Expense Vent....

[Luckyeshe]

We originally wanted a DW and he and I discussed that we were comfortable having a very very very small wedding. We budgeted $5k was what we were comfortable with. Unfortunately, I come from a very large asian family with a huge extended family and my mom freaked out. We had a discussion where she told us that she was willing to contribute. She told us that she''s going to pay for anyone she invites so we would need to find a venue to fit about 150 guest. Ok, so from a very very small wedding/reception which we knew we''d have been able to afford, our day has now tripled in amount of guest and venue cost and other things....His family will contribute about $2-3k. Now we''re looking at a max of a budget of $12-13k between FI and I, my parents, and his mom. Fast forward to the other day...my mom ask me again how much we''re going to be putting into the wedding and when we told her that it''s still $5k between the two of us, she freaks and says that''s not enough for the wedding...grrrrr......I thought that we had this conversation already! Should I just have it in writing for her and show her the break down of expenses?! I don''t get it...she tells me that she doesn''t want to spend too much for a wedding and tells me that it''s only one day and that we should save money...but the next instance she turns around and says that we don''t have a big enough budget. What should I do? This is more a vent than anything. I needed to get it off my chest....

I don''t have all the numbers yet for expense since our wedding isn''t until Sept. 2010 and we just wanted to enjoy being engaged a little longer before getting down to the nitty gritty. For having over a year left to plan our wedding, we''d already picked out what our invites will look like, the groom''s and GM''s clothes, our photog, the wedding party, we have the top 3 venues to see and choose his next trip here then put a downpayment on it, cake, hairstylist, makeup artist, and our flowers/centerpieces. The caterer is the biggest thing truly left to do. I know that there are others, and I''m not really done with the planning but I feel that we''re ahead of schedule. *Sigh* I''m just frustrated. I hope your wedding planning is going much better than mine, ladies!

 

[cocolaw]

i''m sorry! i know how frustrating that must be. i think you need to kindly remind your mother that the only reason that you are not having a small wedding is that she offered on paying for and insisted on having a larger wedding. don''t get burned out at the beginning! i would go ahead and decide on the venue and then make other decisions as you want, but don''t let yourself feel pressured or burned out!

 

[cocolaw]

offered to pay. sorry

 

[cindygenit]

Oh dear... luckyshe, your mum''s heart is in the right place. She just wants the best wedding that *she* thinks you can have (in asian speak, EVERYONE''S INVITED!!!), but at the same time, she is also trying to look after you financially.

My wedding budget (initially) was 5k between FI and I as well. I can tell you right now, it has BLOSSOMED to 10-12k because FI wants to invite all of his closest and dearest.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Sorry

Hopefully your mom will calm down about it eventually..I was kind of lucky in that my family all lives overseas, none of them could feasibly come to the wedding, so my parents weren''t really concerned about how I planned my wedding since they didn''t need to worry about what my family would think of it.

 

[lliang_chi]

I''d definitely put things in writing. If you mom emails that''d be even better. I know your mom really wants you to have a wonderful wedding, but sometimes moms can be kinda schizo. No offense to any moms out there.

 

[choro72]

Have you made a spreadsheet of the cost? We made an excel spreadsheet that includes everything. Dress, tux, food, drinks, entertainment, centerpieces, favors, invites, thank you cards, postage, accessories, place cards, alterations, the works. That excel sheet updates the total cost when we change the number of guests. This is important because people often think about extra guests in terms of cost of food, but there are other costs as well. Extra tables, linens, staff, postage, stationary, to name a few.
Your parents should pay the difference between the total cost when you have your number of guests, and when you update the total number. We have been lucky that so far FI's dad has whipped out his checkbook whenever we tell him how much it will cost.

Whenever I feel myself boiling with frustration, I try to think that at least we can look forward to tons of cash gifts.

ETA, I shouldn't use your topic as a vent place.

 

[purelily]

Hey Luckyshe!

ETA: On the mother side, definitely write a list of expenses and tell your mom you really want to stick to the budget Your mother has your best interests at heart, but it is your wedding and it should be handled the way you want it to be. ( I know this is very difficult in Asian culture though, well at least for me it is (i'm half chinese)).

On the other side, I just wanted to say it is possible to have a very nice wedding for 5k. Pretty much, you have to figure out what you want to spend the most on.

My best friend just had a wedding for 170 people for under 5K... (yah I know) but it turned out beautiful and was the most awesome wedding i've ever been to! I dont want to post pictures as I don't have her permission, but it came together really well.

My best friend decided FOOD was it! so she shopped around for a caterer then budgeted everything after. We were able to get her some sponsored photography and videos. I made her bouquet and helped her with other floral arrangements.

If you want to do your own floral/invites/favors let me know, I might be able to give some input. (I just went through this with my best friend )

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 8/27/2009 1:29:42 AM
Author: choro72
Have you made a spreadsheet of the cost? We made an excel spreadsheet that includes everything. Dress, tux, food, drinks, entertainment, centerpieces, favors, invites, thank you cards, postage, accessories, place cards, alterations, the works. That excel sheet updates the total cost when we change the number of guests. This is important because people often think about extra guests in terms of cost of food, but there are other costs as well. Extra tables, linens, staff, postage, stationary, to name a few.
Your parents should pay the difference between the total cost when you have your number of guests, and when you update the total number. We have been lucky that so far FI''s dad has whipped out his checkbook whenever we tell him how much it will cost.

Whenever I feel myself boiling with frustration, I try to think that at least we can look forward to tons of cash gifts.

ETA, I shouldn''t use your topic as a vent place.

This is so true, people think that the cost of an extra guest is just their plate, but it is so much more than that!

 

[Luckyeshe]

Thanks ladies! FI and I are working on the excel spreadsheet when I see him for Labor Day weekend! I''m going on vacay!! Hurray! Hopefully once we pick a venue we''d be able to start putting down solid numbers and work from there.

 

[cara]

I'd do some serious planning with invite lists and spreadsheets and pricing of venues and the bigger items and then carefully consider what you and your FI want and what it is reasonable to expect your mother to contribute and what level of accommodating your mother's wishes is reasonable. Cause at the end of the day, its your wedding and you shouldn't be pushed into something that is bigger than you want or can afford.

Also your initial narration has me seeing big red flags. Sounds a bit like your mother does not like your plan of an ultrasmall wedding with a $5k budget but also wants you to want something bigger and to pay for it, at least partly. She does not sound like she is agreeing to pay ALL of the costs associated with going from an ultrasmall wedding with a $5k budget to an extended-family feast for 150 people - and if she is in fact offering that, you should make sure that you discuss costs upfront with her and be absolutely sure that you are on the same page. As well, there is always the caveat that you give up a certain level of control with accepting money - so if your mother is the kind to want to pull strings or demand certain things later because she is funding the bulk of the party, you do need to be prepared for that. Even if your mother is not the kind to pull strings normally, sometimes weddings bring out strange behavior in people.

I think it might be best to negotiate an outcome here somewhere between your initial plan and what your mother was initially envisioning. Come to your mother with some rough cost estimates and then ask her what $ contribution she was planning on. If her number isn't enough to bridge the gap from your ultrasmall DW to the 150+ traditional party, then discuss some compromise plan with less people. But make sure you are on the same page in terms of how many invites she gets with her money, and make sure you don't send STDs, sign contracts, etc., without a more firm money commitment. Cause then you are on the hook. However, if your mother is willing to pay whatever it takes to get you your big day with all the inlaws, well, then its for you and your FI to decide if that's how you want to proceed. Good luck!

 

[dani2142]

Luckyeshe- I''d go back to your original plan of having a destination wedding but that''s just me! I wouldn''t care what my Mom thought...especially because she isn''t paying for all of it. If she were, then it''d be different. We are going to Jamaica from February 5th-15th. We are having a weddingmoon and our friends and family are coming if they want. It''s costing close to your orignial budget so it''s not too late for you to go back to your original plan! Especially if you don''t have any deposits down!!!

 

[tlh]

Date: 8/31/2009 9:30:40 PM
Author: Dannielle

Date: 8/27/2009 1:29:42 AM
Author: choro72
Have you made a spreadsheet of the cost? We made an excel spreadsheet that includes everything. Dress, tux, food, drinks, entertainment, centerpieces, favors, invites, thank you cards, postage, accessories, place cards, alterations, the works. That excel sheet updates the total cost when we change the number of guests. This is important because people often think about extra guests in terms of cost of food, but there are other costs as well. Extra tables, linens, staff, postage, stationary, to name a few.
Your parents should pay the difference between the total cost when you have your number of guests, and when you update the total number. We have been lucky that so far FI''s dad has whipped out his checkbook whenever we tell him how much it will cost.

Whenever I feel myself boiling with frustration, I try to think that at least we can look forward to tons of cash gifts.

ETA, I shouldn''t use your topic as a vent place.

This is so true, people think that the cost of an extra guest is just their plate, but it is so much more than that!

soooo true! It adds up fast!

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/1/2009 7:52:44 AM
Author: dani2142
Luckyeshe- I''d go back to your original plan of having a destination wedding but that''s just me! I wouldn''t care what my Mom thought...especially because she isn''t paying for all of it. If she were, then it''d be different. We are going to Jamaica from February 5th-15th. We are having a weddingmoon and our friends and family are coming if they want. It''s costing close to your orignial budget so it''s not too late for you to go back to your original plan! Especially if you don''t have any deposits down!!!

Great idea - Congrats

I LOVE Negril.