Emotional Breakdown! (Kind of Long!)

[vivosogno]

Hi Ladies,
I haven''t posted much but today I feel like I''m getting ready to have a breakdown. I''ve sort of posted on and off but I usually come on here when I need to vent. I''ve now been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We are both 24, almost 25 years old. I''m so frustrated. He promised me that we would be engaged by the end of this year but no progress has been maade. We were working with Whiteflash and had picked out a diamond and custom made setting but I know that neither have been purchased because I can go online and see the diamond is still for sale. I have posted several other posts similar to this and everyone tells me to be patient but its so hard! I get so angry and jealous when I see people on here that have been together for 2-3 years complaining that they are not engaged -- I''ve been waiting 7!!!!!!!!! I have told him that I am going to move out at the end of the year if we are not engaged. I am ready for a commitment!

He also just left his job and does not have a new one currently lined up and that is frustrating also! I know he hasn''t really been looking and he has been sleeping in late. Whenever I ask him about it he gets upset and says that he is looking and will work it out. I''ve never been without a job and it pisses me off to no end to come home and have him sleeping when he could be working. I think he is holding out for a "dream job" but I told him that sometimes you need to just make money and look for your "dream job" in the mean time.

If I bring up marriage he will talk about it but he has never really brought it up on his own. Like he has never said, "Oh, I can''t wait to marry you" its always me that has to bring it up first. He says that he wants to marry me but sometimes I feel like his actions don''t mean it. I just can''t take this anymore!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 8/31/2006 2:33:55 PM
Author:vivosogno
Hi Ladies,
I haven''t posted much but today I feel like I''m getting ready to have a breakdown. I''ve sort of posted on and off but I usually come on here when I need to vent. I''ve now been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We are both 24, almost 25 years old. I''m so frustrated. He promised me that we would be engaged by the end of this year but no progress has been maade. We were working with Whiteflash and had picked out a diamond and custom made setting but I know that neither have been purchased because I can go online and see the diamond is still for sale. I have posted several other posts similar to this and everyone tells me to be patient but its so hard! I get so angry and jealous when I see people on here that have been together for 2-3 years complaining that they are not engaged -- I''ve been waiting 7!!!!!!!!! I have told him that I am going to move out at the end of the year if we are not engaged. I am ready for a commitment!

He also just left his job and does not have a new one currently lined up and that is frustrating also! I know he hasn''t really been looking and he has been sleeping in late. Whenever I ask him about it he gets upset and says that he is looking and will work it out. I''ve never been without a job and it pisses me off to no end to come home and have him sleeping when he could be working. I think he is holding out for a ''dream job'' but I told him that sometimes you need to just make money and look for your ''dream job'' in the mean time.

If I bring up marriage he will talk about it but he has never really brought it up on his own. Like he has never said, ''Oh, I can''t wait to marry you'' its always me that has to bring it up first. He says that he wants to marry me but sometimes I feel like his actions don''t mean it. I just can''t take this anymore!

I completely understand - you''ve waited a very long time for the proposal, and it''s frightening to think that the preparations have stopped. There are a lot of women here who have waited longer, and that was simpley because they started dating earlier. My husband and I dated for 4 years, but we were 23/26 when we started dating, so age can sometimes play a big role in the complaint of "It''s taking too long". I was on the LIW list for nearly 2 years, and the BIW list for 3 weeks.

However, do not fear. My husband worked with Whiteflash, and had purchased the stone back in January. I had the ring on my hand in February, we got married in March, and the stone would STILL show up on random sites for about 4 months after the wedding! I looked today, and it''s finally gone, but I wouldn''t worry if that''s a big concern.

What worries me is his lack of motivation in finding another job. If he''s financially secure, that''s one thing, but if he''s relying on you financially, that''s completely another - and worth being upset about. Relationships always go through rough patches, but if you can''t communicate about something that is this significant to you, and he is aware of your ultimatum, you can''t eliminate the possibility that perhaps he really just isn''t ready yet, and doesn''t know how to tell you. My husband was nowhere near ready for marriage at 24, but something happened to him at 26/27, and we were engaged, and married 3 weeks later.

Every relationship is different, and you have to decide upon your threshold of what is right for you, and when enough is enough already. The best way to approach this is to voice your concerns in as non-confrontational a way as possible, and stay completely calm when talking to him.

Best of luck to you!

 

[vivosogno]

Thank you, LaurenThe Partier. I apprecite your comment. I know he has not purchased the diamond also because we have a joint checking account. No, he is not financially dependant on me because he has saving but its still annoying that he is not looking for a job. I do communicate with him on a regular basis about my worries and fear. We do live together so I see him every evening and we have dinner together and talk every night before bed. I just feel like I could wait 2-3 more years if that''s what he needs. I''ve already told him its the end of the year or I''m gone. I think sometimes people wait to long hoping it will happen and then by the time they realize its not going to they are much older than they wanted to be.

 

[bobacha]

just hang in there girl..
We''ve all been there.

I think our situation is very similar. My fiance & I are 25 ( 26 this year ). We''ve also been together for almost 7 years. We just got engaged about 4 weeks ago.

End of last year we decided to get engaged THIS YEAR. That''s a long time frame.
I joined PS in January... around the same time as you..

I was frustrated at one point too because I was so obsessed with finding the perfect stone and setting. I logged on to PS everynight (and day

) I forwarded a lot of pictures of rings and diamond specs to him. He was responding, but he''s not as excited. Yes, it''s always me who brought it up first too! I actually asked him about this, how come he''s never the one who started the talk. Well it''s because I brought it up so often that he just didn''t have a chance to

.. maybe this is the same case with you too ?

After more discussion, we narrowed down the timeline to Summer this year.

by end of April, we had finalized all the decisions ( budget, specs 4C, setting details, etc)... and he still did not make the purchase. It wasn''t that long.. but enough to get me frustrated again. So I just directly asked him what''s the holdup. He said well he still had plenty of time till the end of summer.

So after more talk, we decided July is it ! That''s the thing that got him moving.
He started contacting JamesAllen in June - I wasn''t really involved in the buying process. He got the ring early July ( right on the deadline! )

I''m sure you''re in a relationship where you can talk to him about everything and anything.. so just tell him what you''re feeling right now !

Best of luck to you.

 

[ephemery1]

Hi Vivo,

It sounds like you are extremely frustrated right now, and probably for good reason. I would be upset by the job thing too... I know everyone does things in their own time, but I''m a very pro-active person with those kinds of things, and I sometimes find it hard to understand the perspective of people who aren''t. If you are similar, it would be really hard to sit by and watch him lay on the couch, without being able to inspire him to take active control over his own career.

As for getting angry and jealous of people who have been with their boyfriends 2-3 years and are hoping for engagement, I used to feel that way too about people who''d only been with their boyfriends for a year or so. But what bothered me the most was people who were in their early 20s and complaining about it... I kept thinking "what''s THEIR hurry??"... so think of it this way, even though you feel it is well past time, you might be driving somebody ELSE crazy by being only 24 and getting upset about it.

My point is just that we all come from different perspectives on the whole engagement topic, but we also all understand that helpless feeling of having our own future lie in somebody else''s hands (ugh... that feeling still make me mad

). You are allowed to feel angry and jealous... it is perfectly okay. But try to remind yourself that every situation is unique... and yours WILL work out the way it is supposed to. Hopefully your BF understands that you will move out by the end of the year, and it''s not just an idle threat. If it comes to that, you have to be prepared to actually make the move... and maybe that will be enough to inspire him to start thinking along the lines of marriage the way you already are.

 

[fire&ice]

Is he contributing to your joint checking account? How long has he been out of a job? Why did he leave his old one?

 

[allycat0303]

I really, really think that you shouldn''t focus on getting engaged right now, and more on why he isn''t looking for a job. If my boyfriend had left his job, and wasn''t working, the LAST thing I would be thinking about is a ring. For me anyways, I think being able to support me, or at least bring something to the financial table is an essential requirement in a future husband. A lot of this situation depends on how long he has been without a job, is it 1 week, or 1 month? Or 3 months? He should be actively looking for something because jobs do not fall in your lap. Is he depressed? Lazy? Burnt out? I think you need to talk to him (calmly) about this situation. Once this problem is solved, you can focus on your future.

 

[vivosogno]

hi ladies. thank you for all your comments. to answer some of them. yes, he is contributing to our joint account, he has only been out of work for about 1 week.