Excuse the venting, and Need Advice

[Luckyeshe]

Let me start off by saying that I love my family. But, oh my...my Mom is driving me nuts!

We got engaged last month and the wedding isn''t until September 2010. But ever since FI and I have been engaged, my mom has just been forcing her opinion on us on what the wedding should be and where we should have our reception. FI and I are in a LDR and he won''t be in town again until the 4th of July. We haven''t had the talk about who''s paying for the wedding and what not but he and I have decided amongst ourselves that we have a budget and we want to take care of our wedding on our own. Of course this means that our wedding will be small which is perfectly fine with us. I live in Florida and his family is in California. He and I want a very small and initimate wedding and reception with less than 100 people. In my mind, I''ve envisioned a small garden wedding with a brunch reception in California. My mom wants a full Catholic church wedding with 200+ of her friends and our family in a full sit down evening reception. (Can you see the difference?...btw, he''s not Catholic and my mom wants him to become one and I refuse to force him into becoming Catholic just to marry me since it''s not the biggest most important thing to me

). Ever seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", yup, my family is a lot like that maybe a notch lower.

So now my mom is thinking that since we''re thinking the wedding will be in Cali that I think his family is more important than my own family. We personally can''t afford nor want 200+ people in the wedding. I thinks she is willing to pay for her friends she wants to invites but isn''t this suppose to be my day? What would be a good compromise? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!

 

[LilyKat]

Honestly, what is it with parents these days?

First, I think your idea of a small wedding you pay for yourselves is entirely reasonable. Sit down with your mother and tell her while you value her opinion, this is something you have decided with your fiance and it is not negotiable. Be nice but firm, and don't get drawn into arguments which will lead nowhere. Prepare for her to sulk and be unhappy, but give her a chance to cool down and come around. Personally I think unless faith is important to you and your fiance, trying to have a religious wedding to please someone else is a recipe for disaster.

Second, I can see why she might be disappointed at not being able to invite her friends and people she is close to in her hometown. So, why not let her have a party (pre or post-wedding), which she can host in your hometown, pay for, and generally take the lead on? That way, she can give free reign to her wishes and all you'll have to do is turn up, while you'll still get the wedding you want.

Ultimately, you can't please everyone, and you have to prepared for her to be upset. But being true to what you want, and upfront with her from the beginning, I think you're going to save yourselves about 15 months of turmoil and headache.

 

[emeraldlover1]

You need to have a discussion with your mom and tell her what you want.

 

[lala2332]

HUGS....weddings are so hard, especially the beginning, when everyone''s expectations are different. I had similar issues with FMIL..she wanted classic middle-class dream wedding. I did not. That got hard. Anyway, I think the key is to not fight and not let anyone plan anything until you have done research and some planning on your own. Make a wedding book, mine was a green binder from staples with clear pages so I could slide in all the stuff from magazines, and vendors in. Once you have some basics down, nothing booked, show it to your mom, so she can see the whole picture of how you invision your day. Right now the wedding is new and exciting and she has been dreaming about this too, but if you show her how lovely and intimate and sweet your plan is and how much it means to you, I bet she will calm down. Good luck!!!

 

[Honey228]

Date: 6/21/2009 10:23:05 AM
Author:Luckyeshe
Let me start off by saying that I love my family. But, oh my...my Mom is driving me nuts!

We got engaged last month and the wedding isn''t until September 2010. But ever since FI and I have been engaged, my mom has just been forcing her opinion on us on what the wedding should be and where we should have our reception. FI and I are in a LDR and he won''t be in town again until the 4th of July. We haven''t had the talk about who''s paying for the wedding and what not but he and I have decided amongst ourselves that we have a budget and we want to take care of our wedding on our own. Of course this means that our wedding will be small which is perfectly fine with us. I live in Florida and his family is in California. He and I want a very small and initimate wedding and reception with less than 100 people. In my mind, I''ve envisioned a small garden wedding with a brunch reception in California. My mom wants a full Catholic church wedding with 200+ of her friends and our family in a full sit down evening reception. (Can you see the difference?...btw, he''s not Catholic and my mom wants him to become one and I refuse to force him into becoming Catholic just to marry me since it''s not the biggest most important thing to me

). Ever seen the movie ''My Big Fat Greek Wedding'', yup, my family is a lot like that maybe a notch lower.


So now my mom is thinking that since we''re thinking the wedding will be in Cali that I think his family is more important than my own family. We personally can''t afford nor want 200+ people in the wedding. I thinks she is willing to pay for her friends she wants to invites but isn''t this suppose to be my day? What would be a good compromise? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Luckyeshe, you and I should start a club! I totally sympathize as I also am a September 2010 bride whose mother has already driven her nuts by questioning/second guessing my wedding decisions. I have a non-Catholic FI and a Catholic family, but I don''t feel that FI should have to convert just to marry me when religion is not important to him. I also strongly want a small, intimate wedding with fewer than 100 guests.

I''d talk to your FI. I think it helped me knowing that FI and I would present a united front in regards to pursuing a wedding that fits OUR vision. And after several rounds of me sharing my ideas with my mother, my mother making some worrisome comment and then suggesting something else, and me defending my original idea with logic, it''s occurred to me that my mother just *really* can''t help herself from giving her two cents. So I just have to find a way that makes her feel involved, but keep it clear that she''s not necessarily going to change anything. The fact that you''re paying for this wedding on your own should help.

I think a small garden wedding with a brunch reception would be beautiful! It would bug me to have people that I don''t know invited to my wedding. But I like LilyKat''s suggestion of letting your mother throw you a party in FL and inviting those people to that. Out of curiosity, how did you pick California over Florida?

Best of luck and remember, we have 15 months of this ahead! Try not to stress and enjoy the process.

 

[lliang_chi]

Lucky,

I think Lily has a great suggestion about a FL wedding pre/post-party. It''s a great way to compromise. Also you should firmly tell her that you do NOT want a large wedding. Good luck!

 

[honey22]

Date: 6/21/2009 1:05:38 PM
Author: lliang_chi
Lucky,


I think Lily has a great suggestion about a FL wedding pre/post-party. It''s a great way to compromise. Also you should firmly tell her that you do NOT want a large wedding. Good luck!

Ditto! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not give into her wishes and be another bride that regrets her that her wedding was the one her mother wanted and not what she wanted. You only get this day once, it''s very special to you, and you shouldn''t have to share it with 200+ people that you don''t want there!!!!!

 

[Kelli]

Date: 6/21/2009 10:50:26 AM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly, what is it with parents these days?

First, I think your idea of a small wedding you pay for yourselves is entirely reasonable. Sit down with your mother and tell her while you value her opinion, this is something you have decided with your fiance and it is not negotiable. Be nice but firm, and don''t get drawn into arguments which will lead nowhere. Prepare for her to sulk and be unhappy, but give her a chance to cool down and come around. Personally I think unless faith is important to you and your fiance, trying to have a religious wedding to please someone else is a recipe for disaster.

Second, I can see why she might be disappointed at not being able to invite her friends and people she is close to in her hometown. So, why not let her have a party (pre or post-wedding), which she can host in your hometown, pay for, and generally take the lead on? That way, she can give free reign to her wishes and all you''ll have to do is turn up, while you''ll still get the wedding you want.

Ultimately, you can''t please everyone, and you have to prepared for her to be upset. But being true to what you want, and upfront with her from the beginning, I think you''re going to save yourselves about 15 months of turmoil and headache.

I agree with everything here! There''s no easy way to deal with moms who want what they want, but sometimes it has to be done. It is YOUR wedding!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/21/2009 10:50:26 AM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly, what is it with parents these days?

First, I think your idea of a small wedding you pay for yourselves is entirely reasonable. Sit down with your mother and tell her while you value her opinion, this is something you have decided with your fiance and it is not negotiable. Be nice but firm, and don''t get drawn into arguments which will lead nowhere. Prepare for her to sulk and be unhappy, but give her a chance to cool down and come around. Personally I think unless faith is important to you and your fiance, trying to have a religious wedding to please someone else is a recipe for disaster.

Second, I can see why she might be disappointed at not being able to invite her friends and people she is close to in her hometown. So, why not let her have a party (pre or post-wedding), which she can host in your hometown, pay for, and generally take the lead on? That way, she can give free reign to her wishes and all you''ll have to do is turn up, while you''ll still get the wedding you want.

Ultimately, you can''t please everyone, and you have to prepared for her to be upset. But being true to what you want, and upfront with her from the beginning, I think you''re going to save yourselves about 15 months of turmoil and headache.

I''ll second "that what is it with parents these days"?

I think LilyKat has the best idea i have heard in ages! You be the master of your wedding and she can keep busy with hers... love it!

 

[princessplease]

LilyKat''s idea is great!!! I really think you should explain what you said to us to mom. You have to do it your way or the echoes of regret may come into play about the wedding. If you talk to mom, let us know how it goes. Good luck!

 

[Luckyeshe]

Ladies, thanks so much for your advice. It helps to know that I''m not the only one who is going thru this. Honey228, I am officially a member of your club!! We picked California because it''s where he was born and his family is there.

I spoke with FI and when he gets into town, we''re gonna sit down and write down everything we want out of OUR wedding and then discuss with my mom. You ladies are right that it''s my day and not hers. I guess I grew up where when you were little your parents thought and talked for you and it''s their opinion that matters the most since they''re your parents. Well, I was born in the Philippines and raised in the USA and when I finally grew up I actually turned out to be more independent and opinionated than either of my parents expected. My dad accepted it, my mom on the other hand does not. But I do appreciate having this community to help me see the light and have you ladies for my support. I appreciate it!