Engagement''s off...who gets the ring?

[TravelingGal]

Article today on CNN...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/01/07/diamond.not.forever/index.html

 

[MissErin]

TGAL - Interesting article. I never realized each state, for the most part, had documents in honor of such a matter. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that California was one of the states already documented on this affair. My thoughts about it were always ask the man if he wants it back but if he refuses then it belongs to the woman. If it is more of a debate, then I would hope the ex couple could work it out in a civil matter rather then incorperating the court system. I guess you just never know in the end. Thanks again for sharing this article.

 

[sandia_rose]

My ex had the gall to ask for my engagement ring and wedding band in his property request list in our divorce! Legally, my attorney said that I could keep them, as they are considered gifts. However, I gave them back to him. My attorney thought I was nuts....he told me to sell them and buy something else with them.....until I told him that the reason for the request was out of spite. The rings were not family heirlooms, so there was no sentimental value to them. My ex apparently thought that he could sell them and get back what he paid (which is rarely possible unless you have something extraordinary). I certainly didn''t want to keep them or anything else reminiscent of him around....

Here is the funny part of it - funny in the sense that you can''t make this stuff up: My engagement ring was an artisan-made setting with a champagne diamond. Very unique and identifyable. My ex is engaged again....and his fiancee is wearing my ring! The same exact ring that I wore for 4 years of marriage!! I kid you not!! The only reason I know is that she happened to be with my ex when we exchanged our son for visitation. I was lady enough not to say anything out loud to her (it''s not her fault that my ex couldn''t even buy her her own ring) and hid my shock at seeing my ring on her....but did make mention of it to my ex offline. I didn''t tell him so...but it would be interesting if he or his relatives kept our wedding photos....in which my ring is clearly visible. Can you picture the "Uh oh!" moment that would ensue there?

I have heard of men recycling engagement rings that were never worn. And it''s perfectly OK to use your grandmother''s or other relative''s ring. But giving your fiancee your ex-wife''s EXACT SAME ring?! Has anyone ever heard of this???!!

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[marvel]

Date: 1/7/2008 12:52:01 PM
Author: sandia_rose
Has anyone ever heard of this???!!

Bridget in Connecticut.

Yeah, it''s called TACKY!!

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/7/2008 12:52:01 PM
Author: sandia_rose
My ex had the gall to ask for my engagement ring and wedding band in his property request list in our divorce! Legally, my attorney said that I could keep them, as they are considered gifts. However, I gave them back to him. My attorney thought I was nuts....he told me to sell them and buy something else with them.....until I told him that the reason for the request was out of spite. The rings were not family heirlooms, so there was no sentimental value to them. My ex apparently thought that he could sell them and get back what he paid (which is rarely possible unless you have something extraordinary). I certainly didn''t want to keep them or anything else reminiscent of him around....

Here is the funny part of it - funny in the sense that you can''t make this stuff up: My engagement ring was an artisan-made setting with a champagne diamond. Very unique and identifyable. My ex is engaged again....and his fiancee is wearing my ring! The same exact ring that I wore for 4 years of marriage!! I kid you not!! The only reason I know is that she happened to be with my ex when we exchanged our son for visitation. I was lady enough not to say anything out loud to her (it''s not her fault that my ex couldn''t even buy her her own ring) and hid my shock at seeing my ring on her....but did make mention of it to my ex offline. I didn''t tell him so...but it would be interesting if he or his relatives kept our wedding photos....in which my ring is clearly visible. Can you picture the ''Uh oh!'' moment that would ensue there?

I have heard of men recycling engagement rings that were never worn. And it''s perfectly OK to use your grandmother''s or other relative''s ring. But giving your fiancee your ex-wife''s EXACT SAME ring?! Has anyone ever heard of this???!!

Bridget in Connecticut.

Wow. I am speechless.

 

[ladyciel]

Date: 1/7/2008 12:52:01 PM
Author: sandia_rose
My ex had the gall to ask for my engagement ring and wedding band in his property request list in our divorce! Legally, my attorney said that I could keep them, as they are considered gifts. However, I gave them back to him. My attorney thought I was nuts....he told me to sell them and buy something else with them.....until I told him that the reason for the request was out of spite. The rings were not family heirlooms, so there was no sentimental value to them. My ex apparently thought that he could sell them and get back what he paid (which is rarely possible unless you have something extraordinary). I certainly didn''t want to keep them or anything else reminiscent of him around....


Here is the funny part of it - funny in the sense that you can''t make this stuff up: My engagement ring was an artisan-made setting with a champagne diamond. Very unique and identifyable. My ex is engaged again....and his fiancee is wearing my ring! The same exact ring that I wore for 4 years of marriage!! I kid you not!! The only reason I know is that she happened to be with my ex when we exchanged our son for visitation. I was lady enough not to say anything out loud to her (it''s not her fault that my ex couldn''t even buy her her own ring) and hid my shock at seeing my ring on her....but did make mention of it to my ex offline. I didn''t tell him so...but it would be interesting if he or his relatives kept our wedding photos....in which my ring is clearly visible. Can you picture the ''Uh oh!'' moment that would ensue there?


I have heard of men recycling engagement rings that were never worn. And it''s perfectly OK to use your grandmother''s or other relative''s ring. But giving your fiancee your ex-wife''s EXACT SAME ring?! Has anyone ever heard of this???!!


Bridget in Connecticut.

I don''t know how old your son is, but is there a chance he might recognize the ring and point it out to her? That would be PRICELESS!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

that is just a sad sick excuse to get back at you or to make you hurt more in the long run is my guess. i would also think she is flashing it around thinking that she got a great ring and you already had it...so she might look like a fool in the long run.

Either way, its shady.

In the end I would not be surprised if they dont last after she finds this out....

Which brings me to ask this question??

Would you tell or not tell?

If YOU got the ''recycled'' ring....would you want to know?

Personally I would be ticked if my SO gave me the exact same ring. He would pay.

 

[BriBee]

I think that another consideration should be who paid for the ring. For example, my FI and I lived together for over 2 years before we got engaged, and had most of our finances combined at this point. We already knew that we were going to get engaged and married, so the ring was more of a formality I guess. The money that paid for the ring came out of our joint savings, although he did transfer extra money over from his personal account. In the end though, it was an expense that we both incurred as a couple, rather than him paying for the whole thing on his CC or out of his checking account etc...

 

[designchica]

I think the woman should give the ring back if the couple does not make it to the altar. However, in the case of the woman here who was divorced after four years, she should have either been able to keep it or the could have sold it and split the money. But to give it to the new fiance is jaw droppingly tasteless. What a jerk!

 

[KimberlyH]

E-rings are given as a symbol of the intent to marry. If the marriage doesn't occur I think it should be returned to the purchaser.

My cousin dated a girl through college who then broke his heart. He moved on, started dating someone else, but felt he needed to try with the ex one more time before he got serious with the new girl. He was very honest with the new girl about all of this and she was okay with it. He proposed to the ex, she said no (but that she'd take the ring ha ha ha), so he continued to date the new girl. Eventually they got engaged. She asked for the center stone from the ring that was intended for his ex,, and she had it reset. I'm not sure if she's practical or wanted a rock (the center stone was 2+ carats). I'm not sure what I'd do in her shoes. I'm a practical person, so I would consider doing the same thing, if there was a 2+ carat stone involved

.

 

[Mannequin]

I think this matter is something that individual couples need to work out for themselves, since all situations are different.

I gave my old e-ring back to my ex, feeling no attachments to it and figuring if he was going to quit his job, he might want to have it for resale purposes so he could use the money.

My mom kept her old e-ring from her first marriage and used the center marquis stone to replace the two center stones in her ring from my father. Her recycling ended up making a pair of earrings for me.

Bridget, that''s so sad... I hope your ex''s new gal figures it out and gives him heck over it. I could never reuse a ring like that in good faith.

 

[bee*]

from watching Judge Judy, I always thought that you had to give it back to him if it was a broken engagement! I''m not sure what the law is over here.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/7/2008 1:13:12 PM
Author: ladyciel

I don''t know how old your son is, but is there a chance he might recognize the ring and point it out to her? That would be PRICELESS!

My son is 7, and you know, I didn''t even THINK of that possibility!

And now that you mention it, my son is borderline gifted. He reads on a 6th grade level and observes everything. He was not quite 5 when I got divorced, and he noticed back then that I''d stopped wearing my rings. He has also said to me a number of times, too, that he does not like this woman. From what little he''s told me and that I''ve pieced together, this woman seems to resent the fact that my son occupies all of my ex''s free time when he has him. When I met her, she seemed very...what''s the word....clingy and attention-needy. She has no children of her own and doesn''t understand that kids take the priority when you date someone with them.

OMG....you just made my day with the thoughts of what havoc my son is capable of, should (or I should say...when) he notices the ring....

Feeling like a

because of my gloating here....


Brdget in Connecticut.

 

[ktdid]

Hmmmmm...

I was previously married for 11 years before getting divorced. I have the ring and will eventually reset the tiny diamond in some kind of jewelry for our daughter.

My current BF was engaged to his ex twice! The first time he got the ring back and returned it to the jeweler. The second time he said he bought her a much cheaper ring. When he broke it off (drugs, etc) he gave the ring to one of his coworkers! She had said she liked it so there you go!

I would have to think it would depend on several factors- who paid for it (shared finances!), how long the engagement lasted, etc. I wouldn''t think I''d want to keep it since it''s a reminder of a broken relationship

 

[chocolatefudge]

I wouldn''t keep the ring. What would be the point? It would no longer have any meaning! The ring is given as a sign of commitment and if you were no longer together why would you still need it? It would be a meaningless piece of jewellery, a nice one, but meaningless just the same!
I think it would cause me to bring up painful memories everytime I looked at it. The post where it was given to the next girlfriend made me laugh though! Lucky girl......... Ha ha ha!

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/7/2008 1:18:40 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~

Which brings me to ask this question??

Would you tell or not tell?

If YOU got the ''recycled'' ring....would you want to know?

Personally I would be ticked if my SO gave me the exact same ring. He would pay.

Hell, yes! I would be

if I got a recycled ring and found out later. I can''t even post here about what I would do to the offender.

What''s really bad in my ex''s case? He can easily afford a new ring. His family has money, he has a high-paying job and doesn''t have a lot of bills/debt. There is absolutely NO excuse for him to recycle, unless it were out of laziness, cheapness or spite - any of which do not bode well for a future husband.

I don''t get mad easily or at a lot, but what my ex did is wrong on so many levels that if I were her, I''d........yeah. He''d pay. What is really confusing me here is: How could she NOT know? Everyone in his family obviously saw my old ring. I wore it for 4 years and it is unique enough to where it''d stick in your memory...even if you only saw it once or twice. If this woman goes to his family events - which she does, according to my son - how has someone not slipped and said something? I mean, at weddings, parties where people are drinking....I find it hard to believe that someone didn''t get soused somewhere along the line and something has not been (accidentally) said to her. Unless of course she is well aware that the ring is recycled and has no issue with it -- which, if true, would make me question her sanity. Is she THAT desperate to get married to where wearing an ex-wife''s used ring is acceptable to her and she finds no problem with the man that gave it to her?

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/7/2008 1:50:16 PM
Author: equestrienne
I think this matter is something that individual couples need to work out for themselves, since all situations are different.

Bridget, that''s so sad... I hope your ex''s new gal figures it out and gives him heck over it. I could never reuse a ring like that in good faith.

OMG! Check THIS out! I had to look up something on the Wayback Machine for work, was curious, and MY RING **IS** visible in several pictures! The Wayback Machine is part of the Internet Archive that catalogs old versions of web pages, even after the originals have been taken down or changed. Obviously, these are web resolution, but anyone could look at these and compare what is on their hand to what is in these pics:

http://web.archive.org/web/20040826105143/bridgets.home.netcom.com/closeup.JPG. In this, you can see the peachyness of the champagne stone.

This one doesn''t show it as clearly....but if my ex has the original print still (and someone in his clan does)....it''s clear as day in that:

http://web.archive.org/web/20040826105218/bridgets.home.netcom.com/smiling+b.JPG

When I got married, I put up a wedding website and evidence of it still exists. She may find these herself someday....

Bridget in Connecticut

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Could it be that she pressured him into getting engaged??

 

[mirre]

Even him just suggesting giving me an ex's ring would have me

I would rather have nothing than something from his ex.

ETA: At the very least he could have had the stone reset and gave her that or something. Guess he doesn't think things through... or doesn't care too.

 

[Haven]

I would be very unhappy if I was given a recycled ring, VERY unhappy.

As for who gets to keep the ring, I think it should be returned to the man if the engagement is broken, regardless of who does the breaking. That being said, I''m still in possession of the ring my ex proposed with over five years ago, but that is only because he won''t take it back, and DKS wouldn''t accept the diamond as a consolation gift when she discovered her diamond was gone!

I''ve had this ring for so long, and the only thing I want to do is get it off my hands but I can''t! I sent it via UPS to the ex a few times, he returned it each time, and he wouldn''t even take it back when he was ready to propose to another girl. I tried to entice him with vision of lowering the cost of the new engagement ring by trading in my ring, but no, he wouldn''t have it. I tried to sell it on Craigslist and eBay, and even to a few jewelers, but I can''t get enough money for it to make it worth the sale.

I started a thread a while back because I was going to try to use the diamond in a new piece of jewelry, but I still remain undecided. It''s a diamond from my previous failed engagement--I just feel like it belongs in someone else''s possession. (DKS . . . it''s still waiting for you, honey!)

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/7/2008 3:21:19 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
Could it be that she pressured him into getting engaged??

It's possible. Either that, or he did it out of necessity. He and this woman just bought a house together in a town where the real estate values are overinflated. Even though he makes a good income, you need two similar incomes and great credit to be able to buy even a tiny house in this town. I looked up the deed for this house and found out what they paid for it -- $20K more than the house we sold when we got divorced. My ex wanted to buy me out and keep our house -- until we had it appraised. My lawyer told him that he would have to come up with almost $100K to buy me out between equity in the house and returning to me what I put into it from the sale of the condo I owned when single -- which he didn't have and couldn't get. Catch 22: He wouldn't have the money unless the house was sold, and he couldn't get a loan for the money to pay me because he was already maxed out on the mortgage we already had. He was so ticked off when the house was sold that I still have my copies of the sale documents -- with the pen from his signature going right through the paper!!

I wouldn't put it past him, once he realized that this woman has a good job, to suggest that they buy a house together....and then for her to have said, "Fine. But we get married/engaged first."

That's the only leverage type move that would work on him...the man who swore when we got divorced that he would never be so "stupid" as to get married again. But, he badly wanted a house in this town to the point of being obsessed with living there. When we were married, I would not move there - houses are overpriced and it's a very hoity-toity place where people are status-happy and always in your business (like Wisteria Lane). Maybe he saw this woman as his "chance" for his dream to live there. And maybe recycling the ring is his way of giving this woman the figurative bird for trapping him....without making it obvious that he is in disdain. That's another thought. Either way...I would be

and would immediately dump him, were I her.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Delster]

Date: 1/7/2008 2:30:54 PM
Author: bee*
from watching Judge Judy, I always thought that you had to give it back to him if it was a broken engagement! I'm not sure what the law is over here.

Ah, see, I knew I did Advanced Family for a reason!!!

Irish law holds that the engagement ring is consideration in the engagement contract - it's what the man gives in exchange for the woman's promise to marry him. If he terminates the engagement, the ring is hers to keep. If she terminates the engagement, she must return the ring to him.

Here's another point that surprised me - without a ring, Irish law will not recognise an engagement. There are certain legal protections around dividing up property if an engagement is broken, and those will not be available to you if you do not have a ring. Bluntly, no ring = no engagement = no legal protections!

Bridget, I am in shock at what your ex did! Oh my goodness!!!

 

[zhuzhu]

OMG, I thought i was the only one in the situation.... I was in a very brief and meaningless engagement once, when I broke it off I RUSHED the ring back to him as otherwise he would not even take my words seriously. Inside the ring shank there is an engraving of the nick name he called me while we were dating, a very unique one for that matter.

A couple of month past the breakup and he was dating another girl who knew nothing about his past (and me). I heard from our mutual friend that he is now nicknamed her the SAME NICKNAME he gave me. Trust me he is for sure going to recycle the ring to the next person he proposes to.

I feel really sorry for him and whoever the girl will be, but truly feel LUCKY that I recognize the reasons why I should not be with him early on.

 

[allycat0303]

TravellingGal, SO FUNNY! I saw the heading and for a second, I was like ''''OH my GOD!'''' travellingal''s engagement is off!'''' right before I remembered you were SO married. The wronged party should get the ring. I consider it a small consolation considering how difficult and sad it must be to want to spend your life with somebody and then have them change their mind.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/10/2008 6:48:03 AM
Author: allycat0303
TravellingGal, SO FUNNY! I saw the heading and for a second, I was like ''OH my GOD!'' travellingal''s engagement is off!'' right before I remembered you were SO married. The wronged party should get the ring. I consider it a small consolation considering how difficult and sad it must be to want to spend your life with somebody and then have them change their mind.

LOL...how funny...because I saw you were the last reply and thought, "OH NO! Don''t tell me her engagement''s off!" It''s been awhile since I''ve seen you post...so what''s going on with your wedding plans, missy?