Father Issues...(long)

[salamanda]

Hi everyone! I have been lurking here for months and your advice has helped me a great deal in planning my wedding - thank you! I am getting married on September 2nd, and everything has gone relatively smoothly up until now, but now I have a big problem that I don''t know how to handle.
Ok, for background: I have a very strained relationship with my father. He has a lot of emotional problems and has often taken them out on my brother and I when we were growing up. He was disinterested in our lives, and the only time he really spoke to me as a teenager was to tell me about his newest girlfriend (while married to my step-mother). He has spread malicious lies about my grandfather, and aunt and has hurt a lot of people a great deal. He never attended track meets while I was in high school and almost didn''t come to my high school graduation. He didn''t pay for a dime of my college education even though he had promised to (and has enough money) because my grades wouldn''t be good enough (graduated Cum Laude with a 3.7, Deans List every semester). I have never stood up to him and have been living away from him for the past 7 years. Every time we speak he says something to upset me and I end up upset for the rest of the day (or more). He has been ill for the past six months and has repeatedly told me he didn''t know if he would be coming to my wedding.
So, I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle as I am not close to my father and my brother is one of my dearest friends and means the world to me. He accepted and since I thought my dad wouldn''t even come I haven''t mentioned anything to him about it. Last night my stepmother called me and mentioned that they are now planning on attending my wedding (no RSVP, though) and that my father is excited to walk me down the aisle. I told her I had asked my brother to do it and she started ranting at me about how rude it was of me to not ask my dad and that he would be devestated, etc. She also said she would not tell him what I said and that I ought to call him and break his heart myself.
My fiance can not stand my father and does NOT want him to walk me down the aisle as he thinks my father will invariably say something to upset me and that will ruin our wedding day. He said he is sick of me acting like a doormat for my father and that I need to stand up to him and stop letting myself be manipulated. I think he''s right, but am terrified of telling my father that I don''t want him to do it. (In case you can''t tell I am a complete people pleaser and terrified of conflict.) I just have no idea what to do. I don''t want anyone to be upset or hurt, but I truly do not want to have a man who can''t be bothered with me half of the time walking me down the aisle... Any advice is completely appreciated - thanks!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

This is YOUR wedding day. You need to do what''s right for you, not your father and stepmother. Don''t let this get to you. Celebrate this day with the people who mean the most to you and who love you in return.

 

[jcrow]

think about 10 yrs. from now. if you don''t ask your father, how will you feel. glad you''re brother walked you? sad that you didn''t ask your father?

although not the same situation, i had a difficult decision to make regarding who would walk me down the aisle. i chose what i knew i''d regret later if i didn''t do it.

go with your heart.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, that really is a tough one. And I can kind of relate because it's important to me that my step-dad be honoured as my "other dad" at my wedding, but that would really hurt my dad's feelings.

I think there's no easy way to deal with this, but you could consider turning a challenge into an opportunity. You could sit down with your dad (if he's the sort that could really LISTEN) and tell him that you were thinking about having your brother walk you down the aisle because of how much pain he's caused, how sad he's made you over the years and how much he's hurt you. He may have no idea. If you do this, make sure you phrase things in "when you do X, it makes me feel like y" rather than "you always do X and it's horrible!" You want him to think about your feelings, not feel attacked. Make sure you really listen to him too. He may have a lot to say also and no matter how kooky, try to understand his point of view. Then ask him if he's willing to work on improving your relationship. This may be just the opportunity to change things. If he's the sort of man who will really hear you.

I have actually done something similar with my crazy dad and it totally changed my life. And his! But it took a looooong time to work up the bravery to start the conversation.

And it would only work with certain kinds of people. Some would just retrench and get offended and upset. But if you think he might listen, could be worth a try. And then walking down the aisle is also walking into a new life with your dad.

 

[Stephanie]

Date: 7/25/2007 12:11:58 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I have actually done something similar with my crazy dad and it totally changed my life. And his! But it took a looooong time to work up the bravery to start the conversation.

I, too, had to have this blow up with my father. While it was awful, I would do it over again. Now we have a great relationship. But if you think that he wouldn''t respond to this kind of conversation, then I would think not to do it. Laying everything out on the table for him might just make him extremely defensive and even more prone to saying things that are hurtful. As everyone has said, this is your wedding. You need to do what''s right for you. Is there any other position that he could hold in the ceremony where he can feel included, but it''s not as "important" (can''t think of a better word)? For example, he hands you a part of your bouquet or something - just so he feels included. He may just be reaching out, especially if you are the only daughter. This would be his one chance to walk down the aisle. Weddings can bring out different sides to people. I would honestly try to figure out how he is feeling and try to work it out - if you think he would be willing to do this on your terms. I hope that everything works out and that you have a lovely wedding.

 

[ladyciel]

If you don''t feel that your dad has earned the honor, you in no way are obligated to have him walk you down the aisle. As JCrow said, do what your heart tells you, but don''t let your people pleasing completely rule your decision.

Something I read recently that may work for you is a bride who had one person walk her up half the aisle to meet a 2nd person waiting for her there. I think in her case it was her mom and dad - mom walked her to meet her dad, and the 3 of them approached the altar. Maybe you could have your brother start the walk so it would be him to give you your words of encouragement while waiting for the ceremony to start. Your dad would be stuck out front greeting guests and then waiting mid-aisle. Your brother could stay with you as you approached the altar so even if your dad is a jerk you''d have him there to keep you strong.

 

[Pandora II]

I would say stick with your brother.

Being a father is very different to contributing your genes at conception. Rights to "father" roles should be earned and not just taken as a given.

He''s only just deigned to tell you that he will actually be there - what did he expect you to do if he didn''t bother to turn up? I very much doubt that his heart would really break - I think it''s more that he''d feel embarrassed that people saw that he wasn''t walking you up the isle and that''s his problem not yours.

I''m not so sure that I would go for the big talk. it leaves you open to being hurt so much more. If he hasn''t realised how bad his behaviour has been so far, he''s unlikely to change much. I might set it out in a letter - it''s easier to maintain control of yourself in that way and get what you want across.

Sorry, this seems really harsh, but it really gets to me when people have children and fail to give them time, affection or realise the damage that their actions can have on another vulnerable persons life.

 

[cara]

Therapy? So you can learn to feel good about yourself and be confident of your own decisions and to somehow deal with your toxic father in the future, or cut him out of your life in the future, whichever is best for you and your new family.

We peanuts in internet space can give say "Oh, just suck it up and tell him - he doesn''t deserve to walk you down the aisle" or "Oh but he''s your faaaahther, are you *sure* you woln''t regret it?" (Like this is some childish spat you are having and not a lifelong issue with a difficult man.)

But how can we make you feel good about your decision? Give you tools to cope mentally when your stepmom or father spews toxic manipulation at you? Or even evaluate if, given your father''s history of upsetting you and his likely mood at NOT walking you down the aisle, advise you to disinvite your father if he doesn''t promise in advance to behave.

Which brings us to therapy. Because I agree with your FI, you shouldn''t cave and demote your brother just to satisfy a man that you are afraid of and with whom you have a strained relationship. But you need to figure out how to do navigate this minefield in a way that you feel good about at the end of the day.

As for practical advice, just realize that your father has "emotional problems" and is unlikely to react well to this news, or see it as anything but an unjustified insult. Do not defend your plan, or bring up any history, as I''m sure his view is different than yours. Keep it simple, and do not be drawn into a fight. Something like, "Hi Dad, I''m so glad that you will be healthy enough to come to my wedding. I just wanted to let you know that I''ve already asked my brother to walk me down the aisle but I''m very glad you''ll be able to make the event". If/when he goes ballistic, say "I''m sorry this has upset you so much, why don''t we talk later." Then hang up. Practice this exact script several times before calling.

Its VERY VERY important that you not justify WHY you did this, or else he can argue the reasoning with you. And then you sympathize with his being upset, but don''t argue back at all. Just get off the phone.


Good luck...

 

[ponderer]

As a recovering people pleaser/doormat who used to be terrified of confrontation (and who sometimes still is); I totally agree with Pandora II.

As I was reading your post my gut feeling was to tell him in a letter. You will be able to state your intentions without his ability to make you feel bad about your decision. Just realize that this may make him not come to the wedding, probably because he will be embarrassed and not that you have truly hurt his feelings.

When you do tell him, you will be amazed at how good it feels to get this off your shoulders and take a small step towards asserting yourself.

Stick to your guns!!!

 

[risingsun]

Salamanda~
If I understand this correctly, your father is/has been emotionally abusive, mentally unstable and largely absent from your life. You have chosen your much loved brother to walk you down the aisle. Your stepmom notifies you that she and Dad will be attending the wedding and becomes upset, on your Dad's behalf, that he will not be walking you down the aisle. Stepmom is using emotional blackmail, manipulation and passive-aggressive behavior to keep the unhealthy, but habitual, family dynamics in play. Hopefully, you understand that your father's behavior cannot be predicted, with any certainty, on the day of your wedding...or any other day. Stepmom enables his behavior in their own marital dance, as well. Please do what will make you happy on your wedding day. Your father has not earned any right to walk you anywhere. I'm trying to condense a whole lot of therapy into a short email and it's not really fair; but I work with this type of hurt every day. Don't let anyone guilt you into having a "false" [or worse] moment with your father, because of the occasion. My very best wishes to you.

 

[surfgirl]

I have to DITTO Cara''s entire post! Get a good therapist and in the meantime, weigh the pros and cons of telling him in a letter vs. a phonecall. Make sure your FI is with you when/if you call him. And to be honest, after reading your post my initial thought was "why would she want him there anyway? He''ll probably make a scene..." If you think that might happen - and his wife sounds like she doens''t respect boundaries either, then perhaps you need to uninvite him. I think you should do whatever will make your wedding good for YOU.

 

[diamondfan]

What if you have them BOTH? I had my uncle and pop pop, and my pop pop was dead within a couple of years of my wedding, so I was so thrilled to have him there. Not sure if you can have two people, but this way, if he is a no show or upsets you, you still have your brother. But keep in mind I am not much for the think of down the road rationale. I deal in the now, and if the history has been so bad, it would be nice if you did not feel this pressure...but being a pleaser. of course you do not wish to be tough on him. But, even if he DOES walk you down, you KNOW you will have other issues with him in the future, he is unlikely to change. He is who he is, and you cannot accomodate him out of fear of future problems. Your day should be as stress free as possible...note I said as possible, since things you CANNOT control will likely go wrong. This you CAN control, you can say, dad, I am thrilled you can come as a guest, let's leave it at that, due to your health etc. There are graceful ways out. He has not been there for you, you know it in your heart, so having both solves your issue, you are no worse off if he does NOT come through as usual, and as close to your brother as you are, I am sure he would understand.

 

[akw94]

Salamanda, hi! Congrats on your upcoming wedding! We''re only 7 days apart!

I think you should do what *you* want to do. From your post, it sure doesn''t sound like you want your dad to walk you down the aisle. If that''s the case, don''t allow it to happen. It is your wedding day and you have the right to do what''s important to you on that day. Not let someone badger you into doing something that you don''t want, or even worse, could make you unhappy on your wedding day.
I hope you find a way to tell him but I can imagine how hard it will be. I have a situation where I need to tell someone how I feel too and I haven''t yet found the strength to do it. It is tough but worth it, especially for your wedding day. Ok, I''m motivating myself!
I''d agree w/writing the letter if you''re unable to say it to him, but for me and this is just for me b/c I try to avoid conflict, letter writing is the easy way out. I want to express myself but have a hard time finding the courage to say things out loud so I write them. It rarely goes the way I hope it would, in fact, has backfired on occasions. You might feel better about you if you can find a way to say to him what you feel.

But regardless of anything else, do what YOU want!

Good luck!

 

[salamanda]

Thank you all so much for the kind words and encouragement, I really appreciate it! You brought up a lot of valid points, and gave me several different ways of looking at the situation.
I guess what it all boils down to is that I need someone who loves and supports me with me before (and while) walking down the aisle and my dad is not that person (he doesn''t even really know me!). So, that''s my brother.

Dixie, if you find a way to psych yourself up to talk to the person in your life let me know! I feel exactly as you do, knowing what needs to be done but having trouble finding the strength. I too find letter writing the easiest way to express myself and therefore want to tell him either over the phone or in person. Otherwise it will feel as though I never really made myself do it. (If that makes any sense at all?)

Cara, I definately think some therapy is in order to help me deal with my feelings towards my father and the people pleasing/anti-conflict traits I have picked up along the way. I will be a much happier person when I learn to just say what I want and not apologize for it!

Surfgirl, I am actually starting to wonder if I do want him there at all. Honestly, I don''t know if he''ll come after I tell him he will simply be a guest, anyway. I am afraid he''ll cause a scene or make an icy comment to me and ruin the day (he''s good with one liners). But, somehow I can''t make myself uninvite him - it just seems so cruel.

Risingsun, you have really hit the nail on the head as far as family dynamics go! Looking at the situation from your perspective makes me feel much more comfortable with my decision. You are right, my fathers behavior can not be predicted, and my stepmother will just enable him and egg him on.

I am planning on forcing myself to talk to him tomorrow (I have the day off of work), and am hoping I can talk to him before my stepmother gets home from work. Wish me luck, and thanks again for your support!

 

[D2B]

Hi

I dont know all the ins and outs of your relationship with your father, but one solution that might be suitable is to have both your brother and father walk you down the aisle. One on each side, this way, your brother can act as a buffer if needed, and in years down the track you might be happy that you didnt turn him down, but still had someone else with you IYKWIM. I had both my father and stepfather walk me down the aisle, and it was fantastic and I am so glad I did it this way. Looked really good in the photos as well

Hope that gives you an option to consider.
cheers
D2B

 

[akw94]

Hi,
Just wondering if you were able to talk to your dad. I''ve yet to call my friend; I know I should but my pride is also standing in the way and my feelings hurt so it''s hard to overcome that. Plus, just really, really don''t want to deal w/the conflict right now.

I hope you are doing better than me!

 

[Harleigh]

salamanda...so sorry you''re having to deal with this.

I agree with the other posters...go with your heart, and if your heart tells you to ONLY go with your brother, then go for it.

I absolutely second cara''s entire post...she said it very well.

Best of luck to you!

 

[salamanda]

Hi everyone, sorry for the delay, but the last few days have been pretty crazy. I spoke to my father on Thursday and told him my brother would be walking me down the aisle. He got very upset and said that he''d be so embarassed by this that he didn''t even think he would come, and how "wrong" it was of me to do this. He kept saying how humiliating it would be for him ti have his daughter not let him walk her down the aisle. Well, this completely set me off. I told him that I was sorry he was hurt and that it wasn''t my intention to do so, but that it was important to me that it be my brother. I told him to stop making my decision all about him and then I went on a tear about how we don''t have a great relationship anyway and about the ways he has let me down (for lack of a better term) over the years. (He was demanding a reason why so I gave it to him.)
He said that he wants to talk about everything in more detail with me, but of course, pretended not to rmember anything or blamed other people and has not taken accountability for anything. He didn''t seem too surprised about how angry I am at him, and once I told him that he dropped the issue of him walking me down the aisle. He called me and left me a message the next day and I have not called him back yet - I don''t know what to say.
Everyone who I have spoken to about this has been proud of me for doing it and my family is supportive of me, which really helps. (They all know he has problems.)
So I guess now I just have to figure out when I want to talk to him/what I will say when I do. I really do not have to ability to deal with this anymore before my wedding (which is only 4 1/2 weeks away). I am too stressed out with everything else.
Thanks again to everyone for such kind words and advice,I really appreciate it.

 

[Pandora II]

Well done you!

I am a notorious conflict avoider and know what it takes to say what YOU want rather than just keep people happy. I bet you feel really proud of yourself - and rightly so.

The important thing now is to keep strong - no guilty feelings and going back on what you''ve said because you feel bad that he might be upset (one of my specialities that I then kick myself for!

)

 

[surfgirl]

salamanda, I am SO SO SO proud of you! The fact that you told your father how you feel is so awesome, but that you did NOT back down when he tried to guilt you (and you already knew he would do that too) is terrific. You should feel so proud of yourself! Listen, given what he said about not wanting to be there if he cant walk you down the aisle, I think you just need to take a decision whether or not you want him there. If not, PLEASE, gather all your courage and call him back and tell him, "Dad, under the circumstances, I agree with you that you probably shouldn't be there. Thanks for understanding." and leave it at that. My concern is that from what you've said about him and his wife, they might say something to upset you on your wedding day if they do attend. I'd hate for you to have anything but a joyful, positive experience...think about it. The sooner you make that final decision and act on it, the sooner you can relax and enjoy the rest of your time leading up to your wedding...

ETA, just to clarify, if you want him there, fine! But if not, better let him know ASAP, right?