Family Jewels... Who gets them? Help!!

[CrookedRock]

I really need some opinions on this one Ladies

Last night a silly little tiff with the BF turned into a slight LW rant... I hate when that happens, but it did. I was saying how I feel that after 7 years I dont think his family takes me seriously b/c we aren''t married. (I know that''s a loaded statement, but a lot has happened to support it) I asked him if he had discussed with his Mom him asking me to Marry him and he said yes. And then the bomb droped...
Apparently she told him not to buy any diamonds as there are lots in the family and that she would give him one. Firstly let me say that I think that it is a very nice offer! I was extremely flattered! Then I decided that I wasn''t so keen on the idea, and these are my reasons. One... I don''t ever want to feel that THAT piece of jewelry is on loan to me. My family has been robbed twice and I have lost almost everything sentimenal that belongs to me. I really think I want this to be MINE... Two... In March we designed my ring. It''s very unique and was designed with a 3-5c Radiant in mind. He told me that they have nothing more than a little over a 2ct and he doesn''t think it''s a Radiant. (trust me 2ct is plenty big if you''re thinking I have a size issue here) The problem is that I have my heart set on the design that we made together. If the diamond was going to be a different shape and/or size I would feel very differently about the setting.
I really don''t want to sound like an ungrateful brat here, but am I wrong to want this to be MINE?

Besides... I always thought that family jewels should stay with the women of the family. In that case I think that they should have given his sis''s now husband a diamond to propose with.

Can someone shed some light on this dilemma????

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, once it is given to you, it IS yours. It belongs to you 100% once you''re married. I think it''s normal for sons to be given family diamonds to give to their brides, as it doesn''t make much sense for the bride''s family to ''pay'' for her engagement ring, if you see what I mean. It''s supposed to be a gift from the groom/his family, not to the bride from her mommy. See what I mean?

All of that said, I understand your feeling funny about changing the design you set your heart on. But why not see about having that be an rhr? Or, ask FI if the family jewels can be used to make a wedding gift... e.g. some earrings or a pendant, instead of an e-ring.

But I wouldn''t refuse the gift outright. That sends a message I don''t think you want to send.

 

[laine]

I think family traditions on jewelry vary. On my moms side of the family, lots of jewelry was given to the wives of male family members. Two of those wives are now ex''s, and so those family heirlooms are now gone. In this case, they were gifts, and were not given back (though I''d have returned them, if it were me).

On my dad''s side, on the other hand, all the jewelry goes to his only sister, who has the option to do what she wishes with it. She will likely give things to other family members, grandkids, etc, but the grandparents made it clear that things were to go to children and grandkids, not spouses, as they wanted things to stay in the family. In this case, its clear that the family pieces are just that and while a non-family member could wear one, they better go back to the family if anything happens.

As for all the rest, I agree with Indy!

 

[Pandora II]

Personally, I would love to be given a family stone as a first anniversary gift, but...

I would be very unhappy if it was my engagement ring. I am very, very picky about my jewellery and one of the best bits of getting engaged was having the fun of designing my ring, choosing the stone and having it made.

That said, I didn''t want a diamond - I''m a coloured stone person. If I was into diamonds, I could probably work with the stone - but only if it meets my diamond criteria and I can recut it if it isn''t (presuming it''s not an OEC).

Hmm, difficult one...

 

[oobiecoo]

I think its wonderful that she wants to give you a family stone... but could your bf possibly use it for something else like a pendant to give you on your wedding day? Or as a second ering/band/rhr? Did his sister not get a family jewel? If not, then that would be a bit odd. What does your bf think? Is it possible that he may have asked for a family stone or agreed with his mom because it would be easier on his wallet? It may be possible that his financial situation has changed since you both designed that ring. Just a thought

 

[CrookedRock]

Thanks for all of your opinions!

Indy~ I did kinda mention accepting a gift of family jewelry as something else other than the ering. I have been telling him that I would love a great pair or diamond earrings for a wedding gift. (Keep in mind we are eloping though...) I would def never refuse a gift of jewlery, espicially from his family, but I really do have my heart set on the ring we designed...

laine~ I would def feel that if something happened between us down the road it would not be my piece to keep if in fact it wasn''t actually purchased for ME. I think it''s sad that ex''s would keep family jewels...

Pandora~ I too love colored stones but would prefer a diamond for the ering. If it''s the fact that they just want to share something with me, maybe there is another piece such as a sapphire, bc both the bf and love them. I''m like you in the fact that I am very picky. A solitaire just isn''t gonna cut it for me, it doesn''t reflect my style at all... I really feel strongly about this being my ring, the one we designed!

oobiecoo~ I too think it''s great that she want''s to give me the stone. I think bc she wears a small diamond (half a carat) she probably thinks that it is unnecessary to spend money on something like that bc it is not her personal style. Money is def not thhe issue here, he has the money to spend and it would be paid for in cash, he doesn''t believe in financing anything, not even a house! His sis inherited all the family jewels with the pasing of the grandmother earlier in the year, but no, her ering was purchased for her, she does not wear any of the jewelry. I also don''t want her to be upset that her Mom would be giving me a diamond.... That could cause some hurt feelings, and that''s the last thing I want to do here...

I think I just have to be very careful on how I approach this one so that I don''t offend anyone.

 

[largirl]

I have kind of a funny story about this.

My friend and her BF were out at his parent''s cabin when he popped the question. We all knew it was coming (it was totally obvious from the way he was acting) but she had NO idea. He played her a video he''d made of their lift together and the end asked the big question. She was absolutely floored and giddy...until she saw the ring. She opened the ring box to find a hideous gold band. The band was huge and chunky and thick and I can''t even describe how ugly it was. She just looked at it speechless and finally managed to get out her "yes." It was the second thing she told me when she called that night to tell me the news - "We''re engaged and the ring is NASTY!". Later that night before the went to bed, he FINALLY remembered to tell her that it was his grandmother''s ring! He adored his grandmother so it meant a LOT to him to be able to give her the ring, and also told her that she had free reign to design a band for the diamond. That obviously made the ugly ring precious to her and made it better. She did of course get rid of that band, but kept the diamond for sentimental reasons. It''s just so funny to me that he was so nervous that he forgot to tell her the origin of this ugly ring.

 

[winternight]

Most of my jewelry and almost everything of my mother''s was stolen when I was young, so I really empathize. I would just ask for the stone to be set into something else and get your dream ring. I also wouldn''t be comfortable with the idea of keeping a family heirloom if something were to happen and the engagement was called off. I am sort of curious why his mother is saying that he shouldn''t buy a stone when if he can afford a 2-3 ct. he certainly is very well off? I don''t know. Anyways I think you should get what you want!

 

[CrookedRock]

We have now spoken and resolved the issue. He understands where I am coming from now and wants me to have what I really want. I even had a convo with his mom regarding the family juwels but not about me getting one, and I made it perfectly clear that I felt very strongly about jewelry staying with the girls in the family and she agreed. At least now when he tells her he doesn''t want a diamond she will know more how I feel, which I think is good.

As for why she offered.... It isn''t a $$ issue. It''s just that she doesn''t really wear jewelry and probably doesnt see the need to spend upwards of $30k on jewelry. But he told me that he would "take the fall" for any questions as to why he got me something so extravangant.
Awww... he''s so sweet! I love him....