Ex boyfriend is married!

[caligal]

Just a forewarning... I might get a bit whiney in this post...

I found out this morning my ex boyfriend is married. Such an interesting way to find out, as his book is published he sent me a link to the online sales which has his bio in it stating he is married. We dated for about a year, during which time I was under the assumption he was an eternal bachelor and really didn''t want to get married. Two weeks after we broke up, I started dating my now boyfriend who''ve I been with for 2 years this Sunday (YAY!).

I have NO desire to entertain any thought of being with the ex, so it''s not that I''m not the one he''s with that bothers me. I''m very happy in my current relationship! What bothers me is that I he''s married! I know it''s silly, but I wonder how in the world he got married first and at all to be honest! Then it makes me question myself... am I just the girl noone wants to marry? Do I do something horribly wrong? Am I just too ugly/fat/many other bad things to be a wife?

The funny thing is that I have a wonderful guy who is loving, supportive, and wants to get engaged this fall. I guess in the back of my mind I don''t believe it until I see it, so to say.

 

[bookworm21]

Awww cali....that sucks. It's not you, it's him. Ever watch that Sex and the City episode where the girls are talking about marriage and difference between girls and guys? Girls go through life imagining how their wedding will be and planning everything as they're growing up. They're always on the lookout for Mr. Right. Guys are like cabs. They go around, unavailable for hire, until suddenly, WHAM! They're ready for marriage and will marry the first girl that comes along.

Of course, I don't know how true that is, it is a TV show after all. But his marrying someone else had absolutely nothing to do with you. It just wasn't meant to be. Look at how happy you are now in your current relationship. I'm the type of person who believes that things happen for a reason, and the reason in your case is that you guys weren't meant to be together.

Chin up, girlie, and stop thinking that the reason he didn't marry you was because you were fat/bad wife material or whatever. Don't ever let a guy make you think that way about yourself.

Hope you feel better.

ETA: And why in the world would he send you a link to his book?!? Just so you can find out he's married? I wouldn't think twice about it if you two had kept in touch on a regular basis, but if he emailed you the link out of the blue, his motives are definitely suspect.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 6/30/2006 2:00:38 PM
Author: Cinderella
Awww cali....that sucks. It''s not you, it''s him. Ever watch that Sex and the City episode where the girls are talking about marriage and difference between girls and guys? Girls go through life imagining how their wedding will be and planning everything as they''re growing up. They''re always on the lookout for Mr. Right. Guys are like cabs. They go around, unavailable for hire, until suddenly, WHAM! They''re ready for marriage and will marry the first girl that comes along.

Of course, I don''t know how true that is, it is a TV show after all. But his marrying someone else had absolutely nothing to do with you. It just wasn''t meant to be. Look at how happy you are now in your current relationship. I''m the type of person who believes that things happen for a reason, and the reason in your case is that you guys weren''t meant to be together.

Chin up, girlie, and stop thinking that the reason he didn''t marry you was because you were fat/bad wife material or whatever. Don''t ever let a guy make you think that way about yourself.

Hope you feel better.

ETA: And why in the world would he send you a link to his book?!? Just so you can find out he''s married? I wouldn''t think twice about it if you two had kept in touch on a regular basis, but if he emailed you the link out of the blue, his motives are definitely suspect.

My thoughts exactly...imho, he realized he made a huge mistake in losing you and sent you the link so you''d find out he''s married to try to get a rise out of you.

Ok I''m half kidding, but you haven''t spoken him since your breakup and all of a sudden he plugs his book/bio, hmm. Smile girl!

 

[AmberWaves]

Oh Cali.

The same thing happened to me, too. And it was also the "It''s not that I want him, or anything like that, but why the hell did he marry first?" And it was also the I wasn''t good enough at the time, but then along came that cab and he married her! I had the same feelings, like what is it about HER that made him commit? All this happened before i was engaged and before the ring, and it was so a soft spot. Then you realize there are reasons you break up with people, and those are GOOD reasons. Now he''s someone else''s problem. What book is it? I won''t buy it on principle.

Good luck, and enjoy your ANNIVERSARY to the GOOD man you will msrry soon.

 

[sk8rjen]

Caligal, it sucks that we as women have to feel a minute of "bad" about these things, doesn''t it? But the other ladies are right, and I know you know it in your heart -- there''s nothing wrong with *you*! I''d suspect also that he sent you the link to make sure you noticed he was married (Guys are weird like that) Probably expects you''ll be proud of him or something

It was obviously the wrong timing for the 2 of you and now you have the man you are planning your life with, so just remember that and be happy! I am willing to bet there''s a tad bit of jealousy on your part too -- he married first. My ex (before my ex-husband) did something like that and it burned like hell. He moved in with someone almost immediately after he moved away when we broke up. He''s still with her (12 years later!) but has never married her. See? There ARE good reasons we move on in life...

I''m sorry you''re bummed over this, though.(( hugs))

jen

 

[Mara]

oh it has nothing to do with you!

it just wasn't the right relationship for either of you. it's not uncommon at all for one girl to help get a man ready for the next girl who typically is the one he marries!! boys.

that sex and the city episode was so spot on with the whole cab light thing on and if he is ready the light is on and sometimes it goes on with the next girl right after you, blah blah.

my now husband dated a gal for a year before breaking it off and then moving to CA a few months later, where we met up 6 months later, and then 2 years later we were engaged. but she got married in that meantime too...i think she was even married before we were engaged as well. so their relationship was definitely not the right one for THEM to take that next step but they both found happiness with other people.

hey at least he didn't turn gay after dating you! see...small silver lining? hehee. just kidding.

 

[eleguin]

Caligal, there''s nothing wrong with you! Timing can be a strange thing, we never really know when things will happen for anyone. It''s great that you are happy with your current boyfriend. That''s what''s really important.

I can actually relate to you though. When I was 15, I fell really really hard for my first boyfriend, who was an absolute charmer who convinced me that we would be together forever and I was naive enough to believe it. He ended up breaking my heart and it took me years to get over him. But now I''m engaged to my bf of 5 years and couldn''t be happier. Just two weeks ago, I heard from a friend that my first boyfriend had proposed to his now girlfriend. Bizzare that he got engaged just one month after I did! And what is the most bizarre of all is that I found out that my fiance''s brother has somehow become very close friends with him and might be his best man! It was shock after shock to have news of someone I had written off as a memory of a complicated past. I ended up telling my fiance about all of this, just so we don''t all inadvertently end up in the same room one day.

In the end, I realize that it doesn''t really matter what our exes are doing, who they are with. All that matters is our own relationships and what is real now. So be optimistic, hope you and bf will stay happy!

 

[Julian]

Hey Mara, you should start a life advice column or something. Seriously, you should be a talk show host or paper "Ask Mara" specialist.

That's spot on. I think it's all a matter of timing and the right girl. Sometimes one girl can get a man ready for marrying the next one. I thank the girl DH dated before me -- I feel like she "trained" him for me. He broke up with her and a year later, we met. And that was that.

If our men hadn't dated women before us and learned those lessons, they wouldn't be with us today. And they wouldn't be quite so wonderful.

I didn't want a clueless guy, and I'm sure you are happy you didn't get one either!

You are WONDERFUL! Sounds like he's wistful and not so happy in his marriage -- thus the tit-for-tat link to his bio. I know whenever I achieve something great, I'm not e-mailing exes about it. Aren't you so glad you didn't marry the "I e-mail exes about my bio" guy?

Breathe a sigh of relief! He did you a favor! Go celebrate by shopping for a new bag or something to treat yourself!

 

[caligal]

Thanks gals!

As usual, he sensed I was a bit out of sorts Friday night, so I told him about the email and how it made me angry. I didn''t go into the whole why her thing as I didn''t want him to get the wrong message that I had any desire what so ever regarding the ex. We talked about oodles of stuff, suffice it say it was a great conversation! And we celebrated 2 years together by hiking to a waterfall and enjoying some chocolate fondue in our new fondue pot- yummy!