Doing something I probably should do...

[ammayernyc]

... I''m getting my hopes up. My birthday is this week and I am feeling for the first time that he might actually propose. He already gave me my present, but it was a week early and then made some comment about how I might get another present as well. We had friends over this weekend who are married and he and the guy were talking about my bf''s bachelor party as if it were going to happen soon.

The downside of all of this is that if it doesn''t happen by Sunday, I''m going to have another talk with him. We have to sign a lease for our apartment in the next couple of months and I''m certainly not doing that if there is no proposal...

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Amanda!

I feel your pain...my birthday is in two weeks and I''m trying really hard to not get my hopes up. It is hard but I have no indication that it will happen so I really shouldn''t even be thinking this!.

I ruined a special day once before because I just let myself get ym hopes way up...I''m really hoping I don''t do this again but it is easier said than done....it''s so hard to control that feeling!!...

All I can say is take a deep breath....and try to convince yourself that it WON"T happen on your birthday....maybe he will try to throw you off and do it a week after your birthday?....guys like to be sneaky and if he thinks you are expecting it he might not do it just to be able to surprise you...

Good luck and happy early birthday!

 

[JDgirl]

Does he already know that you won''t sign a lease together unless you''re engaged? If he does, then I''d let it go a little longer and closer to the deadline before you bring it up again. If you''ve already mentioned the deadline, so to speak, then he knows, and you don''t want to keep bringing it up and making engagement a negative thing for him. I know it''s hard. I have looming dealines too, but he knows I won''t live with him first, so I choke back bringing it up. It''s hard, but I want a proposal to be something he *wants* to do, not *has* to do.

Of course, that''s just if he already knows that you need the commitment before signing a lease. If he doesn''t, then heck, yeah, you should talk to him. Good luck!

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 4/18/2006 1:28:43 PM
Author: JDgirl
Does he already know that you won''t sign a lease together unless you''re engaged? If he does, then I''d let it go a little longer and closer to the deadline before you bring it up again. If you''ve already mentioned the deadline, so to speak, then he knows, and you don''t want to keep bringing it up and making engagement a negative thing for him. I know it''s hard. I have looming dealines too, but he knows I won''t live with him first, so I choke back bringing it up. It''s hard, but I want a proposal to be something he *wants* to do, not *has* to do.

Of course, that''s just if he already knows that you need the commitment before signing a lease. If he doesn''t, then heck, yeah, you should talk to him. Good luck!

He doesn''t know that that''s my deadline. We live together now, so I should say it''s renewing our lease...

I know that he values surprise -- he''s mentioned it to me a couple of times. I want it to be a surprise too, but I need to set some sort of limit. Ugh, so difficult!

 

[meepcat]

"You can''t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find you get what you need."

I think you should seperate the issues here -- are engagement and lease mutually exclusive? Or do you really hinge the lease on getting engaged?

If I were in your position, this is what I''d say:

"I need to know if a long-term future in marriage is a high priority for you. Only then, will I sign this lease, and only after receiving your commitment in writing. I have difficulty trusting you, because (insert reasons here)."

Then, let him respond.

After you''re confident in trusting him and his ability to speak his emotions to you, approach the subject of marriage.

But I wouldn''t even discuss it unless you came to some conclusion on your own, about how committed YOU are to the relationship, regardless of getting engaged soon or not.

Side note:
In my last relationship, I did this same thing, except, I was living in Germany, and had no place to go inside Germany. So it was either Germany or the US, and I''d already moved my entire being (luggage, everything) to Germany. So when we had serious discussions like this, I really needed to damn well know how committed he was. I found him scoffing on the topic, truly embittered by the idea that the trappings of marriage were so important to me. But at the time, I didn''t want to be giving up so much of myself for someone who couldn''t commit to marriage. And looking back, it was the smartest thing I ever did. Of course, the bastard never realized how difficult my life was, and for that, because he took it for granted every day, I can''t forgive him.

 

[froufrou]

hah! what is it with guys and being all sneaky!

my boyfriend thinks its funny to try to convince me that he will ask me on a certain date (example: "well, im planning to ask you to get married when we go on our trip in three weeks"; "i have a ring already you just dont know where it is") the thing is...i KNOW 100% that he does not have a ring and is not planning anything yet, he just likes to mess with me on this point, so i told him now if i dont get one by the end of our vacation and he keeps trying to make me think i will, i will cry, and he just laughs. he did the same exact thing about my christmas present, telling me how fantastic it was and implying that it was an engagement ring, and it was a nice peice of jewelry, but, ha, i cried. i told him it was his fault.

 

[snuga]

I went through this before my birthday and got really excited and my hopes were really high. He even told me that my birthday present was going to be worth xx.xx amount of dollars (which happens to be our ring budget). Anyways, my birthday came and went sans proposal.

The best advice I can offer is that it is fine to be excited about the idea, but don''t expect it!! That way if it happens you will be so excited, but if it doesn''t you won''t be terribly let down.

 

[swt_acacia]

I second not having another talk with your boyfriend if he already knows you want to be engaged before signing a lease. I told my boyfriend I need to be engaged before we move out of state (in two years!), and now he''s freaking out about the "pressure". If your guy already knows he only has a couple of months, you trying to talk to him about it may make him feel like he''s lost the element of suprise, or may just make him feel too pressured to actually do it.

 

[swt_acacia]

Ugh, sorry, must have missed the post where you said he doesn''t know. If he doesn''t know and that deadline is important to you, you are setting things up to get ugly. On the other hand, I think it''s probably a little too late now to tell him and expect him to throw together a proposal by a certain date.

 

[icekid]

Amanda-

I''m crossing my fingers for you that it really happens for your birthday.. but I hope you''re not too upset if it doesn''t. Hopefully you will have some solid news from him soon though!!

 

[ammayernyc]

Thanks all for your responses.

I realized that I misnamed the title... it should be "Doing something I probably shouldn''t do..."

I have my hopes up higher than I do before, but it''s only because I know I need to have a conversation with him if it doesn''t happen. I don''t want to sign my name to something like a lease without an assurance that our relationship is going to the next step. We have had conversations before and he''s one of those ''non-talkers'' so it''s really difficult. Last time he mentioned the surpise thing again and how he needed more time. I''m just making sure more time doesn''t equal three years...