Dress Secrecy - how do you deal?

[Independent Gal]

For some reason, keeping the whole dress search secret from FI has really been stressing me out. Being vague and secretive about my plans... where I''m going... who I''m talking to on the phone... Usually I insinuate that it''s dress related, but it still feels weird and gross! We share a closet (I only have two and one is for coats) so I''m trying to keep him from even knowing it (and soon they) are in the closet. My first dress is in an unmarked bag stuffed in with all my other dress bags. I just hope he doesn''t find it by mistake.

And then, it''s also weird not just asking him ''So, what do you think of this on me?'' I''ve shown him lots of pics, and have a sense of what he likes. But still. I mean, we are now making every other decision together. This one felt like such a big one, that I wish I could have just asked him for help and advice.

Anyone else feel this way?

I''ll just be glad if we never have another secret between us. Even a nice one.

Oh, and it''s HIM that really ''doesn''t want to know''.

 

[oshinbreez]

I think that it is special for the groom to see you in your dress for the first time when you''re walking down the aisle. There is only one time where you will get to see that "first look" surprise on his face. What could be more special than having it on your wedding day?

 

[Independent Gal]

Yeah, I know I know.

I do get that, and that's what HE says about it. It's just that there's also a lot of pressure because my going-out-outfits in general are kind of wild / fabulous / fashionista-ish - a few times we've ended up having our picture published after charity fundraisers because of my wild outfits. And he looooves it that my taste is so kooky and exciting. So part of me is worried he'll be expecting something even more WOW than usual, and he's just not going to get it, cause I just can't afford it. He'll be expected something Pnina Tornai-ish or some crazy Versace number. Or FEATHERS! So I guess part of it is I'm worried his hopes are up, and I'm just going to look hot-ish and not 'HOLY SHMO!' So if he could just see the dresses now, he won't be disappointed on our wedding day.

 

[E B]

It was a pretty big PITA to keep my dress a secret, but I''m glad I did. The look on his face when he saw me in the full get-up was priceless (though I''m sure it would have been priceless either way) and he kept telling me how beautiful I looked and how perfect my dress was all night. Aww.

As for your situation, it''s good that he doesn''t want to know so he won''t go peeking into dress bags. Just put your Stephen Yearick in the closet with dress #2 without saying a word about it, and he might not even notice.

 

[Independent Gal]

That's my plan exactly. When the Yearick comes home, post alterations, I'm going to get a plain black bag for it, just like all the other black bags in our closet, and just hang it quietly among the others. I don't think he's noticed that the Nicole Miller's been in there for the last two months.

I'm a little worried about the little beaded train getting all mucked up. I hope I can get a dress bag that's long enough.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 10/11/2007 3:14:53 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Yeah, I know I know.

I do get that, and that''s what HE says about it. It''s just that there''s also a lot of pressure because my going-out-outfits in general are kind of wild / fabulous / fashionista-ish - a few times we''ve ended up having our picture published after charity fundraisers because of my wild outfits. And he looooves it that my taste is so kooky and exciting. So part of me is worried he''ll be expecting something even more WOW than usual, and he''s just not going to get it, cause I just can''t afford it. He''ll be expected something Pnina Tornai-ish or some crazy Versace number. Or FEATHERS! So I guess part of it is I''m worried his hopes are up, and I''m just going to look hot-ish and not ''HOLY SHMO!'' So if he could just see the dresses now, he won''t be disappointed on our wedding day.

Believe me, he WON''T be disappointed on your wedding day. No matter what you wear.

 

[Pandora II]

I showed FI loads of pics I saw in magazines and he hated all of them.

Finally I asked him what he imagined me in. He managed to describe the dress I dreamed of when I was little. I''d been thinking I''d go for something grown-up and sophisticated, but he said I have plenty of evening dresses like that and I should have fun and wear something I''d never be able to get away with again.

So I have been designing my own - and he has seen every step of the design process. However, I can guarantee that things will change once the dressmaker and I get going on it and from that point on he will see nothing.

Well, that''s the plan anyway - I''m not very good at keeping things secret from him!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Oshin! I know you're right. I could be wearing a paper bag and he'd be all 'WOW!' because he really, truly loves me from the bottom of his heart and with his whole soul. I feel so blessed that my man is even more impatient than me for us to be married. He snuggles me every day when I come home - makeup all smudged, hair messy, in boring work clothes - and says 'I'm so happy that you're home! How do I deserve such a wife as you?' And he's seen me sick, and dishevelled and at my worst and still tells me I'm beautiful when I look like junk. So, how bad could it be on my wedding day? I'm just winding myself up.

I need to C.H.I.L.L. O.U.T!

ETA: I just realized that if I wear a paper bag, he'll probably assume it's something wildly couture like Jean-Paul Gaulthier or something.

 

[Independent Gal]

pandora I really know what your FI means about wearing something you''ll never get away with again. I kept thinking, e.g., ''Now''s my only chance to wear CRAZY amounts of tulle!'' And then I shake my head and snap out of it. I don''t think I personally can get away with it even now.

Plus, my friends will be all ''Where did you hide the real Indy?!?!''

 

[NewEnglandLady]

My FI was the same way, he didn''t want to see ANYTHING even related to the dress. Not even the box for fear that it would give away any detail of the dress. Or the shoe box, even!

And it was COMPLETELY worth it. When I walked down the aisle, he was stunned. And afterwards he kept looking at it. Not that I''m not always stunning!

It''s been two weeks since the wedding and this morning when he woke up he said "you looked so beautiful in your wedding dress", so it''s obviously made an impression. And he didn''t even think he LIKED wedding dresses!

No matter what you wear, IG, he''s going to go gaga. You''re going to look amazing!

 

[luckystar112]

I''m DYING to show FI. For a while I showed him every dress I tried on, but he eventually made me stop. It sucks because his opinion matters the most (besides your own) and you can''t even get it from him!

 

[oshinbreez]

Neither my son nor son in law saw their brides dresses before the ceremony. When the girls came down the aisle, I had my eyes glued to the groom. That first look that each of them had in their own weddings was something that I will never forget.

 

[E B]

Date: 10/11/2007 3:14:53 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Yeah, I know I know.

I do get that, and that''s what HE says about it. It''s just that there''s also a lot of pressure because my going-out-outfits in general are kind of wild / fabulous / fashionista-ish - a few times we''ve ended up having our picture published after charity fundraisers because of my wild outfits. And he looooves it that my taste is so kooky and exciting. So part of me is worried he''ll be expecting something even more WOW than usual, and he''s just not going to get it, cause I just can''t afford it. He''ll be expected something Pnina Tornai-ish or some crazy Versace number. Or FEATHERS! So I guess part of it is I''m worried his hopes are up, and I''m just going to look hot-ish and not ''HOLY SHMO!'' So if he could just see the dresses now, he won''t be disappointed on our wedding day.

I think both of your dresses are uniquely fabulous, and if they aren''t as wild as your normal going-out-outfits, you can always wild-''em-up with accessories (veil, shoes, bouquet, jewelry). But I echo everyone else: he''s going to love you in whatever you choose!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I feel horrible to say this but I am 100% sure my DH didn''t CARE at all. He never asked. Never suggested. It was never an issue. He was a show up groom

But I will say his face was priceless when he saw me for the first time. He loved how I looked and it was such a special moment.

 

[Pandora II]

Indy, I think that what men like to see you in for parties and what they like to see you in on your wedding day are normally quite different. I''m sure he won''t feel disappointed in anyway at all!

When I told my mother what FI had said, she laughed and said that she thought a lot of men have this idea of what their bride will look like firmly imprinted in their brains from small children and find it hard to step back from that.

I was convinced FI would like some uber-sexy number, as that is what he likes me to look like when we go out. But no- his ideas were much more meringue-like!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I feel no need for secrecy. My Fi is always with me when I dress shop and I don''t think that is a problem. A size 10 dress that''s clamped to my 5''2, size zero body isn''t exactly going to ruin what the dress is going to look like when it fits on the wedding day.
So what if he sees the dress not on you? Wedding dresses look very different hanging up then when they were on the body. Plus, there is a very different look from wearing the dress in the store to having it on at the venue, with the hair perfect, the make-up flawless, the right jewelry and shoes and the veil or tiara.
My FI wants to be suprised on our wedding day and he will because on the isle is very different then in the store. Its like avioding looking at a piece of cloth so you don''t ruin the suprise of what the final piece of clothing will look like. That''s how my cousin did it and his face shone with all the love and amazement as if he had never seen the dress. He also liked that he was part of picking something so important to the wedding and his wife.
I am not saying it should be done this way, just that you don''t have to lose any of the wow value through it.

 

[Kaleigh]

I got married in ''86. I asked my FI ( Now hubby ) what his thoughts were as far as dresses were concerned. He said please no big puffy sleaves, which was all the rage back then. He never saw me in the dress beforehand, and I am glad he didn''t. Seeing the look on his face when I walked down the aisle was priceless. He loved the dress I chose. It was a classic and elegant design.
So keeping it a secret worked for me, but loved having his input as to what he didn''t love.

 

[wolftress]

I understand what you''re feeling, Indy. I''m originally from Singapore, and over there the dress isn''t a secret at all. In fact, a lot of women go wedding dress shopping with their FIs and they have their photography session done way before the wedding so the groom gets to see the dress before the day anyway.

I got very frustrated at DH because he was insistent that he didn''t see my dress and didn''t want to contribute any opinions about dresses I liked in case I ended up picking one he had seen in a picture. He''s a little superstitious like that

However, I never did have to hide the fact that I was dress shopping from him.

I remember trying to print photos of dresses I was short-listing and couldn''t get the printer to work properly. DH had to come into the study and fix the printer with his eyes closed

After I bought my dress, I kept it in a garment bag in his wardrobe because I didn''t have enough room in mine! He knew it was there and was never curious enough to open it.

I think it all paid of in the end when he saw me walk down the aisle in my dress for the first time. He actually got very teary and had the sweetest, soppiest expression on his face

 

[Elmorton]

I hated being secretive, too...for all the reasons you''ve said (P.S., Indy, I wish I''d been on this board when I was a BIW...your posts so often echo the way I felt before our wedding! Several of the wedding "traditions" really bugged me because they were so different than the values we place on our relationship/marriage). So, while I pretended to be a part of the "Oh my gosh, he can''t see the dress!" hype in the bridal salon and at the florist, etc, I was really obvious and put photos in our wedding binder -- which DH "accidently" saw several times since he was very much a part of the wedding planning. He saw me after my trial hair and makeup, too. We had conversations about whether to cut the dress off or not (I went tea-length, something I originally said I wanted, and he thought it was a cool idea...then he talked me into making the final decision when I started to balk). So technically, he had a pretty clear idea of what I was going to look like and was even sort-of a part of my dress choice. Really, I think that seeing the dress on the hanger, seeing photos from the badly-lit salon, and seeing the bridal hair ''do (sans veil) is not equal to seeing what the bride will look like on her wedding day. IMO, I was freakin radiant, and none of my pictures in the dress prior to the wedding looked like what I looked like the day of - THAT radiant-because-you''re-a-bride thing is what the surprise is all about, not necessarily the clothes. DH would be the first to tell you that he''d never seen me look so beautiful, and he was surprised by how it all looked, even though he had an inkling of an idea about what I''d be wearing. In all honesty, I don''t think it matters at all, and the tradition is a little goofy (after all, I have a feeling you know what he''s wearing, eh?).

 

[Gwyn]

I know how you feel.

I couldnt keep my dress a secret. I never really thought about it much until I told people that I showed FI a picture of the dress. Everyone was completely shocked and like OMG you have to get another dress he cant know anything about it.

I want to look good and love my dress but I want to be sure he likes it too, hes the one im dressing for lol.

 

[StarSpun]

Date: 10/11/2007 9:50:19 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I feel no need for secrecy. My Fi is always with me when I dress shop and I don''t think that is a problem. A size 10 dress that''s clamped to my 5''2, size zero body isn''t exactly going to ruin what the dress is going to look like when it fits on the wedding day.

So what if he sees the dress not on you? Wedding dresses look very different hanging up then when they were on the body. Plus, there is a very different look from wearing the dress in the store to having it on at the venue, with the hair perfect, the make-up flawless, the right jewelry and shoes and the veil or tiara.

My FI wants to be suprised on our wedding day and he will because on the isle is very different then in the store. Its like avioding looking at a piece of cloth so you don''t ruin the suprise of what the final piece of clothing will look like. That''s how my cousin did it and his face shone with all the love and amazement as if he had never seen the dress. He also liked that he was part of picking something so important to the wedding and his wife.

I am not saying it should be done this way, just that you don''t have to lose any of the wow value through it.

I totally agree with you here! My FI and I never do anything apart (we really are BEST friends!), and he was the only one with me when we were dress shopping. I value his input over everyone, he has great taste what can I say!

Actually, it''s kinda scary....he even is really enjoying picking colors, flowers, hair, etc with me....it''s one of the many wonderful things about him! Anyhoo I know the ''final product'' will be much better than the ''time I tried it on in the shop''. It''s different in a perfect location with hair and makeup done, accessories, etc. It''s really all about the moment....it''s all about perspective

 

[Haven]

I called FI the minute I found the dress in the store to tell him I found the dress. Then I had him come over to my place that night so I could show him a picture of the dress on a model. It was just something I had to do.

I was with my mom, her best friend who I call my "second mom" and second mom''s daughter who is one of my bridesmaids, and they called my dad to come over and see it, too. FI hasn''t seen ME in the dress or any pictures of ME in the dress, but it was something I couldn''t help but share with him. I was just so excited!

And I''m sure he''ll still have a "priceless" look on his face when I come down the aisle.

 

[zoebartlett]

Every once in a while I tease my FI, asking him if he''d like to see my dress. He doesn''t seem interested -- all he says is that he''ll see it when he''s SUPPOSED to see it. Then he changes the subject.

 

[surfgirl]

I dont think its a big deal either way if the guy sees the dress or doesn't see the dress. For me though, I didn't want him to see the dress, on a hangar or otherwise, because we'd never discussed what I'd be wearing to our elopement and I wanted it to be a total surprise, even though we'd be taking photos before our ceremony. And I also was going to fittings and not telling him what I was doing, only that it was "top secret wedding stuff" and he got sort of bugged because he couldn't figure out where I kept disappearing to and finally I just said, "I'm going to do stuff related to my dress that I'm wearing for the wedding" and he said, "oh." and that was that.

In the end, I had to hang up this giant white garment bag off of a hook on my bookshelf in my office so of course he saw it and asked what it was and I said "it's what I'm wearing when I marry you." He never asked to see it and never peaked. Most men dont care that much about the dress. In the end, he kept making fun of it saying "be CAREFUL of THE DRESS!" when we were walking through the airports and getting into our rental car, etc. But I know he was surprised when he saw me. I'm quite certain he never thought about whether or not I was going to wear a veil or not, stuff like that just isn't on the minds of most guys...in fact I think they'd have their man card taken away if they pondered such thoughts. So all this is to say, just put your dresses in a garment bag, hang them up and be done with it.

 

[basil]

I ran around in circles trying to figure out what my fiance liked in terms of a dress. We sat down with bridal magazines. I did "which do you like better?" comparisons for weeks. I tried to figure out what he would like to see me in without giving away the exact dress I was most interested in.

So he''s not big on sequins and poof and anything too nontraditional. But he just kept saying "whatever you want, sweetie, I want you to get the dress you like the most. I''ll think you''re beautiful, I promise".

After a while, I started to listen. After he referred to a denim miniskirt as a "nice dress" I decided that trying to figure out whether he preferred alencon or chantilly lace was like asking me whether I would rather watch football or baseball.

I''m keeping it a secret from him for tradition''s sake and all, but if he was really all that curious, I''d show him. I could have taken him dress shopping, but he''d be no help! I''m 100% sure that he''ll be happy with what I choose, though.

 

[anchor31]

If it wasn''t for my mom flipping out about it, FI would have taken me to Toronto (8 hours away!) to go shopping (I still can''t believe I gave in! I mean, the big TO! High end stores! The only David''s Bridal retailer in the country!

). Still, he knows I absolutely want a white dress with colour on it, since at the bridal fair I asked every dress vendor if they had some with colour! FI found that pretty funny.

I watched ''Say Yes to the Dress'' on Friday and it opened a discussion about dresses with FI the next morning. He said he loves the fact that I want to go with colour because it gives personality to the dress. He also said he doesn''t like frills, tulle or pick-ups (I already knew because we''d looked at magasines together; those would have been too formal for our wedding anyway), so I definitely can''t go wrong with my dress (in white/blue pastel)!

Then on Saturday evening we had dinner with my parents and my grandmother for my mom''s birthday. My mother is so psyched on the secret thing she doesn''t want anyone but herself, my grandmother and my two BMs to see my dress before the wedding and wants to hide it in my grandmother''s closet in OTTAWA (2 hours away) until the fittings in July... I want to put it in my dad''s closet in my parents'' room; I know nobody will snoop there but me, and I would be able to snoop!

So my mom asked me about the show and I said I was kind of disappointed that they didn''t have dresses with colour. She goes on her "don''t say too much you''ll ruin the surprise" speech and I start laughing and told her about the bridal fair. Plus, he kinda has to know the colours so he and the boys can match me and the ladies... She saw reason about that, at least.

Anyway, yes I do hate this secrecy thing. I''m sure it would be a special moment the first time we''ll see each other no matter what. Still, I do want to let my mother have some of her fun, since I will probably be her only daughter to marry (my sister is not religious, does not believe in the institution of marriage and has no legal insentive to marry since common law here is exactly the same).

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, at least FI has seen my veil because I was sitting beside him when I made it. (Oh yeah, and I decorated it this weekend... will post pics soon!) but then I''m not sure if I''m going to wear the veil. It was just fun to make!

Basil Funny, but with FI and I, I''m the one with strong opinions about baseball v. football (BASEBALL!!!! YAH!). FI probably still isn''t quite sure what football is in America! He has strong opinions about just about everything wedding related though. I was surprised at how opinionated he was about wedding stuff. NOT this invitation DEFINITELY that one. NOT this dress. NOT that font. NOT those flowers, but THESE are nice. NOT that venue. THIS venue.

Wow! So how come HE''S not doing more of the damn planning? Most of the time, he seems to care more than I do!