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Erm... A Vent...

Mashira

Mashira

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2010
Messages
501
A friend of mine is getting engaged soon. I don't happen to like her SO... we have had many differences in the past, and he
really hurt my feelings a while back by throwing my broken engagement in my face and calling it my fault and basically telling me that I am a horrible person (for the record, it was not, I don't believe one person can break up an engagement, both of us were lacking in different ways).

Well, we 'made up' in a way (when he did this, I had only met him once... it was none of his business) ANYWHO! We decided to be cordial at the very least, for her sake. My FF still doesn't like him. Getting to the point...

I got wind that he was going to propose soon. He decided to turn all 'buddy-buddy' on me and started telling me his ideas for the proposal etc.. I, being the girl that I am, got all excited and into it and ended up helping him come up with a few ideas. He was supposed to propose this month, but because she is taking summer courses to finish her degree when he asked her parents for her hand they suggested he wait until after she was finished with the courses. Well... August is coming and he's looking at rings.

He had me talk to her about what she would like, and I did. She wants a princess cut in a channel setting (not exactly that, but that is
her general taste). When I asked her what carat size she liked (he asked me to nonchalantly ask her) she said 1.5ct is her 'dream size' and 0.75 to 1ct is the smallest she could imagine being pretty.

Now... I know we talk a lot about expectations of rings being bad, and what not, but I do believe that everyone has an idea of what they would like so it's okay for her to have an idea of what she would like, IMHO.

Well... her SO is not horribly well off, but he can afford the range that she would like (probably closer to the 1ct than the 1.5). Well my problem is that I am kind of bothered by his take on the ring. He has been looking on ebay for rings and doesn't want to spend more than $1,000 on it. She got wind of it being on ebay (she was snooping because she was excited :rodent: ) and texted me, she was very upset. She said, "Is it totally shallow of me to not want a ring someone else already wore? I just don't like the idea of it. Almost like it's bad juju."

To tell the truth, I completely agree with her. It wasn't my place to say anything to him though, and so I kept my mouth shut. Turns out he did not buy the ebay ring. He is currently looking at a ring though, and we have another issue. The ring he is looking at, quite frankly, is hideous. I'm sure someone would like it.... but NOT my friend. It's four 0.25ct princess cut diamonds invisibly set together to look like it's a 1ct center stone. It has two round diamonds on the side, so it's basically a three stone ring.

She's going to hate it. I know she's going to hate it, because I know her very well (friends for 8+ years). It bothers me that he is not paying attention to her taste, and is more concerned with cost (if cost is an issue, get a .50 carat, but get it in the style she likes, ya know?! And the thing is, cost is NOT an issue!) It bothers me that he is not considering her feelings. It bothers me that he KNOWS this is NOT the ring she is going to love (and has said as much himself!), but he's getting it anyway. It makes me dislike him even more. I also know that I can't say a darn thing about it. Bah! It just really frustrates me. HE frustrates me. ARGH!
 
o wow. This sounds like there is a lot more back story to it. I am so sorry, but have you consider maybe going with him, ven though you dont like him? I dont know about the bad juju on ring. Sometimes that is all a person can afford, and its better than not having one at all. Thats just my take, espically since i love antique jewerly. I really dont know what to tell you, but hold on strong, and pray your friend will be happy.
 
LOL yes, there is quite a bit of back story, but I tried to sum it up so as not to have a 5 page post. I totally agree with you that sometimes you just have to go with what you can afford, and because I believe it's the sentiment that counts, it shouldn't be an issue.

I think what bothers me is that he knows how important the ring is to her, he has the money, and he refuses to spend it on a ring she will love. On top of that, he isn't taking what she likes into consideration, even with what he has decided to spend on it. It's not really the ring that bothers me, how much it costs, or where it comes from, it's his lack of consideration towards her. :nono:

I doubt I can go looking anywhere with him because he seems set on the one he has already found, and has stopped looking. The only thing I could do now is say that I don't like it... but that is probably just going to make him upset (or he'll just brush it off) rather than make him want to look more. That's just the kind of guy he is. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping she doesn't hate it :blackeye:
 
If she is going to say yes to marrying him then she obviously loves him very much and honestly she is lucky to have any input into the ring really. Lots of girls I know have wound up with similar setting (illusion settings) and while I have straight out said to my bf I do not like those settings, some girls love them, and if she has not straight out told him she doesn’t like them he might think “well they look very very blingy, it cant hurt”.

My best advice to you if you don’t like him is that everything that you see him do is going to be bias toward not liking it either. Try not to try and turn you friend against him or his ring choices because you don’t like him. She loves him.

And he is new to this so he at the moment is trying to explore what will get her the biggest bling for the least buck which is what I expect most males do, at least at first, in the face of spending thousands on something to sit on their fiancés finger.

You should also be aware that although you have decided you don’t like him, he obviously trusts you very much and values your opinion if he has approached you to get your input and ask for help.

My best friend is easily swayed and gets way over the top p’d off when people say things to her that she doesn’t like. When my bf and I first started dating (but she had known him for years) she tried to kick my BF out of our house because he made a joke about her having no filter (ie she says b|tchy things without thinking about them first). She pretty much proved his point. I just told her to grow up. Acting out like that just enforces what a friends bf already thinks about you.

And men say things without walking on egg shells, they don’t sometimes think to make sure they are going to sound right to our over sensitive ears.
 
My best advice to you if you don’t like him is that everything that you see him do is going to be bias toward not liking it either. Try not to try and turn you friend against him or his ring choices because you don’t like him. She loves him.

And he is new to this so he at the moment is trying to explore what will get her the biggest bling for the least buck which is what I expect most males do, at least at first, in the face of spending thousands on something to sit on their fiancés finger.
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I agree that I am probably biased against him to some extent. I also agree that she loves him and that is all that matters to the both of them. What I don't agree on is his trusting me because he is taking the marriage and wedding very lightly, and doesn't seem to care. He is actually not new to this, I left out a bit of detail about him. He is divorced, and was engaged to a different girl after the divorce, so he is well versed in ring buying. However, this is my friends first love, and soon to be first engagement and first marriage. I think his past has jaded him a bit, but I don't think she should have to suffer for other girls shortcomings.

I know that I don't like him, and I know that it doesn't matter, but it's hard to explain... it's not what he did to me that makes me not like him, though that does influence it. It's how he treats her. I think she is blinded by her love for him, and doesn't see how rude/mean he is. I am not the only friend he has offended. He is... well... horrid. A male version of the 'bridezillas' you see on televison and wonder, 'who could actually marry them?!'. She has a history of picking... less than desirable men... and to be honest I'm sick with worry for her because I don't see how this marriage will ever work. (I know, many people say this or think this about others, and the couple goes on to live happily ever after...) but I'm just very worried.

I don't know... *sighs* but I do understand what you are saying, and that this is about the two of them, not my opinion, so thank you for the input. ;))
 
Do you know what I can see happening?

He buys the ring you're sure she won't like and you say nothing. He proposes with the ring, she seems less then enthused about it, he tells her that you helped pick it out to cover his ass and make him look like he was trying to be thoughtful and YOU just pushed him in the wrong direction.

I would tell him you don't think she will like the ring, and if he chooses to go ahead anyway, so be it and atleast you tried.
 
4ever said:
Do you know what I can see happening?

He buys the ring you're sure she won't like and you say nothing. He proposes with the ring, she seems less then enthused about it, he tells her that you helped pick it out to cover his ass and make him look like he was trying to be thoughtful and YOU just pushed him in the wrong direction.

I would tell him you don't think she will like the ring, and if he chooses to go ahead anyway, so be it and atleast you tried.
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Okay you had the same thought that i did...
 
EXACTLY! 4Ever and Jessie that is exactly what I think is going to happen if I keep my mouth shut. It's so hard for me to convince myself it's a good idea though.... I don't even know how to go about saying it. It seems rude to me to say, "You know, I know that you like that ring, but I don't think she will like it. Perhaps you should consider something different." ... is that rude?! I don't know... :sick:
 
Mashira said:
EXACTLY! 4Ever and Jessie that is exactly what I think is going to happen if I keep my mouth shut. It's so hard for me to convince myself it's a good idea though.... I don't even know how to go about saying it. It seems rude to me to say, "You know, I know that you like that ring, but I don't think she will like it. Perhaps you should consider something different." ... is that rude?! I don't know... :sick:
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I dont think its rude. Maybe asks him why he thinks she will like the current ring he is picking... or even say something like, ya know i heard X comment on a ring like that a few days ago, and she HATED it. Maybe you should continue looking...

or

you could go with the flat out, rude and in his face...." look you dummy, she isnt going to like that ring. You seem to now know her style" :D
 
Yes definitely by all means say it to him, he is looking for your opinion isn’t he anyhow? But do not say it to her, especially if he gives it to her because no one likes having their e-ring criticized and it will make her feel worse :)
 
4ever said:
Do you know what I can see happening?

He buys the ring you're sure she won't like and you say nothing. He proposes with the ring, she seems less then enthused about it, he tells her that you helped pick it out to cover his ass and make him look like he was trying to be thoughtful and YOU just pushed him in the wrong direction.

I would tell him you don't think she will like the ring, and if he chooses to go ahead anyway, so be it and atleast you tried.
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I agree completely, SAY SOMETHING. PLEASE.
 
yes i agree with the other LIWs you have to say something! otherwise he could blame the choice on you and you don't want that! maybe you can e-mail him so you have it in writing, in case he goes through with the ebay ring and then tells your friend it was your idea??
 
Alrighty! I just needed the advice. I just sent off an e-mail to him that said:

I was thinking about [name] engagement ring. Do you think [name] would like the four stone center or do you think she would want a solid stone? I was thinking about it and I honestly think she would prefer a smaller (if cost is the issue) but solid center stone... I'm not sure if you've talked to her about it or not. Just something to think about. =)

That being sent off, I feel MUCH better. Also, I talked with my friend and asked her (as though it were for my ring, because she knows that I'll be getting engaged soon as well) if she thought I should go with the invisible set to get a larger look or go with the 0.50 ct solid and she said, and I quote:

"Honestly, don't do the invisible thing. I think it looks tacky and ugly."

SH*T! He better not have bought that thing already!
 
Yes. Say something. He asked for your help initially, didn't he?
 
I wouldn't offer my advice if I couldn't give it honestly and directly.

That being said, your response sounds wishy washy and confusing. Prefacing your statement with, "Do you think she'd like this..." when you know she doesn't like that particular negates the effectiveness of your adVice by making you sound unsure of yourself. Saying things like, "I honestly think..." sends the same message. If he asks again, or presses to justify his choice in an illusion setting, I'd set him straight with a short, direct response. "Katie doesn't like illusion settings- she thinks they're tacky and ugly." The end.

It should work. I hope that the ring hasn't been bought!
 
Since you know what your GF likes and dislikes I would be more upfront with her BF.

"I'm pretty sure she is not interested in that type of ring and she would like a solitare. A .5 would
be lovely if cost is an issue."

He asked for your help/advice/opinion and I think you should be honest with him.

Once you have stated it as blantantly as possible then you have done what you can. If he still chooses
to buy her the other ring you are off the hook (not that it matters).

I'm hoping you dont have to(maybe she'll be ok with it), but you might start thinking of ways to comfort your friend. :blackeye:
 
Thanks again for the advice ladies! We think alike ;)) after I sent that message, I felt like it didn't really do the job, so I sent him a rather long winded e-mail:

Hey A!

I have been looking at rings lately because I know sometime in the next 6 months John [my FF] is going to propose to me. I thought about how I would feel about getting the four stone center diamond, and I personally don't like it. I figured since B and I have the same sort of taste, that she may not like it either.

You know B and I been talking about weddings and engagement things for a while now, and we talked again today. I made it about my
ring, because she knows that John is going to ask me about my ring style. I asked her what she thought about my getting a four stone
center to make the center stone bigger, or getting a smaller 1/2 carat solid stone. I told her I wanted her honest opinion because I would be wearing this ring the rest of my life. So the stage was all set up for her to give me her real opinion. She said that she likes the center stone solid, even if it's smaller, though she would prefer bigger. She also said that the four stone center was "okay" at first, but then admitted (after I made her swear to tell me the truth, and told her that I wouldn't be hurt by her real opinion) that it honestly looked tacky and ugly to her.

I'm sure that you want her to love her ring, and I'm sure she will love anything that you get her, but before you buy the four stone ring you were considering, I thought you should know that. I'm sorry if I've ruined any plans you have made with the ring, I just really thought it was important information for you to know.

Mashira


I can't think of a way to be any more direct. What do you ladies think of that e-mail?
 
So funny I was in this sitation and the guy (who Im not a BIG fan of, though he's grown on me since the wedding) came to me with the exact same 4 stone ring thing. I HATE those rings, PERIOD. I told him "that's ugly, stop it now" and showed him 5 rings that I knew she loved at various sizes. He picked the biggest one and said How about this and the rest is history! After the engagement he showed her the ring I talked him out of and she said THANK GOD!
 
New post by Mashira » 07 Jul 2010 19:19

I can't think of a way to be any more direct. What do you ladies think of that e-mail?
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It's an awesome email. It's stunningly tactful and very well-spoken. Which I could have never managed to be, under the circumstances. I'd have blown up a long time ago! Props to you, Mashira. :bigsmile:

If he chooses a smaller princess, how about a full bezel head, integrated into a channel-set shank, if she likes the more contemporary looks. That would also be a sneaky illusion setting to magnify the center. I can't think of one in a stock setting, but Adwar or someone probably makes one.
 
Agreed. Invisible set centers - not the way to go. I'd much rather have something smaller than pretend (badly) that I had a larger center stone.

You know - you may want to ask the mods to remove this thread. If A's searching ebay and online, chances are that he'll eventually stumble on PS and maybe this thread. You also might want to direct him to PS.

There's also a princess at GOG: http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/7336/ It's a 0.57 I I1 but for the life of me, I can't see the inclusion. Jon can confirm whether it's eyeclean or mostly eyeclean. At that size, I doubt you can see any tint either and it has a beautiful cut. It's likely a stunner and upgradeable!
 
Thank you all so much for the input! *sigh of relief* HVVS, that's a wonderful idea but she is a very difficult person. She wants a particular setting: two round side stones prong set, and a channel set side. Yes. I know. She's particular with really no right to be, but it would be hard convincing him to go with a bezel set. I'm just glad I got the invisible set info out there, and I would honestly prefer to stay out of it from here on out. I don't really like being the 'middle man'. That diamond is beautiful! Unfortunately, he is looking to spend $1000 on the whole ring, including setting, so it's probably outside his budget :blackeye:

Edit: As for removing the post, I'm not too worried because he's not an online sort of guy, and 'Mashira' is not my real name. It's actually a character I came up with from a set of sci-fi books that are amazing ;)) (Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan). I've directed him to a few rings that I put together on JA and BN, those are .47 ct center stones with the setting that she likes in about $1,200 and I hope he'll spring for that.
 
Mashira I also read WoT but am not familiar with that character????

anyway good luck with this tricky situation and I hope you get your ring soon!
 
To be honest, she shouldn't be snooping and then getting upset that the rings he's looking at aren't to her standards. Most girls don't even get input. An engagement ring isn't a requirement... it's a gift, a symbol of love and commitment. Having said that, your email sounds good. Just don't get too emotionally invested in this!
 
Sizzle said:
So funny I was in this sitation and the guy (who Im not a BIG fan of, though he's grown on me since the wedding) came to me with the exact same 4 stone ring thing. I HATE those rings, PERIOD. I told him "that's ugly, stop it now" and showed him 5 rings that I knew she loved at various sizes. He picked the biggest one and said How about this and the rest is history! After the engagement he showed her the ring I talked him out of and she said THANK GOD!
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Bwahahaha, I love it. That's exactly what I'd say to my BFF's boyfriends (who all know to come to me before buying ANYTHING jewelry).

Mashira, I liked the second e-mail and I was going to suggest you send him diamonds/setting links to minimize the work he has to do (since he seems lazy) but you're already on it. At this point, it seems like you've done all you can do so good job, and hope he takes the hint!
 
Thanks gals, I really do appreciate it. I agree that really, she shouldn't be snooping, but there's not a whole lot I can do there :nono: I also think I've done all that I can do, and I'm washing my hands clean of it now. I want out of this mess before it blows up! I decided that I was getting too emotionally invested for something that quite frankly has nothing to do with me... so I'm just dropping it. She picked the guy, that doesn't want to pick the 'good ring', that is not my fault. If she doesn't like it, she can talk to him about it, I've done everything I can as far as advice goes *nods*

Edit: slg, you're my new favorite person for reading WoT! :D I got 'Mashira' from 'Mashiara' (lost love) in the Old Tongue (what Lan called Nynaeve) You wouldn't happen to be on the Dragonmount forums would you? BF and I joined up there together about a year ago, it's great place if you're nutty about the books like I am ;))
 
Mashira said:
Edit: slg, you're my new favorite person for reading WoT! :D I got 'Mashira' from 'Mashiara' (lost love) in the Old Tongue (what Lan called Nynaeve) You wouldn't happen to be on the Dragonmount forums would you? BF and I joined up there together about a year ago, it's great place if you're nutty about the books like I am ;))
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OH ok...I don't post there but have looked (this was a while ago...I am re-reading the books now, or was, but kinda stopped...will start that up again!)
 
I would tell him that you don't think she would like the ring, tell him that she does not like the idea of a second-hand ring, tell her that he's not listening to you, and then stop helping. You don't want to get dragged into the middle of this. I know it's hard, because you want the best for you friend, and I would too in you situation, but your advice seems to be falling on deaf ears.
 
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