Engagement and Family

[Chewbacca]

Ravenne's thread about her cousin's engagement got me thinking about getting engaged/married at the same time as family members.

How do you feel about becoming engaged during your siblings/his siblings/cousins etc engagement period? Is it a no-no in your family? Would you postpone your own engagement if someone close to you announced their own? Do you feel like each couple deserves their own 'time', or do you think the more the merrier?

I asked two friends on gmail chat just now, and their opinions were complete opposites. Aside from personal opinion, I think family opinion comes into play here.

For me - I think ~logically~ speaking, it'd be nice for each sibling to have their own time, or at least a good few months of special extra 'attention' if its possible. My SO's brother checked with SO re: his plans before he proposed to his GF. I guess out of politeness because we are older, and had been dating longer. I'm not sure what would have happened if my SO had been planning on it that year.. his now SIL is very headstrong, I fear there may have been a show down!

Or is this entire topic.. insane?

 

[MBKRH]

Hmmm. I don't think it would matter. My younger sister, and two older step-sisters are already married (it'll be 10 years for little sis next February! ). The third step-sister (who's two years my junior) would be the only concern. She's been dating her bf forever it feels like. She'll probably get engaged before me.
I don't have many cousins, but the ones around my age are already married, and the single ones are all under 22. So........... safe to say, I have a pretty wide window of becoming engaged without it conflicting with anyone else's special moment.

FWIW, I agree with you, Chewbacca. I think every sibling should have their own time. I would be crushed if someone got engaged shortly after me, and I'd feel terrible if I stole someone's moment if they are recently engaged.

 

[madelise]

I would never expect anyone else to postpone their union, a very very sacred to-the-couple, and legal process, and I sure as heck won't postpone mine for someone else!

Why can't two people both be engaged at the same time? Is there a threat of comparing whose ring is better, or whose wedding is better? What's the whole talk about "taking their attention"? What attention? I thought engagements and weddings were about the couple being ready to move forward with their relationship, and not about the (petty) emotions others might have? What if you're at the age where everyone's getting engaged and married? If you wait out for a "diplomatic" timeframe, you might need to wait forever!

I love me some of my LIWs just like I love me some of my good girlfriends. I want them happy. I want me happy. Either's situation should not affect the other.

 

[madelise]

I'll add that I am a bridesmaid for a really good girlfriend of mine, who will be getting married the same weekend I originally wanted. I moved my date because I'm not yet "announced" as being "officially engaged". Am I unhappy? Not in the least! SO and I just looked at a calendar and moved the date to another feasible weekend!

I will be a BEAMING bridesmaid for her and her FI's love. Just like I am sure she will be beaming at my own wedding. In fact, we're loving that we can share "wedding talk" together! She dragged me in to try on dresses at the place where she got her dress from. I dragged her out to a possible bridal shower venue. It's actually really, really nice to share the girly aspects of engagement and wedding with someone

 

[Chewbacca]

The attention thing? It does sounds petty right! Eeek. For me it is case by case. Hypothetically, if we had announced our engagement during SO's little brothers engagement - I think that would have gone down like a tonne of bricks with SIL! Ha ha! I also think that his parents might have been a bit overwhelmed (they are very sweet, and were a big ball of nerves about the big day!).

On the other hand I have two close friends who are sisters. One got engaged the night after the others Hen's Night, and then the weddings were three months apart. And it was GREAT and EXCITING and all of those good things. It was like this: !!

I think its allllll relative! I don't mind giving a couple months berth between engagements or marriages with our siblings (so long as that works with our situation at the time of course!). Cousins, friends etc, I'd overlap to my hearts content! Feels different somehow.

 

[BeautyQueen]

I can honestly say i wouldn't postpone my engagement for anyone lol Or be worried of the after math , so what you go engaged around the same time? The more the merrier..... Although i also only have a brother ... maybe if i had a sister it would be different.

 

[princesss]

In my family there is a group of 4 cousins spaced out about 6 months apart. I'm the oldest, then there's C who is 6 months younger than me, J who is 6 months younger than C, and N who is 6 months younger than J. N has been married for a few years now, and about a year ago, C got engaged. It was a Sunday, I think. J got engaged Monday.

I haven't lived near my cousins in years and had no idea how it was going to work out, but I loved seeing C's post congratulating J and saying how excited she was to share such a special time with her cousin. They are grinning ear to ear in each other's shower pictures and family get togethers.

I would think I'd handle it the same way - how exciting to have somebody to talk to who you know well and who is in the same situation. How nice to have somebody to be able to call who won't be as weddinged out, and will want to talk about details (or, conversely, to gripe with when you want to forget the wedding for a while and everybody keeps asking you about it!).

 

[gem_anemone]

My husband's sister got engaged two weeks after we bought our ering. She had already seen our ring and knew we were about to be engaged. I am not sure what went on with her and her boyfriend at that time; if they had already been planning on it or what. Needless to say I was happy for her, but also annoyed because of what people would think about us getting engaged right after. We ended up getting engaged about two months after them, but it felt like an eternity to me. I don't know if my husband waited so long because of their engagement or what. However, no one (but me ) seemed to care that siblings were engaged within the same time frame.

Admittedly, I was beyond annoyed at their timing. I was actually really ticked off. We are older (I am ten years older than her!), had been dating longer, already owned our own house, while they were still living at her boyfriend's parents house. I realize that all relationships go at different speeds, but go figure that our special time was shared with other family members. We're married now and they are planning for next year. I still think they could have (should have?) waited to get engaged since they knew we were doing it...

I thought these feelings would go away after a while now that I'm married and all, but they didn't. Haha.

 

[audball]

I have to agree with madelise and princesss...it should be about the two of you and not what other people in your family are doing. There is no way in hell I'd willingly put off my own engagement because somebody else got engaged recently. I'd be happy as a clam to be engaged at the same time as someone else, even if it was my sister! Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

I do sort of get how you wouldn't necessarily want them like the same weekend or something because that could look like the couple that got engaged second got engaged because of the first couple...but you and your close loved ones would know that isn't true when it came down to it.

This situation could very well be reality for me over the next year or so. My older sister and her boyfriend started dating about 2 months before Andrew and I. Her boyfriend is a few months younger than Andrew and I, and my sister is 16 months older than me. We're all pretty close in age, have been dating about the same length of time, and both moved in together with our SO's after 1 year of dating. Time will tell...my little sister (who is married and has a 2 year old) has bets that Andrew and I will be first, and if I had to guess, I'd agree with her. I'm done with school, Andrew graduates in December, we already have the ring. My sister is done with school, but her BF is only about half way done. He lived with his parents up until moving in with her so he hasn't really had that period of independence yet. We shall see. It hurts me to see my sister wanting it so bad and knowing it likely isn't coming super soon. I know she'll be somewhat hurt if I get engaged before her, but I won't postpone this step in our relationship because she isn't there yet.

 

[Ravenne]

I have a feeling that J and I will get engaged very close to my cousin's wedding. He said that they're looking to get married in about 6 months or a year from now. J and I are planning on getting engaged next spring/summer when he graduates with his BA. I do hope that their wedding is early enough that our engagement is far enough behind it that my family isn't burned out on weddings and they just think "Okay, time to marry off the last one" and that they're actually excited about my engagement as well.

But I wouldn't put off my engagement because of that. Their relationship doesn't affect mine except that I'll have to attend both weddings. LOL. And I can't imagine either of them being upset about some rather close timing.

Now, J's sister... yeah, that would be a disaster if we were to "steal her thunder" in any way. I like the girl, but she's a bit self-absorbed. As long as you're focused on her, she's perfectly nice. But she's currently single and it looks like school will be keeping her busy for a while. I think when she does find someone, she'll be able to have the spotlight on her and all of us will be happy to oblige. Haha!

 

[CaprineSun]

For a lot of people, the engagement is a surprise. I have no idea when my proposal will be, so how can I postpone something I have no idea is coming? And, am I going to tell my SO to postpone whatever plans he may have every time a friend or cousin becomes engaged? No. I would not have known how much time & effort & planning he may have put in for the perfect proposal. I would drive him nuts if I did that. It also would be inconsiderate of me to rob my SO of this experience.

I think the proposal is personal to each couple. No one should get mad at the other for when they choose to move on to the most important phase of their respective relationships. Now, weddings, they can get a little more murky.

 

[madelise]

It also would be inconsiderate of me to rob my SO of this experience.

 

[audball]

It also would be inconsiderate of me to rob my SO of this experience.

Very good point CS. We as PSers tend to be over involved in the ring selection process as is, but to dictate the timing etc afterwards? Extreme.

 

[pandabee]

For a lot of people, the engagement is a surprise. I have no idea when my proposal will be, so how can I postpone something I have no idea is coming? And, am I going to tell my SO to postpone whatever plans he may have every time a friend or cousin becomes engaged? No. I would not have known how much time & effort & planning he may have put in for the perfect proposal. I would drive him nuts if I did that. It also would be inconsiderate of me to rob my SO of this experience.

I think the proposal is personal to each couple. No one should get mad at the other for when they choose to move on to the most important phase of their respective relationships. Now, weddings, they can get a little more murky.

so very well spoken!! the engagement shouldn't be that big of a deal to "overlap" with another friend's or acquaintances...heck even the wedding really shouldn't matter. but in the end, it's all just about a celebration of each other's love and you want your friends and family to be there so the only real reason to move stuff around on a wedding that makes sense to me would be for convenience sake (for the couple themselves, obviously) or so that those who you want to be in attendance are able to make it if they have more limited availability.

 

[audball]

so very well spoken!! the engagement shouldn't be that big of a deal to "overlap" with another friend's or acquaintances...heck even the wedding really shouldn't matter. but in the end, it's all just about a celebration of each other's love and you want your friends and family to be there so the only real reason to move stuff around on a wedding that makes sense to me would be for convenience sake (for the couple themselves, obviously) or so that those who you want to be in attendance are able to make it if they have more limited availability.

Agreed. I get the logistics of not wanting weddings just a few weeks or days apart, especially for out of town family that may have to drive far or fly in, but other than that courtesy, I wouldn't change my plans because of someone else's engagement.