still owe me. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate these people...I am stuck paying off their business debt still while my ex and his mum fly off to spend New Years with his new gf.
If/when I am ever able to get her back, I'll post pics.

Merry Christmas to everyone.
 
Goodluck!

Getting the cats back from DH's ex was a drama filled experience. Breakups are hard, but way harder when there are pets involved.
 
I have three Chi's, so I can tell you, based on their temperament and disposition, they really do bond with one person more than another--and when that one person is gone, although they might be okay (eating and what not) they are lonesome for their friend. They are a very special breed in that respect...very sensitive and attuned to their person.

If I were you, I'd take the dog back. Plain and simple. Sure the dog might be cared for, but if you love her and she loves you, that's reason enough IMO to go get your girl. Flying her across the country is not a big deal. Make sure she is in an airline safe crate, give her lots of water, a snuggly toy and a warm blanket. If she's an anxious little girl, you may want to speak to her vet and ask if there was a sedative she could take to just soothe her chemically for the flight--which, isn't for everyone, but can make travel easier.

For what it's worth, Chihuahua's do JUST FINE in small living spaces. When I rescued my eldest Chi he and I lived in my little condo for a while. He really only needed to pop off once in a while, a good sunny space to lay about, and lots of snuggles in bed at night. That's it. A nice walk in the evening was good in the warmer months, but in the cold winters of the midwest, he'd just run around the condo before tuckering himself out.

I really hope you take her back...and I am really, really sorry about your relationship, however, it sounds like you've picked yourself up and you're on to bigger and better things.
 
Thanks Chem...yes, it would be so much easier if I just had to get over the breakup. That's been a piece of cake for me, actually a really good thing...losing the dog is 1000x harder.

Italia, thank you. Our chi was quite bonded to both of us fortunately. I fed and cared for her, and she was very in tune with my emotions especially, but she lay in wait for him to get home every single day. Knowing how much she loved him made it a little easier, but I still have a ton of guilt about having to leave her. I dream about her, and the whole situation with her every night. I hope she doesn't feel abandoned. :( His parents have 3 other dogs to love, but my little one was everyone's favorite. I am seriously at the point of just going and taking her back. I don't understand how I can have paid so many bills for this creature, have looked after her day in day out, and yet supposedly I can't just take her because he has decided to make a change and now she is his (or his mum's). His dad has threatened me not to come on the property, and I am a little nervous of him, otherwise I probably would have just gone that route already.
 
niccia|1287100639|2737732 said:
Thanks Lyra and Haven. I won't be adopting another dog anytime soon. It's only her that I don't want to let go of. My family doesn't mean to make me feel bad. They know I have agonized over the decision, and I tried to do what I thought was best for her. I know she would have a wonderful life with me, even if I was in an apartment, or with my family as well as they have a very animal-friendly lifestyle. We all love her to bits. I know she is a dog, but she was very in-tune with my emotions and really did become my child in a sense. It just hurts me to take her away from people she loves out there, or change her home again. Unfortunately, my ex didn't seem to care about that at all when it came to me.

Your story made me feel better, Haven. Ada integrated into my home really quickly too. I just hope she doesn't feel like I abandoned her.
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Honestly, I would take the dog back. If I were to ever separate from my SO, I know he could provide a great life for our dog but there is no way possible that I'd be able to part with her. Actually, when we first got the dog I told him that if we were to ever break up, I would take her and I was actually close to writing up a contract about it too (yeah...I'm nuts about her). I too feel a very very strong connection with my dog in terms of my emotions and she has really become something more than just a dog to me. If you're able to provide the same life for her that she has with the ex and you're agonizing over not having her in your life, take her back. I *know* my dog has a very strong attachment to me more than anyone else although she does really really love everyone in our family.

I lived in Mexico for a month and had to leave my dog with my parents (who she adores) and as screwed up as this may sound, I missed her more than I missed anyone else when I was gone. I literally could not wait to get home to see her. Funny thing is, when my parents would skype with me they would tell me how obsessed she became with sleeping in my bedroom, or how she would pace back and forth next to the door at the usual time I'd be home from school.

I wouldn't be able to go a day without my heart hurting if my dog was in someone else's possession even if they were providing her a good life.


EDIT: Just read your last response. Thats BS, and I seriously hope you take these nasty people to court. That is just beyond f*cked up. Have you saved vet bills? I would take all those and any other evidence that YOU have cared for the dog to court and get the dog back. There is no chance in hell I wouldn't take people like that to court and get back what is mine, especially something that I really love. I really hope you get the dog back---please keep us updated!!!!!!
 
It seems to me that it's probably less about the dog and more about you...and hurting you even more. Shame on them, really.

I think that you should draft a letter, either by yourself or hire an attorney to do so on your behalf. Let them know that it's your full intention to take the dog back, and that you'll spare no expense in doing so. Make it clear that involving the courts isn't beyond you, and every single day that passes without their cooperation is driving you closer to taking that drastic step. Give them a timeline that is agreeable to you--a month or less, nothing extended--at the end of which concludes with you you going to get the dog. Period. That's it. You're not asking their permission, but rather you're just laying the gauntlet down. It's your way or it's going to become incredibly expensive for them. I would even go so far as to offer a lump sum to reimburse them for any expenses the dog may have caused.

Sometimes you need to push back. They have the dog, they hold the cards...but you have money, and you can use that to make their lives very complicated.

I am so sorry you're going thru this. As the owner of three dogs I know the bond you have, and the love that is felt. Chihuahua's especially become more like children than a typical dog....they love so hard and so freely and really do tie into your emotions (it's crazy, right?). I hope you get your girl back.
 
I am actually writing them one final letter about the dog as we speak. I may steal some of what you said, Italia :) I have already told them I will go to court for her, and if I have to take it that far I am going to court for the rest of the money they owe me as well. I am very tempted to make copies of all the thousands of dollars in bills I paid for them, emails from my ex, and separation agreement where it clearly states that they are never again to use my cards or let me become responsible for their debt and threaten to send them to every single person they know if they don't start cooperating, but I don't know if that would be considered slander or defamation? They don't want anyone to know what really happened, and I think they think I have moved across the country and let them get away with it.
 
Have you considered stealing the dog back?

BTW, I hope they don't have any access to your credit cards/ banking information/ checks, etc.
 
niccia|1293219299|2805542 said:
I am actually writing them one final letter about the dog as we speak. I may steal some of what you said, Italia :) I have already told them I will go to court for her, and if I have to take it that far I am going to court for the rest of the money they owe me as well. I am very tempted to make copies of all the thousands of dollars in bills I paid for them, emails from my ex, and separation agreement where it clearly states that they are never again to use my cards or let me become responsible for their debt and threaten to send them to every single person they know if they don't start cooperating, but I don't know if that would be considered slander or defamation? They don't want anyone to know what really happened, and I think they think I have moved across the country and let them get away with it.
Click to expand...

As bad as this sounds, if you ahve to take them to court, take every piece of paper that you have, at least that pertains to them, and show the court. It will show how they cant take care of her, and it might help you get some of your money back. I dont play when it comes to furbabies and if i had to, i would.
 
I have considered stealing her back. To do so, I would have to go all the way back across the country again, but I would if I had to. Court takes forever, and I wanted to bring her home quickly before she gets anymore settled there. Unfortunately, they have prevented every attempt I have made to do so. I had both an onboard and in cargo booking scheduled for her last time, to make sure I got her on the plane one way or another (because she may be slightly too big for under the seat). His mum was supposed to meet me that morning, then couldn't make it. His dad wanted me to cab her to the airport (which cost $350 but I was able to arrange it). I rescheduled our flight for the next day, and paid an extra $300 for my own seat to do so. That morning my ex called to tell me she wasn't coming...period. They just keep playing games with me.
They don't have access to my accounts any longer fortunately, but still owe me a lot of money from the last time they used my credit cards witout my consent.
 
niccia|1293241491|2805713 said:
I have considered stealing her back. To do so, I would have to go all the way back across the country again, but I would if I had to. Court takes forever, and I wanted to bring her home quickly before she gets anymore settled there. Unfortunately, they have prevented every attempt I have made to do so. I had both an onboard and in cargo booking scheduled for her last time, to make sure I got her on the plane one way or another (because she may be slightly too big for under the seat). His mum was supposed to meet me that morning, then couldn't make it. His dad wanted me to cab her to the airport (which cost $350 but I was able to arrange it). I rescheduled our flight for the next day, and paid an extra $300 for my own seat to do so. That morning my ex called to tell me she wasn't coming...period. They just keep playing games with me.
They don't have access to my accounts any longer fortunately, but still owe me a lot of money from the last time they used my credit cards witout my consent.
Click to expand...


could you hire someone to steal her for you?? Just kidding.... :Up_to_something:
 
On a brighter note, I do have a very nice new bf who has been my best friend for the last 2 years and is very supportive of my obsession with getting my little girl back. He was on the phone with me last Christmas when my mum was undergoing 12 hours of heart surgery, while my ex was too busy partying to bother calling (until he stubbed his toe and needed to call me to ask where the bandaids were :roll: ) and he asked me out the day I ended my relationship with my fiance. So I do have a lot of things to be thankful for this Christmas (including a healthy mum!)
Merry christmas everyone, and thanks for the replies and advice.
 
Jessie, lol...his own sister has offered to do so. Fortunately for me, the rest of his family are wonderful people.
I may have to take her up on it :Up_to_something:
 
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