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expiration date on my 5 year waiting... cheating or better man??

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qwerty12345

Rough_Rock
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Reading the posts recently about if there comes a time when you have been together too long... missed that window for the perfect uber happy in love engagemnet moment. We both stopped trying six months ago on the relationship. For the first time in my life I am cheating.
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It looks so bad to write that - I trick myself into feeling justified because my boyfriend has been so distant and neglectful. We don''t spend time together more than two nights a week anymore and a friend of mine stepped in. He''s the most amazing guy and ladies we would ALL marry this man on the spot. But I have kept trying with my BF and now he has a ring. THink he will propose this weekend. Other guy and I have backed off because I told him I wanted to give BF a shot. Plus he gave me an ultimatum that he didn''t want to be the ''other guy'' anymore - he wanted all of me. I miss spending time wit hhtis other guy - we slept together every night for months and had the BEST SEX I HAVE EVER HAD. DOn''t get me wrong.. he cooks, cleans, brings me lunch... He says he loves me but wants me to be happy above all else.

Most days I think that in a vacuum that he would be the one I spent the rest of my life with but I don''t know if that is because I only see the faults in a very long relationshi with my BF. THis past month things are a lot better and we are trying to make more of an effort - but I worry that the damage is done and I will never feel fulfilled or that I made the right decision.

Am I feeling this because I "broke up" with other guy? Do I need to give us time when I am not with other guy? Or is other guy really lighting me on fire??? I am realy confused. I know that engagments can be broken off - I feel like I just need more time and rejecting the proposal would inevitably end things with BF... in fact I think he''s said as much.

Thanks for listening. DOn''t have anyone to talk to about this... asahmed yet never been so happy this past summer. scared. maybe there is a lot that could go wrong with new guy. age difference, job future... i don''t know.
 
you all seem so happy, excited, sweet and deserving of a beautiful F and that ring with it. i just feel so stupid - i always thought i was supposed to be excited and hanging on every "serious converstaion" that might turn into a proposal.
 
i agree 100%. do NOT accept the proposal or marry him. You have cheated, the trust is gone. I understand why you did it (it''s nice to feel needed when your bf is so distant), but you have to face the consequences. And understand that things also might seem great with "the other guy" because the nature of cheating is that it''s a thrill and exciting, but it''s not real life, day to day stuff.
I recommend you be honest w/your bf, clear the air, and take some time for yourself to figure out what it is YOU want. your bf may also be proposing b/c he senses something.
 
Does your boyfriend know that you started to see another man? If he doesn''t, then you need to be upfront and honest. Tell him what you were thinking/feeling, how you started to drift away. Better that he knows now than for you to accept his proposal and then he finds out later and everything is ruined.
 
I think you need to back away from both of them and be with neither of them to see where your heart pulls you.
 
Date: 9/26/2006 3:22:57 PM
Author:qwerty12345
Reading the posts recently about if there comes a time when you have been together too long... missed that window for the perfect uber happy in love engagemnet moment. We both stopped trying six months ago on the relationship. For the first time in my life I am cheating.
38.gif
It looks so bad to write that - I trick myself into feeling justified because my boyfriend has been so distant and neglectful. We don''t spend time together more than two nights a week anymore and a friend of mine stepped in. He''s the most amazing guy and ladies we would ALL marry this man on the spot. But I have kept trying with my BF and now he has a ring. THink he will propose this weekend. Other guy and I have backed off because I told him I wanted to give BF a shot. Plus he gave me an ultimatum that he didn''t want to be the ''other guy'' anymore - he wanted all of me. I miss spending time wit hhtis other guy - we slept together every night for months and had the BEST SEX I HAVE EVER HAD. DOn''t get me wrong.. he cooks, cleans, brings me lunch... He says he loves me but wants me to be happy above all else.

Most days I think that in a vacuum that he would be the one I spent the rest of my life with but I don''t know if that is because I only see the faults in a very long relationshi with my BF. THis past month things are a lot better and we are trying to make more of an effort - but I worry that the damage is done and I will never feel fulfilled or that I made the right decision.

Am I feeling this because I ''broke up'' with other guy? Do I need to give us time when I am not with other guy? Or is other guy really lighting me on fire??? I am realy confused. I know that engagments can be broken off - I feel like I just need more time and rejecting the proposal would inevitably end things with BF... in fact I think he''s said as much.

Thanks for listening. DOn''t have anyone to talk to about this... asahmed yet never been so happy this past summer. scared. maybe there is a lot that could go wrong with new guy. age difference, job future... i don''t know.
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qwerty,

I too am going to be blunt, let go of your poor boyfriend so he can find someone who values him. What you are doing is reprehensible. Marriage isn''t about great sex and having someone to cook and clean for you and bring you lunch, it''s about commitment, trust, honesty and openness. It''s understanding that you aren''t always going to agree or have fun or be excited by one another. There will be times when you drive one another crazy, but the friendship you build and love you share will get you through the bad times. You are giving and sharing none of this to your boyfriend and could quite possibly be ruining his chances of meeting someone who will.

Go make a new life with your new buddy, but leave this poor guy alone.
 
Date: 9/26/2006 3:22:57 PM
Author:qwerty12345
... rejecting the proposal would inevitably end things with BF... in fact I think he''s said as much.
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why does HE get years to "decide" but you only have a moment to consider your response or lose him forever? C''mon - you KNOW that''s not fair. Control issues ring a bell

You''re not a dog that comes when he calls! You''re two adults deciding about your future. If it''s "his way" or "the highway" ... I''d choose HIGHWAY no question. Regardless of what possibilities you see or don''t see re: the other guy.
 
I agree you shouldn''t accept the proposal...but to put you in a position where this is a deal breaker just throws some signs as to your BF''s personality.

Some posters referring to him as the "poor guy" may just not be accurate.

You just need to make up your mind and stick with the consequences. Yes you were wrong, yes you made a mistake...but are all humans. It takes a human to make a mistake but a genius to recognize it.

You''ve recognized it so there is no reason to crucify you...

I would be open and honest, but not brutally honest with your BF...there is no reason to tell him more than he needs to know because that will result in just more pain. I would tell him the basis of what he needs to know. You made a huge mistake, you betrayed his trust...and you''re very confused. Details on how or when or how good it was (IMO) need to be left out from that conversation).

Good luck!
 
bottom line here is that you were not happy with your BF so you cheated. you loved cheating with this other guy. you even now just sang his praises in the post, about why he's so fabulous and why anyone would want to have him.

how does any of that change just because your BF is ready to propose? you are still going to be unhappy with a ring on your finger. you are still going to just have cheated and betrayed your current relationship.

bottom line is do not get engaged right now. i don't care if not getting engaged is a deal breaker for BF...what does he think about cheating?

you need to think about what you want in this. it sounds like you got bored of waiting and not being tended to, which is not an unusual story, and went off elsewhere, but now that BF is doing what you wanted him to in the first place, you dropped the other guy and are waiting for a proposal. but really what about the issues that caused you to cheat in the first place? what will keep you from doing it again? your BF does not deserve that...regardless of what kind of person he is.

honestly i don't have any judgement on the cheating, as that's not my place and you probably already feel badly...but i just think you should not be getting engaged to your BF as it stands. you cheated, you felt/feel neglected, that should not change just because BF has a ring. if you get engaged now without actually addressing your relationship issues, your relationship and eventual marriage will most likely fail. you need to fix what is broken right now, before taking the next step into the future or else you are only setting yourself up for a disappointment. good luck!
 
do yourself AND your BF a favor... BREAK IT OFF!! How can you even think about marrying someone you''ve already cheated on? Do you really want to start off your marriage like that?

I''m not saying I''m an angel, I''ve cheated on a couple BF''s before.... but not the man I''m going to marry and spend the rest of my life with!!
 
I absolutely agree that the decision to marry should be between two people, but he has a right to say if she doesn''t want to marry him than it''s over. Countless women who want to get married throw out ultimatums and are supported for doing so, why should he be any different?

And countless women would tell their female friends to dump the cheating boyfriend, especially considering it wasn''t just an "oops" one night stand, she had a long term relationship with the other guy, in her own words they spent every night together for months. Her confusion does not excuse the choice she made to degrade her relationship.

And yes, we are human and we all make mistakes, but while she isn''t still sleeping with the other guy, she is still daydreaming about the life she could have with him. This is a red flag if I''ve ever seen one that she should not be with her boyfriend. For all I know the boyfriend could be a total waste of space...but that doesn''t mean her behavior should be negated.
 
I haven''t read all the responses carefully, so if this sounds like an echo of what someone else said, I apologize.

I would NOT accept that proposal just yet. Obviously there was a reason that you strayed. It can''t just be because of a ring. And it''s something that a ring and marriage won''t fix. I think a lot of times people go into a marriage thinking it will make things stronger. That is NOT the case!! Believe me, I''ve been there!!!! I made that mistake, and my divorce hearing was a couple weeks ago.

I would take time away from both people, do some thinking, what you like about this one or that one. Rings and engagements aside, think about the quality of life you will have with each. Who would you be happier with? Who is on your mind? Who do you feel that you love?

It''s easy to get wrapped up in an engagement, committment and rings, etc. But after it all settles, you have each other. Make sure it''s the right person that you are willing to be with the rest of your life.

Hope that advice helps. I hope everything works out best for all involved.
 
I don''t know you, but this is the advice I''d give you if you were someone I really cared about like a sister.

You need to take time apart from both guys.

I think you may be in the initial "he''s perfect" glow re: the other man. The flame between you and your BF has died down due to distance and lack of communication. It happens to everyone...even in marriage. That''s why you need to work to keep romance alive, to keep the connection deep and intimate.

Who knows if this new guy is the love of your life or not. Right now, I am sure he feels like he could be the one. But you may also find out down the road, after the warm fuzzies have died away that he is a regular guy. Not a Romeo or a super fantastic dream Ken barbie doll. He will have feet of clay.

I think you know the answer. You want perfection. You want that FEELING you have with new guy, with your BF. There is a reason why you didn''t leave BF for this guy already. You had 6 months to break it off with BF. But you stayed. Because I think at heart, despite the hurtful terrible thing you''re doing, you do love him.

I think we all know the truth in our hearts, no matter how deep the ocean of feeling is. The truth is there. It''s just a matter of whether or not you are ready to accept the truth. You love BF. You just want that initial "rush" you have with the new guy. That''s an illusion. You don''t know the new guy really. That''s how strong our desire for fantasy and romance can be... we can even MAKE UP a guy''s personality and everything without really truly knowing him.

But to be fair to your BF... I would tell him the truth. Take some time apart from both of them and you will see your own truth, too. I wish you well. (((hugs)))
 
thanks all. as much as i wish that it was just a desire for something "exciting and new" it is more a wish for someone who doesn''t take advantage of the relationship, someone who is mature enough to know what is important in life and put that as a top priority - mainly - taking care of your friends and thos e you care about. i had a traumatic experience this spring that BF could not deal with in the slightest and someone else held my hand.

you said it best with the sentiment that i want BF to step up and have some of the characteristocs of new guy... because i do love BF and i know that when we live in the same town and see each other more we have a great time and i feel much more secure.

thanks for all of your thoughts - it''s easier to hear it from others as opposed to my own angry thoughts at myself - as harsh as they may seem.
 
Qwerty,

It sounds to me like your boyfriend has really disappointed you. Have you discussed this with him? Cheating aside, which I cannot condone in any circumstance, if you marry this man you both need to be ready and willing to put each other first, otherwise you will both be miserable and it doesn''t sound like either one of you is ready to do so.

My husband is good friends with a couple that he has known for 12 years. They have been on and off and in and out and up down, and never happy for very long...so they decided the smart thing to do was get married. They are so absolutely miserable and have stayed together for reasons that no one understands (I don''t even think they know why, except that neither wants to be alone). It is so sad to see these two people who could be happy either alone or with someone else, stay together and make each other miserable. Don''t put yourself in the same position. If you do stay with him, tell him you''ve cheated (sans details) and seek counseling together so that you at least have a fighting chance as a couple. And stay away from the other man. I know he swept you off your feet, but he can only do damage to your relationship which defeats the purpose of trying to save it.

Good luck to you and think hard about what you chose before you settle on anything, life is truly too short.
 
Date: 9/26/2006 5:13:20 PM
Author: qwerty12345
thanks all. as much as i wish that it was just a desire for something 'exciting and new' it is more a wish for someone who doesn't take advantage of the relationship, someone who is mature enough to know what is important in life and put that as a top priority - mainly - taking care of your friends and thos e you care about. i had a traumatic experience this spring that BF could not deal with in the slightest and someone else held my hand.

you said it best with the sentiment that i want BF to step up and have some of the characteristocs of new guy... because i do love BF and i know that when we live in the same town and see each other more we have a great time and i feel much more secure.

thanks for all of your thoughts - it's easier to hear it from others as opposed to my own angry thoughts at myself - as harsh as they may seem.
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Qwerty, I just want to say that I give you a LOT of credit for having the courage to talk about all this openly and honestly here... and then to reply completely without defensiveness, even after so much judgment.

I agree with Mara that it's not our place to judge. We are all shaped by the decisions we make, good AND bad... and I believe it takes some bad ones to truly figure out who we are and who we want to be.

My impression from you is that your relationship with your BF just isn't fulfilling to you anymore, and hasn't been for quite some time. But you're wondering/hoping that there's a chance you can recover what you once had... enough that you might even be willing to accept his proposal just to find out. But I think Deco makes a valid point... why is this all about HIS timeline? If this is the person you are going to build a life with, you should be able to say to him "I think we need more time to work on some stuff before planning a wedding"... and he should be able to understand that, even if his ego's a little bruised.

Then really take the time to figure it out... see a counselor, give yourself some space from the other guy, allow some time for things to sink in... until your perspective is clear enough to move forward confidently. Trust your instincts... if marrying your BF doesn't feel 100% right to you at this point, then don't just assume you can force it to feel right, or that it will feel right eventually... think about what you would tell a friend in a similar situation. Because you need to be a friend to yourself here... no beating yourself up over guilt or not feeling what you "should" feel... accept the past for what it is and allow yourself some time and perspective before making any decisions.

Good luck and keep posting...
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"it is more a wish for someone who doesn''t take advantage of the relationship, someone who is mature enough to know what is important in life and put that as a top priority"

______

that one line speaks volumes to me. how can you be in love and want to marry someone who ''takes advantage of the relationship'' and is immature and does not prioritize what is important to you as well? marriage is a partnership. it''s not just about a ring and a happily ever after. if you are this disappointed in your BF right now, things will only get worse.

why do you want to marry this guy? what are his positive qualities? is it just 5 years of ''love'' that is holding you together now? if so, then really examine that. it sounds as though even that ''love'' is waning and now things are just becoming exposed for what they are, crumbling.

i can''t stress enough that you should not get engaged right now. it all just sounds so jumbled up. existing boyfriend is not really what you want anymore. new boyfriend could be. but you sound so confused. don''t even consider marriage to this man the way things are.

possibly you could seek counseling or similar to speak to someone about YOUR thoughts, it''s great to get advice and put out feelings here but speak to a real expert about things. there could be more to this traumatic experience that is coloring your life today in more ways than one, especially if you did not have a supportive boyfriend, the one you love, to assist. if he was not able to help you with something like that in your life today, how will he be a good partner, good father in the future?
 
Date: 9/26/2006 3:41:53 PM
Author: KimberlyH
qwerty,

I too am going to be blunt, let go of your poor boyfriend so he can find someone who values him. What you are doing is reprehensible. Marriage isn''t about great sex and having someone to cook and clean for you and bring you lunch, it''s about commitment, trust, honesty and openness. It''s understanding that you aren''t always going to agree or have fun or be excited by one another. There will be times when you drive one another crazy, but the friendship you build and love you share will get you through the bad times. You are giving and sharing none of this to your boyfriend and could quite possibly be ruining his chances of meeting someone who will.

Go make a new life with your new buddy, but leave this poor guy alone.
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Absolute agreement. Not even to mention that the "great sex" is most likely great at least partly because of the excitement of sneaking around.

You''re going to make both yourself and your BF miserable if you marry him. Take some time to get to know yourself and develop the qualities (see Kimberly''s post above) that will make you ready to be in a healthy relationship.

Good luck!
 
Qwerty,

I think sometimes you just get in a bad situation. Like you are with someone you feel that you love very much but he isn''t making you happy. And you try to talk to him but he might say "I''ll change" and then it''s good for a while and you have hope, and then it gets bad again and you''re unhappy.

I''m definitely not going to get judgemental on what you''ve done, because I can see it happening so easily. And it has happened to many of my friends... or you stay in the relationship because you really, really hope it''s going to change, and although this new guy is wonderful in all the X, Y, Z ways, he''s not your boyfriend which you are still attached too. And I think with all of the statistics on infedility, I think there are a lot of people out there, that have felt, or do feel as you do right now.

I really feel for you because, there''s been times in the past (I''ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years) when I was yonger, and he was treating me really, really, really bad, that I would think to myself, "If there was someone really terrific standing in front of me right now, I would leave my boyfriend without a backward glance" I was scared of being alone. I''m very honest about that. And I know that had I been a little bit braver, a little less dependent, there are good chances that my relationship wouldn''t have survived past the 4-5 year mark. I put up with things that just embarass me now. But at that time I was only 19 years old, so I have to forgive myself for the foolishness.

In any case, I hope that you find the answer that is right for you. I know it can be difficult to be in this situation, and how difficult it can be to make a bad decision. I think the most important thing is to take a step back, and reanalyze this situation from a less emotionally charged standpoint.

I don''t think that all marriages/relationships touched by infidelity fail (although many do) I think part of what happens next depends on how you (and he handle it) In any case deciding to get engaged right now might not be wise because your relationship isn''t strong enough to build a marriage on.

Good luck!
 
hey ally not to hijack but how are things going with you and your man...have you updated somewhere and i missed it? hope things are going well.
 
I'm not going to pass judgement either, because in my experience, happy people don't cheat.

If you cheated, IMO, it was because you weren't happy in your relationship.

I agree that you need to step back. Focus on what drove you to cheat in the first place (ok, 'drove' is a controversial word, but it seems clear you were miserable) and work on those issues. Find out whether you even want to be with this man anymore. I find many women have a weakness for staying in relationships out of habit, and need the prospect of another man on the horizon before they will consider jumping off a sinking ship. Otherwise, they just stay and go down with the captain.

At this point, I think you need to tell your BF that you have some serious issues to work through and are not prepared to answer a proposal. This may be against the majority opinion, but see a counselor/therapist first before you go confessing your affair. There are certain things that we tell people for their sake, and there are things we tell them for our sake, moving the weight off our chest onto theirs. Don't burden your BF with something that will only hurt him if it turns out that the relationship is beyond salvage and you can make a graceful exit without trashing his self-esteem.

Also, if you tell him and you two split, he can blame the breakup on the 'other man', rather than take responsibilty for his actions that contributed to the situation.
 
Here are few things to consider and think about. I do not think you should accept a proposal from your BF. If your relationship has been strained for a long time, its not going to change overnight just because there is a ring on your finger. Also you do not respect your bf, you can know what you can get away with, and that just isn''t fair to him or you, and is terrible for your relationship. Respect, trust, etc are very important. How would you feel if your roles were reversed?

As for guy #2, I know right now he seems so perfect and I think he has come along for a reason. He has come along to open your eyes that you BF is not the one, and that there is someone else out there with the qualities you really want in a man. However think about how your relationship started with guy#2, it did started out of deceit, and that not a good foundation.

It sounds like you need to take some time for yourself. Get to know yourself again, be selfish, do the things you want, not what someone else wants, and re-connect with you friends.
 
I''ll just say DITTO!

Take a break from them both and spend some time looking at what you want for yourself. And I don''t mean which guy you want -- what do you want to do with your life, what do you love about your life that you don''t want to change? What changes DO you want in your life. Then once you''ve had some "me" time you might find yourself pulled to one of the guys - then you will know it isn''t this crazy situation that decides who you will be with, it is you and your heart leading you to the guy.

If BF says that is a deal breaker than you know you aren''t meant to be with him. I agree with Deco if he made you wait 5 years for a proposal and can''t handle waiting a couple of weeks or a couple of months for your answer I don''t think he is the right guy for you. I would also make sure he knows about the cheating

If new guy has a problem with it then clearly he doesn''t just "want you to be happy" and he might not be the right guy for you either!

Good luck!
 
I wouldn''t say that''s necessarily true. I know someone who had a habit of, er, overlapping boyfriends. While it always baffled me that it never once seems to have occured to the next guy that he''d also be overlapped by someone else, she was only cheated on by a bf once. So you can''t say that just because a person is the ''other man/woman'' in an affair, that they''ll later turn around and cheat too.
 
Date: 9/27/2006 5:29:04 PM
Author: IndieJones
I wouldn''t say that''s necessarily true. I know someone who had a habit of, er, overlapping boyfriends. While it always baffled me that it never once seems to have occured to the next guy that he''d also be overlapped by someone else, she was only cheated on by a bf once. So you can''t say that just because a person is the ''other man/woman'' in an affair, that they''ll later turn around and cheat too.
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You are correct Indie, but what you say also leads to the fact that is more likely than not that she will cheat again, just like your friend who had this overlapping boyfriend habit will continue to do so.

The fact is those who cheat are more likely to do so. Perhaps this is an isolated incident for her (which is hard to swallow considering she continued the second relationship for months while still participating in an LDR with her boyfriend) and woul not occur again if she doesn''t stay with this man who is not satisfying her. But if she does stay she will, in all likelihood, cheat on him again.

I think it''s silly that no one will say what she did was wrong, but when girls are angry that their boyfriends won''t propose people tend to jump on the "what a jerk" band wagon. I''m not calling qwerty a jerk, I''m just saying that what she did was wrong, and it shouldn''t be evil state that it is so.
 
If you were not happy before you knew your bf is about to propose, a ring won''t change that. The issues are still there and if you decide to marry him, the issues will not go away, they will become permanent.
 
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