Everything went down the drain....

[diamond12]

Hi everyone,
I''m really upset and hurt that I have no where else to turn. My BF and I purchased a franchise together very recently. We got into a fight yesterday which has snowballed, to the point that he said he wants out of the business. He told me to give him his half of the investment in 30 days.

Let me give you a little history on him. He''s the type of person that makes decisions on emotion. He has in the past acted this way and has broken up with me as well. He has packed his stuff and left. Last time he did this, he was gone for 2 weeks. (stayed at his mother''s, he''s 32 years old). Then he came back apologizing and stating that he thought a lot while he was gone and knew that he wanted to be with me and marry me and that was his intention. Basically that''s why he came back. He wanted to work things out. Hence, that''s why I agreed to go into business with him. I thought he had grown out of this, behavior. He''s the type that when things add up and he is completely stressed, he explodes, and the first thing he gets rid of is me. This time he did it with the business. The next is the relationship.

We had talked about rings just last week, he gave me a 12K dollar budget, and he said "go do your homework on rings and report to me what you find." Just SUNDAY, morning he talked about proposals and whether he would cry or I would cry, where would I expect or not expect the proposal to be. This was great progress, and I can''t tell you how happy I was "doing my homework".

Now I have been upset and crying for the past two days and don''t know what is going to happen. What got me too, was that he told me that he doesn;t want to get married, but would get married to make ME HAPPY. He said that he doesn''t need a piece of paper to tell him that he''s married. (He''s divorced, and it wasn''t pretty. It was very lengthy which has left him with a sour taste in his mouth about marriage) He said that he would only do it because it was something that meant a lot to me, and that was going to make me happy.

I had no choice but to contacct the CEO of the franchise, and let her know. This is a very friendly caring franchise. there are 11 owners so far. I did not want to tel her, but her assistant had a meeting with me, so i couldn''t help to break down and cry. He advise me to tell her or that he would have to. So I did. She told me to just give him a few days to cool off and then talk to him. That he probably needs sometime to process what he has said. I will not give up the business so if he does mean it, I will have to give him his half. I sure did not want to do this alone. This was something we were so excited about. I HAD TO QUIT MY JOB IN ORDER TO RUN THIS, HE DID NOT!! I''ve lost my medical and dental insurance and mind you my annual salary. I am in shock, but I can not give it up and walk away. this is all I have.

I just feel so rese resentful of the fact that he thinks he can just walk away and that''s it!. I mean it''s not like we purchased a t.v. and want to return it. I don''t know what is going to happen with our relationship. I just feel so stupid for having made decisions with him, beleiving in him. Mind you if he leaves, I will be left with a $4000 dollar mortgage. the house is in my name. which is another issue. We got this house so that all of our kids could have their own bedrooms. (I have 2 and he has 2) I have accomodated his kids with their own room , they''re here every other weekend!!! He could not put his name on the house, because the divorce was not final. Now this.

I don''t know what to do or what will happen. I love the guy and we have been through a lot. somehow someway we have managed to hang in there. its been 3.5 years. i''m just beside myself. I just can''t seem to put it all in place.

I know that if he truly leaves the business, i could not help but to feel resentment towards him for dumping it on me. I just don;t know where I will find the strength to handle the business and the break-ip and the financila mess.

 

[robbie3982]

I''m so sorry that you have to deal with this.

Has your bf tried counseling before? I think if you plan on staying with him that you need to tell him he has to go to therapy. His temper reminds me a lot of my father''s. It''s not pretty and it only (in my experience at least) gets worse over time with no help.

Marriage or even a committed relationship is just that, committed through good times and bad times. There will always be stresses in life. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to find another outlet. You both need to be able to feel safe in the relationship and he''s making it really hard by quitting all the time!

I think you need to take a long hard look at the situation and what you want. Don''t even factor in the things that are tying you together right now. Ignore the house and the business. I know that it seems like your lives are so entwined right now and that you''re in a really tough spot financially, but you shouldn''t stay with him just because it''s easier (I''m not saying you are, but it''s something to think about).

::hugs::

 

[bubbly1126]

Aww. I don''t even know what to say, really.

I think you should definitely give him some time to cool off. He''s obviously upset and as you''ve said, he tends to do this. So give him his space and when he comes to you just talk to him about everything you just said. Your fears of giving everything up just to have to do this all yourself, possibly losing him, etc.

If he decides to end it with you (which I really hope does not happen) then I would tell him that this is the last time he is going to do this to you. That you''ve stuck around before when he did this and you''re not about to go through it again just to have it happen again down the road. There is only so much a person can take and you need someone that isn''t going to blow up over things and have the first thing he gets rid of is you. That''s a bad, bad thing. Perhaps he sees you as the thing that makes everything go wrong. (Not saying YOU are the problem because really, the only person who knows why he reacts this way is HIM and he needs to figure out why.) It could be just that he doesn''t know how to handle stress. Who knows? Not you. Probably not even him but as I said, he needs to figure it out.

My point: Stand your ground and don''t let him treat you like he does. You''re a COUPLE. When things go wrong you''re supposed to stick together.

Cheer up though. I''m sure he''ll come around but when he does it''s important to stay calm and TALK IT OUT.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I would give him some time to cool off and then talk to him. Then get him in some anger management and counseling. His explosive behavior could rupture into something else.

As far as the house....
If you have lived together for a long period of time, he may be financially liable reguardless if his name is on the lease or not. It all depends on where you live.

I would also have a long talk with his mother. Obviously she knows his behavior and is not in the dark about it. See what she says.

Also he entered into a contract. He is legally obligated to maintain his side of the contract. I doubt even on the best of circumstances he would get his $$ in 30 days.

How long ago did he explode like this before this incident??

 

[decodelighted]

Contact a lawyer. You are going to need one. You don''t want to be in business or be tied to someone who would behave so recklessly & emotionally. PERIOD.

What could the fight have possibly been about? Lemmie guess -- he was jealous ... or he felt out of "control" ... or you confronted him about a bad habit of his...??

 

[diamond12]

Alexis.
the last time he did this was in June. His mom knows he has a temper, but since he is her favorite, she would be more than thrilled if he were to move out and move in with her! I purchased the house, so he has not ties with it. He just contributes to the mortgage and pays all of the utilites and car ins.

 

[diamond12]

decodelighted,
No it wasn''t as simple as that. He became involved as a distibutor for some sales company which will make a lot of $$. He did not add my name on that contract because only one person could get a 1099. I did not want the 1099, but he was ALLOWED TO ADD 2 NAMES, but one person has to get 1099. He did not add me on, and I got upset. I know i would have heard it if I did that to him. That''s how it all snowballed.

 

[onedrop]

I am really sorry to read about your situation. Normally I would not have commented, but I feel compelled this time because I have a girlfriend going through a separation and possible divorce whose husband's actions were similar to your BF's. She found out about his volatility only after they got married. What you said in your post about your BF acting on emotion and leaving for days and weeks at a time sounds just like my friend's soon to be ex. They have been married for 5 years with him leaving and coming back after getting angry (for almost any reason) several times. So what you said about your BF's actions during disagreements hit home to me.

This GF that I mentioned is a really kind and giving person and it was sad to see her going through all these changes for the jerk she's married to so maybe I am little raw emotionally right now concerning topics like this. However, I just feel your BF's current actions are very telling concerning how he will act in the future. You have already said this is a pattern for him. It's probably a good bet that if he is storming out and threatening to sever ties at every disagreement, he will carry the same course of action into your marriage. I agree about letting him cool off for a couple of days because this could be just another in a series of tantrums. However I do feel that he needs to learn some skills to deal with his anger. It's just unfair for him to put you through the ringer every time he gets upset. And if he refuses to deal with his anger management issues, then you will have to decide if the current life is one you can deal with long-term.

ETA: I just re-read your first post and there was a sentence in there where you said that your BF was willing to get married only because it would make YOU happy. Did he say this when he was angry?? If not, then that part is the most telling. Forget all the business and anger management issues and $$$. I realize folks get married for all different reasons, but do you really want to be married to a man that didn't REALLY want to be married again? It seems that it would make it that much harder to deal with the ups and downs knowing that he really was going through with a marriage just to make me happy. You really deserve to be in partnership where both parties entered into it willingly. Just my 2 cents.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/2/2007 9:05:56 PM
Author: diamond12
He became involved as a distibutor for some sales company which will make a lot of $$. He did not add my name on that contract because only one person could get a 1099. I did not want the 1099, but he was ALLOWED TO ADD 2 NAMES, but one person has to get 1099. He did not add me on, and I got upset.

So does this mean he now has a new, solo stream of income? Could that development have emboldened him to abandon a business you *both* were to profit from? Could he feel he no longer "needs" that shared biz ... or your shared home??

Yeesh. I stand by the "get a lawyer" advice.

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree, getting a good lawyer is key. You have to protect yourself. I am sorry you are going through this, must be very tough. I think he''s got some issues that need to be looked into, so counseling would e a good idea. Stress happens, it''s how you deal with it that matters. If he''s going to run for the hills every time you hit a rough patch, then I''d have to ask, how''s that going to work for you long term??

 

[TravelingGal]

I read this before I went to dinner but thought I''d digest it and come back to it later.

You do NOT want to marry someone with anger issues. IMHO, there is almost nothing worse. I speak from experience with my father, as to a far far lesser extent, TGuy.

TGuy has anger issues, but they are not unmanageable and he fully acknowledges them. We work through it. But it can be TOUGH. I fell in love with him long before I knew what it would be like (oh the joys of long distance), but he had told me from day one that he has them. Of course, we were traipsing around Europe then so it was pretty hard to believe, even though I took his word for it.

I would definitely marry him again, even knowing what I know now. Fortunately, as I said, his anger is manageable. It''s not full scale rage. But I still would not recommend it to anyone.

That being said, I agree...get a lawyer. You''re about to be screwed on your house. I think most real estate laws are strict...there has to be paperwork or else. As for the business, I don''t have too much advice there. If you gave him his share, do you think he would be fair and give you your share of the house? Hm.

Even if he DOES come around and you take him back...do you want a lifetime dealing with this?

 

[diamondfan]

I am sorry for your troubles, but think that there is a bigger picture issue here. I do not think I could be married to someone who handled their stress in this manner. What if you have a small child and he does this to you? He is not stable in how he manages his anger and I think that it is naive and reckless to pretend otherwise. I would try to resolve my business connections, but would not be so quick to take an "angry divorced and only marrying you cause YOU want it runs from a problem" kind of man back into my life. You are being giving the chance to do the right thing, you are finding this out NOW before marriage and possible kids. Please get him to get some help and learn to more mature in how he manages his anger and his stress. You will be much happier for it. I cannot imagine you would like to live this way forever...

 

[diamond12]

thank you all for your kind words. i know that i need to open my eyes. As far as the house is concerned it is mine. I am on title and loan not him. I would be stuck with the mortgage. As far as having kids, we have our own, and are not open at all to having OUR OWN. Its just sooooooooo hard to let go. I know that this has been a roller coaster ride and I have realized now by all of you that he has an anger issue. I don''t know what will happen, but I think I need to put my foot down or just let go. i don''t know it just hurts sssssooooooooo bad. thank you all so very much

 

[jamiesorr]

I agree about the lawyer. What I am also concerned with are your children. Does he pack up his 2 and take them with him when he leaves or does he leave when they are with their mother? And what about your children, do they see this whole drama take place?. Either way, I would not want to raise children in that environment. Like others here, from past experiences I have learned that if children see this behavior at home they think that it is a perfectly acceptable way to act. I would take some time to think about some things.

Are you happy with this man now? Will you ever be?
What is this doing to your children? Are they happy?

I wouldn''t worry about the money problems, they can be fixed with some sacrifices. ie selling the house that will be too big for you if he leaves anyway. Also, you might look at finding a new business partner

Good luck and I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/2/2007 11:55:44 PM
Author: diamond12
thank you all for your kind words. i know that i need to open my eyes. As far as the house is concerned it is mine. I am on title and loan not him. I would be stuck with the mortgage. As far as having kids, we have our own, and are not open at all to having OUR OWN. Its just sooooooooo hard to let go. I know that this has been a roller coaster ride and I have realized now by all of you that he has an anger issue. I don''t know what will happen, but I think I need to put my foot down or just let go. i don''t know it just hurts sssssooooooooo bad. thank you all so very much

I know it''s easier said than done. But rip the bandaid off. Don''t think about it too much while you are doing it. Quickly set all the things you need to do in motion...you will have time to reflect, and yes, mourn later. Getting through the pain will be a tad easier once you''re at the point of no return.

 

[diamondfan]

Diamond, of course it hurts, you care about him. But don''t you care more about yourself? I am not telling you to stay or go, just asking you to think about how you want to live, and if this man behaves in a manner you think is fine for your life. Personally, I would not want to be on eggshells, so I would demand he get some counseling and I would take things slowly. Then I could maybe see if things have really changed. None of these decisions are easy or pleasant, but you deserve to be treated well. Good luck in whatever you decide, and please keep coming here for support.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 10/2/2007 9:02:04 PM
Author: diamond12
Alexis.
the last time he did this was in June. His mom knows he has a temper, but since he is her favorite, she would be more than thrilled if he were to move out and move in with her! I purchased the house, so he has not ties with it. He just contributes to the mortgage and pays all of the utilites and car ins.

Seems to me like his mother is on the long river of DeNILE. She needs to open her eyes to the fact that she is enabling him buy having a ''back'' way out.....I am assuming he has siblings? Since you said he was the favorite...can you talk to them??..

The reason I asked about the house is depending on how long you have lived together there may be an implied agreement for housing and bills....etc...there is here...dont know about u....I would get a lawyer and talk to them about it....IF you decide to let him come back I would get it all in writing...the contract, the bills....then if he does it again....then you have a backdrop.

But I would demand he seek couseling.....

ETA: Is it possible he has bipolar? His actions seem erratic..........

 

[bee*]

I agree with some of the other girls-get a lawyer. I know that it must be so painful to think about breaking up and setting up the business that the two of you were meant to run together alone, but it will be better in the long run. You have seen his behaviour before you get married, be thankful for that as a lot of people don''t see this type of behaviour until afterwards. If he has broken up with you before, I think that he will do it again. Set up this franchise by yourself (obviously provided you can afford to), make it successful. He sounds like he has a lot of issues that he needs to work through before he can be fully involved in a relationship. It would worry me so much that he just takes off like that and goes to his moms. Hope things will work out for you and if you need to talk anymore, we''re all here!

 

[risingsun]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This man, if you stay with him, will continue to explode, threaten, intimidate, and run away. Just because he demands his money, doesn't mean he's entitled to it. See a lawyer. I know that your emotions are very much involved, but this person is a threat to you and your children's financial security. Please don't let him get away with it. You need protection against him and you need it ASAP.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I am not even reading any of the replies before I respond to say Let Him Go. He is immature and childish and you will living from one explosion to the next if you get back together with him.