Ever wonder if he will be ready?

[TheOptimist]

Hi Ladies! Sorry for being MIA, lots of things going in my life. I left my job and have been looking for something for awhile now. In the meantime, I''ve been working my part-time jobs everyday. My schedule is all out of wack because I work nights now so I am hardly ever on here! I see that lots of the LIW got engaged (Congrats to all!) and there are a bunch of new LIW (

hi to all!) I must have been gone for quite a while cause I got bumped off the list (sorry! But I understand). Anyways, I just wanted to put this out there and see what he LIW thought---you all have great advice and none of you will think I am crazy (I hope).

My bf and I have been together for a year and half. That''s not really all that long but at the same time, we both just had a feeling that we would like to end up with each other in the forever sense--one day. I remember meeting his family for the first time and his parents told me that he called them back when we first started dating and said that he had met the women he wanted to marry (me). As I posted in my first post, I have been married once before.. I was very wary when I met BF but there was just something about him that swept me off my feet. In the beginning we talked about getting engaged and married, kids, etc. But then we had kind of a rough period this last summer so those things stopped.

One day BF just came to me and said that he didn''t want those things right now and he was just not ready for a relationship. Needless to say, we broke up, I was heartbroken because it seemed like he misled me. This was back in Sept. We got back together and rebuilt the relationship from ground zero. I didn''t know if I wanted to even do this again at the time because he had said he wasn''t ready for a relationship, it took a bit of convincing for me to let that go, and alot of effort on his part. Now we have been together 7 months from the breakup. We don''t talk about marriage because it seemed like a lot of pressure for both of us before. But I still think about it. When I got back together with BF he said that he still wanted to marry me someday and he would prove it to me (because he had said he didn''t when he was pulling away and trying to be "free" last summer). But at the same time, he is telling me that he doesn''t want kids until his late 30s. We are 27. He also seems to be in no rush to get married, which I, in a way, feel the same because of my previous marriage, but I also just want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I guess I just need some advice because I do believe that he wants to marry me. But is someday 10 years from now? Or is it a year from now? I want to have kids before I get too old, for the welfare of the children and for myself. I am still young but I don''t want to start having kids in my mid-thirties. I am confused how guys can flip flop so much. One second they are all good with everything and then they are not. Right now, I would be happy to get engaged to him, but I also think he''s got the guy mentality that engagement=married. Granted he''s got a few ghosts in the closet . He''s had a handful of real relationships in the past where he''s been cheated on. I am the first girlfriend he''s had where he''s fought for, meaning we fight and we talk it out until we reach a compromise, whereas in the past, he would just bail out at the first sign of trouble. Sorry for the rambling, I just need some advise. I know there is pressure from his parents to get married and have kids but I don''t want to pressure him. However, I would like to figure out what''s a compromise for both of us. Do time lines work? Are ultimatums the only way? I don''t even think I am at that point yet, but I don''t ever want to resent him. I hope this big ramble makes sense!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Welcome back!

The only advice I could give is to talk to your bf and figure out a timeline. This timeline shouldn''t necessarily be how many years do you want to wait, but what do we need to accomplish as a couple to move to the next level of commitment. This way, as the relationship progresses, you can see exactly where you are in terms of those goals.

It''s important to make it clear that your intent is not to rush him, but to have a plan, and make sure that you''re working towards the same goals as a couple.

Good luck!

 

[ListlessLiz]

Sorry you''re in a tough spot, but welcome back to ps! Speaking from the perspective of someone who recently had a pretty embarassing "Why don''t you want to marry me???" breakdown in front of her BF... (yes, not my proudest moment)... I''m all for the idea of talking it over with him before your worrying/resentment/fears reach a fever pitch. At this point, you seem anxious and excited, but you''re also speaking about the whole situation very pragmatically and realistically - I don''t get the feeling that you''re on the verge of a nervous breakdown about it.

That''s why I think you should just talk to him about it - trying to keep it casual but basically telling him what you envision for your future (an engagement, marriage, kids before 35, etc.) I know you don''t want to pressure him and bring up the tension that occurred in your relationship pre-breakup... but I think you''ll only be heading down a slippery slope if you keep NOT talking about it. It''s obviously an issue that you think about pretty regularly (or else you wouldn''t be here,) so it stands to reason that you''ll only be thinking of it more and more as the weeks or months go by. Honestly, I''d talk to him about it now, while you can still view the situation calmly without all the resentment or frustration that comes when you hold your concerns in for months on end. Yes, perhaps you''ll bring back some of the pre-breakup tension... but don''t you think the tension (at least for you) will be worse if you continue to try to shelter him from your concerns and keep them all to yourself?

Maybe say something along the lines of "You know, I don''t expect a proposal right now, but I would like to know that it will eventually happen for us. Are we on the same page?" I think it''s perfectly reasonable to ask for a timeline. The only reason I regret asking for MY timeline is because I did it after a pretty lengthy shouting match and lots and LOTS of tears. If I could go back in time, I would have had the same conversation with him, but 2 months earlier when I wasn''t quite so emotional, resentful, and hurt by the months of expecting a proposal was "right around the corner" when it wasn''t.

Also, I''d hold off on issuing any ultimatums, because is that really the way you want to enter into marriage? Rather than issuing him a "We must be engaged by X date or I leave," maybe you could create an internal X date that only you know about. If he does propose by X date, great! If not, at least you can put yourself out of your misery or schedule a more serious discussion with him about it.

Feel free to ignore my advice, I am anything but a licensed professional. Still, I thought you might appreciate the perspective of someone who really tried to NOT talk about it - but ultimately just ended up resenting him and exploding in a fit of LIW-itis. I''m all for discussing things BEFORE they get to the point where the discussion can''t take place calmly and with only a reasonable amount of tears

 

[KCCutie]

I feel like I''m in the same spot. While E and I have talked about marriage and I''m certain that he knows I''m the one for him and I absolutely know he''s the only one for me I just wonder when he''ll be ready.....he probably wonders the same thing.

Here''s the deal he''s one of those guys who thinks a man''s life ends when he gets married, and we''ve talked several times (in fact last night we talked about his need for a man space when we do live together) about how I don''t want our lives to change when we get married....he can still go out with his buddies and drink if he wants to I don''t want to change him, b/c I love him exactly how he is. I think that vision that guys have of marriage as a prison is ingrained in them as much as the visions of beautiful weddings and lovely families are ingrained in the minds of little girls.

He''s getting there, it''s just a slow process. When we met he went out every weekend usually 2-3 times and partied like crazy and he''s growing out of that phase so I have hope that he''s growing into the phase where he wants to be a wonderful husband and father, but unfortunately no one can tell how long thats going to take. It''s all one big waiting game.

I feel like asking him "When do you think we''ll get married?" would really freak him out so personally I''m going to put that off for a little longer, but I''m almost 31 and I want to have kids before I''m 40 so I can''t wait forever.