Doubts?

[mirre]

I hate that I am even writing about this but I guess I''ve gotten a little down and needed to hear (read technically) others thoughts.


Have any of you questioned whether current BF is "the one"? I''m not talking about questioning past BF''s but the one you are/were a LIW for.

I guess I''m just trying to see if it''s typical or not. I love BF very much but there are just a few things that are getting to me lately and I''m wondering if it''s just little things because the "new" is wearing/has worn off or if it''s something to look into more.

I hate feeling down... I like to be happy without focusing my attention on little things that don''t matter.

 

[MissErin]

Yes I think we all go through this here and there. Not everyday, week, month, or even year will be the best and doubting usually plays a part in this... But in time it usually fades. So you are not alone. I went through this last year and ended up just getting to a point where I needed to just sit and reflect on everything my relationship had and didn''t have. I came away thinking, "Erin you are CRAZY!! Eric is a wonderful man with all the love in the world for you."

The bottomline is that women and men do go through this so don''t feel odd about it. This too shall pass.

 

[Odilia]

To be honest, I never had any doubts about my DH. But I guess I have very good instincts; I always could tell very quickly other guys were not Mr. Right, and I could tell very quickly DH was "the one", and never had any doubts about him during our courtship or engagement.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

It happens to everyone, because you''re not going to be in the "honeymoon" stage of your relationship forever. It''s a good thing that we realize that our BF''s do have faults, and if anyone says theirs is perfect, there is something wrong. It''s normal to think about it and take a long hard look at your relationship. I''ve been with mine for 7 years, and if I catch myself focusing on something that I don''t like, if it bothers me, I talk to him about the behavior, or whatever is bothering me. Communication is the key to having a healthy relationship. Like Erin said - you can sit back and think about everything you do or don''t have in your relationship - but most likely the good will outweigh the bad, and you''ll realize how lucky you are to have them, faults and all!

 

[Erin]

I thought my exbf was ''the one'' and after six years of dating with no clear answer to the questions ''when'' then I started to look at his ''shortcomings'' differently and started to resent him because my pot had boiled over. I was tired of waiting and his uncertainty made me focus on all the reasons why I should even be waiting for him anymore. That''s when I started concentrating on his ''faults'' and convinced myself I needed more than what I was (not) getting.

 

[sandia_rose]

I remember reading somewhere that the giddy, "high in love" feeling lasts about 2 years in relationships. When that wanes, it doesn''t have to be a bad thing....IF your relationship is based on more than just physical attraction. Most days, I get that warm and fuzzy feeling when I think about my BF or look at his picture on my desk in work (like I am doing right now). But there are other days when he just pees me right off. I still love him..but occasionally we''ll have a disagreement and I won''t like him very much that day. But I never get the feeling or urge that I don''t want to be with him.

Every person is a mixture of qualities you love and qualities that you hate. For example, I can look at my BF and tell you for absolute certain that he is The One for me. I can say that because he has the qualities that I want and need in a partner (intellegence, common sense, sense of humor, ethics, integrety, an attentive lover, a talent he is proud of, kindness, responsibility, pride in himself and his accomplishments, romantic). But there are also some things that I look at (and this depends on the day - my viewpoint changes on these constantly) and say, "I dunno if I could deal with that long-term." Those things in my BF are: his tendency to leave clothes all over the place, his habit of drinking milk out of the jug as opposed to getting a glass, his love of fast food (and tendency to complain because he can''t seem to lose his cute tummy pooch) and his habit of overthinking practically everything to the point where he can get neurotic. While those things annoy me sometimes, they are not deal-breakers. Deal-breakers for me are things like an inability to stay faithful, being overly critical, alcohol or drug addiction, lack of personal or financial responsibility, abusive behavior, lack of personal hygiene/self-care and a lack of direction in life. When I was younger, I had a boyfriend propose to me....and while I wanted to get married, I had this nagging doubt feeling. WELL, it turns out, after I thought about it a while, my doubt was because he was a heavy drinker that would get nasty while drunk, and he was also clingy (hated it when I went out with my friends, called me 6-7X per day for no good reason). My gut was telling me not to marry this guy because he had serious issues. Thankfully, I didn''t.

Your "doubt" is very normal. Especially when you''re thinking about making a life-altering choice like considering marriage. That is a HUGE thing, and there would be something wrong with you if you didn''t look at all the angles and have some doubt before going into it.

The way you can tell "good doubt" from "bad doubt" is this: If your guy has the qualities that you want in a man and no deal-breakers, it''s just cold feet. But, if he has some personality or personal traits that are waving in front of you like a red scarf in front of a bull, then the doubt is trying to tell you something and you need to listen.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Quinnie]

Mirre, I''m sorry you''re feeling down. *Hugs*

I''m definitely the type to over-analyze things, so sometimes I focus on my BF''s not-so-desirable traits too much and doubt creeps in. But, no matter how angry or doubtful I get I try to imagine my life without him in it, and it''s impossible. Usually it takes me a day or two to realize it, though.

I hope you work through this. Best wishes!

-Quinnie

 

[musey]

Date: 12/19/2007 3:35:45 PM
Author: sandia_rose
I remember reading somewhere that the giddy, ''high in love'' feeling lasts about 2 years in relationships.

That sounds about right to me!

That''s also why I worry about my brother, whose girlfriend (his first ever) is pushing him to get engaged soon and marry her around the 2-year-mark. RIGHT at the end of their "honeymoon period."

But I digress...

I think it''s normal to have doubts, in the context of "questioning things." If you don''t ever question it, how is it a decision?

 

[bee*]

I didn''t have any doubts about D. I just kind of knew that he was the person for me all along. There have been times when I''ve been frustrated and I''ve thought

but I''m quite direct in our relationship so anytime that he''s bothered me, I''ve just said it to him.

 

[Pandora II]

I never felt a second of doubt I'm afraid.

At 35, and after several long-term relationships, I knew exactly what I was looking for and exactly what I didn't want.

I suppose we moved quite quickly into the quieter phase of a relationship - ie we were more interested in talking and doing things together than ripping each other's clothes off. I've seen a lot of colleagues marry people because of the huge chemistry and attraction and 2 years down the line find they are totally not compatible with disasterous consequences.

I think you need to have your feet firmly on the ground to make such a huge decision, not giddy with the first flush of love/lust.


After three and a half years and a year of engagement, I can truly say that there is nothing I would change about FI at all. We never fight - we're basically nauseatingly happy.

Okay, if I could change just one thing, it would be his refusal to buy me surprise jewellery - he reckons he'll get ripped off without my help.

 

[Sha]

Date: 12/19/2007 3:35:45 PM
Author: sandia_rose
I remember reading somewhere that the giddy, ''high in love'' feeling lasts about 2 years in relationships. When that wanes, it doesn''t have to be a bad thing....IF your relationship is based on more than just physical attraction. Most days, I get that warm and fuzzy feeling when I think about my BF or look at his picture on my desk in work (like I am doing right now). But there are other days when he just pees me right off. I still love him..but occasionally we''ll have a disagreement and I won''t like him very much that day. But I never get the feeling or urge that I don''t want to be with him.


Every person is a mixture of qualities you love and qualities that you hate. For example, I can look at my BF and tell you for absolute certain that he is The One for me. I can say that because he has the qualities that I want and need in a partner (intellegence, common sense, sense of humor, ethics, integrety, an attentive lover, a talent he is proud of, kindness, responsibility, pride in himself and his accomplishments, romantic). But there are also some things that I look at (and this depends on the day - my viewpoint changes on these constantly) and say, ''I dunno if I could deal with that long-term.'' Those things in my BF are: his tendency to leave clothes all over the place, his habit of drinking milk out of the jug as opposed to getting a glass, his love of fast food (and tendency to complain because he can''t seem to lose his cute tummy pooch) and his habit of overthinking practically everything to the point where he can get neurotic. While those things annoy me sometimes, they are not deal-breakers. Deal-breakers for me are things like an inability to stay faithful, being overly critical, alcohol or drug addiction, lack of personal or financial responsibility, abusive behavior, lack of personal hygiene/self-care and a lack of direction in life. When I was younger, I had a boyfriend propose to me....and while I wanted to get married, I had this nagging doubt feeling. WELL, it turns out, after I thought about it a while, my doubt was because he was a heavy drinker that would get nasty while drunk, and he was also clingy (hated it when I went out with my friends, called me 6-7X per day for no good reason). My gut was telling me not to marry this guy because he had serious issues. Thankfully, I didn''t.


Your ''doubt'' is very normal. Especially when you''re thinking about making a life-altering choice like considering marriage. That is a HUGE thing, and there would be something wrong with you if you didn''t look at all the angles and have some doubt before going into it.


The way you can tell ''good doubt'' from ''bad doubt'' is this: If your guy has the qualities that you want in a man and no deal-breakers, it''s just cold feet. But, if he has some personality or personal traits that are waving in front of you like a red scarf in front of a bull, then the doubt is trying to tell you something and you need to listen.


Bridget in Connecticut.

Well said!

 

[KatM]

i think doubt is completely normal, just because you can''t see into the future. the not knowing can be very scary, at least for me i know it can be. despite sometimes feeling doubts, however, i know on a deeper level what is right. sometimes i doubt myself or my relationship with bf, but i know in my heart that he''s a good guy and that this is right.

 

[musey]

I had another thought about this today.

I think there's a difference between doubting the person you're with and doubting the direction your relationship is going. Whenever I have "doubts," it's mostly a matter of "am I ready for forever"... usually brought on by someone reminding me (or assuming) that I'm young/inexperienced/etc./etc. I often think about "what ifs." Whether I should be taking the "smart" road (i.e. waiting until we're older, just for the sake of waiting). Sometimes I get in a funk and really have to sit down and remind myself of all the reasons I'm marrying him.

I think that's normal... especially as an early- to mid-twenty-something. At least, I hope it is!


ETA: I think that that doubt (or cold feet, really) creeps into our view of our SO, as well. I may be annoyed at him because he left his boxers on the floor (again), and wonder if I can deal with someone who leaves boxers on the floor for the rest of our lives... but that's not really what it's about. It's about whatever happened to make me question my readiness for marriage itself, not my wonderful guy! I never questioned his leaving boxers on the floor until we were engaged, so what would make it such a pressing issue after that?

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 12/20/2007 3:06:01 PM
Author: musey
I had another thought about this today.

I think there''s a difference between doubting the person you''re with and doubting the direction your relationship is going. Whenever I have ''doubts,'' it''s mostly a matter of ''am I ready for forever''... usually brought on by someone reminding me (or assuming) that I''m young/inexperienced/etc./etc. I often think about ''what ifs.'' Whether I should be taking the ''smart'' road (i.e. waiting until we''re older, just for the sake of waiting). Sometimes I get in a funk and really have to sit down and remind myself of all the reasons I''m marrying him.

I think that''s normal... especially as an early- to mid-twenty-something. At least, I hope it is!


ETA: I think that that doubt (or cold feet, really) creeps into our view of our SO, as well. I may be annoyed at him because he left his boxers on the floor (again), and wonder if I can deal with someone who leaves boxers on the floor for the rest of our lives... but that''s not really what it''s about. It''s about whatever happened to make me question my readiness for marriage itself, not my wonderful guy! I never questioned his leaving boxers on the floor until we were engaged, so what would make it such a pressing issue after that?

well said, Musey. I agree 100%.

 

[mimzy]

i think it is normal.


i think there is a difference between thinking things over and analyzing things to death. of course you want to question your relationship - the whole "if you aren't questioning, you aren't really thinking" mindset. that can sometimes cross the line into over analyzing things, in which case it's really easy to lose sight of what's important. you can pretty much talk yourself into anything, and you can talk yourself out of anything just the same.

I had a period of freakout where i constantly thought to myself "is this it?" "am i really going to always be happy" (stef if you read this don't worry - i love you!) and the conclusions i came to where yes and no. If i wanted to, i could find a reason to leave my FI, and i could probably even talk myself into believing it is the right thing to do. but knowing him and the kind of person he is, i know it doesn't get any better than him. he is so special and there are so many good things about him that i know i could never find in anyone else. and nothing makes me happier than thinking about a future with him. so - i made a conscious choice to make this "it". and to be honest it was a little hard to get to that point because i thought i had "it" before, and i was wrong.

and no, i'm probably not always going to be happy. i've heard a rumor that marriage is hard. but i know that i will always be happy that i married him, and that i am 100% confident of.

i think it's a real misconception that girls don't freak out like guys do - that we are just expected to be ready and raring to go (my mom's phrase) whenever the guy is ready, especially after we've already expressed a desire to get engaged and to marry them. anyways....

with that said, when the dust from the storm that is newfound love settles (i dont' remember how long you've been with you BF, sorry!), you're either going to be stronger or you are going to break apart, and it's natural to be scared of both, especially if you are younger.

spend a quality day with your BF where you are totally focused on him. if the whole time you are perfectly content and happy, you are probably safe. if your doubts have gotten to the point where you can't even really enjoy it, then you might want to bring it up with him.

 

[Gemini85]

Date: 12/19/2007 4:04:35 PM

But, no matter how angry or doubtful I get I try to imagine my life without him in it, and it''s impossible.

-Quinnie

This is exactly how I feel! My BF and I constantly get into arguments. We both feel at times that we HATE each other. Then he forgets everything in the morning, and I take days to forget even the simplest things. No matter what we argue over though, we can not be without the other and move on.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/20/2007 3:06:01 PM
Author: musey
I had another thought about this today.

I think there''s a difference between doubting the person you''re with and doubting the direction your relationship is going. Whenever I have ''doubts,'' it''s mostly a matter of ''am I ready for forever''... usually brought on by someone reminding me (or assuming) that I''m young/inexperienced/etc./etc. I often think about ''what ifs.'' Whether I should be taking the ''smart'' road (i.e. waiting until we''re older, just for the sake of waiting). Sometimes I get in a funk and really have to sit down and remind myself of all the reasons I''m marrying him.

I think that''s normal... especially as an early- to mid-twenty-something. At least, I hope it is!

ETA: I think that that doubt (or cold feet, really) creeps into our view of our SO, as well. I may be annoyed at him because he left his boxers on the floor (again), and wonder if I can deal with someone who leaves boxers on the floor for the rest of our lives... but that''s not really what it''s about. It''s about whatever happened to make me question my readiness for marriage itself, not my wonderful guy! I never questioned his leaving boxers on the floor until we were engaged, so what would make it such a pressing issue after that?

Another ditto from me! Sometimes I get a little freaked out because getting married seems so "grown up," but I can''t imagine not being with my fiance. I just sort of knew we would get married after about a year of dating. It''s funny, because when we first started dating, he was WAY into me and I was definitely more lukewarm. He said ''I love you'' like a month or two before I said it to him, etc. But once I knew, I just knew, and I told him we were going to get married. He wasn''t quite so sure-I guess that was my payback for being kind of "meh" about dating him at first!

 

[misscuppycake]

I think it''s quite normal. We''re always growing and changing, so sometimes it''s tough to even know ourselves. Being involved with someone else and making them "the one" is an extension to ourselves.

 

[Deelight]

I think most people at some stage have some niggley thought about whether they are making the right choice.


I have always known (well from about 6mths in) S is the one for me for ever and ever and ever.

Things in a relationship at one point or another will get to you and after a while things can lose their shine the main thing though is how you work through those things

.

YES what your feeling is typical for many people your not alone

 

[diamondfan]

I think, like Sandia said, if you there are red flags and you have doubts, that might be your way of subconsciously saying, get out while you can. And sometimes, even if "on paper" the person is amazing, they just might be missing something for you, a chemistry thing, and that is why you just have some doubts, though I am not saying this is the case. I really believe if you cannot see yourself down the line as being married to the person, if you cannot envision your life together, that maybe there is a reason why. Not that this is infallible, but it tends to be true. I think some doubts are normal, most people, though not all, experience them, and it might just be because marriage is (should be) a lifetime decision and not something to take lightly, which can give pause. But doubts about specific things and being upset or worried about the future with a guy is different to me than overall doubts that are more generalized.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/11/2008 8:11:54 AM
Author: diamondfan

And sometimes, even if ''on paper'' the person is amazing, they just might be missing something for you, a chemistry thing, and that is why you just have some doubts, though I am not saying this is the case. I really believe if you cannot see yourself down the line as being married to the person, if you cannot envision your life together, that maybe there is a reason why.

This reminded me of something from my own past, where I learned to not pay attention to the "on paper" factor. Before I dated my son''s father/ex-husband, I had been dating this guy for little over a year. I typically go for artists and musicians and blue collar guys....but this guy was a lawyer. Very good-looking (kind of like a young Antionio Banderas). With his own practice. And his own large home. And money to go anywhere/do anything he wanted. We would go to charity balls, Bar association functions and other snazzy events -- and his habit would be to hand me his AmEx card and tell me to go shopping for something nice to wear. I had a closet full of fancy dresses that I (on the bartender''s salary I had then) couldn''t afford myself. He would make it a point to tell me that I needed to get something NICE (meaning: expensive). And around the one year mark, he kept dropping hints that he was thinking about a future. BUT....

I was going to college at night to earn a degree. This guy had said to me more than once, "Why are you going to college if you''re not going to work?" And I said, "What do you mean...not going to work?" And he said, "Well, none of the women in my family work, and I don''t want a working wife." He is very traditional Italian, by the way - his parents don''t even speak English very well. And another time, we started talking about children, and he said, "I want at least three." So I said, "There''s no way a woman can have three kids AND maintain any kind of serious job without a lot of outside help." And then he said again, "Well, the mother of my children won''t be working. And no daycare, either. She''ll be the one staying home with them." I gradually started to realize that if I married this guy, I''d basically be reduced to a piece of property/maid. Sure, I''d have a good-looking husband with a great income and the money to do whatever.....but at what cost? My life would be whatever he thought it should be. And then I thought about it more. I''m a no-nonsense kind of person who, for example, will shop at consignment stores and on eBay as opposed to going into a store and buying things at full-price. When he wanted me to shop for an event we were going to, he wanted people to see me in expensive clothes, because it made him look good. It was never about me or how he personally felt about me. Before I broke up with him, one of his brothers let it slip that he had been "shopping." Turns out that this guy had been shopping for engagement rings. So I asked his brother what he was looking at -- and he told me the name of the jeweler (a local B&M that specializes in high-end pieces) -- and also said, "Those rocks were HUGE." So again, all about him. He knew that I did not like large blingers, and he probably would have gloated, bragging to people, "I bought my girl a 5 carat (or whatever) ring. I can afford it!" I loved the guy but realized that someone like him would NOT be in my best interests long term. All my girlfriends thought I was insane to let him go.

On the flipside, I inadvertantly married my ex -- who had a lot of the same control issues and need for approval/validation from others. I''ve since realized this through counseling and won''t date or marry someone like that ever again. And like the lawyer, my ex looks really good on paper, and there are still people who don''t understand why I divorced him. Although....they might if I spread around that he gave his new fiancee my engagement ring...that I wore for 4 years!

Bottom line is: If he looks good on paper but you still sense/see/feel red flags, LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. You were given intuition for a reason.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I totally understand how you can have doubts and a lot of times they can stem from events and people totally unrelated to your relationship. I don''t know if this is true for everyone in this position, but you really don''t know a lot about your parents'' relationship until one of them is gone. After my father died I learned a lot about their relationship that really made me question my own SO. My mother does not regret marrying my father because he pushed her to be the person that she is today, but he did have a lot of traits that were not good at all, for me or her. This terrifies her that I will end up in her position, and it also scares me. His death has made me very skittish about a relationship that was and is perfectly normal and fulfilling. It has taken me almost seven months to get myself to a point where I can truly believe that my SO is NOT my father. In the same vein, the successfulness of my relationship cannot be determined by comparing it to the relationships of others. Just because your friend''s never seem to fight with their SO''s etc, does not make their relationship any more perfect. Sometimes I just have to sit myself down and say
"Stop it", and list off all the reasons why he is perfect for me, and then in retrospect I realize how stupid I was to be scared.


*wow reading that back to myself I don''t know how helpful that will be, but I''m still gonna post it anyways!

 

[orangemonster]

Date: 12/19/2007 2:24:08 PM
Author: old-fashioned girl
To be honest, I never had any doubts about my DH. But I guess I have very good instincts; I always could tell very quickly other guys were not Mr. Right, and I could tell very quickly DH was ''the one'', and never had any doubts about him during our courtship or engagement.

This is exactly how I felt about my DH too... the first time I met him something ''clicked'' (I ALWAYS hated when someone said this but it was true for me). Never had a doubt about him... BUT I never thought he was perfect either. I was aware of his faults but knew we were meant to be with each other. Don''t be afraid to recognize your guy is not perfect... he WILL irritate you at times... he WILL make you crazy at times... but if you love him you will get through it.

 

[surfgirl]

mirre, while everyone is saying that it''s somewhat normal to have second thoughts on such a huge step, you clearly said in your OP that there have been some issues that have come up and that''s why you''re questioning this now. Can you elaborate on this at all? I ask not to be nosey but really, to me that part of your post stood out and I''m wondering what you''re really questioning. It''s impossible to really answer your question without knowing what he''s done/doing that is sending a red flag up for you.