Everyone but me...

[ammayernyc]

This Saturday one of my bf''s good friends got engaged. I was, and am, really happy for them. When I asked my bf how long they have been dating he said, ''I don''t know. A long time. Maybe two or three years.'' HELLO!!!! We''ve been dating over four years.

This morning my bf called me to tell me that one of his co-workers, who I know very well, got engaged yesterday. He was so happy and excited when he called to tell me. I wanted to reach through the phone and slap him silly. When will it be my turn???!!!

If both wedding happen this year, we will have... NINE WEDDINGS!!! My bf actually had the audacity to tell me this weekend that he was running out of single friends. I said to him, ''well, maybe that should tell you something...'' His only response was that his friend was older than him (by three years... geez).

My frustration level is at a high...

 

[AmberWaves]

Amanda, I know how that feels. Have you asked him outright? Like, hey, fool- when is it OUR turn? It''s so frustrating, and the first thing you want to do it yell, scream and slap him around. Tell him you''re starting to feel like he''s dragging his feet, and while it''s nice he was excited for his co-worker, doesn''t it make him want to take your relationship a step up?

 

[Caribou]

I''m sorry. All but 2 of my friends are married...1 can''t get married, well not in this state anyway, and the other one although I would be very happy for her if her and her boyfriend got engaged and married before me, probably won''t happen. Now, all my married friends are starting their family stages (have kids, pregnant or trying to get pregnant) and I''m like ''hold up, let me have my turn!!!!"

So I know how frustrating it is.

Maybe he''s got something in the works??

 

[appletini]

*hugs*

I know this can be tough. I really do think that you need to ask him his timeline. I know he has committment issues, but the two of you have been together a long time, and live together, so I think he owes it to you to give you an honest answer.

 

[Mara]

I second everything that Appletini said...I know that you have talked about this on here before, but when is enough enough re: the timeline and waiting patiently? It must be very hard to see friends getting engaged and especially to see him so happy for THEM when you wonder about yourself.

Put your foot down girl and get him on the line to tell you what is going on in his mind! You deserve more than just waiting around hoping and he should recognize this. My two cents from an opninionated mind.

 

[Cailet]

girl - you have come to the right place! I''m sure there are tons of us here in the same situation!!
We''ve got 6 weddings this year ourselves and my BF will make random comments about the couples -- sometimes I just want to smack him silly.

good luck staying patient. and if you guys haven''t had a real sit down talk about it maybe you should!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I got engaged after 4+ years so I can relate to what you are going through. It was horrible and frusterating. What helped me, like what appletini mentioned was FI did give me a timeline or should I say deadline

. I proposed a month shy of when he said I would have my ring by. I really think that as long as you have discussed marriage and know each others expectations it will happen. I promise you will soon forget how you are now feeling once he says those four little words! In the meantime this is a GREAT place to vent. I wish I found PS while I was going through the same thing.

 

[Kaleigh]

I thought you talked to him about this before?? Maybe I am mistaken??

 

[GGLW]

NINE WEDDINGS!!!! aaakk! I had 7 one year and it was nuts...I can''t imagine dealing with that while waiting to get engaged.
At that time in my life I was definitely not ready yet, so it wasn''t really an issue, but I feel for you!
I agree with everyone else and I would ask your BF gently what he is thinking in terms of a timeline for getting engaged/married. Maybe he has a plan and maybe he needs a good kick in the a$$ to think of a plan...who knows unless you ask.

 

[nytemist]

We have all been in your shoes. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Went through is with my BF. It comes down to either he wants a comitted future or not. If so, he needs to act like it. If not, you damn well have the right to know. I had a friend tell me that if a guy says he isn''t ready for a committment, believe them. Men do not lie about things like that. It could mean not right now, not ever or just not with you. Why pine away for years not knowing, having him make all the decisions for YOUR life? It wasn''t until I told him that I was going to do what I wanted since he couldn''t make up his mind that my BF woke up.

 

[ammayernyc]

I have talked to him about it. It''s gone from ''I''m not ready yet'' to ''I need more time.'' How much, I''m not sure. But we need to renew our lease this summer and we''ve planned trips for May and for August, so I know he believes I''ll be in his future.

Things are really good between the two of us. We''re talking more than we ever have. I know that he''s scared about the actual wedding. I told him that I would do whatever he wanted -- city hall, destination, anything. It''s the marriage that''s important...

Twice in the last two months he''s said to me (about engagement) that ''there''s something to be said about the element of surprise.'' Last time I countered with a story about a releative who had set up a ''deadline'' with her boyfriend (without telling him) and he happened to propose the week before. I said surprise about when is one thing, surprise about if is another. He also said something about his friend knowing that he wanted to marry his now fiance but had to get mentally ready. It seems like he''s drawing an awful lot of comparisions between the two of them...

He''s been a lot more open and affectionate lately. I hope that''s part of his mental preparations!

 

[appletini]

I''m glad that the lines of communication are getting more open. Maybe he is thinking about it. Maybe it will be on one of your summer trips. Sometimes boys just assume we know these things. I have a friend who after a year, she had a serious talk with the BF just wanting to know if he wanted to marry her, and he said that he just assumed she knew that, but he never told her. So at least now she knows that it will happen eventually.

 

[Caribou]

When he says ''I need more time'' is he talking financially or is it just a different way of him saying ''I''m not ready yet''. Hopefully he''s not just making up excuses.

It''s funny, it seems that most guys want it to be a surprise so they think if they give you any details of it, then it won''t be a surprise. What they don''t realize is that unless they come to you and say ''okay, I''m proposing to you on February 14, at 8PM, in so and so restaurant after we order the apetizer but before we order dinner'' it''s going to be a surprise!!!!

 

[nytemist]

Then I apologize for sounding harsh. I thought it was a matter of him gushing about other folks engagement, but clamming up about talking about his own situation.

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 2/13/2006 3:38:03 PM
Author: nytemist
Then I apologize for sounding harsh. I thought it was a matter of him gushing about other folks engagement, but clamming up about talking about his own situation.

Actually, I hadn''t read your response before I wrote mine. Don''t worry about sounding harsh -- I''ve thought those things myself. I feel like I''ve given him enough ''outs'' that if he really wanted to end it, he would have. I even told him that if he didn''t want to be the one breaking up with me (one of his issues) that I would leave then and there and it would be the end of it. He empatically said that that''s not what he wants.

I think a lot of it has to do with his weird family dynamic and the fact that I''ve let him go for so long without a peep. He really does need to build up to things... I''m just hoping he builds there soon!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/13/2006 3:43:42 PM
Author: AmandaPanda
I think a lot of it has to do with his weird family dynamic and the fact that I''ve let him go for so long without a peep. He really does need to build up to things... I''m just hoping he builds there soon!

Hmm... That sounds familiar...

My boyfriend has done most of the things yours has last fall. It was driving me completely insane. I wondered: "If you aren''t ready, then why are you talking about it??" "What does "more time" mean??" I finally put my foot down. At the end of a conversation in which he said twice that he was thinking about proposing to me, I asked him if he had any sort of timeframe in mind, just so that we understand each other and that I don''t have unrealistic expectations. He gave me, rather reluctantly, his 2006 timeframe.

Knowing that he''ll propose in 2006 certainly won''t ruin the surprise for me, as there is no way for me to know when it will happen. I do know it will not happen before May as we are going shopping in two weeks so the ring process hasn''t started yet, and then I won''t be home again before the end of April. But that is ALL I know. I could happen anywhere between May 1st and December 31st!!

Also, I think that at first my dear boyfriend was planning on doing the whole surprise thing, which I tend to find a bit ridiculous in some circumstances. He was relunctant in giving me the timeframe, and then did not want to take me shopping. When he understood how important it was for me that I picked out me ring, or at least narrow the choices down to rings I loved, then he offered to take me shopping. And now, I really think he values as much as I do that we are going through this process together. We are open, happy and excited, it''s a great time for us. He won''t stop talking about it now; he told me he has a date, and he told me about his plans for an engagement dinner later with both our families, where he will ask for my parents''s blessing and "officially" ask me to marry him in front of everyone!

Since your communications skills seem to be improving, here''s a chance to work them out a little more! Once he understands that all you want is to not have unrealistic expectations and knows what''s really important for you, there will be a lot more chances that he''ll give you a straight answer.

Good luck!

 

[Shawna13]

Oh sweetie... sorry you''re going through all this frustration. Seems to be the "been there, done that" for many many ladies (including me).

For men, they can tell you "I want to be with you for the rest of my life" but not be ready to be engaged. They can move in with you and can have kids with you and even pretty much plan out all the details of your future wedding.... but STILL not be ready to be engaged. "Not yet" or "I need more time" could mean a bizillion different things only understandable by the male mind. This is especially true if your guy doesn''t really care too much about actually getting married. Most women fantasize about it at some point in their lives, and so do some men!

I think the problem is that although these wonderful men in our lives love and cherish us and want to be with us forever... but never actually take the time to really really think what being married means. They''re happy for all their guy friends who get married, and we have to attend every one of their stinking weddings every once in a while looking at the boy with that "okay... so is it our turn next?" look and just getting a smile back. Guys just don''t think about the actual getting engaged and being married part. Things are scarier when you don''t know much about them and don''t think about them. My guy (now fiance of 1.5 months) said he wasn''t ready too although we were already planning out our destination wedding. He wasn''t ready to be the "FIANCE" and have to answer the millions of questions about "when are you getting married?" and "where?" and "when are you having kids, etc, etc, etc....". Cause once you''re engaged, it''s all about the wedding... planning, answering questions, etc. PLUS.... getting married is a scary thing for men or women. We might be so excited to get married... but everyone gets cold feet or just starts doubting what they''re doing at some point. And if you aren''t engaged yet, you don''t really have to deal with that.

Until you are engaged.... all there is is you and him.... no stress of planning a wedding... no pressure from anyone about having babies... just two people in love who want to be together in a relationship. These guys frustrate the living heck out of us.... but they are probably just thinking in much more simpler terms and really do want to be together.

I''m sure he has tons of mental preparations to go through.... as does everyone. And, hopefully, like many other guys.... one day something will just "click" in his head when he suddenly just has to propose to you!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/13/2006 3:43:42 PM
Author: AmandaPanda

I feel like I''ve given him enough ''outs'' that if he really wanted to end it, he would have. I even told him that if he didn''t want to be the one breaking up with me (one of his issues) that I would leave then and there and it would be the end of it. He empatically said that that''s not what he wants.

Well, I guess I see it the other way. If he really wanted to *ask*, he would have.

I personally think he doesn''t want anything to change. He has you without any commitment. Of course he doesn''t want anything to change.

 

[Mara]

AP, do you ever think you could put your foot down and be like me or the highway? Maybe that's what he needs! Seriously men can be such laggarts....I'd really be questioning if he is just not ready yet in general or is he just not ready to be married to you...there is a difference unfortunately, some guys are happy forever just not making that committment and if the gal lets them, well there's no incentive to change the situation. I was not willing to wait around hoping against hope that my guy would eventually be ready, funny how ready they CAN become when they know that it's action time. Or not.

 

[aljdewey]

I gotta point this out, too......

You say "everyone but me".....but have you talked to any of those nine women to find out what made it happen? I guess I'm just thinking that many of those nine women may have been in similar situations. I'm thinking the only difference between them and you is this: none of them would accept an indefinite future with no commitment, and when their BFs realized this, they acted.

Ask Nytemist......she knows. Push came to shove, she said 'I refuse to accept less than what I deserve', scared the crap out of him,

and VOILA......amazing how quickly he's ready now. Totally, full-tilt ready.

Either he wants to or he doesn't. Either way, it's time to know.

In your shoes, I'd certainly want to speak to some of them and find out what happened to make things progress. You may be very surprised.

 

[Caribou]

I have to add that your comment 'if he really wanted to end it he would have' really bothered me.

This is not true. I've been in a couple of relationships where I've thought that. Did they want it to end? No, but that doesn't mean they wanted the same thing as me. And why would they end it when I did so much for them...they benefitted a great deal from being with me (I did their laundry, cleaned their house, paid some bills). Granted, I'm sure your relationship is not like those.... just don't get trap in the 'if he wanted to end it' thoughts.... you need to take care of yourself first. You need to find out why it's is taking so long and figure out from there what you want.

 

[ammayernyc]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I''m not really ready to give an ultimatum, although I''m sure I will at some point. I''ve decided to give it to my birthday (April) before I talk to him again. I do push a little harder each time we chat.

I know that part of the problem is that I let it slide for so long. But honestly, I wasn''t ready to get married until maybe last year and so I figured that there was no reason to push him if I was unsure myself. Financially, we don''t need each other. We both have our own money. We take care of each other in other ways, both equally. His family life is extremely different from mine, and I think that has a lot to do with it.

I think it''s the concept of marriage that scares him. Basically, we live like a married couple.

All of the couples that are getting married this year are so different from each other. One had her folks talk to him. One has been engaged for two years. One has been dating for seven. One gave him an ultimatum. So, I''m not sure how much knowledge I can really gain from finding out what I can do to get my bf to propose.

He''s making such great progress... I just want him to get there faster!

 

[perry]

Amanda:

It''s been a long time since I dropped in on the LIW forum....

I would like to offer a comparison. To this day (actually yesturday was our last conversation on this) "D" tells me that I''m the one that she wants to marry.... when she get other things straigthened out - and it''s not time yet.... Of course, I don''t see a single indicatation that she is really doing anything to straighten things out.

She even knows that I am out looking for others....

I think you need to face the fact - perhaps soon - that it may take forever - ifever- for him to decide it is time; and you deserve better than that.

Might I suggest that you rent a small side apartment (at least for several months - where you can get away on your own some) and indicate that you are ready to move on in life - and that it is his choice that will determine yours....

Perry

 

[moon river]

Date: 2/19/2006 9:35:12 AM
Author: perry
Amanda:

It''s been a long time since I dropped in on the LIW forum....

I would like to offer a comparison. To this day (actually yesturday was our last conversation on this) ''D'' tells me that I''m the one that she wants to marry.... when she get other things straigthened out - and it''s not time yet.... Of course, I don''t see a single indicatation that she is really doing anything to straighten things out.

She even knows that I am out looking for others....

I think you need to face the fact - perhaps soon - that it may take forever - ifever- for him to decide it is time; and you deserve better than that.

Might I suggest that you rent a small side apartment (at least for several months - where you can get away on your own some) and indicate that you are ready to move on in life - and that it is his choice that will determine yours....

Perry

Perry, maybe knowing you''re attempting to move on is the thing she needs to realize what she lost! Don''t let her keep you in limbo, but keep in mind ''you don''t miss the water til the well runs dry''

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it can seem unbearable while waiting. In fact, in the nearly 4 years Weston and I have been together, I have had a cousin and my best friend meet their SOs, get married and have big weddings, and now both of them are getting divorced - one after 2 years and another after only one year. I realized that it was silly to be jealous of these women simply because they had the commitment, the engagement, and the wedding - they didn't have the right kind of love from their SOs, which is obviously paramount to a successful relationship.

We're women - we dwell on marriage as the ultimate commitment, where men can sometimes believe themselves to be so committed to you that they actually feel married already. I have a male colleague who I have chatted with about the whole "why is he waiting to propose to me?" phenomenon . . . and he told me "I'm honestly glad Mindi pushed me and gave me subtle ultimatums. If she hadn't, I wouldn't have my beautiful wife of 8 years, nor my 2 gorgeous daughters. Sometimes guys just need to know what they will miss out on to light a fire under their arse."

It's amazing the arguments that we had about getting engaged and when - it was the ONLY thing we ever argued about, but it was the only thing I felt certain I needed to hold my ground on. I asked for a deadline, and I was thinking girl soon, and he was definitely on a boy soon timeline. But that conversation was exactly what we needed - to understand expectations on both sides and to make any compromises that were needed to make each other happy. I think the best way to approach your BF may just be to simply ask if he intends to marry you, and to give you a timeline for action. I did this, averaged our timelines out and I set an internal deadline. Simply because of outside circumstances, my FI made it perfectly on time. You also mentioned that your BF has been extra affectionate, and I really noticed this while Weston was working on the engagement ring.

I wish you the best of luck, and as you know, your LIWs are always here to give you the support you need.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 2/13/2006 3:16:48 PM
Author: AmandaPanda
I have talked to him about it. It''s gone from ''I''m not ready yet'' to ''I need more time.'' How much, I''m not sure. But we need to renew our lease this summer and we''ve planned trips for May and for August, so I know he believes I''ll be in his future.

Not to be the voice of doom, but there''s a big difference between ''In his future" and "being his future". While I may also be impatient because my guy isn''t quite ready, I also never doubt he really wants to be married to me.

That said I do feel your fustration. Both of our siblings are engaged and getting married before us. It''s a tad irritating.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 2/13/2006 11:20:18 PM
Author: Shawna13
Oh sweetie... sorry you''re going through all this frustration. Seems to be the ''been there, done that'' for many many ladies (including me).

For men, they can tell you ''I want to be with you for the rest of my life'' but not be ready to be engaged. They can move in with you and can have kids with you and even pretty much plan out all the details of your future wedding.... but STILL not be ready to be engaged. ''Not yet'' or ''I need more time'' could mean a bizillion different things only understandable by the male mind. This is especially true if your guy doesn''t really care too much about actually getting married. Most women fantasize about it at some point in their lives, and so do some men!

I think the problem is that although these wonderful men in our lives love and cherish us and want to be with us forever... but never actually take the time to really really think what being married means. They''re happy for all their guy friends who get married, and we have to attend every one of their stinking weddings every once in a while looking at the boy with that ''okay... so is it our turn next?'' look and just getting a smile back. Guys just don''t think about the actual getting engaged and being married part. Things are scarier when you don''t know much about them and don''t think about them. My guy (now fiance of 1.5 months) said he wasn''t ready too although we were already planning out our destination wedding. He wasn''t ready to be the ''FIANCE'' and have to answer the millions of questions about ''when are you getting married?'' and ''where?'' and ''when are you having kids, etc, etc, etc....''. Cause once you''re engaged, it''s all about the wedding... planning, answering questions, etc. PLUS.... getting married is a scary thing for men or women. We might be so excited to get married... but everyone gets cold feet or just starts doubting what they''re doing at some point. And if you aren''t engaged yet, you don''t really have to deal with that.

Until you are engaged.... all there is is you and him.... no stress of planning a wedding... no pressure from anyone about having babies... just two people in love who want to be together in a relationship. These guys frustrate the living heck out of us.... but they are probably just thinking in much more simpler terms and really do want to be together.

I''m sure he has tons of mental preparations to go through.... as does everyone. And, hopefully, like many other guys.... one day something will just ''click'' in his head when he suddenly just has to propose to you!!

I think you have a HUGE TRMENDOUS point here!